thoughts on MEDS

Hello!
When I was younger, I had a family friend member provide me with a pamphlet for bi-polar disorder. Almost the entire thing descried me to the tee. This was 12 years ago so I don't exactly remember what it said. What I do remember (and still til this day) is that people would ask me if I was bi-polar. I'd say I think so, but never been diagnosed.
For 2+ years I've been seeing a therapist just to talk to. From within the 2nd session, she has been recommending me to see a psychiatrist for medication. I am TERRIFIED. I am very much afraid of change. But I do know that I do not want to live with the way my emotions are, especially days leading up to and during my feminine cycle. She even recently stated "Now I don't want to you think that just because you have a certain disorder that it defines who you are, because it does not... I truly believe you have bi-polar and should be tested for it"
I am an extremely high or en extremely low person, there is very little inbetween for me. When she told me this it hit hard for me. It's like I knew it but it became real when someone professionally suggests it.

I've been on the verge for years on debating to take medication. Like I said , I am very much afraid. I would like to utilize this forum to get ideas and feelings from you all. Please and Thank you in advance.

First, it’s good that you wrote in.

Second, I think you have a very good therapist. I’ve had a few psychologists, but they all seemed to think they could cure me without medicine.

The fact that you have a therapist who would listen to you talk, hear of your difficulties, and realize she might need more than just a pep talk every now and then, and then recommend a psychiatrist, is pretty amazing to me.

I’ve had bipolar for many years and remember the first time I took Lithium (for the mania part) I felt like a weight had been taken off of my shoulders. I only then realized how much I had been battling the tension of mania. It was just a natural feeling for me because I had been battling that for most of my life.

It was like I had been gritting my teeth and “bucking up” just to make it through a small amount of time. Oh, I remember what I thought now, when I took my first lithium pill after 10 or 15 years of being tense: I thought it felt like the air had been let out of an overly inflated balloon.

I couldn’t believe I had not taken Lithium sooner. One of the problems was, my psychiatrists had not prescribed it. I would come in in a depressed state, and they would diagnose me as depressed, and give me an anti-deperssant.

Because they had not diagnosed me right, then they couldn’t medicate me right, so it wasn’t doing me any good. The anti-depressant alone (with no Lithium, etc., to hold down my mania), would excite my brain and throw me into mania.

It would also cause me to have anxiety attacks. Why the psychiatrists couldn’t ask me if I had mania (do you ever have a racing mind?) when I came in as depressed, is hard to understand. But I had several of them who failed to see that.

So if you ever do see a psychiatrist, don’t assume they are going to get it right.
Keep these things in mind if you do see a psychiatrist, including if you go in as depressed, so you can say, “Oh, but I also have some of the signs of mania, such as…” and give him your reasons for believing you might be bipolar. Also, also, also, tell them your therapist believes you might be bipolar. That should do it.

My mother’s mother had bipolar and that’s who I got mine from. Did you say you had a relative who might be bipolar?

You give an interesting description of this, saying,

“From within the 2nd session, she has been recommending me to see a psychiatrist for medication. I am TERRIFIED. I am very much afraid of change. But I do know that I do not want to live with the way my emotions are, especially days leading up to and during my feminine cycle. She even recently stated "Now I don't want to you think that just because you have a certain disorder that it defines who you are, because it does not... I truly believe you have bi-polar and should be tested for it"

Webmd.com said the symptoms of mania include:

• Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement; Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile; Restlessness; Rapid speech and poor concentration; Increased energy and less need for sleep

• Unusually high sex drive; Making grand and unrealistic plans; Showing poor judgment; Drug and alcohol abuse; Becoming more impulsive; Less need for sleep; Less of an appetite; Larger sense of self-confidence and well-being; Being easily distracted
During depressive periods, a person with bipolar disorder may have:

• Sadness; Loss of energy; Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness; Not enjoying things they once liked; Trouble concentrating; Forgetfulness; Talking slowly; Less of a sex drive

• Inability to feel pleasure; Uncontrollable crying; Trouble making decisions; Irritability; Needing more sleep; Insomnia; Appetite changes that make you lose or gain weight

You can check out some of these sites yourself by typing in “bipolar” into the search engine.

