HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Am I enabling someone's Bipolar issues?

Support Forums
>
Bipolar Disorder
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 11/25/2018 6:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi. I'm currently in an on again and off again relationship going on for 15 years now with a woman who has BPD and I need some insight and advice on some things. I'm having trouble knowing if I'm enabling something or if I'm doing the right thing by letting it go and being understanding because it's something that can't be controlled by the BPD sufferer.

The specific issue that I'm mainly concerned about is that she disappears for a week or weeks at a time with no contact at all and no warning that she's going to disappear. We don't live together and I work so I don't always have the luxury to see her in person during most weeks but I always believed that we should at least keep in touch on the phone and texts. I figure a message or two every 3 or 4 days isn't unreasonable and gives her some space. But disappearing for over a week or weeks is unreasonable to me for people who are supposed to be in a relationship. I've read that disappearing acts are a thing among some BPD sufferers so I've always tried to be patient about it.

But I've been having doubts because there's always a different excuse for her disappearing acts. Sometimes she'll say that she was just really sick for a week/weeks and didn't have the energy to send me a text letting me know what's going on. Sometimes she'll say that she simply lost track of time because of a depression episode. Sometimes it's because her internet and phone service were out. A couple of times it's because she did actually text but forgot to hit the button to send it. It's that last excuse which really makes me wonder.

I realize that there's a big possibility that I'm being lied to and manipulated. But I also realize that she might be lying not because she's doing something behind my back like cheating but because it's just easier to lie to me rather than having to explain something that the BPD is doing to her. Is this something that can be controlled or at least managed? Am I enabling it and should I push her to do better? While I do try to be understanding for the most part, she also knows that I absolutely hate it that she disappears like that yet it keeps happening over and over again with a different excuse. How should I approach this situation?

Thanks in advance.

Post Edited (PerpetualMachine) : 11/25/2018 11:23:44 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 11/25/2018 11:52 PM (GMT 0)
Hello & welcome to Healing Well. I have little experience with bipolar except what our family has gone through with my niece. It has been like being on a runaway roller coaster.

I don't know that you are enabling her, but I do see that you are questioning the entire situation. You are correct, she may be manipulating you. It sounds like there is a possibility her medications are not doing their job, or perhaps she isn't taking them as she is suppose to. You cannot push her to do anything, she has to want to do this herself, this is completely out of your control & always will be. There are a lot of unknowns in your situation.

My thoughts are go with your gut feelings. Ask yourself if this is how you want to spend another 15 years living like this. Take care.
Posted 11/26/2018 12:21 AM (GMT 0)
Very difficult situation when someone is not living with you.

She sees this relationship in a different mode probably.

BPD is not an excuse for cheating or abuse.

Let her know ,how you feel and see if she is committed in this relationship or not.

You will get your answer in no time .

Good luck!
Posted 12/6/2018 4:36 AM (GMT 0)
Hi PerpetualMachine,

Nice to meet you and I'm glad you posted. It's way better than doing nothing. I have to agree that she may not be as committed to this relationship as you are or as you'd like her to be. There are medications that can help her manage BPD as long as she takes them and that's a huge issue. So often when someone who's bipolar begins acting abnormal it's often because their medication isn't working or they are not taking it.

You've given her 15 years to build a relationship and she doesn't seem to be returning you the respect you deserve. How do you know she loves you? Maybe it's time to step back and take a break from the relationship. A relationship has to work both ways. You don't just leave for weeks not telling anyone where you are and when you'll be back. Something is very wrong and it probably will be up to you to make the first move but I feel you need to do something. You might suggest to her that she needs more help than you can provide and that she needs to see her medical team and get things straightened out. Put the ball in her court and see what she says or does. If she gets straightened out and comes back then it was worth it. If she doesn't then it still was worth finding out.

Good luck and keep in touch,
Chutz
Posted 1/8/2019 6:52 AM (GMT 0)
It's tricky. I have bipolar...medication, therapy and community is key to successful management. Sadly some enjoy the mania...and hate the stability of meds.

Lies, manipulation and aggression can come apparent if psychosis shows from a hypermanic state. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is a confusing process for the person with the condition as well. Chutz makes good points..as other do yes abuse and cheating are just these.

The bipolar mind can be depressive with mixed mood, rapid cycling manic psychotic and a mix of all of these. Unless managed by the individual wanting well-being and has medication therapy and support then the chaos just continues. Managed...different story...and good outcomes do happen...if it is desired. HT
Posted 1/22/2019 8:46 PM (GMT 0)
You can set boundaries and have standards for what a relationship needs to look like for you, regardless of what the diagnosis of your partner may be. Encouraging her to behave differently might lead to a conversation about how well her bipolar disorder is being managed, but ultimately whether she seeks different treatment in order to fulfill her side of this relationship is up to her. She might not see them as being related, and if she does agree with that and commits to managing her symptoms differently, then it may take time. But you are allowed to talk to her about this, and should! Your needs matter, too.

Sara (Lyme, ME, POTS, HPA axis dysfunction....)

P.S. People often use "BPD" as an abbreviation for borderline personality disorder, which is a different condition. But since you posted on a bipolar disorder forum, I'm assuming you mean bipolar disorder? Just want to make sure. I'd say the same thing about your situation, either way. smile
Posted 1/26/2019 9:27 AM (GMT 0)
Yep, borderline is a different kettle of fish! Something I have recovered from. But that said, I agree totally with discussing your needs, concerns etc. Takes two to tango. HT.
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply