Introduction - wife just diagnosed

I'm a 36 year old male, married for almost 4 years to a woman I've been with since we were about 18. I've read many threads here, and some read like a carbon copy of my now fractured life and marriage. I'm here to get some feedback, advice, support, and insight into my wife's illness. Maybe even some closure to my marriage.

Almost 4 years ago I married a woman I thought I knew everything about. We had been living together for 10 years, and I felt lucky that she stuck it out with me that long without getting a ring on her finger. I had never witnessed any behavior from her that would indicate she had any mental illness. Then everything changed.

about a month and half after our wedding, I noticed a profound change in my wife's personality. It was as if a different person had arrived. When I tried to talk to her about it, she simply withdrew from me. She looked me dead in the eye and told me that she never wanted to marry me, and eventually that said she wanted to leave. My life now in a tail spin, and not knowing what I was actually dealing with - I consulted a divorce attorney who recommended that I check our phone records. I did and discovered that she was carrying on a relationship with a guy she worked with, calling 10-15 times a day and numerous texts. She was even getting up in the middle of the night from our bed to call this person. The following six months were hell, but eventually we sought marital counseling and reconciled. I begged her to get help, she never did. However I could tell that she was never quite the same.

We made the best of it for about 3 years, and then the pattern started again - withdrawal, substance abuse, eating disorders, depression, extra marital, smoking, threats, and then finally she left the home again. I asked for a divorce, and she threatened to kill herself and got her "friend" to threaten to kick my...you know what all in the span of about 36 hours. My life has been turned upside down.

about a week ago she finally saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed her as bipolar. My wife admitted that she knew she had something wrong before we even were married. However a couple of days later - another suicide threat the night before we were to have a divorce mediation appointment. This time I had to call 911 and get her whole family involved.

While I'm starting to understand the difficulties with this disease, the pain, loss, and loneliness I'm experiencing from this can be over whelming. I love this person, or rather the person she used to be - and I'm devastated watching her destroy herself. She just started medication, but we don't know how long it will take, or if it will help. In the meantime we have been living apart for months even though I beg her to come home.

I'm trying to separate the disease behavior from the person I know, but the events that are happening as a result of it are real, and painful. Basically we know now that she went for 4 years (or more) untreated. Now the behavior is far off the charts bad compared to the last big episode. She wont come home, she wont divorce me, and we are living in this bizarre relationship where she calls and texts me like we are still a normal married couple everyday. To be fair, I call her too - because I am scared what she might do or who she is doing it with.

Post Edited (sevenyearsdown) : 7/28/2014 7:28:57 AM (GMT-6)

I'm torn between wanting a divorce and running as fast as I can away from this, and trying to help her and save my marriage. I've begged her on more than one occasion to come home and let me help, but she keeps insisting that she needs to get better before she comes home.

She just started meds, and has a follow up with the psych. She sees a therapist regularly, but I feel she must have fooled this woman since she didn't pick up any of the bizarre behavior in four years.

Haven't gone back to marriage counseling yet. I don't think it would help her right now based on how she is acting if that makes sense.

I do have some questions for you guys/gals with experience with these situations. I'm not asking you to play doctor, maybe just give me some insight.

I've explained some of the things she's done to my therapist in an attempt for me to come to a better understanding of: is this her or is this the bipolar disorder. My therapist left me a little confused. He told me that the lying, hiding things, sneaking around with other guys wasn't necessarily bipolar, though I've read of many experiences here where that was a component.

Can anyone possibly shed some light on this based on their personal experience? I just want to understand some of these things to get some kind of closure - good or bad to how my wife has behaved. I don't want to hate her, but rather understand some part of why this is going on.

I said MY therapist said the things above, not hers. I was just looking for some personal insight.

sevenyearsdown, I'm sorry I mis-read your post regarding your therapist. Maybe you can ask your therapist to elaborate on it to help you understand.

UA

Thank you for the response and insight. I know there is no magic bullet for all of this.

Update: My wife was rushed in for emergency surgery last week for an issue with her reproductive organs - life threatening. She called me to come be there. As difficult as it was to to rush to be by her side with all of the horrible things she has done to me, I did because I felt it was the right thing to do - morally.

The surgery went perfect, and was not as bad as the doctors had thought once they "got in there". I also got her through recovery at the hospital, and home safely. The next day she asked me to bring her back to what used to be our marital home to care for her during recovery (about 4 days). Again I did because it was the right thing to do. We shared a ton of emotions, and she came to the realization that all of these so called friends that she focuses on during her mania were not willing to be there when the chips were really down.

This is where it gets complicated. When it came time for me to take her back home after she was feeling better, she begged me to move back into our home. I could not bring myself to say yes. So much has been said and done, and my life has been turned upside down. I want to dismiss some of her actions as being bipolar, but the pain is so real and raw of the last three months.

I've taken on the idea that maybe we can find a marital counselor to talk to that has dealt with bipolar marriages before. Before her surgery I was ready to get a divorce. Now I'm as confused as ever.

I feel like her bipolar is making me the same way at times as I try to react to her.

A couple of days ago she called me to tell me that she is moving back in labor day weekend, has picked a day to quit smoking, canceled cable at her place, and was ready to work together. We spent a lot of time together this weekend, and it went well.

I've been witness to a lot of her mood swings, and overall anxiety problems. It breaks my heart because she changes from minute to minute sometimes.

Since last night and now into this morning she is being non-committal about moving back again.

I guess I'm just blowing off steam. I love her and want to try, but I have this sinking feeling that she is going to bail out again when this weekend comes. She picked all of the dates and such, but the closer it gets, the more freaked out she's acting about it.

I'm just trying to take things one day at a time with her.

I just have this gut feeling she's not coming back. I've seen this cycle now enough over four years that certain things are getting predictable. I hope that I am wrong this time, because that would present hope itself that are marriage can be salvaged.

Things have not gone well. She came back, then left again. To be honest I'm not all that sad she left as it was tough to deal with her. Heart is broken. Probably headed for a divorce. Bipolar has taken my partner of 18 years away in mere months.