Vent...sometimes things just suck.

Anyway, Im 18, recently diagnosed with BP 2, which wasnt surprising considering family history. We've seen it comming for years, but until recently the docs were apprehensive to name it that, and i was resistant to being classified as a BP. TO make a long story short, I am just getting to a point of learning to get through the bad times...and we are still trying to stabilize meds. I dont react the same to most of the meds out there, though, so it has been a very difficult road as of late.

So yesterday, I came searching for something, some kind of logical information, support, anything and found this site. I am hoping it will in some way help me just get through.

This week has been horrible. I just transitioned from a hypo-manic stage back into depression, as has been the weekly theme for the last month. This time has, however, been worse. I dont know why..maybe its just a bad week, or more stressful in some way, or the forboding of next week. I couldnt tell anyone.This morning I woke up dragging, wanting to blow work, and everthing else off and sleep all day long. Now, this want isnt unusual, we all dream of it...but today my body joined the party, and nothing wanted to work or move. Just thinking hurts...and the more i try to be positive and tell myself i will come out of it, the worse things are getting.

Usually when i feel myself hitting this stage, starting to spin out of control, and thinking irrationally for the thousandth time, I find some way to cope, or if all else fails, call my psychologist, who always has something new to offer me. However, coping isnt doing it this week, and i cant just call and run for help this time (stupid insurance companies...i guess i should have tried harder before.)

So I guess there really isnt a point in posting this...there is no question and little to actually respond to. I just wish i knew how to cope. My life is only getting busier and more stressful by the day, and here i am...killing myself inside-out. 

I hope that all of you are having better days! And I hope to get to know some of you. If nothing else, a small vent should be somewhat theraputic. Send it into cyberspace for a while,...right?

Thanks y'all.

Rock 

Hey there,

Just wanted to "welcome you to the club" - pardon the pun :)

You have found one of the best places for support and I hope that you'll come to realize some of the comfort that I've been privildged to find here. Right now, you're probably going through one of the most difficult aspects of BP - being diagnosed and trying to come to grips with it all. I'm in the same boat as you - diagnosed BP II about two years ago. More often than not, I'm glad that I was able to find a conclusive diagnosis so that I could finally find some relief from the madness. Not to say that there aren't those days when you would rather be more average, but at least with a dianosis, there is a way through.

I wish you luck in your journey and to know that this is a place where you are among people who understand what it is to live with BP. You are brave to be facing this with such maturity and intelligence.

Best wishes!

Putter

Now, because I havent replied to everyone after they told me things, Im going to do that, only all in this one post. So here goes...hope you all dont mind it.

psychnurse: First off thanks for telling me about the leaden pararalysis. Ive never heard of it, but thats sure what it felt like, and it makes sense to me. And yes, I tend to cycle very fast when I do. I rarely have episodes longer than a few weeks, but I cycle faster at the change of seasons, (as far as Ive noticed...and my psychologist tells me this also...shes known ive had this much longer than i have if that makes any sense.). Anyway, Im not on Lamatical, right now Im doing a 2 month trial run on Depakote and Effexor (both at very low levels, i only respond to low levels it seems). Anyhow, thats where I am now, I got back to my pdoc in roughly a month, and then I will have to see. These meds do help me, but I dont feel stabilized enough. Maybe im just expecting too much? Hmmmm...i cant decide. Anyhow, I really appreciated your post. i almost cried when i read it. I never have felt that understood before, EVER. Even from family who are bipolar - they still just tell me to suck it up. You are awesome. Hope to hear from you again soon.

Putter: Thanks for your welcome! I am so excited ot have found this. I really think it will help me out. Yes, this time is very hard. I have known it was comming, and its good to finally have a solid answer, a road to go by, if you could call it that - but its hard, especially knowing some of the struggles that may come with it, not only for me, but for those around me. I feel worse for them than for myself. Thanks again, for your words of encouragement!

