When is it time to call it quits with Bipolar wife?

First let me say that I love my wife with all of my heart and I vowed to myself that I would never get a divorce so that fact that I'm even considering it now is a bit terrifying. We got married young and had a child even younger. She's had some traumatic events that she's never dealt with, some from her childhood, some from when we first got married (death of her father).

It's always been a constant battle throughout our marriage and one that often left me confused because the reality of what she was experiencing was not what I was experiencing at all. I've been through suicide attempts, an affair (I'm almost certain there's been more than one but she lied about the first one for 8 years so how would I know), physical violence, fear of violence while I'm laying there pretending to be asleep, etc.

I would always forgive and forget but were 15 years later and I'm stuck in another, "she's unloved, she's unhappy, I don't pay attention, she wants to divorce cycle." These come completely out of the left field every time, and the insinuation that I don't love her is frankly insulting to me because of the fact that I'm still even here trying to get us through this together.

When it's good we go on dates, tell each other we love one another regularly, have fun, do things together but then in almost an instant she'll be distant, drinking more, staying out all night, and I'm the reason for all of it.

We've recently just moved into our newly built house and I had to leave to come stay with family in another state because one of us had to go... I can't function if she's out all night or I don't know what she's doing and I'll literally unravel so I figured leaving her with the kids would give her some sort of stability (and it has). She loves them very much and is a great mom (when she's not manic or too drunk.) If I'm gone she's much more responsible and I have never feared for my kids safety.

That begs the question... AM I the problem? Could she find someone else that would be able to help her to stay stable? If so, that would make my decision easier because I want her to have the life that she claims she needs but isn't getting from me. I honestly don't see how any new person would jump into a relationship like that especially now that we're in our mid 30s. Maybe I'm wrong... but the cycle continues and here we are again with her figuring out if she can be in this anymore.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, from both a BiPolar perspective and spouse or ex spouse of a Bipolar inflicted individual. Thanks everyone.

I'll tell you what one of my uncles did to his bipolar wife. She hasn't fully recovered yet, but their marriage is going stronger than ever before (given the fact that they too were on the brink of a divorce).

My uncle left his high-paying job to be with his wife 24x7. Fortunately, he had enough savings to support his family. He arranged for a visit to the doctor and got his and aunt's body checkup done, which included a consultation with psychologist. My aunt wouldn't trust his husband, so it was important that the fact that she was suffering from bipolar disorder be confirmed by a doctor. My uncle placed his faith on the doctor and assured aunt that everything will be alright. That had a huge impact on her - she saw a confidant in him. They got the treatment done and she is now recovering from that phase. But this took a good year and a half.

The key, I would say, is to earn her trust, visit the doctor, support her, make her realize that you deeply care for her and get the treatment done.

Wishing you luck.

Thanks for the replies everyone! She is using meds but has never stopped using alcohol which makes it so that they never really work as well as they can. Once an episode comes around she increases her use of alcohol, starts to pull away, stay out all night, etc.

I've told her that if I'm going to be in the relationship and try to work on this there can be 100% no alcohol involved. I think she should go to rehab or at the very least attend AA meetings but she doesn't think that's necessary. We keep ending up in the same cycle perpetually and I KNOW that it's because of the alcohol but she is very adamant that she uses alcohol because of the underlying issues in our relationship.

I maintain that we've never actually given our relationship a fair shot because alcohol has been there in our marriage destroying our progress literally every step of the way. She is going to see a therapist now and hopefully they'll reiterate what her therapists have told her in the past... maybe she'll listen this time.

Doubtful though. If we (she) decides to work through this I'll attend counseling with her and by myself and probably get some therapy for my two children as well (12 and 7). If we split I don't think I'll be needing it because once I'm out I feel like I'll be standing on solid ground again.

Have you tried talking to her and being honest about how it affect you and the kids? Let her know that if she doesn't receive help of some kind then you know they will suffer further, so it’s important. Sometimes people who are struggling may well be scared and they will need help overcoming their anxieties and resistance towards getting help.

Does she have any family members or friends who know this can you all can have an intervention?

If she is not willing to accept help, there is not much anyone can do. She has to realize what using alcohol is doing to her and her family, and she must be willing to seek help. If not, there is not much you or anyone can do for her until she is ready to accept help.

UA

This has so many side streets and subdivisions I can hardly keep up with it all.

It also reminds me too much of my marriage to really want to get into, knowing there's no way out.

In your case, there is a way out, you can leave. I was in an emotional (bipolar) and financial (couldn't hold a job) bind that didn't lend itself to walking out and into a $500 a month rental situation, so I felt like I was nailed to the wall. I took it for 34 years.

You seem to be able to make it on your own, so you do have a choice, it 's just that you're choosing to stay in a horrible situation. So never forget whose choice this is.

You say, "She's had some traumatic events that she's never dealt with, some from her childhood, some from when we first got married (death of her father)."

