Starting to get to the point of hopelessness

I currently cope with bi polar, depression and anxiety with I have noticed anger being introduced in this equation as well.

I am starting to get to the point of hopeless in my life. I stay with my family due to my having issues with a job. I find all factors playing a part on me keeping a job. I feel like the worse parent in the world all my kids hate me ( stated by my children) I can't shake this depression.

2013 I had a break down and tried to commit suicide. I'm not to that point but it's hard because I really have no one to talk to in the area. My trust is completely ruined with people around here due to what my ex did and playing his head games with me. Oh my goodness I am a mess.

I want to be a good mom to my children but I find myself grumpy and yelling I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm a bad mother and I'm so worried about so much. Anyways thank you for listening.

Is Sasa still on the board?

How are you doing Sas? How are things?

UA

Sas, I'm soo sorry about your diagnosis. *Hugs*

I hope you are getting treatment for it and you have good doctors.

We have a Lyme's disease forum. I would encourage you to check it out as you would be able to meet member with Lyme's disease as well, and you would get support there as well.

Please know that we are here for you. Feel free to post and vent or share anytime.

UA

Sas:

Speaking of doctors, have you ever considered getting a psychiatrist for your situation? You said:

"I currently cope with bi polar, depression and anxiety.... I'm starting to get to the point of hopeless in my life. I feel like the worse parent in the world.... I can't shake this depression.
2013 I had a break down and tried to commit suicide."

Have you ever been to a psychiatrist? I'm manic-depressive and take medicine for it. It has helped me.

You said, "I want to be a good mom to my children but I find myself grumpy and yelling I don't know what to do."

I think you are a good moma.

I'm really glad you replied.

I'm sorry to hear you are having trouble, but reaching out for help is a good thing. I think you can get through this.

I've gone through a lot, also. I went for several weeks into depression, and it got so bad for so long, that I had a nervous breakdown.

One thing I learned from that is, that I didn't do anything to help myself during that time. Some years after that I heard a saying and I realized it had applied to me during that time. The saying is:

"Looking for a helping hand? What about the one on the end of your arm?"

That is, I use that bad experience to ask myself during my current bad experiences: Are you doing enough to help yourself?

That is, I'm questioning myself about if I'm doing anything to help myself, or just complaining about the situation, or complaining about others not doing enough to help me.

Another saying I've heard through the years is, "The only person you have to overcome is the person you have to look at in the mirror every morning."

Now that's tough. I'm to blame? Yeah.

Another thing I learned was, I was in a group therapy onetime and when it came my turn I talked about a lot my problems in a voice so sad it would have brought you to tears.

The woman sitting next to me was very patient. She listened to all of my problems. When I was finally finished, she looked at me in the eye from about a foot away, and said, "Oh, you were having a Pity Party"? We've all done that."

Well, yeah, she embarrassed me to tears, right there in front of the other couple of group members, but then I thought, `But she didn't say that in a mean way. And she did say, `We've all done that. And she is a female, and so....'"

Well, whatever she did, she did it in the right way, because ever since then, whenever I try to feel sorry for myself, I hear that woman's voice, and I see her face, and it doesn't work. I can not get up a good Pity Party.

I now think, well, yeah, I'm having it pretty rough. What am I going to do about it?

I don't know if that woman was an angel or what, but I know that I grew up that day, and I was about 40 years old. That group therapy meeting was the last car trip I was able to take for about 5 years, because of a physical condition.

I mean no doctors, except for a psychiatrist over the phone, I mean, nothing. But I never felt sorry for myself. Because of that woman. She's always with me when things get bad.

But I was still negative, until I read a column on being positive, which I can mention later.

You say, "I have not been able to get in touch with a psychiatrist there is not many in this area I live in."

Can you contact one and see if you can get an appointment?

You say, "I have been starting to get that same hopeless mindset I did in 2013... sigh I don't know!!!!"

Well, I'm glad you let it be known how you feel. There are people who are on your side and want to help you. You did your part by letting people know there is a problem.

You are doing your part with your children. Now let somebody else do their part.

Sas:

I’ve heard it said that when a child is young, he will step on your feet. When he gets older, he’ll step on your heart.

I was driving my son to his 8th grade middle school one morning, and as we got a long distance from the building, he said. “This will be close enough.” His mother said he did the same thing with her at that, and other, ages.

