Help..if only!!!!

Oh God everyone! I am just losing it. I cant stop crying and want to DIE!!!!!! I have been w/o service and have been catching up on posts and LIFE is so ironic. Ellie, Sandra, Nickie...you all have these lives that are so full with your children and all and some of u have financial probs that make life so difficult, all u want is some peace and freedom. Then there is me...I have money, a good husband that caters to everything I need or want. He and I live in 2 seperate homes because of the Hurricane that hit last year, he is on the West Coast of Florida (that is where he works..mostly sleeps at the hospital as they are re-doing our entire house due to the hurricane) and I am in our home in Ft. Laud. and he will have 10 days off and come here...he goes to the store, gets all the food I need (I am a skeleton due to my ulcerative colitis), takes care of all my meds (see illnesses below), gets me cigarettes even tho we fight about that cuz he HATES that I smoke. Takes me to doctor appts., etc. The only thing I do is laundry. I have a cleaning girl every 2 weeks, weekly pool guy, weekly yard man. Two nice new vehicles, one of which is mine that sits in the garage collecting dust, closets full of clothes, shoes, bags, etc. And you know what I WOULD GIVE IT ALL AWAY JUST TO HOLD MY BABY IN MY ARMS, AND HEAR HE/SHE CALL ME MOMMY. I ENVY u girls so bad. All I ever wanted was a child and I couldnt get pregnant and did 3 rounds of in vitro and finally threw in the towel. We had another hurricane hit us but on the Ft. Laud. side this weekend. Well, my cousin, her fiance his 2 kids and her 2 kids (6 people) plus my niece that lives in Ft. Lauderdale staying with me Thursday-Sunday and I had the BEST weekend EVER. I told Kevin (hubbie) that it was better than a month long trip to Europe. I LOVE BEING SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE!!! I took 2 of her kids to the mall and bot them Homecoming dresses and they were SOOOOOO appreciative. All I did was cry. They think I am some sort of freak, I know it. My cousin's fiance was in my hottub and said, "Patti, I think I have died and gone to Heaven, u have your own little resort right here"!!! But, I AM MISERABLE!!!!! I know u all are thinking "Why not adopt?" Well, had I not have developed my Colitis fter the in vitro we probably would have. I am just now in remission (thanks to the steroids...yuck!!!!) after 5 years of 10-20 diarreah bowel movements a day, plus all the other bull...I am sorry but i am so hysterical i cant even see to type!!!! just remember everyone...Watch out for what u wish for, you just may get it. Ill be back when I can see. Take care all.

Love to you all and your little ones,

Patti    

Pats, you do have all the resources, including a long marriage to your hubby to adopt.  I understand you have colitis, but many times, when you don't have a gnawing emptiness anymore, like your childlessness, it gets much better.  It's driven by stress and anxiety, too.  (Not saying it's in your head!)

I bet Kevin would be all for it; you're not too old.  I would suggest foster care, but those kids almost always come with massive emotional issues and it wouldn't be good for your psyche.   You could adopt a baby overseas and not have the wait time it is here. 

I really do think if you had something meaningful in your life it would do wonders not only for your depression but for your physical health.  Maybe talk to Kev?

I would do anything to help, (except babysit, lol) we all would.  ((((((hugs)))))))

Shan

Shannon, unfortunately Kevin no longer backs the "adopting" idea. He feels that we have been through so much (especially that we cannot even f'ing live together until the house is done, which is always longer than they tell us) already that neither of us can take much more. That is one of the main reasons I get so mad at him. He doesnt understand the emptiness. He says he has come to terms with the fact that we are childless and I know he believes one day I will also. I know that I need something meaningful in my life, I am just tired of everytime I turn around there is something else wrong. I was hopng that my pdoc appt. on Sept. 7 was that big step, but as usual I guess I was wrong. I just have to accept that what is, is what is and what is not, is not. Thanks anyway.

Patti

Hey all. Thanks so much for the support...that is what I CHERISH about you all! Even tho I dont feel I get the support I need from others, they do not have all my illnesses and issues. But you all GET ME! That is all there is to it. WE.. none of us can take each other for granted! I felt like a PART of me was missing when I was out of service for all those days! Trust me its a wake up call for those of us who need each other. Think it about lovebugs. And I sooooooo much appreciate you all your support.

Love ya'
Patti