Struggling as a mom

You say: “I guess I’m looking for advice from people who have been through this.”

I’ve been through it. Along with my wife, I raised a child who is now grown and it was close to everything you said.

One reason it was that way was because I was bipolar I (with full mania and depression, while net says bipolar II is depression but only partial mania.)

For my bipolar, I take Lithium to deal with the mania and Mirtazapine for the depression, which has really helped me.

We can be thankful that we have medicines that can improve out condition. My mother’s mother had bipolar during the 1930s, 1940s and early 1950s, but they had no medicine for that and she spent much of her life in a central state mental hospital 100 miles from her home.

Today we have medicine that works and that we can take at home and we don’t have to be at a state hospital with medicine that doesn’t help. We can be very thankful for that.

As a parent, in addition to being bipolar, I was also not the disciplinarian. I was the roll on the floor entertainment center.

I was also unconsciously negative from either bipolar, the negative household I was raised in, or both. I stumbled until a column that said, “If you aren’t positive, you probably aren’t a good problem solver.”

It said, go into a problem thinking you can solve it. I said, next time I have a problem, I’m not going to think about the problem, I’m going to get the positive column down from the bulletin board and read it.

The next problem was, my son comes in and tells me, “The car’s in the backyard and it won’t start.” I think, "I don’t know what to do, how are they going to get a wrecker into our tight driveway backyard? I’ll wait till my wife comes home and she’ll solve the problem.”

Then I remembered the bulletin board column on being positive, that I’m not supposed to worry about the problem first, I’m supposed to read the column on first being positive before trying to solve a problem.

I get the column down and start reading it. By the 4th paragraph, I said, “Johnson's.”

What was Johnson's? It was a small garage near our house that we had used before that had a small wrecker that had once before gotten into our twisting driveway and gotten one of our cars.


How did I solve the problem, and I wasn’t even thinking about it?

The column on being positive had opened my mind to solving the problem, rather than closing it to thinking I couldn’t solve it.

So, believing you can solve your next problem vastly improves the chances that you will.

Or, one problem at a time, and be positive about that problem.

You also say, “Okay my dad is bipolar II and I haven’t been diagnosed because I’m pretty good at compensating and none of my docs have considered it a diagnosis helpful. But inside my head is a cacophony (discord or disharmony) and I’m always on the verge of losing it.”

Since your dad is bipolar, you may be also. My grandmother was, and I was.

You’ve already said, “inside my head is a cacophony (discord or disharmony) and I’m always on the verge of losing it.”

Symptoms of bipolar from mayoclinic.org says, “When you become depressed, you may feel sad or hopeless and lose interest or pleasure in most activities.

“When your mood shifts to mania or hypomania (less extreme than mania), you may feel euphoric, full of energy or unusually irritable. These mood swings can affect sleep, energy, activity, judgment, behavior and the ability to think clearly.”

Do you have that?

You say, “I just don’t have any realistic way to imagine getting better.”

You’ve written in for help so that’s a start.

I think that is very good.

One of the things I would like to say is, when you go in to see the psychiatrist you’ll go in as depressed. He’ll sit there for 15-30 minutes and won’t say anything. He’ll write you out a script for a pill, he may mumble “anti-depressant.”

You’re fixing to waste 15 years of your life being miss-diagnosed, miss-medicated and miserable. It’s just a wild guess. During those 15-30 minutes of being silent, he could have said, “Do you ever have a racing mind?”

He could have thought, “Well, if she’s depressed, she could be manic-depressed, so why don’t I ask her if she’s ever had a racing mind, a sign of mania?” I don’t why they don’t ask that.

So, you might want to go in prepared. You might want to download the signs of bipolar, including the signs of mania. Check off the ones you have and read them off to him. OK. Just a little preparation there.

Also, if you type into the search engine, “Do I have biopolar?” or something like that. You’re looking for a site that can ask you 20 questions and if you answer 15 of them in a certain way it may indicate you have bipolar. Again, take the list to the psychiatrist, one for you and one for him.

See what he thinks and if you think he’s completely off base you can get another doctor.

I have a female psychiatrist so I seem to be better with that. Also, medicine has side affects, but I choose to take the medicine because it helps.

Also, I think the medicine will help, but at times I have to remind myself that I have a major mental illness, bipolar. I don’t think about it a lot of time, but I still have difficulties.

