death of son

Haven't chatted for a while, but now I have to post. I have been struggling with my depression and mania a lot lately and have been trying to see my therapist more often and take my meds as prescribed, but with not eating at times it's hard for my meds to work. I felt like no one could make my life better. Then last Saturday my life was completely crushed. The police came to my house and informed me that my son was found dead in a hospital parking ramp from an overdose of heroin.. He and I had been fighting the night before because he wanted money (he lived with me) and wanted the car. Earlier that morning in the middle of the night he came back again for the car and money to go to the emergency room because his heart was beating so fast. He asked me to take him and I through the key's at him along with my debit card because he told me it cost $20 for a co-pay. Well he stopped and got some heroin and did it in the parking ramp at the hospital. They found him in a corner trying to get to the ER. I feel like my world is falling apart right now. How can I ever take it back and should have taken him there. I'm lonely and depressed all the time. All I wanted to be was alone and people kept coming over and the viewing and funeral were torture. Today is the only day I have been alone since it happened and I just can't stop my racing thoughts. I am not handling this well and I feel as no one understands. Everyone said it will get better, but I feel like I want to stay in my room and keep away from everyone. Am I over reacting or is this normal for grief. I try hard to not be a pest to my husband, but I keep saying it's not real and that I want him back. God please give him back to me! I just wanted to tell someone how I'm feeling and that I can keep talking to all of you.

So sorry for your loss and I know those words hold very little meaning right now. As a mom who has lost a child as well as the mom of a addict I can't urge you enough to find a counselor who understands addiction and grief. You cannot carry the burden of your sons death anymore than you could his addiction both were results of his own making. You know had you not given him money he would have gotten some other way,had you attempted to take him he likely would have refused your offer. They become so adept at storytelling we can never be sure what's real and what's not. We as parents who love them want so badly to believe them and we do far too many times that every once in awhile we have to be in control and not enable them.

My nights of constant worrying and no sleep,my heart stopping at every strange car in my drive or ring of my phones at a standstill right now and has been for nearly 3 months. My son's in jail,he survived that round but that could change the very next time he's released. There will likely be a next time because jails not treatment and treatment is what's needed for his addiction to be controlled.

I don't have the answers you seek but rest assured your loss will never leave you but your strength will weaken it one day. For now just mourn your loss,be good to yourself and try to come to terms with the fact you could have possibly changed that night or not and had it not been that night it would have been another because sometimes addiction wins no matter how much we wish it weren't so.

Maggiern,

I don't know you, as I am mostly just on the A\P forum...

...but I could not see your thread title without reading and responding.

From one mother's heart to another, I want to send my deepest sympathies. I can't imagine what you must be going through, and my heart aches for you.

I know I can't offer anything in the way of comfort now...but did want you to know you are on my heart, and in my thoughts and prayers.

Scaredy Cat

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I hope you find some peace and comfort.

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I can't imagine the pain you are going through losing your child. You cannot put a timeline on grief, everyone grieves differently. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

My heart is broken for you maggiern. So much strength to you. I'm so sorry.