Vent...sometimes things just suck.

What you had today WAS a panic attack.  Anxiety is different.  A panic attack comes on with no warning, no trigger and you feel like you're going to die.  I had my first one last Nov. and even I didn't realize what was happening, i ended up in an ambulance, lol.  Well, i know it's nt funny, sorry.

What meds are you on again?  Any SSRIs (antidepressants)?  They will bring em on, too.

The psychologist can't really help you with panic attacks, they are pretty much medical in nature, but the anxiety, yes.  Why can you not get a hold of your pdoc???????  Call and tell them you need him TODAY!   Need a med change, panic attack.  Just get him on the phone, don't be all shy about it.   You need help, we are all needing it now, including me.  I just bit a managers head off at walmart today.  I still think you should have just gone into your pdocs office instead of work.  You're gonna have to learn to listen to your body/mind, or you will endup very sick, rock.

Well, Im on Effexor and Depakote. Thats all right now. My pdoc is afraid of putting me on too many meds too fast because my body has very adverse reactions and little tolerance. he was very worried about giving me too much medicine and weaning me on and off.

He is over an hour away from here. i cant find any good ones around here, and tend to not trust doctors much. I like him, but hes also a professor, so hes not in the office all the time, and his secratary isnt either. She said she would be in today when she left me a message - but when i called she wasnt there and hasnt called back.

So a panic attack and an anxiety attack are different? Iknow ive had anxiety attacks. taht being a primary problem for me...but i thought they were the same thing? i know that must sound stupid...

I will keep trying to get a hold of my pdoc still. I realize that i am slipping to a point where i wont be able to cope so well, and i dont plan to get there. He wants me on this medicine for a longer time, i know, but i just dont think i will last that long. Its obviously not enough for right now.

Im just frustrated. I hate taking meds, I hate paying doctors to give em to me, and i dont think i can really explain all of this to anyone. I hate feeling this crazy.

thanks for your support and suggestions

rock

Well, i guess im p[retty screwed then, huh? lol. I dont know. Doctors have never worked with me, and i have come to hate them more than they hate me. and yes, i think they really do hate me. But like i said, ill keep calling, and ill see what i can do. Hes a great doc when you can get a hold of him, and i like him, hes just hard to catch. Ill tell him whats going on and see what i can do. I just feel like i have no options...and well, i never did. most the time they just tell you that you are over reacting and you will be fine, to set up an appt in a month and live with yourself.

Thanks again. Ill talk to him about the effexor. I cant do Welbutrin for how sick it makes me, but maybe Lamatical? will help me. Ive heard its good.

rock

yeah, they have a message. Ive left some today...but no calls back. he doesnt have a pager that in know of. I dont know that he would tell me to wait, but i HAVE had pdocs tell me this before - one reason why its taken me so long ot even get a pdoc, and why im still resistant to it at times. I also have all the other specialists i ahve for other things tell me this, so i think that way now. I just deal and hope i make it through. If i didnt, i would want my parents to have a rich retirement off of me.

Yeah, it makes me mad, but ive never known much differnt. My primary was really good to me, but now i have ot change him too. so yeah....

The meds work out eventually. I was on Welbutrin for two years, loved it. Then it started contributing to anxiety and attacks and the like. I went off of it and went on some other meds and ive been a lot better since. Like i said, im a hard case. i have a rare condition (well, we havent yet done the actual testing, but its the only thing that makes sense with all this) that prevents me from breaking down medications correctly or something. So i have some odd reactions, and i need very little of certain medications to screw me up. Its kinda odd. Im pretty much willing to try anything at this point though. Ive tried a lot of meds, but there are always more coming, a few have to work.

Thanks for being there for me. I really cant say it enough. just to have someone tell me that this is legit makes me fel somewhat better. Either people dont get it so it doesnt feel legit, or they dont and flat out tell you that you are insane and will be fine. its kinda funny actually.

\rock

The only thing they have for "emergencies" on my pdocs message is for a crisis counselor. i dont think i need that. even though my mind is freaking out. I jsut dont knowo what to do. I tried ot explain it to my mom. she thinks im just freaked out over this morning and i shouldnt worry about it. but whatever. like i said, i dont know what else to do. so im just sitting here listening to music, cleaning, and trying to keep my body on a low. its not fun though. my heart keeps speeding up like im going to freak again. hahaha, such a fun feeling.

Anyway, i know you all have a lot on me. I havent ruined anythin big, although there were times when i almost did, but somehow it all worked out. Im grateful for that, and hope to keep it that way, but it sure is hard at times. I am trying to take all of your advice, i just am not sure how to execute things i suppose. i dont ahve much experience with working wiht my doctors one on one. my mom used to do most of that, and when i started doing it, the doctors i had didnt work with me, so im still learning that "art" i guess.

anyhting you know to do to keep calm?

rock

Thanks. I will let you all know. I appreciate the suggestions. I hope it helps.