Be myself, I often don’t feel my mental illness. In a social situation, I can. So, what I’m saying is, there can still be difficult times ahead, but I think if we think positive, we will do better, and maybe even give ourselves credit for doing well a lot of the time even though we do have a major mental illness.

I use the positive thinking many times a day. If a container of water spills on the floor, I immediately start the positive thinking, get some rags and clean it up. I can use that process 10 times in an hour, 10 times a project, as I break each part of the project down into one positive step.

You say, “I wish I could give my kids the sense that they are okay as they are. But I don’t believe about myself.”

Well, if you feel positive about yourself, you’ll feel the same way about them and they’ll feel the same away about themselves. And you can tell them directly, “You did a really good job with that.” And “I appreciate your help.” Look for an excuse to praise them.

If you raise them negative they will be negative.

Set up rewards such as popcorn and movie night, or bikes in the park or down a nearby road or in a nearby neighborhood. Use your worry and your positive thinking to think up what might be enjoyable for them five minutes from now, a week from now.

If a bike needs fixing for that, think about fixing it. Maybe an above ground pool for the summer.

You say, My “thing” is constant scanning and diagnosing: what’s wrong, what’s broken, how can I fix it, what can I do, what improvements next, etc. I’m always looking for solutions but at the expense of being okay with things as they are.”

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to make things better. Here’s a saying:

“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”
—John Steinbeck, East of Eden

And “You are your best thing” Beloved, Author: Toni Morrison, 1987

And “Anyone who ever gave you confidence, you owe them a lot.”
Breakfast At Tiffany's Truman Capote, 1958

And, “I know not all that may be coming, but be it what it will, I’ll go to it laughing.”
Moby Dick Author: Herman Melville, Year: 1851
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"Even though the world doesn’t understand you, it needs you. It needs people like you because you give it balance, you give people hope and you remind people that it’s okay to real, soft and vulnerable. You remind people that it’s okay to be a non-perfect human being.
— Rania Naim, To The Ones Who Are Tired Of Apologizing For Their Feelings
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"At the end of the day, you’re entitled to every one of your feelings. Don’t allow anyone to belittle you for your sensitivity. Vulnerability does not make us weak; it makes us human.
— Melissa Kerman, To Anyone Who’s Afraid Of Being Vulnerable

"True strength is knowing that you don't have to be strong every single second of the day."
— Mandy Hale, The Single Woman

"Strength comes from your vulnerability, and being able to step outside of your pride, your protective shell, your fear and say, ‘I need help.’"
— Marisa Donnelly, It’s Okay To Ask For Help, You Know

"It takes true strength to be vulnerable. It takes real strength to open up about the things that make you uncomfortable. It takes real courage to admit you’re having problems and struggling because it’s hard. Hiding your problems and pretending they aren’t eating you alive is the real weakness."
— Becca Martin, You’re Allowed To Have Moments Of Weakness

Thanks folks.

I was given Wellbutrin and lithium carbonate by my doc. He also gave me a referral to physical therapy because I included that I formerly could improve symptoms with running, but not since a running injury.

It took em a few weeks but I got in to see a psychiatry office. I saw a nurse but she was smart. She gave me lamictal instead of lithium to control my irritability and anger feelings.

The physical therapy is covered except for co pay which is cool. They happen to include massage and “dry needling” which is acupuncture but on the muscles rather than meridians.

I’m so glad I got this looked into before coronavirus, and we are all home. Currently the kids are watching tv after a while melt down over practicing piano. My kids are adverse to even slightest discomfort (like playing legos alone or playing a piano song one more time). At least I am able to weather this with a calmer attitude. There is 100% a hormonal cycle where I get worse in the 2 weeks before my period, so we shall see if the medicine keeps me afloat during that time.

Thanks for the help to get another opinion. I fell into the trap that no one would help me and no one would believe me because I can manage my symptoms (through extreeeeme effort). They believed me! They helped!

I think reaching out does help. Einstein said, "You can't solve a problem with the same mind that created it."

You were into circular thinking. I've done that and also didn't know how to reach out for help.

So this website does help. You don't even have to leave your house.

Maybe you can give us a report on how your new medicine is helping.

You are enabling this disrespect fron your children. Are condoning it by inaction.
What ages? No consequences no change. You are the leader of the pack. We all get the disorder....they don't. They will use your inattention and difficulties to create mayhem...esp little buggers of this age. HT

I did. Not a judgement. Just stating the fact. I get the medical stuff..the bi polar the med merry go round and have total compassion for you and kids. Soz...am sensitive when it comes to little ones. I meant no offence. HT

I live with bi polar..i reread my post. It was unlike me. Sorry. Bad day it might have Been.

Lamotrogine...aka lamictal is very good and works even better as a combo...esp an anti dep. It is slow to kick but is a foundation med...stabilizes ua in the background.

Periodically have lamo levels checked...if not doing so. Can take a bit to get the therapeutic level.
Keep strong. HT.

Oh, I forgot to add:

I had been using supplemental lithium orotate, and I wonder if it caused or exacerbated my thyroid problems. I only recently learned how hard it can be on thyroid. I have low TSH and also low T4, which are usually opposite of one another.

In the beginning I took it everyday (120 mg lithium orotate, 4.6 mg elemental lithium), then I took a maintenance dose about once every week or two. I really don’t know if that’s enough to mess up my thyroid but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .

Now, about that above ground pool. No, it;s OK, you can put it on layaway.

I'm glad you wrote back because, yeah, I was worrying, why didn't I tell her about.... And here was what I was worrying about:

When I first came across the column on being positive, the one which said think positive before you go into a problem that you can solve it, I told myself, when I'm away from the column and can't read it, to get myself into a positive way of thinking, first say to myself over and over, "Think positive, think positive, think positive."

OK, what that does is, your conscious is telling your unconscious to think positive about solving the problem. This clears your unconscious to look for solutions, which it does. Otherwise, the hidden unconscious may be set on negative, again from the programming of conscious (maybe from improper childhood learning), and is looking for ways to lose.

Now I feel all better.

You said, you use to go around saying "grrrr" at everything, I would grouse at the pot on the stove for having the gall to boil over, and things like that.
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We use to have a person on the Depression forum named Joyce, whose effects are still being felt. And it was remindful of a quote by the aviator Amelia Earhart who said:

"No kind action ever stops with itself. One kind action leads to another. Good example is followed. A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees. The greatest thing that kindness does to others is that it makes them kind themselves.”
--Amelia Earhart

And it was then added to the depression forum: "Joyce's kindness is truly still causing ripples. So is Amelia Earhart's."

Something else you might like:

“Poetry being imaginative, fresh and honest, is the very language of children, and many of their incidental remarks are simply love poems. Once, when a parent was in the living room with a guest, the child said, `Will you look at me, too, some of the times, and smile and speak to me?’ This is one version of a child’s eternal love poem to the world.”
Rachel Peden in Speak to the Earth. Knoph; Readers Digest, July 1983.

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Love is like a magic penny, keep it and you won’t have any.
Lend it, spend it, give it away, and it will come back to you someday.

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The angels are stopping above your bed;
They weary of trooping with the whispering dead.
God’s laughing in heaven to see you so good,
The Sailing Seven are gay with his mood.
I sigh that kiss you for I must own
That I shall miss you when you have grown.
( --William Butler Yeats)
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Smile

She smiled at a sorrowful stranger.
The smile seemed to make him feel better.
He remembered past kindness of a friend
And wrote him a thank you letter.

The friend was so pleased with the thank-you
That he left a large tip after lunch.
The waitress, surprised by the size of the tip,
Bet the whole thing on a hunch.
The next day she picked up her winnings,
And gave part to a man on the street.

The man on the street was grateful;
For two days he'd had nothing to eat.
After he finished his dinner,
He left for his small dingy room.
(he didn't know at that moment
that he might be facing his doom)

On the way he picked up a shivering puppy
And took him home to get warm.
The puppy was very grateful
To be in out of the storm.

That night the house caught on fire
The puppy barked the alarm.
He barked till he woke the whole household
And saved everybody from harm.

One of the boys that he rescued
Grew up to be President.
All this because of a simple smile
That hadn't cost a cent.

- Barbara Hauck, (age 13)

Post Edited (Tim Tam) : 4/15/2020 12:33:51 PM (GMT-6)

Hey Numeric,

Happy to hear you are sewing masks. This will keep you occupied.
I cannot sew, but my sister is making for er family.

Hope the change in meds helps you.

UA