Sandra: Yeah, Ive never experience Leaden paralysis till just yesterday, very odd feeling. Luckily, i wasnt as bad this morning, but my my, its odd. I appreciate your support. I know this road wont be easy, its already been hard, but I know that meds can help me out some, and i can find a way to do the rest, we all do. I plan on getting a few of those lights. I love being in my room, and i know my mother would appreciate a happier daughter around, so we will work that one out. As far as meds go, Ive already stated that Im on Depakote and Effexor. I took Welbutrin and Lexapro for a while, Welbutrin was great, until i started reacting to it badly and it made me sicker than sick, and Lexapro never did anything for me or against me really. So im not sure in what direction I will go with meds. I have odd reactions to about everythin, so im not the easy patient there. Then agian, are any of us? lol. Again, i really really appriciate your support. Thanks.

You all are so nice, and ahve helped so much already. My day isnt all better, far from it, but its not quite so BLACK. I really appreciate the support and suggestions. If any others come to mind, please be free tolet me know!

BTW, do any of you have any strategies to getting to sleep at night? I dont sleep well anymore, and im not functioning well on this 4 hours a night thing, and im sure some of you get less than that. If you know of anything, it would be great. Im sick of being scared to go to sleep, and im even more sick of knowing i wont sleep anyhow.

See ya later

Rock

Hi, Rock!

I'm so glad you feel some better just knowing lots of people suffer just like you, in exactly the same way.  It does help.  When I started meds, I crashed, becuase I lived in a perpetual state of mania (true mania, with delusions and psychosis) and they had to bring me down, fast.  Never in all my years of it (almost 41 now) did I have a bout with serious depression until then, it lasted about 2 months, i had no support group, Paul at that time really didn't understand, he thought I was just unhappy about taking meds.   He would do the ol' "thnk positive thougths" routine - aaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!  But now he totally understands, well, as much as a non BP can, lol.  I wish I would have had this place to go to, although I was way to weak to even get to the bathroom, so i wouldn't have really been able to type come to think of it. All I thought of all day every day was suicide and i had NEVER considered that before! 

To help bring you out of depression, you should maybe ask your doc about starting Lamictal, it's an epilepsy med used for BP depression, it acts as a stabilizer and antidepressant that actually keeps you from going down, that and wellbutrin together seem to be the safest combo and IMO the most effective.  They are the  preferred antidepressant therapy for BP, SSRIs such as Effexor can easily cause mania, esp if not used with VERY adequate mood stabilizer, and Lamictal and Effexor won't stop it.  Depakote might, but it's still a risk, then you would have to be brougth out of it and possibly crash again.  Plus, it usually loses its effectiveness after a while, most SSRIs do, while Lamictal  rarely does because it doens't work the same way.  It saved my life and many others, too. 

And Putter is sooooooo right about babying yourself and sticking to a strict time schedule, when you are off it, it greatly affects the mood in a negative way ESPECIALLY sleep schedules.  Try to go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time, too, exercise helps mood tremendously when the paralysis lets up enough to at least take a very short, brisk walk, do whatever you can do for the time being.  Eat well, avoid sugar and caffeine and esp alcohol. Any mood altering substances, including foods, will make the swings worse. 

Lastly DO NOT WAIT until your next appt!!!!!!!    When you are having problems, and you still are, you call the doc!   It's vital to getting and staying well.  That's what they are getting paid for and they wont always make you come in, you will probably need either something added, discontinued or the dosage changed, that is an ongong part of treatment, it never stays the same.  Even when "stable" you can run into cycling, esp fall and spring as you know.  Do the babying, calling the pdoc and scheduling and you will be the best you can be esp during the change of seasons.

I hope this does help.  Putter, excellent point I often over look, but very vital.

Glad you're back!

Shannon

And you have all of my respect for being able to get out of bed that early in the morning. It takes every ounce of committment I have to get myself moving on time in the morning and I thought that 6:30 was early ;)

Take Care!