Again, you said,
“I am TERRIFIED. I am very much afraid of change. But I do know that I do not want to live with the way my emotions are, especially days leading up to and during my feminine cycle.”

There is a saying about change which says, “Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.” (Mary Shelley, 1818, Frankenstein)

Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. It’s like 10 people are keeping you from getting help. Really, there is only one, yourself.

I had that, myself, for many years, that’s why I’m an expert on it. My negative unconscious was coming up with good reasons why I should treat myself bad, just like I had programed it to from child hood training or from bipolar, or from both. I had to be taught how to be positive, and then I quit sabotaging myself.

There is another quote which says, “Strength comes from your vulnerability, and being able to step outside of your pride, your protective shell, your fear and say, ‘I need help.’
— Marisa Donnelly, It’s Okay To Ask For Help, You Know.

It’s good that there is a website such as this so we don’t even have to leave home to get help. It’s good that people have the strength to write in.

Can your wonderful therapist recommend a psychiatrist? Can she give you his or her phone
number? Or, can you look up on the search engine “psychiatrists for your hometown” and write down a few of the numbers? You can get a male or a female psychiatrist.

Unless your next appointment is far off, I would get a recommendation from your therapist, or
call in and tell the secretary you’d like a recommendation for a psychiatrist. Maybe one male, one female, and take your choice.

A good shrink....meds are a must with bi polar disorders.
Medication is standard practice for bi polar. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain. With meds support you will stabilize. HT

Background time > my father was an abusive one : mentally, physically, and verbally. He also was an alcoholic and done drugs. I knew of marijuana, recently been told he was popping pain pills. He used to do cocaine. I don't know much history on him and extremely little info on his side of his family b/c his parents passed before I was born and never met any of his other children. Any ways, he passed away when I was 12 years old.

about 1.5 months ago, I had a major mental breakdown. That was on a Thursday. I went to visit my brother who lives an hour or so away from me on a Sunday. He told me prior to my dad's passing, I was not so emotional and/or angry. He told me I was mainly one happy camper.

I noticed my mood change almost instantly after my dad passed away. I was so flipping angry. I would throw anything in front of me at my mom and tell her I would not go home (stayed the night at friend's place A LOT). Because my mom was in an abusive relationship for 12+ years, she let me get away with anything. She never really disciplined me, it used to be my dad with his belt hits and other means... although my brother got the short end of the stick on those :'(

When I was 15y.o I'd get some nasty migraines (still do til this day). My mom took some action and took me to the doctors. The doc did no tests and told me I just suffer from them and I should just take otc meds for it. At 16y.o my mom took me to see another doctor to help with my mood swings. At first he kept saying I needed no meds, but I needed to be more active i.e. Kayak, Swim, Rowing, any kind of sport to keep me going. My mom was a single mom at the time and had no time nor money for that. Then that same doc prescribed a anti-depression. I don't remember which one. What I do remember, though, was that I had a mental breakdown and tried to suffocate myself. I think subconsciously, I knew I wouldn't follow through. But it still happened and I blamed that on the meds. So i stopped taking them.

I take pride that I have never hit any one!!! BUT, when I am extremely down AND mad at myself I have hit my head on what ever is around. I used to pull my hair quite a bit. I do hit my hand on counters ans walls. One time I smacked one hand on a washer three times as hard as I could and bruised two fingers. That was two years ago. I never want to do that again. I much prefer to be in physical pain rather than mental pain any day.

I don't know why but I felt compelled to tell you all this.....

MainerMike >> For the past 6years, I have thought about suicide more than I can count. Thankfully I physically cannot. I do not like death one bit. I also think about other people and how my death would affect their lives. I can't do that to them. Even on my lowest thoughts, I am able to have a hint of positivity in me. I seriously hope that stays.

