Please Help - DH Newly Dx - Son ADHD

I'm so confused right now. DH has, I suppose, been depressed for perhaps years. He is not very sociable in some cases, but is normally quite happy around friends.

I guess it started probably 10 years ago or so. I was pregnant and believed he was going to marry me prior to the baby, so when he didn't ask, I did and he flat said "no". We would get into fights and they ended with him cursing at me, getting in my face, calling me names, and telling me to "bleep" off. Of course like most women, I'd be in tears by that point. It scared me but when I told him this he told me I shouldn't be with him if he scared me. He has never physically hurt me. His words/look/actions would be so cold though. Like he was a different person and I had no idea who! I swear he hated me when he would say such mean things! I felt it was my fault.

Nine years ago, when our child was 2, DH suddenly bought a house! I had absolutely ZERO notice about it. It was something I'll never forget. It was so sudden! He was, thankfully, able to get out of the contract due to an issue with the house, and came back home. Again, I swore to change... and I honestly tried. He promised never to do that again (buy a house) in that way.

Sadly, the next year brought him leaving us again. This time rented an apartment. I was devastated. Again I tried my best to win my husband back. I truly love this man. I became extremely ill and after it was clear I needed help to get through my own medical illness, my husband came back home. It wasn't until the following year that we were married. I tried my best to be a better wife. I didn't talk about him to anyone, because our personal problems were personal and he wanted them to stay that way. I would never want to have people think less of him truly.

A couple years later, he left again, this time staying with a friend. We talked through things and he came back again. That leads to the present.

He hasn't felt well for some time, and recently began therapy. I thought it was for depression, but when he told me he had several hours a day, every day, in therapy, I was in shock. I had never heard of such a thing. A couple days after therapy began, he told me he didn't feel he could come home. This hit me hard but I figured it was just the counseling or whatever. I never imagined he wasn't coming home because of me this time, so I supported him the best I could. He told me he'd been diagnosed with manic depression (bipolar) with depression (perhaps that's the cycle he's in currently?). After a few days, my stomach began having a ball of anxiety in it... a feeling that he wasn't coming home at all. Finally met with his therapist and he basically said he wanted a divorce. I was beyond sad, in shock and upset. He had medical issues prior to this, but I had no idea this was happening... that he felt our marriage was perhaps beyond fixing... because just a few months back he had said he couldn't be happier.

Our son is upset and believes dad will come back. He's ADHD and from what his doc said, now faces a 40% chance of turning to BP by age 12. DH now is communicating better than he ever has with me (therapy/meds are working.. THIS is the man I fell in love with), and not even 48 hours after being so upset saying the "D" word, now says there is definitely reason for hope in our marriage, which is what I want and gives me hope.

I'm just looking for support. What can I do to ease the past hurts that are haunting him? The things that have happened in our past... things that I wish I could go back and change, but can't? It is so painful knowing there have been things that hurt him, some of which I could have changed and some that I had no control over. Meanwhile, I have no idea where he's staying this time (not that I did last time really either). He's never had high high's. He's never spent hundreds of dollars, but I suppose if I think about it, there have been many things that just randomly he's decided to do or places he's gone that I supported, again because I wanted to be a good wife to him. He hasn't wanted to do much with us in recent times, I mean, movies and such but often just has been too tired or not well... he has legit health issues too so I didn't make a fuss over it but rather would encourage him to do what he enjoyed. However, his enjoyment would take him away from us more, which saddened me but I thought "at least I'm doing what I'm supposed to and my husband is happy.. or at least happier". Now to learn he's not is just heartbreaking! I'm so devastated atm. I fully believe he will come back and yes, I love him dearly. Marriage vows are very dear to me and I believe they are to be adhered to... that's my belief. I know I'm not alone... I've read other accounts but they're different from what I've experienced. I'm afraid I know very little about this particular disorder, how to make a marriage work, and how to stay strong throughout what may come again, yet be supportive of my husband.

To date, I have never been able to get him to consider counseling. It wasn't until this recent health issue with blood pressure, and the fact he broke down in front of our doctor, that he agreed to get help for whatever was happening. I know it takes two to make a relationship work, but it's not always 50/50. There have been times in my life where he has had to pick up and take almost 100% when I battled cancer myself. But then, I didn't push him away during it either, nor have I ever pushed him away. It's hard to understand when a spouse seems to be pushing you away, especially when you're geared toward "understanding", "communicating", and "fixing" it.

