Thanks for the previous responses, getting by, theHTreturns, Tim Tam and many other beloved contributors.
I'm sure you can guess that I posting at 3.58am in Singapore is an indication that all is still not quite well.
To cut the long story short, my Bipolar wife was admitted to IMH hospital(voluntary admission) and stayed there for about
a month. Visited her every day with food and my love. After that, she was discharged and is now on 2 pills of Sodium Valproate (500mg each) and 3 pills of Risperidone and 1 pill of Abilify.
It was trying initially...sometimes, she would secretly spit out the medicine and hoped I wouldn't notice...However nowadays, she's resigned to the fact that she needs to take them, and sometimes gets water and swallows the pills without a reminder from me...
She has been unable to secure a job and even when she did secure one, she left the job after one day. Last week, we went to watch Terminator: Dark Fate together at the cinema and she left the cinema one minute before the movie started to go shopping. Textbook Bipolar 101 for her...I'm not sure about
others. That was $7.50 down the drain. Just yesterday, we went to a café for cheese fries and I bought her caffe latte. After eating about
5-6 fries and drinking 3 sips, she said she wanted to go. I think that meal did not stretch past five minutes...some money gone down the drain too...at least I insisted on finishing my iced chocolate.
I think I'm posting because I need support again...I'm not posting at another forum because of the negative vibes, but I'm back here because I fully remember the positive vibes here...and I guess that's what I need now. : /
I checked my wife's handphone yesterday as I did not want to be taken aback by any future rude shock...she's been messaging this guy again...thankfully, he doesn't really answer her. She said she's thinking about
being remarried and she's confused by all the male attention (when there is none). Her logical thinking and judgment is being greatly impaired. Though she did say she loved him like a friend only. That was heartbreaking...but today, she said she missed me and did not ever want to leave me...and said I should consider looking for someone else if I was unhappy. She looked really melancholic and downcast.
I told her she was the only girl I would ever love for the rest of my life till the day I died. She smiled momentarily.
I know the real her...the real her is being smothered underneath all the Bipolar...the real her would never do anything to jeopardise our relationship. Knowing that and hoping that the real her will return someday, I press on like how Moses wandered in the desert for forty years.
Sometimes, I tell God I can't take it anymore and perhaps it might be better to end my life? But He doesn't end it. So, I press on, hoping to find water and respite some day...
Nowadays, we do not sleep on the same bed. I've noticed that whenever I sleep on the bed with her, she will get up and not sleep anymore for the rest of the day, which makes her overall mood more unstable. Hence, she will take her meds at 11+pm, and sleep till about
5+pm...and then I will sleep from then till mid-afternoon because my work starts late due to its unique nature. I know it's not normal, but it is something that I have to accept, till the real her returns.
Recently, my wife lamented to me that she was angry with me for not giving her a kid...and she did not want to be lonely in her old age. I reminded her that we had agreed not to have one...for the fact that she was not well enough to have a kid and look after one. She claimed that she was of sound mind, but the reverse is true...
Currently, she still whispers to herself...although it is markedly softer...she still makes strange and unsound decisions...sometimes, she will freeze completely and it is as if her soul left and she was in another world.
In spite of all this, she makes sure that my lunch and dinner are all taken care of...God bless her soul. I think it's her way of telling me still loves me...even though she says I've become her best friend and not lover cos we don't 'do it' anymore...
Sometimes, she will hold my hand at the shopping mall...and then suddenly release it...and then hold it...and then release it again...she's trying her best and really struggling and because of that, I cannot give up on her.
It pains me to read of so many marriages that end up in divorce because of Bipolar. I don't want to be a part of this statistic, but no one can predict the future...so I can do is do my best and pray to God...what else can I do?
I feel that one of the myriad reasons why these marriages break up is because the healthy spouse puts himself or herself above the Bipolar spouse's needs and will not accept anything that is deemed sub-standard. Although each and every person can exercise this right, I find it confounding from a moral standpoint.
This is not to criticise or ridicule many people whose marriages have ended up in divorce because of mental illness. Believe me. My first marriage to my wife ended up in divorce (but I subsequently remarried her). My point is not to judge anyone. My point is that as the healthy spouse, I am ready to accept that some or most of my needs may not be met, if ever. I recognise true love, and for true love, I am willing to make this sacrifice, even if it is excruciating. I'm sure others think differently, and I will respect that, even if I don't always agree.
Ah, what a foolish man, some might say. He should have bailed the first chance he had. Why did he even marry her in the first place?
Because my wife(in her normal state) has something that I've never witnessed in many girls. Her humility, kindness and honesty. And she chose to take a risk and love me. So even though the going is very hard, I have to press on...to me, this is the only way. I made a promise before never to leave her, and I never will.
I am not sure what tomorrow brings, but I'd like to think that God makes all things right in the end.
If you have read so much, I thank you for reading my musings...if you are in the same boat as me, you have the choice to exercise any right you want, but I urge you to make it a moral one, even if love has dissipated. It's tempting to take the easy way out, but the course of true love is never smooth. Sometimes, we only find real love once in our life.
So, hang in there till even this option exhausts itself...
Post Edited (Clarkie) : 11/20/2019 1:37:02 PM (GMT-7)