Tim Tam >> yes, she's given me her list of recommendations multiple times now. I keep "losing" them. I know I threw away at least one of them. These past 6 months I have been leaning toward seeing a psychiatrist. I don't think she's provided a list since then LOL. I see her every Tuesday. So if I can remember, I plan to ask for her list again. I think I'm more aware of my self now is because of this COVID situation. It has hit hard. I work at a grocery store and am seeing how a ton of people are reacting to it first-hand. I feel like I am a rebellious child. I hate this "Season" as a pastor calls it. This "Season" is not going away any time soon. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it :'(

To everybody >> Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts and experiences. I was so happy that I came upon this healingwell website. I don't want others to feel how I do, but it is so nice to know that I am not alone. This is very therapeutic

It’s good to hear from you again. You said it was therapeutic to read the comments of others who have bipolar. It’s very refreshing from this side to hear your nice remarks.

What was the mental breakdown about? Did you go to the hospital or get any medicine?

I was abused by my mother, and at about 27, after I had lost a job and was becoming more and more angry, and couldn’t get it together to see a psychiatrist, my temper unleashed on my mother and I couldn’t relax until I had a nervous breakdown. I then got psychiatric help, which I should have done before.

But there at 27, I blamed her for everything, while for the first over 25 years, I didn’t blame her for anything. I was then perhaps realizing how harmful she had been. I was also becoming unglued and at 27 was in the age range of showing signs of bipolar. (Net sites say average age of onset can be 21 or 25, although it can start in teens.)

This is similar to what you said: “I noticed my mood change almost instantly after my dad passed away. I was so flipping angry. I would throw anything in front of me at my mom and tell her I would not go home (stayed the night at friend's place A LOT).”

This may be a sign of your bipolar outbreak, also, and you don’t want to be like me and sit by and do nothing until it perhaps becomes worse. If it gets worse, you won’t be in as good of a shape to do something about it as you are now. Better take advantage of this relative calm, is my guess from experience, mostly bad.

I did go to a psychiatrist at that point, got misdiagnosed and miss-medicated for about 10 years.
That’s why people here are warning you to heed your therapist and be familiar with bipolar in hopes you won’t be misdiagnosed and miss-medicated.

An example of that is your general practitioner giving you an anti-depressant, but with no mood stablelizer such as Lithium to handle it when you went from depressed to manic, it caused problems. So let the buyer beware.

As far as your father, that does sound like a horrendous situation. My mother was sexually abused and caused all kinds of problems for us children. Do you have any idea why your father took drugs? Did he have physical pain, was he emotionally torn up, like with bipolar, but didn’t go to a psychiatrist?

You might want to ask you mother about this for she might know, for instance, what he was like before he took those drugs. Also, was he showing symptoms of bipolar, such as periods of mania and depression? Did he also abuse her, you were saying?

You said, “I take pride that I have never hit any one!!!”

That is very good. There is a saying, ““We mortals, men and women, devour many a disappointment between breakfast and dinner-time; keep back the tears and look a little pale about the lips, and in answer to inquiries say, “Oh, nothing!” Pride helps; and pride is not a bad thing when it only urges us to hide our hurts— not to hurt others.”
George Elliott, 1874, Middlemarch

You added: “BUT, when I am extremely down AND mad at myself I have hit my head on what ever is around. I used to pull my hair quite a bit. I do hit my hand on counters ans walls. One time I smacked one hand on a washer three times as hard as I could and bruised two fingers. That was two years ago. I never want to do that again. I much prefer to be in physical pain rather than mental pain any day.

“I don't know why but I felt compelled to tell you all this.....”

Maybe it’s because as children we learned about our self-worth from people who didn’t have any. And as children, we believed that.

I mentioned being positive. For years, I had a negative outlook, from my childhood training or from my bipolar or both. Would you say your household was negative? That could have seeped into your thinking.