Yeah, it hurts. There’s no medicine strong enough for that one. There's no Band-Aid big enough.

My dad used to say, “Roll with the punches,” meaning, lean away when life throws you a tough punch.

One of your problems is that you are very sensitive, which is one reason why your children like you and want to live in your house with you as their mother.

And one reason you are writing to this board. Life has enough mean people, it needs more sensitive ones like you.

I know one nice couple whose some 9 or 10 year old son choose to live with another couple, and he did, for many years. Talk about tough.

I still say you’re a good mom. Sometimes kids have bad days.

I bet after school that day, your son picked your house to come to, which shows you’re doing a good job.

Take pictures of him in the living room with his diploma.

Gosh, if he went home with his girlfriend, you might be a grandmother before you know it.

My wife and I were grandparents before we thought we would be, our son got his girlfriend pregnant when he was 15 and she was the same age, had the child when they were both 16.

The child is now 23, and when his girlfriend was 16, he got her pregnant when he was 21, a couple of years ago.

Your child spends the night with his girlfriend and he's in the 8th grade?

Our child didn't want to go places with us, either, in the 8th grade. He's basically the same way now and he's almost 40.

What was your home-life like?

His life has been pretty hard. I know that and feel terrible because everything I went through in the last 16 years of my life he has gone through what I've gone through. I cry all the time because of it.

I am on meds. I tried lithium it made me sick.
Lamictal- bi polar
Cymbalta- depression
Xanax - anxiety.
Been on many different meds including Latuda
Wouldn't suggest that for anyone I had bad side effects from that one.
I live in a small town the closest place that has a good psychiatrist is over 60 miles away. With no job I would have difficulties getting to and from appointments.
Once you get someone who makes your life a living excuse my language hell it's hard to make friends so I have really no one that can help me with a ride. I am sort of an out cast in this town due to my ex boyfriend the guy that caused my break down him and his ex wife both caused that break down.
His ex wife has caused nothing but problems for me here. I can't move no job, no money no one to help me. my family has turned there back on me I asked my mother to move in with her and she said no. I'm staying with my father but he lives in this town so I really am stuck.
To answer your question.
No I don't feel like an ok person, Its hard for me to look into a mirror I feel like I don't belong. Like I'm a waste of space.. I just am so sick of everything. And Everytime I take 5 steps forward I end up taking 10 steps back. I've tried counciling but I have very horrible trust issues. I have not found one that I can trust. His ex wife and her family hate me and have alot of people who are either friends, family or are close to them. They are even close to the judge here in town. I'm wanting to get out of this town but i don't know where to start...