Putter

You have those vivid dreams too? Wow, I just thought that i was insane. You described exactly what mine are. So vivid, real, and scary, you cant distringuish them from reality when you wake up, and most days tehy left me sour and terrified. I can tell you colors and images, things that I never would have imagined I would ever dream about, things sooo disturbing, not nightmares, just realisticly disturbing dreams that leave me completely drained. I wonder if it started with the Effexor. I really dont know. I started it about 8 months ago as I recall, but it seems likely that it could be related. Ill have to check into it. Luckily, they havent been as bad, but they are still there at times...Yeah, I have really liked Effexor, hasnt seemed to give me any side effects (unless this is linked) and it has dramatically helped me. The combo im on right now doesnt feel right for me, ive done much better at other times, but Im just confused on that front. I know it takes time.

Thanks for the compliment. A good job is worht an early morning.

See ya later! thanks for your help also. Getting rid of those dreams would be nice...

Rock

Good morning, rock -

I sooooooooooo understand about the dreams, and yes, Effexor can be making them worse and keeping you from sleeping.  Depakote is a good mood stabilizer, but probably wont help you sleep.  (Take it at night, tho, may work a tad better than if you take in in a.m.)  Maybe you could ask him about a small dose of Seroquel, it's what most BPs get for sleep and it's not addicitng, plus works wayyyyy better than addicting sleeping pills, and never quits working.   The dosages go from 25mg to I think 900mg, so you're bound to find the one that works for you.   I am limited now on how much becuase it is an antipsychotic and I am now on another one (Abilify), so it's not good to take two of them; hence less sleep for me. 

But most all us BPs have those dreams before stabilization anyway.  Vivid, technicolor, detailed dreams that are like a movie in your head and real life, like you said.  Nightmares, horrible images and at least for me, someone always coming after me trying to kill me.  I have been shot, stabbed, drowned, fallen off cliffs, etc. and finally learned to kill my attacker after a long time of losing.  I guess we can disprove the myth that if you die in your dreams you die for real, huh!   It was constant, and terrifying, as I hit the ground I would wake up screaming and sweaty, do I need to mention freaking out whomever I was with that night??????  I just thought it was normal for me, just like the voices, singing, constantly hearing someone call my name when it was quiet, and nobody there.  Not to mention thinking I was a powerful witch with supernatural powers that nobody else had.  (Delusions of granduer).   I didn't know these things were psychosis.  Do you have them?

In case you're interested I'm on Trileptal (mood stabilizer), Lamictal (mood stabilizer/antidepressant), wellbutrin (antidepressant), Seroquel (antipsychotic), Abilify (anipsychotic), and Klonopin (antianxiety/sleep).  Symptom by symptom, you add meds.  Most BPs are on 4-5 meds, so don't freak out if you need to keep adding.  If you are still having the dreams and cant sleep, you are really not stable yet, you probably need a tweak in dosage on Depakote or to try something else, or add something like Seroquel, which acts as a mood stabilizer, too and promotes sleep big time.    Ask your doc when you see him, ok?   Write it down.  Only thing wrong with Depakote is the massive weight gain, so keep an eye on that.  And if you can't tolerate it at a higher level, for goodness sake tell the doc, you will need to try something else, there are several to choose from.   Trileptal, Abilify, Topomax, Lamictal (although should be added to another stablizer, mostly antidepressant action). 

I hope this isn't too confusing, you might want to cut/paste it somewhere and learn it so you'll know when you talk to your doc.  And if I didn't say before work WITH your doc, not just taking whatever, and it not working.  You will get there and find peace, and balance, but you have to be an equal partner in your care like no other illness known to man because there isn't any 'ONE' treatment; one size does NOT fit all, lol.

I totally understand the kind of not nice comments you make; we all feel it and sometimes say it.   I would say things like "oh, ok, I just forgot not to feel this way.  I'll change that right away, thanks for reminding me!" - I was queen of razor tongue, that was mild!     I hated people who would preach "the power of positive thinking" or "what do you have to be depressed about". 