I am trying to remain positive. Positive distraction techniques... please explain. Like fishing? I love fishing. And what is "mindfulness"? I've heard it used, and I think my husband is learning so many positive things... like fair fighting rules, for instance. I tried to explain many of these things to him in the past but was not met with positive results. Now someone else telling him many of the same things IS working. But mindfulness is perhaps a technique that would be beneficial to me.

I pray... a lot. I am opening up to a few people at my church so they can pray for the situation and our family. I cry. I write. I pray again, pleading for answers (of course, all the while trying to convince God how to do His job more effectively, which is likely not productive). I have faith.

I suppose all of us, regardless of whether it's the person suffering the illness or those of us trying to understand it, would love to have that "magic wand". Thus far, I haven't found a big enough band aid to heal the hurt my husband feels. I can only pray for healing from the inside out. I can only pray that the therapy he has started was not started too late to help our relationship, and that he finds the strength through healing to heal us and to fight for it. I am confused because most of what I read is that the bipolar spouse fleas only to come back very apologetically and that cycle usually continues. Mine has never really done that, so I still wonder if there is a misdiagnosis somewhere.

@TimTam (I knew another by that name in a cancer forum... was it you?)

Yes, I love him. In spite of everything, I love him (God help me).

So why haven't I left? Because I want to do what's right according to what I feel in my core (from my vows as a wife). Because I swore I would do everything in my power to hold my family together for the child who needs us. I was abandoned by a parent as a child. My husband was abandoned by the opposite parent as a child. So both of us came from that kind of background. I'm older than my husband... and I've had cancer which has left me "feeling" like I don't have as much to offer (that and age). But my main reason for not leaving is I actually love him and want more than anything to help him and be with him... even if I didn't sign up for "this" (bipolar illness)... it's "for better, for worse... in sickness and in health".

What really tears me apart is the hurt our child is feeling. He does not, or cannot, see it. I have read SO much in the last week that I feel it's more the fact that (correct me if I'm wrong), but the mind of someone suffering from this illness truly can't grasp things the same way others do. It doesn't make it hurt any less, and I know I can't explain this to our child. Our child still believes "Dad is going to come home... he's going to come back". And he may be right, or maybe this time he won't.

Here's what happened this weekend. I'm prefacing to let you know my husband has been in a partial hospitalization program the last almost two weeks. That is to say, every day, six days a week, for several hours, he's supposed to be in therapy. As for meds, I know he's on Buspar, seroquel, and a couple of other things, one of which is for high bp. Friday was our meeting with therapist (he wanted a divorce). Saturday he gave me hope. Sunday he went out of town... forgot to take his seroquel... skipped it that evening because he stayed out of town. I'm assuming he took his other meds. He said he did. Monday (Memorial Day), he skipped therapy. He didn't agree they should have it on a holiday.
He didn't feel good but came to visit, still upbeat, joking, legit had fun with us, explained his treatment and how he had always fought "wrong" (there are rules to fighting fair). Took his seroquel that evening. Tuesday he went to therapy (late... he can't get up on time) and got bad news that his treatment was extended (the intensive treatment). He didn't feel well and apologetically didn't come visit (had told our child he would... what a let down... but I explained it best I could). ....

And then that leads us to today. Today, I thought he'd gone to therapy. He got up late again. He came to visit. He had NOT gone to therapy. He was clearly agitated and had a headache. Saw many body signs of agitation... movements ... our child was upsetting him and he got onto him a few times... eyes looked irritated, not happy. It wasn't as fun... at all. Seemed very strained. Before he left, I asked him how things were... trying to gauge when/if he might come home soon. There was no positive words from him. Actually he said he felt he was being "backed into a corner" and refused to answer. His eyes looked as though he almost hated me and I could feel a silent rage under the skin. One movement was almost clenching his fist... as though to let the agitated state release from his hand as he opened it (does that even make sense?). It was 180 different from not even 48 hours prior!

So what is that? depressive cycle or hypomanic? What triggered it? Meds? Headache? His blood pressure is still not controlled apparently according to him. Talk about super upsetting... and then our poor child looks at me with doubt on his face that replaced the certain child that "dad is going to come home". I could see it in his eyes! That hurts more than anything else!

All I could do was explain to our child that the way his dad had acted was not "dad", but the illness. That's all I can try to explain. It kills me. It's hurting our child. And my husband has to see it somewhat, right? I tried to tell him this was hurting our son by him being away. It's not about me... I'm an adult... but our child...