Yes the Xanax helps,
When I take both my depression and bi-polar meds they do help. When I have alot on my mind I forget sometimes to take my meds. My doc refills my scripts.
Living with my father is difficult he is 67 years old so it gets hard to deal with him sometimes he is set in his ways and I butt heads with him all the time. He tries to help with my kids especially when I'm really down and depressed. The guy that caused my break down started 9 months into our relationship in 2003. My ex Michael played a lot of games with my head and my heart he is my 5th child's father. I met him in 2002 about a week after the car accident I was in. We moved in together right away. 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. We were ok for the first 6 months of my pregnancy but his ex girlfriend at the time (who eventually became his wife) was starting her crap. I lost my apartment and had to move in with my father so we moved in with him. We were constantly arguing at 8 months pregnant I told him he needed to choose me or his ex and he chose her. At 37 weeks I went into labor I was there alone no one to help me with support during my labor, the day after my delivery he showed up with her to see my son. That really made me very angry. And hurt me bad. Later on like a week later I found out well I was having his son he was off sleeping with her. It broke my heart but eventually forgave him. We still stayed broke up. We went to court we agreed on 50/50 with our son at that time he was still with his ex wife latoya. I raised my 2 boys by myself with the help of my father stayed living with him until I was able to get into low income housing. Where I met my ex greg when I lost my place we moved back in with my father my son Shaun was 5 Chris was 3 it was Easter Mike and i had been doing alot of arguing so I agreed to let his in-laws take Chris so Mike could see him for his week. After the week was up and they were suppose to return my son they refused to give me any info on where he was or how he was I ended up getting the police involve in which only told me it was a civil matter we ended up going back to court. Latoyas cousin and family talked Me into signing guardianship papers over to his father in law not being in my right state of mind I signed the paperwork. Greg and i stayed together with me for 5 years. From 2003-2008. We fought alot due to my bi-polar and mood swings. He was also sick with depression and we both were not on the right meds at the time. We eventually grew apart and just decided to be friends (in which we still are to this day) I got kicked out of low income housing due to some issues with my x's past. Anyhow. 2008 I moved back in with my father. In 2009 I met my 6th childs father over a chat line ( big mistake ) when I met my child's father the first 4 months of my pregnancy were very trying between him and i we didn't last very long he was on all types of drugs including cocaine, meth, crack, pills ect, plus alcohol. He was violent and in and out of jail. Well I was having my son he was locked up. I took my son to see him one time because after we communicated over the phone he threatened me that he was going to take my son and leave to Ohio with him. That he was going to blow my house up with my kids and I in it. I got a restraining order against him for over 18 years.
Stayed single for a while from 2009-2011 had a fling with my daughter's father still living with my father. A week after I gave birth I almost died due to having pneumonia 90% of my lung was covered in pneumonia. I was in the hospital for the first 3 weeks of her life. I almost died. I found out after my daughter turned 2 that Michael was locked up for 6 years I got in touch with him and we wrote back and forth. We talked about being together after he got out and getting married etc etc... he got out in the spring of 2013. That was the first time I seen him since 2006. Every time he would come to see me he would hide his car, we would have to Sneek around because he didn't want his ex wife to know about us. He refused to take pictures or go anywhere with me. It was a very trying time for me I was really depressed. I ended up running out of my bi-polar med and depression med it was day number 3 with out both of them. I really felt in loved, and disrespected from michael, my father, my step brother and my son Shaun I felt like no one loved me and they would be better off without me One day I went on a social site after him refusing to take pictures together I found him sitting with a female on the couch and her hand was on his knee. Not only did he take pics with someone and post them online but he had another females hand on his knee. That night a few hours before he went to work we had a blow up fight about it. I lost it and could not control the tears I started worrying about him leaving me etc. He finally calmed me down before he left for work. Worked 3rd shift at a factory.
I'm not fully sure what time it was but my kids were asleep I sat on the side of my bed with the tears falling down and said "you win devil you want me come and get me I'm done you win" I opened a bottle of 25mg tablets of benadryl and started shoving handfuls of pills in my mouth. What I was told is my ex got off work the next morning and found me and called 911 I only remember grabbing michael and pulling on him then nothing next thing I know I woke up in the ICU I found out during my hospital stay in the mental hospital that I took 3/4 bottle totalling 9600 milligrams of benadryl. I spent a week in the hospital needless to say him and I no longer have anything to do with each other. I did work with him but could not handle it I no longer work there any longer. I have had one relationship which did not last. I'm still broken hearted and have not healed from him. So him and Latoya are no longer married however she did get re married and guess who lives next to her new in laws.. yep my father. So this is really hard fore because all I want is for her to feel as much pain as I have from her and michael. I got a job and in june 2015 I moved into my own place left that job because it was not enough to pay rent started working at another job in Oct 2015 got laid off in Nov 2015 got behind on rent due to being laid off the land Lord allowed us to keep living there. In late Jan I got evicted and had to move back into my dad's house.
Been here every sense. It's hard to trust anyone and I have tried to make amends with the people who hurt me but they still make it hard for me and I hate them so bad I wish that they would disappear.
There are no group therapy places around here yes there is a library here in town but I don't like going outside I am afraid to go outside my anxiety acts up Everytime I go out. I will try to figure out something.
When I was young all I wanted to be was a mom. During my childhood I remember bits and pieces of my mother telling me to get out of her face amongst other things. I find myself yelling at my kids and following in some of my mothers footsteps she was never there to teach me to clean or really anything a mother is suppose to teach there children i didn't get the love and support I wanted from my mother. Sorry for the long post...

You said, “thank you for listening”

Thank you for telling me.

I’m glad the medicines are helping, and that you are getting an appointment with an in-town psychiatrist.


You said, “It’s hard to trust anyone.“ You also said somewhere I believe that it was hard for you to truth a counselor.

I had trouble with a male doctor one time, and I’ve only gotten female doctors since. I know that in a small town that might not be possible but are there any female psychiatrists in your town?

You said, “There are no group therapy places around here yes there is a library here in town but I don't like going outside I am afraid to go outside my anxiety acts up Everytime I go out”

I’m sorry to hear that.

