Been a while since I was [i]anywhere...

I haven't been on here in quite some time....for some history, I lost my Sister in 2013, a Brother in 2014 and my Dad in 2015. The first two, to cancer and my Dad...he'd had enough.

I just realised tonight that I've been deep in a valley for 4 years. Last November I lost one of my best childhood friends. We stayed in touch through our weddings, births, holidays...I hadn't seen or spoken to him at all in 2 years. Turns out he basically drank himself to death. I had no idea he was in so much trouble - in and out of rehab.

It was just tonight that I realised I hadn't yet mourned him. Partly because I feel I failed him - that I should have been in touch...should have known. I know it's misplaced guilt but.....there it is.

I realised I've been 'wearing the mask' (the happy one) for 4 years. Through each passing, I've had no one to turn to...talk to....help me mourn. Oh, I've shed my tears....many. But I think I was so comfortable with the 'mask' that his passing didn't change me. Not just the mask - I was and have been running on that so low plateau where you're just numb to the world.

I was fixing the screen door - nothing permanent as it'll be replaced soon - and as I finished, a phrase ran through my head "best jury-rig I've seen today". That was something my friend often said and it triggered everything.

I feel low but also free in a way....I just have to drop the mask. I'll miss my Friend and cherish his memory.

Thanks for letting me vent.....and being here.

BFE,

thanks. Yeah...that mask can get comfortable. I'm also dealing with a Son who has Anxiety disorder and is in trouble with alcohol. Sometimes it seems like I'll never smile again but I do try to find the small humours and wonders of everyday life.

One thing I've learned over the years is that things ALWAYS work out. It's the interim that is draining. I'm no stranger to the peaks and valleys of Bipolar disorder so do understand what's happening - I've just been blinded of late.

Thanks again for listening (reading?). On the upside, my Fibro may have been a misdiagnosis. Since seeing a Physiotherapist for a torn rotator cuff I've come to understand the connectivity of all our muscles and the treatment has greatly reduced the pain. I even stopped all painkillers about 4 months ago.

Brian

UA,

thanks. I'm sure things will improve - get easier - if I just stay cognizant of how I really feel. I started yesterday by acknowledging my grief and welcoming it. Today's a bit better and I know tomorrow will be even clearer. I know what I need to do (physical exercise is one thing) and thankfully have some time off work after today to focus on these needs.

My biggest issue through all this has been ignoring how depressed I've been. That 'happy mask' was worn only in public but, when alone I buried all else in self-indulgence/medication. One highly motivating factor is helping my Son - something I can't really do if I'm unhealthy.

So....one day at a time...one moment at a time......trying to remember that each moment above ground is a good one.

I wish I'd had the sense to sign on here sooner....ah well, better late than never.

Brian