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Soo confused - More Frustrated.

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Posted 11/19/2005 6:03 AM (GMT 0)
Okay, so i havent posted in a while - but here i go again.

Im really getting very very confused. I have never been this bad before - even in the fall. I always get depressed, adn i always cycle (usually winthin about a 1 month period) - but im just seeming to get worse and worse this year - not comming out of it or even remotely stabilizing as i do most years. Sometimes i think its just me - im dwelling on it, or im just sick, or its just a bad day, or soemthing...i dont know.

Anyway, this last week has been bad. I seem to go through a cycle daily where i wake up moody, go to work, but by early afternoon i am seriously hypo-manic or manic (somewhere in there), cant sit in one place, want to conquer the world - and by early evening i am crushed in my little walnut shell, wanting to cry and yet unable to. All my enerygy is dashed, and i just lay on the couch and turn into a zombie. I feel completely unproductive, anxious, and hateful. What is this?

I just dont understand, i cant possibly be cycling that fast...and I just dont know, maybe its just my thoughts - maybe im the one causing it.

Anyway, i just wanted to see if any of you had had this or heard of it. Im so confused, and one thing that i rely on heavily in this swirl of a mind game is understanding - and i need to understand what it is that my brain is doing, or that i am doing. Any answers you can offer?

Thanks.

Rock

Posted 11/19/2005 3:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Rock,
Is it possible you are reacting badly to a med? I know Abilify makes me hypo for a couple of hours after I take it and then I even out again. Although I haven't heard anyone else say they've had that problem. I would certainly contact my pdoc and let him know whats going on. It sounds like a miserable rollercoaster you're riding. Maybe he can help you tone it down. It could be a simple as adjusting a med.
Hope you feel better soon.
Ellie
Posted 11/19/2005 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, it is possible. I just (about a week and a half ago - feels like ages) went up on my Effexor (doubled the dose). I just dont know when to call the pdoc and talk to him again - it seems as though im just not giving my body enough time to adjust. I can handle it - most the time...Im just ruining things along the way. People just dont get how you can go from high and happy to low and out in .06 seconds.

Anyway, i appreciate your comment. It would make sense...gah, meds are soo frustrating.

Rock

Posted 11/20/2005 6:07 AM (GMT 0)
Ooooo, Effexor did not agree with me at all. Lots of tension and anxiety. That doesn't mean it can't work for you but it certainly isn't my AD of choice. Hope you're feeling better this evening.
Ellie
Posted 11/25/2005 3:47 AM (GMT 0)

Okay, im going insane again.

Argg. SOO much irratibility. I cant explain it I dont know where it comes from, and no one else is getting it. My father (the only BP I know) is the only one really understanding towrads this. My friends and fam are frustrated - and im going crazy. I go from depressed to anxious to manic to irritable, to all of them at once, to depressed and so on. I go through soo many emotions in one day now, i jsut dont know how to control it. Im just riding the current, hoping things work out - but its just making me more anxious and irritable.

I think everything around me is going so badly, and they arent when i step back - they just feel that way. Im the one driving myself crazy!!!! What do I do?

I plan to call my Pdoc tomorrow - but considering its the day after thanksgiving, i dont know how easy it will be to get a hold of him. Really, im just frustrated, not seriously freaking out. Gah - I hate being teh irritable one though.

Thanks for letting me vent - if you could call it letting. Happy thanksgiving all!

Rock

Posted 11/25/2005 4:41 AM (GMT 0)
Happy Thanksgiving to you as well, although it sounds like you could have had a better day. I think holidays bring out the worst in us. I must admit to the same irritability today. I would have loved to have chucked drumsticks and the lot into the living room floor and told them to eat it like the lazy dogs they were. I ended up sitting on the floor to eat because I couldn't get my 23 year old daughter to remove her legs from the sofa so someone else could sit down. I probably bit all the way through my tongue.
I think calling your pdoc is a good idea although hopefully once all the holiday stress is through you may feel better in the morning. Considering this has been an ongoing issue with you I wouldn't let it go on. I do understand your frustration. I think most of the time I live in a constant state of irritation.
Hope you and your pdoc can find a solution quickly
Ellie
Posted 11/26/2005 5:16 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for your quick reply and support. I do dread the holidays, when company comes and things have to get done. Its not that they are bad or i dont like the family, I just dont do well with the stress. There is always something though, huh?

