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49 yr. Old divorced, broken to.pieces, recently diagnosed Bipolar 1 / incest survivor

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 4/9/2017 10:15 PM (GMT 0)
KiwiBear

Thank you for this site and your written experiences. Each story has moved me to share my story about how bipolar has ravaged, burned and scared every facet of my life.
The trauma of sexual abuse and sexual assault distorted my being inwardly and outwardly. Both which intensified my undiagnosed illness.

I attended various psychiatrists appointments thorough out my life and the best they could come up with was depression and PTSD. I was sent for therapy and nothing else. A marriage later and one innocent daughter witnessed horrible anger, elation, neglect, severe depression. My career was job hopping, approximately 35 positions and moved approximately 40 times.

Once again in an eposide of mania, which I now know it to be; I moved with a job to go to. I became psychotic, lost my job, place to live and items owned. My room mate stole everything I owned and vacated to who knows where.
Shelter, streets, horribly psychotic and disorientated, I came upon a hospital and entered hoping they would give me food.
While, the doctors legally formed me and from here I spent four months getting treated for bipolar 1.

I see my psychiatrist once a week, ( she really tries to help me), and I take my meds. We are considering more ECT treatments as well.

I cry constantly with a remorseful, guilty heart because of how I conducted myself and couldn't secure my x-husband's and daughter's heart. I couldn't hang on to or own anything. I painfully see this now. I am not stable enough to work, I livein assisted housing. I am lucky enough to have one friend and my best friend is my cat.

Dating does not happen, once I disclose my bipolar, they run.
When does the remorse of precious moments lost and mourning of what and who I could have been. Bipolar is a curse.

The sting of morning and the pain of the day eagerly awaits the effects of the sleeping pills then my head hits the pillow while my furry best friend huddles close by my legs. I can't wait to not to wake up.

Thank you for listening.
Posted 4/10/2017 12:37 AM (GMT 0)
Any port in a storm.

It does sound like you've had it rough.

I, also have bipolar 1, said to be the worse of the two types of that.

I take 700 mg of Lithium and 7.5 mg of Mirtazapine anti-depressant.

I think another artist, Vincent Van Gough, might have described his manic-depression about the same way as you did: "bipolar has ravaged, burned and scared every facet of my life."

One difference is that when Van Gough lived, mid to late 1800s, they didn't have any treatment for that. His life was very rough, also.

You say you are on medicine. Do they seem to be helping?

Do you think the ECT helped?

Did any of your relatives have emotional problems, like you mother or your father? Sometimes traits can skip a generation, and your grandparents could have had emotional problems, but not your parents.

Do you have any aunts or uncles who have such problems. Sometimes it helps to know where they came from and what they are.

Did you have any trouble in high school? I had quite a bit, which I think is where my bipolar first started to show itself.

I've lost a lot of jobs, also. Sometimes I think about that and it's kinda painful.

Do you have things you enjoy? Do you enjoy watching TV? I have certain types of shows that I like.

It's good that you have a friend. I have a pet dog that I take for a walk everyday.

You said, "Shelter, streets, horribly psychotic and disorientated, I came upon a hospital and entered hoping they would give me food."

You lived on the street? Have they made a movie of your life, yet?

I think it's commendable that you've made it this far with all that you've been through. Do you get to see your daughter?

How is assisted living? Do you get to go places? I have a hard time with transportation because of a health problem, so I can't just jump in a car and go somewhere, and that has caused me a lot of problems.

For instance, if I need to get out of here, go to the doctor's or somewhere, I can't just jump in the car and go. And that causes a lot of problems. Are you able to get out from time to time?

You are very artistic. Do you do any kind of art?

How often do you get to see your friend?
Posted 4/10/2017 3:27 AM (GMT 0)
I just delivered a kind smile to you. Your the sweetest bird to hold in my palm, thank you so much. With no judgement you still heard me. My intention was not to overwhelm anyone and you hung in there and actually heard me and replied with knowlegably kind soul.

Regarding the medication we have been modifying for a year with weekly visits, hence the idea of ECT. I had ten rounds during my four month hospitalization. I think it helped. I am willing to try anything at this point. As for my 21 year old daughter she refers to me as her friend and not her mother. She is getting married August 12 and I am unable to go because I am poor, and she doesn't eant me there. Her dad and his girlfriend and my x mother in law get to see her married in another province. She talks to me, here and there. I have asjed her to call my doc so that she can medically understand what happened to her mum. She isn't partaking in the medical knowledge.

I cry, sob knowing I am alone.

You mentioned you had a dog. Wounderful for you and your awesome puppy. What would we do without our fur balls of joy. Once again, you warmed my heart.
Posted 4/10/2017 11:41 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Kiwibear,

Welcome to the forum! I am glad you joined.