Yesterday I was so tired from bareluy 5 hours of sleep that my bones actually hurt, I couldn't stay awake, but couldn't sleep either, had errands ALL day.  I did fall asleep about 8:30 and slept until my usual time, five oclock a.m.  Feeling pretty good now!  Hopefully all day, I am BP I rapid cycling,  but sooooooo much better since adding Abilify, kind of the icing on the cake, no really bad moods in 3 whole week.  A miracle for me!

Anyways, I hope you have a great day and are feeling a little better and i'm looking forward to hearing back from you!

Shannon

I was just reading all of you posts and find such comfort in them. Shannon has such great insight and hopefully, Rock, it will be some help and consolation for you in the journey. I think that your last post really touched me and struck some hurt that I've been hiding in myself for a while. While it is devastating to discover BP in yourself, I hope that maybe you can spare yourself some of the grief that the rest of us have created for ourselves in being diagnosed and so receptive at such a young age. I mean this in the most positive way and hope that maybe you'll be able to avoid some of the mistakes that I know I've endured as a result of BP. I only have 7 years on you Rock, but 7 years was more than enough to wreak havoc on the lives of friends and family. Although I've learned to embrace the agony as being a part of the road that led me to where I am now (a very great place), there are times when it's hard to face the truth. I don't think that most of my family really understand, and I've learned to accept it. It just becomes painful when you say, "No really - this is it, not like last time" and they don't see the difference.

If I had a "do-over" I'm not sure that I would take it since I wouldn't be where I am now. But if I knew for certain that I would end up in this wonderful place in my life, minus the heartache for my family, I would rather have been diagnosed at 18 when it all started.

Hope you are all having a nice saturday afternoon, and hopefully some rest will set in for both of you.

Take care!

Putter

Putter, Im sorry that i struck a vein there. I hope that it wasnt a horrible thing. I know how taht can go at times, and for me it tends to be not oh so pretty. Other times its an "ah-ha! moment". I hope it was more the latter than the former.

I can only hope to spare myself some grief. I tend to take out my suitcase of logic on many occasion, just to push away my irrationals. If that doesnt work, I get one of my rough friends to talk me out of whatever i am thinking. I do better with myself now, and jsut use some simple tools ive learned, but i can only hope it will help in the long run. I tend to feel EXTREME guilt over everything, and that guiilt isnt worth repeating on most occasions...so its helped me in a lot of ways, I dont want to do that again, so i find some other way to cope, and move on. It really has prevented me from ruining a ton. Sometimes i look back and im amazed I have done the things i have. I dont know how i got here, but something has been working in my favor. I have a lot to thank my parents and brothers for, tahts for sure, and my friends are right in that catagory too.

I am grateful to have a diagnoses. This opens a lot of doors for me, and a lot of insight, and a network of people i can actually catagorize myself in. Sometimes i wonder if its harder to be "just depressed" because everyone is, and everyone treats it as nothing. Then again, this is something that no one knows about. The grass isnt always greener on the other side, in fact ive found it very rarely is. We are handed cards, and we play with them, and thats that, right?

Anyway, enough of my late night ramblings. I hope you have had a good Saturday also. Mine turned out to be stressful, but fun and even slightly productive. YAY! Have a great sunday.

Till next time.

Rock

   Ohhh...it doesnt sound fun. I know how that goes. This morning i woke up with a very tight chest, and chest pains. THis isnt foreign to me, its something that happens whenever my heart takes the tachycardia road for a while. And becasue i had bad dreams all night, im sure thats why. UIghhhh. the dreams are diving me up the wall. I slept for a long time, waking up a lot, but not having hte energy ot pull myself out of bed, and having the small luxury of being able to stay in it for hours longer than normal. But I still feel so drained, just like i did last night before i fell asleep. I swear, sometimes i wonder if going to bed is even worth my time.

As far as the energy thing goes, I get that a lot too. At least once a week i will jsut over ride the tired factor and go go go. THen it hits me full force again and knocks em back to the ground. THe oddd thing is that im still major depressed in these times, its just like the lack of sleep pushes me into overdrive. It really bugs me, but its nice to have a day from dragging.