My wife had childhood (sexual) trauma also, and couldn't control her libido from there on out, and cheated outrageously.

You said, "I've been through suicide attempts, an affair (I'm almost certain there's been more than one but she lied about the first one for 8 years so how would I know), physical violence, fear of violence while I'm laying there pretending to be asleep, etc.

You said, "I can't function if she's out all night or I don't know what she's doing and I'll literally unravel so I figured leaving her with the kids (you said, 12 and 7) would give her some sort of stability (and it has). She loves them very much and is a great mom (when she's not manic or too drunk.)"

So, it sounds like out spouses were identical.

What's also identical is our responses to that behavior, or as you said, "I would always forgive and forget but were 15 years later and I'm stuck in another, "she's unloved, she's unhappy, I don't pay attention, she wants to divorce cycle."

We're similar in that, they are aggressive and we are passive. They are sadistic, and we are masochistic.

So we match up real great with abusive females. One of the things which kept me coming back for more abuse was that as bad as the abuse was, it was better than being alone.

With all she's done, you ask, "That begs the question... AM I the problem" which shows you've got it bad, as I did.

They are very convincing, whether saying they haven't been out all night having sex, or that we are the problem, they are very convincing, and we are very gullible.

There are just as many reasons for staying (the kids, the house, etc.) as there are for leaving, so it's a situation that may never get solved. My wife died 8 years ago of a long illness and I can't believe she's not railing at me right now.

You say, "I'm afraid the outcome will be that I will likely, once again, become the "father figure" that is controlling her life. Instead of a partner who is supportive." And, "necessary. We keep ending up in the same cycle perpetually and I KNOW that it's because of the alcohol but she is very adamant that she uses alcohol because of the underlying issues in our relationship."

You said, "When it's good we go on dates, tell each other we love one another regularly, have fun, do things together but then in almost an instant she'll be distant, drinking more, staying out all night, and I'm the reason for all of it."

The childhood trauma I've read could have led her ego to divide, keeping the trauma on one side and her self at that age on the other, as she fights to handle that difficult situation.

So the fact that she can be verbally and physically abusive, and a short time later be loving and going out on dates with you, is no surprise.

Also the fact that she sees you as a father figure, shows she's still a little girl, and it also allows her to explain her behavior to you and to herself, for you are her father, and her boyfriends are her boyfriends.

You said, "I'm in the process of really talking to her about this now. Previously, I would drink with her to either try and preserve her want for a normal social life... or in more severe detrimental cases, to consume half of the alcohol so she couldn't drink it all."

The fact that you have had some drinks when she was drinking, shows you are willing to take the pain for her ills. It could lead to your becoming an alcoholic, cause I've heard of that.

When my son at 13 walked into one of our arguments (I had protected him from that since he was 3), the cat was out of the bag, and I couldn't stop when he asked what the problem was, I was caught in the middle. Do I keep protecting her and hurting myself, or do I tell the truth and hurt him?

I knew in a way it didn't matter, it would be the same amount of her, his or mine.

I told myself, I don't want to start drinking or have heart problems from internalizing her problems into myself, and protecting our child, so I'm just going to tell the truth, and said, "She tried to have an affair."

Well, as predicted, it destroyed him. He, in turn, basically destroyed me. So, that pain bounces around like a pinball, and everybody is affected. As in, matter is neither created nor destroyed. Once pain starts, it doesn't go away. It just goes from person to person.

You're in it now. You're like me, you write extensively about this. Emotionally, we're going 100 mph, but we're not moving an inch towards the door.

Five years from now, you'll be writing the same thing.

@TimTam, thank you so much for the amazing and heartfelt post. I appreciate it more than I can convey.

Her big plan is for me to move out of our new home (living in for 6 weeks and focused a year and a half on building), pay for two places, and attend counseling every week (basically paying for 3 separate counselors, a private one for her, a private one for me, and a marriage counselor for both of us). I've set up the counseling sessions already as that is paramount to her wellbeing and I just put the ball in her court on finding me a place to live. If this goes the way I think it will she won't ever get around to it... we've been waiting on her to order a coffee maker for 2 months and that's something that takes 5 mins and requires no talking or communicating. I'm still with my family and she seems to be headed out of the manic cycle and into a hard depression, and as much as that's probably a worse feeling for her (I'm assuming), I'm a bit relieved that the emotionally terrifying part is over for me.

I'm really looking forward to speaking with the counselor because I've told him that the primary reason for me being there is to help me to determine when enough is really enough. Like TimTam, I don't seem to have the ability to ever do it on my own. It doesn't help that I'm torn spiritually as to whether thats' even the right decision... and so the cycle continues.

@Lynnwood, I will look into that. Thanks so much!

Thank you for your nice comments.

I'm having a hard time keeping up. The solution to a martial problem is to have two houses and three counselors? That does sound like a bipolar's solution to a problem. What is that, the inmates running the asylum?