SACshmo:

You said, “Also I’d like to point out that the therapeutic part of this site is that I am able to know I am not alone, along with being able to talk about my life. Again, thank you all for sharing <3”

Here of late, I haven’t gone that far back into my past, my childhood. It might be because of a woman who gave me some advice at an All-Anon meeting, which I want to tell you about later, but you said it was therapeutic to know that you are not alone, “along with being able to talk about my life.”

So, my mother was sexually abused by her father. I know that from some stories she told, and that in my view she was a borderline personality syndrome person which is often the result of childhood sexual abuse, which is usually in women. So from looking at the end product, borderline, it would have started with sexual abuse.

Also, I know she was sexually abused from her behavior. Borderline behavior. Second such sign of behavior, she sexually abused my older brother and sister. How do I know that?
My older brother and sister are also borderline and also both of them hated me. Why? Because they realized I wasn’t sexually abused, so they tried to physically and mentally abuse me.

As part of his borderline behavior, my brother had a hellacoiuis temper, plus he had my dad’s condition of, now seems to be called “Intermittent Explosive Disorder.” When I was 6 or 7, and my brother was 9 or 10, he beat me with his fists in front of the family who was eating dinner and the only response from the family was my dad saying, “Aw, Bill, knock it off” or something like that.

It probably represented the dichotomy or divide of our family, in that, at times it seemed very good, and at times it was pathological, for we were playing after supper games at the table when that slaughter and inappropriate response from the family occurred. That’s who we were.

The pathology was represented by my mother, who again, was sexually abused, and abused my older sister and brother. Thus my brother’s intense anger over losing an after supper game to his younger brother. Also, my mother’s non response to watching the beating, for she knew she had caused that anger by sexually abusing my brother, and so she did not step in to stop it, or punish my brother in any way.

My older sister, who was also sexually abused by our mother, wouldn't physically attack you, she would simply try to destroy you. She never spoke, she would wait for you to speak and then tell you you were wrong, same tactic as my mother, who also never spoke.

Oh, here’s one for you. My sister was terribly close to my mother, who sexually abused her. My mother was helpful and comforting to my sister, who my mother had sexually abused.

My sister would also try to destroy the family, such as the evening she tried to destroy everyone's Christmas. It was a few days before Christmas. We were going shopping for presents.

We were all 5 in the car and before my dad cranked it up, my brother (11) and sister (13) started arguing in pathological tones of voice and words. Of course, those were the two who were sexually abused. I was 9 and just listening in amazement, I was not sexually abused and did not participate in the argument, trying to figure out, what is wrong with my family?

And neither of my parents moved to correct them. Mom did not, because she caused the disruption, and because as a sexually abused person herself who was torn up, she wanted her children to be torn up and she wanted her husband torn up and she wanted her family torn up.

I’m sitting there trying to figure this all out.

One time my brother and I were playing baseball. He would told me I would be the catcher, since we had found a catcher’s mitt somewhere, and he would be the pitcher.

I about 10 and he’s about 12. First, he didn’t stand back far enough from me. Second, he threw the ball as hard as he could. It glanced off the top of the mitt, and the ball hit my chest going quite fast. That could have killed me. Well, yeah, that’s what he was trying to do.

So from all of that I had low self-esteem. I tripped myself up many times from that.

Thank you for the nice reply.

You said, “I hate how emotional I am, but I love how I am in general.”

As for the emotional, that’s great also.

There’s a quote from Great Expectations (1890) by Charles Dickens that says, “We need never be ashamed of our tears.”

