The End...

I am 33 years old.  I have had all sorts of mental health issues since I was about 3 years old.  I am no stranger to meds, hospitalization, and of course the ultimate help, therapy.  Only during my first few years of marriage did I not take anything or see anyone.  that would have been 1995 to 98.  Other than that I have spent 27 years on a bad dream.  That is a long long long time.

I was told as a child that I was upset over being adopted.  Then I was told due to my actions in school that I had ADD or ADHD.  After many years of drugs and constant therapy, I was told that I was depressed and they said I needed to go to the hospital at age 13.  They said you would be there for a few months. HA HA HA.  I spent the next three and a half years at the world famous Sheppard Pratt.  For over $100,000 a year you would think I would be cured or functional, but most of all my parents were broke.  They put me into there day program and therapy several times a week.   Family therapy was actually fun because the woman was so ugly my parents and I laughed and we thought everything they tried was stupid.  So I graduated high school and then the fun began.  After high school I went to the NAVY but after a year they knew about the therapy and was ask to leave, quickly.

I saw a doc that then told me I was a sociopath.  That I had no remorse that I had no feelings execpt for myself.  I told him he was stupid and not coming back.  So I got married shortly there after and I worked and things were normal, well at least I thought so.  I had problems with alcohol, drugs(all of them), and the business I owned I was caught stealing my clients money for there accounts and there atm machines.  I went to jail in march of 99.  When I came home in March of 00 my wife was pregnant with a crack dealer down the street.  But lets get back to the story.

I used drugs only from 95 to 98.  Yes they made me feel better and high and really might have even hide the mental health issues from me.  Well I was driving from Arizona to baltimore to go home to the wife and kids.  I started feeling the sweats and didn't know what it was since it only happened a few times.  I made without incident and I had a great night alone with my wife.  The next night Friday the 13th of November 1998 everything changed.  I had just sat down and taken some coke.  I had a panic attack.  A bad one by judging the ones I still have.  I called 911 and the ambulance came and when they kicked in the door I was fine.  Nothing it just passed so out of fear I sent them home.  I went up to tell my wife and she was worried and then it came again.  I called the ambulance back and they refused to come back.  So I called a cab.  They hooked me up to everything and took blood and my h/rate was flying away.  But after 2 hours they came back and said you just had a panic attack and they gave two pills to take home of ativan.  After that I was done.  I developed or rediscoverd OCD, bipolar with wonderfully beautiful pyschotic features, panic attacks and of course I got social anxiety disorder. 

I don't like people.  I don't like having to leave home.  I don't like public places.  I can barely drive even worse at night or in rain.  I find everyone trivial or dumb.  I have about 20 panic attacks a day on a bad day and 10 on a good one.  I am rude, inconsiderate, and have no sense of normal humor.

Drugs I have tried a lot of them, from ritalin, melerill, desipramene, prozac, paxil, effexor, lithium, depakote, topomax, ativan, xanax, valium, buspar, haldol, thorzine, zoloft, trazadone, abilify, zyprexa, risperidal, etc......

Nothing helps, nothing gets better.  I am going back to therapy on the 19th of this month and I am looking forward to it(I don't know why).  Some of us with BP and other disorders can make some good decisions.

You know its ironic,  my mother abandoned me before I was born(that's the way I view adoption).  But now I have two kids who I help take care of and raise.  And no matter what I would never abandon them.  I guess thats the only reason I am still alive....

Adam

I am 40 yrs old, BP since a small child.  Back when I was a child there was no such thing as mental illness in children; they were either good or bad.  I was bad.   I didn't mind, I didn't mean to and honestly tried, but it seems every time I turned around I was in trouble, even for the tiniest things.  I was beaten till I had strap marks that turned to bruises on my butt and legs, and sometimes backhanded if I made the slightest remark of disrespect to my parents.  Back then, it was considered fine to "discipline" kids that way, even teachers sometimes asked me what happened to my legs and when I told them I got a spanking, they just said "oh".  End of story.  I grew to hate my parents, was terrified of my father cming home because I never knew what I had done that day to get it.   I wasn't allowed to get mad or cry, so I still can't if hurt, just extremely angry and I last out.

