How can you be sure that it's hypomania?

Hello,
sorry for the rant - but I need to put this down.....

I'm really confused and feel terribly guilty with what has been going on in my life. I need to understand where I stand and reassess what I believe in - and then, which way to go.

I've been married 9 years to this man who I loved and still do love very much. But in the last 3-4 years things have been going downhill for us. I have only recently considered that hypomania might be a problem with him, but I need to know and be sure before I decide my next steps.

Confused - because he doesn't seem to display all the typical signs of hypomanic behaviour (typical based on what I've read, and what I've seen his dad with - yes, there is a history of bipolar disorder in his family).
Guilty, because I feel responsible for the stressful financial situation that I've contributed to that has been hounding us for the last 4 years and I feel that might have precipitated a likelihood of such an occurrence.
We both left our jobs a few years ago, deciding to pursue independent work and entrepreneurship. We have been working together ever since. Our working approaches just do not seem to tally - he's always planned way ahead of time, methodical and believes in process. I'm unplanned, last-minute and I short-cut processes for convenience. Ïll agree, I’m the bad guy when it comes to work - I think I make a horrible working partner, especially for someone who like to be planned, organized and ahead of the curve.

I've noticed a trend where he has been galloping from idea to idea in terms of what we want to do. He even takes steps in various directions and then leaves me to actually do the work. He has begun to believe that his job is to break the big chunks, create opportunities and I'm the one who has to do the work to complete the jobs.

I keep feeling we're going too fast and he thinks I'm not efficient in the way I work and therefore I'm always lagging, feeling assaulted with work.

Recently, all he does is sit at this computer (finds reasons not to do anything physical - our work can involve physical activity too). He puts things out on fb, on our websites - contacts people, continues to create and build on networks etc... all good stuff... but I'm constantly panting trying to catch up.
about 3 years ago, we had our first child and I've not been that into building the business since. Raising a child in a manner that does not include TV/videos/ipads means full on attention to this growing, curious creature. While he likes and is a proponent of this approach, he refuses to see that it takes SO MUCH TIME and ENERGY that I have nothing left to give to our business.

Presently - I manage all housework (I do have paid house help though), grocery shopping, cooking and the child + I"m supposed to be our accountant and to manage 2 growing businesses. He wants to sit and break the 'big rocks' at this computer and thinks that that's what he is cut out for.

We've constantly been in fights recently (last 2 years). I never know what will get him going. It's like he's waiting to pounce on me for any mistake I make. ANd with all this pressure I'm making mistakes @ 300/minute! I get a tongue-lashing each time for minimum of 45 mins. It never stops, just goes on and on and on.... and he thinks he can 'punish me by making me do more work. He's taken the car away from me (coz I"ve proven to be a bad driver and recently scraped the car for the 3rd time) Now I've to take the bus and go wherever I have to - with a child.

He cares not that the child is around when the tongue lashing begins - I ask him to wait till later, he says let the child know the truth. There have been times in the past when he's gotten to me through the baby - kept him from sleep, made him wait for his food till I accept my mistake, show appropriate regret.

Everytime before a public event, we fight because I left something till the last minute, because I did not plan well, because I did not give the kind of attention that something deserved - and he threatens not to go with me. He eventually does go, but after making a BIG scene about it.

And in front of the world everything is just normal.

There's no wild spending of money - we really have very little to spend, so that's not a possibility. There are no other women I'm sure. There are no sleepless nights. But he's put on a lot of weight recently, something he had a tendency for. I'll say he's now obese.

He loves to help his friends, family and even strangers/acquaintances
He's big on values and hard work and perseverance and all those lofty ideals. And he does stick by them on all occasions that demand it of him. While I admire that, I'm not able to do it all the time. I get selfish, I get lazy, I want convenience. I'll take the short-cut.

I''ve generally been low on self-confidence, but it's never been as bad as it is now. My phone rings and I jump - I hate the thought of having to speak to anyone. I feel awful.

And now I've been kicked out of our home, with our child. Luckily we have our parents in town - so I'm with them. But he says he has nothing more to say to me - that he has given me ample warning this would be coming and that if I had changed my ways earlier, we would not be here.

Is he crazy? Or am I so self-obsessed and selfish that I do not see what harm I"m causing him and our family?
We recently had a wedding anniversary – and he said that I was still the best decision of his life…. And now this?
I really don't know what to make of this all – I feel numb. And he says this is what I’ve wanted all along…!?

He says he'll never see a therapist - never go to a counsellor to help us with our problems.

what do I do?

Thanks for your kind words. I think what you suggest is sound advice too.
I would hate for everything to fall apart. And if he needs help I want to help him out.

I think it's harder to change oneself - that's the the really hard part for me. I hope I have the strength and discipline to do it, if that's what's needed from me.

Thanks again.

UserANONYMOUS said...
Adapting to change can be hard. I am not good at adapting to change since I tend to get attached to things easily. But, sometimes, we have to learn to let go of toxic things and relationships. It it better for us to keep healthy relationships.

It sounds like your hubby need helps but I know you said he doesn't want to see a therapist. Since he is not willing to accept help, focus on yourself and boosting your self-confidence.

You are a very strong person!

Please know that we are here for you.

UA

very true ~

Hey Confused&Guilty,

I'm glad you finally wrote. I'm sorry things are not going well for you. Sometimes during the holidays, we tend to get more depressed.

Please know that you are not alone. We are her for you and you can feel free to post anytime even if it's just to vent.
am happy that you are here with us. Remember that your child needs you. So you need to take care of yourself to feel better. It's the holidays. Treat yourself to something nice. A new piece of clothing, a nice movie, a fancy meal or whatever you like.

Have you considered getting some counseling? This can be helpful. I would suggest you make an appointment to see a therapist for some counseling.

When you feel like this, try to do something to change the way you're feeling like listen to some nice music, watch a funny movie, talk a walk outdoors, call up a friend or even come here.

Please also feel free to check out our resources area where you can find helpful information and coping techniques:
www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=13&m=350839

I hope you will feel better. We are here for you. Things will get better but it will take some time so please hang in there.
Keep us updated on how you're doing.

*Hugs*
UA