First you have a house. Now you have a new house. Now one person is going to live in the new house, and the other person is gong to live in another house.

I feel like I need a road map to find out where this situation is.

I can tell you a little bit about moving out. On Saturdays sometimes, my wife used to tell me, and in a very excited, demanding voice, "You need to go visit some people for awhile so I can clean up the house. I need to be moving from room and room and you won't be able to get anything done anyway!"

I mentioned I was gullible, right? OK, it was decades later, after she had passed away from a long illness and I was allowed, and allowed myself, to think and figure out things on my own without their being any consequences, that I looked at that more closely.

Let's how, if she wanted to have an affair on Saturdays, rather than just after work Monday-Friday, how in the world could she have possibly done that? Well, how about, RUN ME OUT OF THE HOUSE?!?

Which is what she did some Saturdays. So, how did that help her have an affair on any given Saturday? Well, if I'm there, I see her leave at noon, and come back at 4. But, if I'm not in the house, I don't see her leave or come back, and she has no explaining to do.

Because I don't get back to the house until 4:30 or 5, and I never knew she had gone.

Which brings us back to you. Your wife somehow talks you out of leaving your own new house. How stupid. I love it. So she can do what? Have affairs 24 hours a day, and you will be none the wiser.

OK, we figured that one out. Also, what about the kids, are they staying with her? Why are you even saying you will move out? Moving away from her is one thing, but agreeing to move away from your kids is not in the same category.

I'm stupid, but no way am I leaving my kid. If she talks you out of being with your kids, no counseling is going to help you.

She's getting you out of there so she can commit more marital infractions. If that's marital therapy, your marriage is like mine was, beyond hope.

You said, "If this goes the way I think it will she won't ever get around to it... we've been waiting on her to order a coffee maker for 2 months and that's something that takes 5 mins and requires no talking or communicating"

That may be a pie in the sky idea of hers, but it's so far out, I don't think you should give even a small level of agreement to that.

My wife wanted me to leave our house permanently so she could have affairs 24 hours a day, and she could get our kid and the house we were paying for.

She thought that was a great idea, except when I m immediately turned it around and said, "Why don't you move out?" And she thought that was the worst idea she had ever heard.

So I think you at some point have to stand up, and that point is the kids and your house.

So all these counseling sessions will be a waste, in my view. My wife and I went to a couple of counseling sessions. On the second one, she wanted to have sex with the counselor, and openly fantasized about him for about a week while we were having sex. Out of his office, of course.

So, I can't say the counseling was a total waste. The first session was a waste, because that counselor wasn't so good looking, but the second session paid dividends. At least for her. She wanted to go back. Alone. Did I tell you he had a couch? And fluffy pillows. And a wet bar. I just didn't trust that guy. Or her.

So, so much for marital counseling. And if she's suggesting going to marriage counseling with separate counselors, I've heard a lot of stories before, but I've never heard that one.

So the question is, she's bipolar, is she on medicine? You said she was, but as an alcoholic, she first takes her pill, and then she takes a drink. OK, right. What's wrong with this solution?

Right when we think we're making great strides in mental health, out comes the Jack Daniels.

I can understand why you're building a new house for this woman. Is it three stories? Automatic garage doors? On a golf course? Indoor plumbing.

I can't give you too difficult of a time, or any advice, for I lived in that same situation for 37 years. Except for the house.

Has she had any treatment other than counseling? Is she on any medication? It sounds like she desperately needs it!! I know I need mine.

My bf dumps out my alcohol. I will buy it but he dumps it out before I get a chance to drink it. And he flat out told me, NO you will not drink when you are upset, I will not let you go down that hill. Same with smoking. I can't hide my cigs, he finds them and throws them away. Now I just don't even feel like wasting the money for just one cig.
We are kind of in a different situation. We live together, but with my dad. Neither one of us can afford to move out, so we are stuck together. But I am fortunate enough to see that its because he loves me and does not want me to self destruct. I don't see your wife being able to understand that. I am glad you guys are getting counseling. It should help. But I would see if she can get a psychiatrist. Medication literally has saved me! I went from being hypersexual/cheating to no sex drive (ok bad thing but it did get rid of any urge to cheat). I actually feel normal though, I don't want anyone but my bf. But medication really changed me and helped me get my bipolar under control. Without it, I would not be in a relationship, my bf would not put up with it.
I am glad you are doing your best to be with her, but honestly if she does not want to change, then she probably will not and there is nothing you can do for her. I really hope that is not the case, I hope you can get her some help.

Hi Ghostcat- I’m sorry you are going through all of this. I would keep an eye on the kids while they are with
Your wife. You can set up little cameras to observe her actions when she could be under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol while watching the kids.
This is so hard for all involved. You may need this info for parental custody in the future.

Best wishes,