So from a bipolar perspective, what can I do? Just let him go for now? Just try to be supportive without pressuring? Will he come back around and realize the anger he's feeling is the illness, and is this rapid cycling or what... brought on by missing a dose of seroquel maybe?

I'm trying to find groups. I'm reaching out the best I can. My own counselor had an emergency and didn't show up for our sessions yesterday, so that kind of left me hanging (for real).

I was not on the forum that you mentioned.

So you’re staying because of the vows and your feelings. I stayed because of the finances and the child, but when the child grew up, I stayed because of the house we were buying together and the finances and because I had difficult time holding a job, and didn’t know how I would do on my own because of the bipolar.

I can tell you it was rough. And that way I can tell you what it’s going to be like you’re in your situation: it’s going to be rough.

Of course, leaving is going to be rough, also. And it’s going to be rough on the child.

Speaking of that, when our child was 13, he heard us arguing for the first time (it had been going on since he was 3). He came into the lviing room and asked us what we were aruging about, trying to put on a good front, but I could tell he was just about to crumble inside.

I was already into the argument, so I told him that she had been trying to cheat. I stood there and watched our child crumble. For ten years I had been able to hide the situation from him, and I could do that no longer.

It all came apart in five seconds. He never was the same after that. Our relationship disappeared. Just over a year ago, he was still treating me so poorly, that I ended the relationship.

In certain situations, there’s nothing you can do to stop something like that.

You said you and your husband had come from broken homes. You said this situation was hurting your child, and that you could see the pain that he had.

That’s the pain that I saw in our child. And with your husband’s non–caring attitude, there is nothing you can do about the hurt that your child feels from that.

You said, “I'm older than my husband... and I've had cancer which has left me "feeling" like I don't have as much to offer (that and age).” Your husband appears to be picking up on that and your attitude and his may be adding to the problem, in that he feels he has a right to walk all over you, which may be encouraging him to do so.

You said about the child, “It doesn't make it hurt any less (your husband’s illness causing this), and I know I can't explain this to our child. Our child still believes "Dad is going to come home... he's going to come back. And he may be right, or maybe this time he won't."

Yeah, that would be pretty rough, and to have to witness that as a parent. It was kinda like with our child at 13, when he realized his mother loved sex outside of marriage more than she loved him, our child.

So after that, instead of the child’s being hurt, you just sit back and watch him hurt others, including himself and the parents.

You said, “I have read SO much in the last week that I feel it's more the fact that (correct me if I'm wrong), but the mind of someone suffering from this illness truly can't grasp things the same way others do.”

I think it’s also what you believe before your illness kicks in. I like kids, so I liked kids after I got bipolar, and the opposite happens if you don't like kids. You still don't like them with the bipolar.

Another factor how we behave is the medicine. On the right meds, our attitude can be a lot better. You mentioned a couple of things, that your husband was angry, irritable, etc. That to me could be that he’s on the wrong medicines.

As I mentioned, I’m on Lithium for the mania part of my bipolar, and on Mirtazapine anti-depressant for the depression part of my bipolar. If I was only on an anti-depressant, I would be thrown into mania and panic attacks, as I have been before by psychiatrists who diagnosed me only as depressed.

Without the Lithium to calm me down from the anti-depressant, I’m in trouble. So, that’s why I’m wondering about the medicines your husband is taking.

You said he was taking: 1. Buspar and 2. Seroquel 3. and a couple of other things, one of which is for high bp.

Drugs.com says BuSpar is an anti-anxiety medicine and is used to treat symptoms of anxiety, such as fear, tension, irritability, dizziness, pounding heartbeat, and other physical symptoms.

"Irritability" was one of the possible side effects. Is he more irritable now once he started the med?

The website says “Seroquel is an antipsychotic medicine used to treat schizophrenia and bipolar disorder (manic depression).

“Seroquel is also used together with antidepressant medications to treat major depressive disorder in adults.”

The website also says, “To make sure Seroquel is safe for you, tell your doctor if you have: high or low blood pressure” (and other conditions).

Since your husband has high blood pressure, as I do, he might want to tell his doctor about this. You might want to check, also, to see if his readings have gone up since he started taking Seroquel.

As for possible side effects, one is depression, says the website, and web.md says “mood or behavior changes” is possible.

Headache, which you said your husband had, is a possible side effect of Seroquel, said rxlist.com.

So we have an anti-anxiety, and an anti-psychotic that is used to bipolar. I took an anti-psychotic for years (Stelizine), by itself, no anti-depressant, and I didn’t do well on it, but I’ve heard that type of medicine is better now.

However, the above website said, "Seroquel is also used together with antidepressant medications to treat major depressive disorder in adults.”

So the question is, is your husband taking an anti-depressant along with the Seroquel?

You said, “He didn't feel good but came to visit, still upbeat, joking, legit had fun with us.”
And, “Tuesday he went to therapy (late... he can't get up on time)”

That can’t get out of bed could be because of the medicine, I know, because my meds were reduced recently and I could get up earlier.

“He didn’t feel well.“ Is he taking an anti-depressant?

You said, “He was clearly agitated and had a headache. Saw many body signs of agitation... movements ... our child was upsetting him and he got onto him a few times... eyes looked irritated, not happy. It wasn't as fun... at all.”

The medicine I was put on for the mania part of my bipolar, was Lithium. It was a miracle med. I wished I had been on it 20 years earlier. Within an hour after I took the first pill, I felt the air had been let out of an overtight balloon.

So, for you to describe your husband as: “He was clearly agitated and had a headache. Saw many body signs of agitation... movements ... our child was upsetting him and he got onto him a few times... eyes looked irritated, not happy. It wasn't as fun... at all.”

…is a shocker. That is the opposite of what he should be feeling.

Also, as noted above, headache, which is a possible side effect of Seroquel, said rxlist.com.

You also said, “Seemed very strained. Before he left, I asked him how things were... trying to gauge when/if he might come home soon. There was no positive words from him. Actually he said he felt he was being "backed into a corner" and refused to answer.”

Again, Lithium made me feel the opposite, in that, I could handle stress better. It looks like the med is not helping with or is adding to the stress.

And as noted above, irritability is a possible side effect of BuSpar.

These meds are supposed to make him more relaxed, less under stress and happier. Not “clearly agitated” He should leap at the chance to be around you and your child, not feeling like he was being “backed into a corner" when you’re trying to see if he might be back soon.

What is the other med he is taking? His Seroquel may be making his b/p med not work well.

You said, “His eyes looked as though he almost hated me and I could feel a silent rage under the skin.
One movement was almost clenching his fist... as though to let the agitated state release from his hand as he opened it (does that even make sense?). It was 180 different from not even 48 hours prior!”

And “So what is that? depressive cycle or hypomanic? What triggered it? Meds? Headache? His blood pressure is still not controlled apparently according to him.”

His meds aren’t working. In my view. If I’m feeling like that, my psychiatrist would put me on different meds, or raise or lower the dosages.

“Talk about super upsetting... and then our poor child looks at me with doubt on his face that replaced the certain child that "dad is going to come home". I could see it in his eyes! That hurts more than anything else!

That’s your barometer right there as to whether the meds are working.

Post Edited (Tim Tam) : 5/31/2018 1:20:44 PM (GMT-6)

It’s interesting that he was harping on your not telling him that his counselor had called you about his not going to any more therapy sessions.

As in, where does he get off getting onto you about anything when he doesn’t even have the common decency to stay with his own child?

Where does he get off talking to you like that when you’re your child’s only parent who has what it takes to stay with their child, while he’s three worlds away from reality.

Ask him what La La land he’s in now, what world’s is he’s out to conquer when he doesn’t even have it together enough to make it to his next counseling session. What a joke.

Tell him you can’t fix stupid.

OK, where were we? OK, Lexipro. Anti-depressant, I think the net said.

So, I guess they’re on reset with all of his meds, or they will keep him on the same ones that kept him in La La land.

You said, “Today, I'm left again with hope. He won't be here this weekend again. He's going to some kind of a weekend concert (I apologize I cannot remember what that kind of thing is called). I can't really get too involved with his medical care.”

Is it a musical concert?

And, “I just don't think he knows the pain it's causing our child or me because if he did, he would come home”

Yeah, I do, too.

Why do you and him meet but you can't meet with the child?

You say, "I wish I could simply make him forget all of the hurt he's feeling."

What is it that has hurt him?

"He is extremely difficult to open up to people. He's not trusting."

What was his life like growing up?

You said, "But in recent times, if you were to have asked me how stable our marriage was, I would have said I felt it was rock solid. We'd been through the valley and come out on the other side. That's why "this" has shattered me to my core. I was blindsided. It came from seemingly no where."

What is the "this" that has shattered you to your core? Is it his treatment of the child? How long has he been treating the child poorly? How was he treated as a child?

Where are his parents? Does he see them very often? Where are your parents? How were you raised?

What is it that you like about him?

Why did you two quit talking?