Thank you for sharing about yourself with us.

It sounds like you are on the right track by taking your meds and attending your therapy sessions with your psychiatrist on a weekly basis.
I am sorry that you will not be able to attend your daughter's wedding. It sounds like your family may be distant from you. Do you have any other family and friends who are close-by with you? Having a support system helps. HealingWell helped me a lot.

I hope you will feel better. You are not alone in this. We are here for you.

UA
Posted 4/11/2017 1:59 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for replying UA. I appreciate the welcome from you and "Any Port in a Storm", it gives me comfort. I talk to my eighty year old father who lives thousands of miles away, once a week. He is old school and thinks mental health diseases are, mind over matter. However, I try not to overwhem him, and he listens as best he can. My mum died a year and half ago and there are no other family members that keep in contact with me. They know I am mentally ill and prefer to ignore me.

I have a personal support worker assigned to me and she is a lovely lady who really cares. We have a coffee once a week and a telephone check in once a week. Another ray of sunshine is an older lady I befriended. She is beyond kind. I try to find local mental health groups to attend. Sometimes my fear and shame get in my way to be out in the public to get outside more often.

I am financially unable to drive, however I use the public transit to get to my doctor and other appointments. I am grateful I can physically use public transit to get around.

Kicking and screaming, I don't want this mental illness, the poverty, stigma and sadness. I don't wish this upon anyone.
Please share your challenges if you are comfortable. Thank you for your support.
Posted 4/11/2017 2:56 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Kiwibear,

Yes, some people have a different thinking and believe that mental health is mind over matter as you said. My mother did not know that I attended counselling for sometime. She is not a believer in therapist. She thinks it is a waste of money. So, when I started, I did not tell her. Actually, I have never told her. My big sister and about two of my co-workers knew.

I am sorry about your mom. Condolences...
I am glad that you have some friends and your support worker. It sounds like they are nice and helpful.

Coping with these illnesses can be tough, especially when we experience the different feelings.

HW helped me a lot before I started counselling. I was afraid to get counselling at first, but eventually I went. It also took me a while before I was able to open up to my therapist.

I suffer from depression and chronic pain. I also got another diagnosis recently which has be back and forth by the doctors. Depression sucks and also hold me back from living each day full. Sometimes I would feel full of energy and ready to take on everyday. Then, all of a sudden, I feel like staying under the covers in bed. This is when the depression hit. I think that is one of the major challenges. Not wanting to do anything because of feeling so awful.
But, I know that I have to fight and push forward in order to get through this.

I hope you are doing okay today. Check in when you can.

UA
Posted 4/12/2017 3:12 AM (GMT 0)
A big hello UN, from Kiwibear.
Your sister and a couple co-workers appear to be a supportive piece for you. Physical diseases like cancer is internationaly accepted and recieves public support through fund raisers etc. Conversely, the public only want to run away from persona with mental health diseases and forget the popular fund raisers. Mental health is looked upon like homosexuality and AIDS were twentyfive years ago.

I don't blame you for not telling your mother. Sad but true, if disclosed to her I can guess your vulnerabilty would be dismissed. At this time it doesnt sound safe to disclose to your mum yet.

When we need our family the most it breaks my heart and hope.

I can't fathom having both chronic physical pain and chronic mental pain. How do you get through each day? And who do you reach out to when you can't stand the misery?

Thank you UN - This gal is routing for you.
Posted 4/12/2017 4:16 AM (GMT 0)
we care and understand. i too am a survivor, from a step situation. (father) healing will come your way. you are in that process, and we send candles of healing your way. ht.
Posted 4/12/2017 12:47 PM (GMT 0)
I agree Kiwibear. Awareness is not as recognized as much as other sickness.

I work full-time and I am also a part-time student, so it distracts me. But sometimes, it is also hard to get work done when you feel this way. I have deadlines for school assignments so even if I don't feel like completing assignments, I have to push forward.

Mindfulness helps me as well as distraction techniques like watching movies, listening to music, etc. Deep breathing and journaling are also helpful techniques.

UA
Posted 4/12/2017 1:58 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for the acknowledgement and sharing of your traumatic abuse situation. It exacerbated my bipolar, delayed my development, and plainly posioned my mind. Even with intense therapy, all it seemed to do was to take the wind out of sails but I am still sitting in the boat. It hasn't gone away. Your sweet to send lit candles for me, thank you.
Posted 4/12/2017 2:07 PM (GMT 0)
Good day UN,
I admire you and envious that you work fulltime, go to school parttime and yet struggle with your illnesses. I am a mess, and living in poverty. I have cognotive and learning difficulties and these have always kept me at bay from exceling. I look up to you and I am sure this hard journey will pay off for you. Please take care.
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