Its been years since I have reached out to any online groups. To be honest my past four years have been all work and no play, but you do what you have to do in order to survive this day and age and in this economy.
Recently I admitted that I had Bi-Polar disorder although I had been diagnosed for 7 years now. Strange for me to have not admitted it all this time... I went through phases just wanting to know what was wrong with me, going through at least 15 years of reading every book in psychology I could, drinking it in as it was my passion but a passion because I could never figure out what was going on.
Yet even when I had been diagnosed I figured it was just a con I had given the dr. who had diagnosed me... after so many years through learning about
psychology I knew how to fake it, and of course desperation would want me to figure out something to attribute the way I was to...
I however had only skimmed the surface on this disorder, I suppose because I was so afraid of it, afraid of myself to be honest. Than one day about
four months ago, after reading a book from a renowned psychologist who had this disorder (cannot remember or name or the books name). Everything fit like pieces to a puzzle.
Than I dove into it as I often do with everything, once I gain a passion about
something I drink it in as if I am dying of thirst and have finally reached the eternal fountains of learning.
Soon I began to discover so many of the things that for so many years I had wondered about
myself. I always thought it was the way I was raised, or the abuse of my ex, and of course this was what brought it all to the surface... but the answers were there.
Along with the answers was a greater understanding however, on why I did not dive in earlier... I suppose the moment I had learned about
this disorder a long time ago I already knew I had it, but I loved it, and I still love it.
I am no longer young, although not old, but my experiences and my age has allowed that wild part of me inside to be a little more tamed, yet with taming this beautiful beast inside of me also brought a great amount of anxiety... now I am learning how to release her without it bringing out the consequences of the release, something which to be honest I don't think was ever wrong. No part of this disorder was ever wrong, but society and its rigid ways has made freedom of the soul wrong, and as a result those who are impassioned, those who do not live in the spirit world entirely or the physical world entirely but are caught in between, are not understood.
I do not know why I write all of this now, I will resume my busy life again later and may perhaps not come back to this site, as I do not have much time for it... but I lie to myself when I say this.
I write for all of you out there who feel that what you suffer from is something to be ashamed. The world may make it that way, and yes there are negative side effects to this disorder, but in all honesty I think if the wild beautiful beasts inside of us, the part of us who is filled with artistry, passion, and perhaps even a little bit of mystical freedom were allowed into this world, the beasts inside of us would be allowed free, and those side effects would blend into a sense of what we were meant to be.
Just a thought.
Post Edited By Moderator (UserANONYMOUS) : 7/21/2014 7:41:56 AM (GMT-6)