The woman I’m trying to help here had many of the same things. She said her step father would sexually abuse her and her mother would beat her. So I know from listening to her what that must be like.

As you said, “all I wanted to be was a mom.” I think you can work towards that.

I think you are doing the best you can, and think you are doing well at that in a lot of ways. If you can continue to have that goal, and maybe stop the cycle of abuse from going on another generation, I think that would be a worthy objective.

One of the sayings I have is, “One problem at a time, and be positive about that problem.”

One way I keep my pills is, for my daytime pills in the kitchen, I turn the bottle over when I have taken it for the day. If I take a second of that pill later in the day, I then turn the bottle sideways to let myself know I have taken the 2nd pill.

My nighttime meds are in my bedroom, and I do them the same way.

That way, I know if I’ve taken them or not.

You said, “When I was young all I wanted to be was a mom. During my childhood I remember bits and pieces of my mother telling me to get out of her face amongst other things.

“I find myself yelling at my kids and following in some of my mothers footsteps she was never there to teach me to clean or really anything a mother is suppose to teach there
children i didn't get the love and support I wanted from my mother. Sorry for the long post...”

You said you had children, 15, 6 and 5.

Can you set as a goal to not continue the cycle of abuse, so that they won’t abuse when they grow up?

Can you try to put up a roadblock between your parents’ abuse of you, and your miss-treating your children? Can you say, every time a problem comes up with your children, “One problem at a time and be positive about that problem?”

You said, “I'm so worried about so much.“

What is your chief worry right now? Can you try to be positive that you can solve it?

Can you tell yourself that you love yourself?

If your pills are working with your depression, why are you depressed? Are they not working?

You said, “During my childhood I remember bits and pieces of my mother telling me to get out of her face amongst other things. I find myself yelling at my kids and following in some of my mothers footsteps she was never there to teach me to clean or really anything a mother is suppose to teach there children i didn't get the love and support I wanted from my mother.”

Can you not yell at your children?

Can you not follow in the footsteps of your mother?

I know it is difficult. The woman I’m trying to help here was mistreated just like you were, and is probably borderline personality syndrome, but she did not holler at her now grown child, and her now grown daughter does not holler at her young children.

She is now away from her abusive boyfriend who used to live with her and was bringing her down to the point of attempted suicide; she is now keeping children to help pay bills.

Over the recent 3-day holiday, she was feeling sorry for herself because she had too much time on her hands like everyone else in town over the 3-day holiday, and I told her she should get down on her knees and thank God for her many blessings.

Why? Because those feelings come over me in tough times, and, as someone told me, I have to remind myself to quit the Pity Party, and to get down on my knees in thanks to God for my many blessings, so I won’t be thinking about my problems so much, and get into a downward spiral that leads to gloom and doom.

Is there any way you can get back into public housing since it wasn’t your fault that it was your boyfriend who was taking drugs, not you, which got you kicked out, also?

Can you bring it up with your new psy. to help you do that? Could you keep 3 kids on your own, or are you better off where you are with your father’s help?

I think if you can move you should do that, and if you can’t you should stay where you are, and quit sitting the middle of those two things and hollering at everybody.

I want you to tell me one thing that you appreciate about where you are now. I want you to quit hollering at your kids and cook them some frozen biscuits for supper so they will grow up and make their kids some frozen biscuits for supper just like you did.

I want you to forget about your breakdown in 2013 and think about what you could be doing for yourself and your kids today. I had a mental break down years ago, also, 3 of them, and I don’t sit around and ***** about it.

I did ***** about my wife’s affairs for years after she died of a long illness but my therapist said to quit *****ing about it. I know, only until I had more experiences did I manage to get over that, but I did.

Please think of a way to win and not let the devil win this time.

Sas:

I was thinking.

You said some things, like, you were raped younger than 14, but that you don't remember anything else when you were younger than 14;

that you wanted you and the kids to move in with your mom, but she wouldn't allow it.

Putting some of these things together, can I ask, where was your dad when you were raped? Was he living with you?

Was he the one responsible for that? Is that why you don't like living with him?

If he played a part, are you comfortable with him in the same house as your children? Is that why you want to move to your mom's?

If she won't take you and the kids in, can you get back into public housing? Maybe the psychiatrist can help you with that?

Could you manage the kids by yourself?

Is this causing you any problems?