I called my pdoc yesterday, and im looking for a short term solution while i wait for my appointment. Its in about two weeks - so if all else fails, i will make it anyhow. I just have never had this type of...paranoia before, i have no idea how to deal with it. The anxiety isnt new - but paranoia is something i have never really experienced to this extent. Can we say NUTS!?

Anyway, thank you for your continuing support. It helps a lot to know that im not completely insane. I know thre is something wrong, but maybe im not making it all up - lol.

Hope things are going better for you. Sounds like Thanksgivign was very stressful on your end also. So much to do!

Be happy.

Rock

Posted 11/26/2005 6:42 PM (GMT 0)

Hey Rock,

I was just thinking about you this morning and wondering how you are making out. I think that the holidays are a challenge for the average population - throw in some fluctuating moods and its no surprise that most of us have loads of anxiety over them.

I've been feeling a lot the same way too with the anxiety and the upset (except I live in Canada to it can't be the holiday, lol). I was pretty convinced that it was the depression creeping in again, but now I'm not so sure. I was able to lower the dose on my mood stabilizer for a while, and things seemed to be fine. But when I hit a whole ton of stress at work and home, my anxiety level went through the roof. I know that it sounds obvious about the stress and anxiety, but I was having panic attacks over things that weren't worth a second thought. Getting to the end of my ramble... I re-adjusted my mood stabilizer to a slightly higher dose (i'm ultra sensitive to the stuff) and it appears to have resolved much of the problem. I've done some reading that suggests that anxiety can often mask manic symptoms. So we feel ultra anxious, but it might actually have a larger component of mania acting than we realize. When I think back, I can see in recent months how this could be a good explaination for me, ultra irritable, lots of energy, etc. Now that I'm back on the more regular dose of depakote, i would say that I'm back to myself. Its still annoying since the depakote is ultra effective for me, but I end up fighting what seems to be a losing battle with my weight because of the stuff, but also end up with a restless leg syndrome like effect. I think that my body is still adjusting so maybe it will level out again in the next few weeks.

Anyway - I hope that you're able to find some sort of resolution to the struggles as of late. Hopefully you'll be able to take the rest of your weekend to relax.

Take care!

Putter

Posted 12/1/2005 6:14 AM (GMT 0)
Fall and winter seem to always be worst times for me as well, due to the lack of sunshine and lack of hours of sunshine. I have heard a sun lamp helps, but can't afford those. I have the depression, and have also had hypomania where I pace the floor and can't hardly sit still and have to walk around a lot. Other times I can hardly get out of bed and have to keep going back to bed to rest to calm myself down and read or something. Moods can be hard. Holidays can be harder yet for some of us. You may need to do what I had to and request an anti anxiety medication such as Klonopin or Lorazepam, which I have tried both and both did help. Klonopin could only be on a few years as I think it was addicting and it was hard going off of that drug. Depakote or Lithium work great for those of us with Bipolar. Just be sure you call your doctor's office and let them know of your mood changes, or see them shortly and see if perhaps they could add something to what you are already on to stop the hypomania.
Posted 12/1/2005 8:07 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for your advice. Yeah, i dont know what i am anymore. Im jsut crazy is all i know. Someitmes i out of it depressed, adn others i just cant stop thinking of things to do. Right now i cant stop thinking and worrying about things to do, but i feel more depressed than ever, but i cant stop doing things even though im sick and tired and my body is dragging. I just dont understand it. Oh well, i suppose thats the nature of this, no one understands it - and i dont get that luxury either.

I go back to my doctor on Monday, we will see what he suggests. I know i need something more for anxiety, and im sure he will agree. other than that, i dont know what hes going to use to stop whatever this is. maybe it cant be stopped. i dont know.

anyway, thanks again. hope things are going well with all of you.

rock

Posted 12/2/2005 10:47 AM (GMT 0)
Rock, you sound like me wehn I tryed wellbutrin. very irratable. I am not dx BP, but quite certain I am given my family history and my growing up and reactions to meds, and bith my children are, but I have not tryed abilify, but my son has, slightly more stable but not reeally very irratble still. I do hope you can find the right combo that wont drive you insane, thats what i am trying to do with me,a nd my kids. Good luck....
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