Anyway, that didn't help much.  I went on to live the rest of my life in mania (type I w/ psychotic features also and rapid cycling).   I made ALL the mistakes always listed in the "reckless behaviour"  department, paid dearly for them up until 2 years ago when I bankrupted us charging up 37K on credit cards in the span of 3 months.   Went from yuppie life to disability and bankrupt.  I finally went on meds at age 39 due to an ultimatum by my precious, devoted and very patient husband.  (I guess 10 years was enough for him!).    He has forgiven and miraculously forgotten all past mistakes and there were worse ones if you get my drift.   We are sickeningly in love (no kids to get in the way) and very happy together.    After many meds, I found the right cocktail, slowly adding one as each symptom arose or didn't respond to the others I was taking.   Recently added Abilify to the combo (three mood stabilizers, an antipsychotic 1 antidepressant and Klonopin for panic and sleep).  Doing much better with Abilify to the mix. 

Meds are tricky; they can affect everyone differently.   Some pdocs write off label meds meaning meds that are experimental and not commonly on the list for BP.   Trileptal is one, it works wonderfully for me.  No weight gain, no real side effects, helps you sleep at night, no drowsiness during day, at least for me.  I am very sensitive and like you have been on them all.  Except Dopamax.  Combined with Lamictal for extra stabilization and it also has a great antidepressant effect for BP depression only.  Seroquel for psychosis and sleep (usually no weight gain or diabetic effect on that one, very low risk unlike Zyprexa).  Welbutrin for depression and Klonopin for panic in crowds and sleep. 

Thats just what works for me, but the Trileptal is off label and very few docs use it.  It's the only one that worked for me without horrible side effects.  I'm just saying, you start with one or two, keep adding as symptoms dictate.  And getting a good pdoc that isn't afraid to try new things is great too!  It does NOT have to take a long time to get the right cocktail.  If one doesn't work, ditch it and try another.   There are always several in the category of the one that didn't work.  And most of them do work on the first try, not all but the majority.  Your job is to study up on symptoms and what class of med is used for that particular symptom so you can suggest a med to your pdoc, he will usually listen and be willing to try.    Do get a pdoc if you don't have one if you possibly can rather than a GP.   There are exceptions, but not usually. 

I totally understand your feelings about other people.  I think we all feel that way!  It's not sooo bad when you're stable, well, hell, sometimes it is, I really don't care for people I don't know and who aren't close to me.   I panic in crowds, can't even go to the store or the mall or anywhere on the w/e.  i can't stand in line anywhere because I can't have any stranger in my personal space.  I have many other personality disorders, (Avoidant, schitzoid, paranoid, body dysmorphic disorder, narcisism ( I HATE that one, very embarrased), and dependent.  Since I was 21, I lived alone supported myself, worked full time and put myself through school full time and paid for it myself until I married at 29.  Now on disability per doctor's orders and NOT proud of it, but so much better.  Disorders almost always go with BP, you're not alone.  Even being stable, they usually remain you are very smart to get therapy.  I TOTALLY disagree with your diagnosis of sociopath.    Could you kill someone you didn't know, who did nothing to you without any emotion and then just go on about your day after dumping the body?   I doubt it, that's a sociopath.   You have schitzoid tendencies at best. 

Before you jump to your death, please please please get some competent help.  Write in here all day every day, most of us are on all day.   Danarx is a registered pharmacist who can help you with meds better than me, lol.  I can help, but she's defo the expert!  There is also another nurse named Shannon (two BP nurses name Shannon found THIS board?)  *twilight zone music*.   Your sense of humour will return with stability.   I was the very same way, I forgot how to laugh for years, peoples' jokes were stupid and I forgot how to laugh for many years.  Now I laugh at everything, sometimes till I have tears runnning down my face.  You CAN feel better.  Sometimes it takes a lot of meds, but you can if you perservere.  Most of us are not the give up kind of people.  I think it takes a VERY strong character to continue to live with the kind of pain we experience constantly.   Granted, lots commit suicide, but more don't.   Be strong, Adam, you haven't tried all combinations, they are endless obviously.

I hope this short book I have written will help you some and at least give you some hope, it seems you need a "refill" of it, lol.   Oh, and did you know BPs for some reason crack puns constantly without even meaning to?  I am the WORST at it, but only when I am feeling good.   There are so many special and good things about us, give yourself a chance to find them.

Please let us hear from you soon, Adam, we are all concerned.

Shannon1