Talk to you later

rock

Hey Rock,

Just thought that I'd let you know I was thinking about you and hoping that you're feeling a little less off kilter today. I've been in the same boat for the last few days too, but not a severe as what you've been experiencing. Work has been positively insane and I've been trying to keep a grip on my personal life, and it all seems to be so overwhelming. The only part that makes it better, is that I know that I've walked this way before and I made it through the first time with very little help. I know now, I have all sorts of resources and tools to help push though the anxiety.

I'm with you too on the whole Dr. issue. I'm currently between pdocs, i live in a rural area and all but one of the five pdocs that serve this 'neck of the woods' has left for warmer pastures so its hard to get in to see them. And to top it off, my super, super GP is away until monday. I'm good to wait until then since its completely not an emergency, but it does add to the frustration. I'm lucky though since my GP is in tight with pdoc staff and usually consults with them for me when I can't get in to see them. I decided to treat myself and go for a massage tonight. There's a girl here in town who has all these advanced levels in massage therapy and she fixes me up everytime. Helps me get through to the next drs appointment.

Anyway - I hope that things are a little less overwhelming today - take care of yourself,

Putter

i hate myself sooooo much. i am freaking out at every turn, i cant even sleep peacefully, i cant function, i cant go places - whats wrong withme?

How can anyone go through this? how do we deserve this? the lack of understanding is enough to kill me.

rock

Hey Putter,

Thanks for your response. It helps. I just need ot know that im not the only insane one. Im soo out of whack, and im just trying to hang on.

I had a short breather yesterday, I had a lot of fun in the evening and had to take osme pain killers (which for some reason lightened my mood considerably). Two of my best firends and i hung out and did our favorite actvities, and all of us had a ton of fun. But it was short lived and i crashed HARD -ruining a lot with it. Fortunately I have great friends and they knew something was up when my mood changed SO fast. So, they in turn contacted the only person in the world who can calm me down. Still - i dont know why im guilt ridden over it.

I know that someone without BP cant understand, and i dont blame them, but its still hard. I think the reason why this has been so hard this week is that although everyone has seen short episodes like this before, they havent seen this, and not for this long, or this bad. Ive woken my friends up at 2 inthe morning becasue i just needed to talk to someone other than my yelling parents. I mean, i know they are there for me, this year has just been so different. No one knows where this is comming from, and I can even explain it as i ussually can, or try to. This year I am at a complete loss as to what this is. I dont think ive ever gotten this bad. I have a slew of new things ive never contended with - and i really really feel insane. 

Im really rambling, and im sorry. Im partically numb, but still on the verge of another panic attack (making three today - not counting the ones ive stopped) so im kinda in another demension right now. Not thinking striaght, thats for sure.

I have a Doctor appt with my pdoc tomorrow (today when you get this). They were really good about getting me in asap when i talked ot them, but it was still a five day wait. Everyday things have just escalated. If i can make it through tomorrow(today when you read this) i will be fine, im sure. But im worried about tomorrow.

Basically, i just want this to end. I can stand living in my head anymore. I dont understnad whats wrong,a nd i cant even go to my psychologist or anything becasue of insurance crap. I dont know of any resources here in my city. Its a college town, but the college is religious and they just feed you taht  crap and ignore the rest really. Other than that, there isnt much. The culture is such that people arent open to bipolar, most dont know about it, and they are starting ot educate in high schools finally. All fo this is ironic considering that we have one of the highest suicide rates in teh nation. But maybe i just havent looked hard enough- i dont know. Rihgt now im depending on me, my family, and a few close firends who i know will do anything they can for me. ANd this site too.

Anyway, thanks for you input. Im sorry that you are having such a hard time also. I shouldnt be complaining to you. But i really appreciate your support, encouragement, and the knowledge that im not alone, and maybe not completely insane.

Have a good night

Rock

Arenace is totally right; in case you are under the impression that you take your meds and feel better, that's not how it works, unfortunately.  Some meds work, some meds don't .  What works for another may not work for you.  A certain dose of a med that could work for you may be too low.  Constant changing/adding/adjusting doses of meds is the reality of life with BP.  Your brain chemistry will always be changing, therefore your meds have to also.  that's why you keep in frequent contact with your doc.  Most stabilizers can work very quickly, within a few days.  Antidepressants can take 1 to 3 weeks to work.  Antipsychotics such as Seroquel work within an hour or two to take down a mania and help you sleep, too. 

Bottom line is this:  just because your pdoc prescribes a med doesn't mean its going to work at all for you.  If it doesn't work, staying on it isn't going to make it work, either.  You will either need a higher dose, or a different med.   Most of us are on 4-5 meds, thats the average amount for BP people.  I'm on 6 at the moment.  YOu just keep adjusting and adding until you feel much better.  Then a few months down the road you may start cycling again at which time adjustments have to be made.  It's a never ending process.  If all BPs knew this, there would be less misery and suffering among the ones trying to get help.   But heres' the deal:  It's up to you and you alone.  You have to participate in your care, being the passenger doesn't work.  If you have a doc that is reluctant to hear your thoughts or aggressively treat your illness, then you need another doc.  They are all very different too, in their approach, becuase mental illness is not an exact science like the other types of illnesses which can be measured, it's subjective, not objective.