Yeah, when i get irritable or cant figure out what to do with myself (it happens rarely but i think its the closest ive ever been to full on mania. and i sure hate that feeling. Its like a fury...and i cant calm it.) I tend to clean. And when i say clean, i mean, ever knick and cranney, every room, organization, everything. ITs like a tornado hit...and made it sparkly clean. I never even knew i was capapble of that.

Anyway, I hope today is better. Thanks for venting to us! I started this as a vent, and i want anyone who needs to vent to come here!

Let us know how you are doing.

Rock

I'm so sorry your not sleeping.  It sounds to me IMO of course, that you are not quite stable.  Not sleeping AND having the constant nightmares is a pretty good indicator, and it can lead to mania/psychosis if ongoing.\: the depression and exhaustion.  Not good, rapid extreme mood swings are a result.  I am going through the same process, since my pdoc cut my Seroquel from 250 to 50.  Added Klonopin helps, but still only about average of 5.5-6 hrs a night, and I NEED 8!  You might also ask your pdoc about changing to Trileptal, NO weight gain (I haven't gained an ouncee in almost 2 years on it) will knock you out, but no hangover and works great for me at least,  for stability).  You must call your doc and tell him about your lack of sleep, you need either an increase in Depakote, a change of stabilizer or another med added such as Seroquel.  You WILL sleep with Seroquel added.    Ask your doc about those options, since Depakote doesn't aid in sleep.  Like we have said before, you have to keep in touch when problems come up and participate heavily in your care, know what drugs do what and what can possibly work added or changed.

I hopeyou slept much better last night, did you?  How are you feeling today?

Hello All!

I thought i would get on here and give a quick update. Its been a busy few days, good and bad, and I havent been on the computer much. So while i could be vaccuming the house, and frantically trying ot get things clean so i wont feel ashamed to open the blinds (as much), I would rather be doing this, and thought it would only be right to update y'all.

Well, the last few days have been so busy, i havent really had time to care how I was doing. Ive still been depressed, blah blah blah. But it was good to get out and have some fun anyway, if for no other reason than to break the norm. Sunday was okay till that night, and everything hit me. My whole family has been stressed out over all this stuff thats been going on wiht uncles and aunts, and grandparents, and you get the idea. So the added stress around me set me off. I let myself cry nad got on with it though. Unfortunatley, that fostered 3 hours of restless and horrible sleep..but i made it.

Then Monday hmmm...monday was just so busy i never thought about anything. I got frustrated a few tiems, had those breezes of bad mood, or good mood, or whatever, but thats normal too. So it was just fine. I went out with some friends for the night and we had fun, so it was much needed time.

And today im just frustrated, mad, depressed, confused, sick of being sick, and all that. I havent accomplished near anyhting in the last two weeks, so im extermely overwhelmed about cleaning and all the petty things i havent done. I finally slept more than 5 hours last night WITH NO DREAMS! But now im just MORE exhausted than i was. I am having trouble catching my pdoc, and i doubt i can see him for quite a while, although I am going into my Psychologist in a few hours, thank god. And yet, some moments im still so very happy, and others, I want to sit in a corner and cry irrationally until the world and everything else, every problem, whisp, sound, and smile fade. WHATS WRONG WITH ME? Why must i hate everything,a dn then love it the next moment? Why cant i just figure out what i feel? At least then i KNOW. Gah...frustration frustration.

Anyway, at least i slept. If I myself cant enjoy it, my brain at least, maybe some of of the cells in my body are enjoying it? I sure hope so.

Well, that wasnt a great post...its kinda depressing. lol. Ironic, eh? I hope things are going better with all of you. Talk to you soon.

-Rock

Rock, honey do not go to work today, you can't.  sounds like you're having a panic attack.  Call your doc immediately, have him paged.  Dont worry about pissing him  off, just do it, get some help TODAY right now, tell him exactly what you told us and let us know what happeed, ok?