Bad decision, hard decision, not sure what to do

Well I see Shannon now saying I told you so.  But I think just being on my zoloft is causing some mania.  I'm always in denial that I have this illness, I don't want to expose a future child to any more medications than is necessary while I'm pregnant or trying to conceive.  I just got out of being severely depressed and I don't want to go back there. 

But monday night my mind was racing.  And I had this idea that I had to write a story or my life, in the middle of the night (which I don't write stories).  But I feld like I had to do it and wanted to get up and write.  But I made myself go to sleep and yet my dreams were aweful that night and every night since.  I also had a little paranoia when my extended family was at my parents monday night. 

I don't know what to think about it.  I want to say it was just a fluke, but I also stopped my zoloft for a few days and took half this morning.  I would love to go back on lamictal, but I would hate myself for the rest of my life if I took something while I was pregnant that caused my child any harm. 

So I'm trying to figure out what to do with my meds.  And I unfortunately won't let myself trust my pdoc to let him make that decision. 

Thanks for listening to me vent. 

Hope you all are having mood stable days

I'm so sorry you're having an episode.  You are fully hypomanic now, and I am just going to recommend you nip it in the bud before you do something stupid.  You know what I mean, you are having flight of ideas, paranoia and bad dreams, all are common.  You are running the risk of full mania.  Even hypo will cause you to do  things you will regret.  I don't have to tell you all this, you know.   You ARE bipolar.  You have to deal with it.  Ellie is totally right, these swings are dangerous for a fetus, so, there is a risk of not medicating too  and here are tons of risks when you're pregnant.  Things happen even when you're perfect!    And don't forget, you have a husband to think about too.   He deosn't deserve to live with that when it's fixable.

Just trust your pdoc, it is his/her specialty, they are the expert.  If you insist on staying on Zoloft, at least get a heavy duty stabilizer.  Well, lol, get one anyway!   You don't want to end up in the hospital.  That's all I'm going to say, it's ultimately your choice, I hope you make the right one.

Oh, one more thing (of course, lol)  what goes up must come down.  If you let yourself go for long in the hypo state, you will come crashing down, this is the time of year.   That always happens anyway, we all know that, it's either/or.

As for the moodiness, I know, I haven't been exactly helpful lately, either.  But, that's what this board is for, I think in general we are doing a good job despite the fact that everyone is cycling.  It is the time of year for that, if you aren't aware fall and spring are nightmares for us, it has to do with the amount of sunlight we get. 

I have an appt. with my pdoc in a couple of hours (thank god!) I can't take it anymore.  But, with rapid cycling there is only so much that can be done, at least it's not full fledged.

I hpe you feel better, Dana, I really do, we're all here for you.  

Nickie!  don't think that!  You haven't said anything wrong.  If we can't post when were feeling bad, then what good is it.  I think we all know by now the nature of BP is being not so nice when we feel bad.  unfortunatley, so is being overly sensitive to others and paranoid, a real catch 22!

It would be a shame that we feel we can only post when everybody, esp ourselves is doing great. 

I finally had to make an appt with my pdoc today, I can't take it, and can't seem to fix it no matter what I do.   Come to find out, I am having mixed episodes.  Nver thought I would see the day.  It's awful.   There's really not much they can do about mixed, it is the time of year and will play itslef out mroe than likely.  I am bouncing off the walls, tired, teary, angry and extremely happy and joking at the same time. 

I think we are all either mixed or rapid cycling, we just need to deal and help each other OK? 

Shannon

Hey Shannon,

Thanks for the concern.  I am taking everyone's responses in and still pondering what I'm going to do.  I'm still having my moments, but I'm still not ready to jump on a mood stabilizer.  I know I would feel a whole lot better, but I'm going to see what cutting down on the zoloft does.

Thanks everyone,

Dana

You guys are so sweet, I love you all!!!!!!  I am doing good, I have my ups and downs, but I'm still up. 

I'm sorry I haven't been posting to med questions, getting a little burnt out at work, and sometimes just don't want to deal with it ;) especially when it's impossible to have perfect answers.  I struggle, talking about meds, especially psych meds.  It's like okay a beta blocker for a heart patient is going to slow your heart rate down as well as your blood pressure.  You may notice some fatigue with exercising and could cause depression.  But it WILL decrease your blood pressure.  Where as an antidepressant, mood stabilizer, anti-anxiety, antipsychotic, or sedative, nothing is certain.  I can't tell people that it will or will not work.  And as far as side effects, I can't say what will or will not happen. 

And Nickie, as far as it "not being great around here",  I don't feel that way.  The way I think about it is we are BIPOLAR, therefore we are going to struggle with people disagreeing, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings.  I try to keep an open mind, and if I start getting upset with it, I just walk away from it and let it go.  I love you guys, and really enjoy reading your stories, and getting to know you all.  --- and we aren't the first or the last part of the forum to have disputes.  We are all struggling here with some illness or another.  And all need love and support.  *although I can't say I don't get riled up with certain posts, or people on certain days. 

But you guys are awesome ((((((((group hugs)))))))))))

Hi, Dana, I know what it's like to burn out!!!!!!   But Nickie's right, you will feel better if you come here, because we all do understand and we love you, too!

I am SOOOOO glad you're still feeling good, you went through a very long depression.  

Hope to hear from you soon!

Shannon