Other quotes concerning that are:

Even though the world doesn’t understand you, it needs you. It needs people like you because you give it balance, you give people hope and you remind people that it’s okay to be real, soft and vulnerable. You remind people that it’s okay to be a non-perfect human being.
— Rania Naim, To The Ones Who Are Tired Of Apologizing For Their Feelings

At the end of the day, you’re entitled to every one of your feelings. Don’t allow anyone to belittle you for your sensitivity. Vulnerability does not make us weak; it makes us human.
— Melissa Kerman, To Anyone Who’s Afraid Of Being Vulnerable

Strength comes from your vulnerability, and being able to step outside of your pride, your protective shell, your fear and say, ‘I need help.’
— Marisa Donnelly, It’s Okay To Ask For Help, You Know

It takes true strength to be vulnerable. It takes real strength to open up about the things that make you uncomfortable. It takes real courage to admit you’re having problems and struggling because it’s hard. Hiding your problems and pretending they aren’t eating you alive is the real weakness.
— Becca Martin, You’re Allowed To Have Moments Of Weakness

You said, “Just think, you wouldn't be who you are if it wasn't for all those (crappy) experiences. I have to think like that. I wouldn't be me without going though what I did. I hate how emotional I am, but I love how I am in general.”

Along that line we have:

Perfect purity is possible if you turn your life into a line of poetry written with a splash of blood.
— Yukio Mishima, Runaway Horses: The Sea of Fertility

“And as the ax bites into the wood, be comforted in the fact that the ache in your heart and the confusion in your soul means that you are still alive, still human, and still open to the beauty of the world, even though you have done nothing to deserve it.”
– Paul Harding

Happiness can't be found , wen u seek It for urself
But wen u give to others , It 'll find its way back to u ...
Dats The Mystery of HAPPINESS...!!

We also have:

“You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.” — Dorothy Parker

“Just because your version of normal isn’t the same as someone else’s version doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you."
—The Terrible Thing That Happened to Barnaby Brocket by John Boyne

“If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.”
—W. H. Auden, “The More Loving One”

“I sing myself and celebrate myself.”
—Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr
Favorite quote: "open your eyes and see what you can with them before they close forever."

Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
Favorite quote: "I would not have you descend into your own dream. I would have you be a conscious citizen of this terrible and beautiful world."

Tim Tam thanks for the inspirational quotes!
JC ~ I never would have thought of a mood journal. I've been doing a food journal lately to see if anything triggers migraines and/or spinning due to vertigo. I need to look into a mood journal!! I don't know where I'd be if I wasn't going to therapy. In the past two years I needed to schedule two emergency visits. Not too bad. I pray that you get to be where you want! Thank you for sharing your experiences

SACshmo:

I told you I hadn’t been back to too much of my past in a while because of a woman who had given me some advice at an Al-Anon meeting, which I said I was going to tell you about later.

But prior to my telling you about that, you said in a post, ““I hate how emotional I am, but I love how I am in general.”

The part of how emotional you are reminded me of some sayings, which I wanted to pass along first, and then I was going to tell you about what the woman said at the Al-Anon meeting, witht Al-Anon being for spouses or friends of alcoholics.

OK here’s what the woman said at the Al-Anon meeting.

First, I have felt sorry for myself all of my life. My mother, who was sexually abused and remained at the emotional age she was when that happened, would have been threatened by my growing more emotionally mature than she was.

So she would have set out to keep me immature and would have criticized/rewarded me to keep me in line. So, at 43, at this al-anon meeting, the group leader was giving everybody a chance to talk. There weren’t but about 4 or 5 people there.

When it came my turn to talk, I started spouting my troubles, feeling sorry for myself. I droned on and on in a pittyfull tone of voice. When I finally got through, the woman next to me, said,

“Oh, you were having a Pitty Party. We’ve all done that.”

Now, as speeches go, that’s probably not the best one you’ve ever heard.

It was going to be for me.

Well, she was chastising me in front of the group. She was calling me a big baby. But she did it in a feminine way. She also said, “We’ve all done that.” She was rescuing me and correcting me at the same time.

She was like those nurses that give you shots: “This is going to hurt, but it’s going to help you, also.” So it got through my defenses. It got to my psychic.

She wasn’t saying it in a hateful manner. She was looking right at me as she said it. She was sitting right next to me. I’m looking back at her, stunned, and in front of the group, but reading the stern but understanding look in her eyes, which said, "Take this shot."

Now, as I’ve said before, I don’t know if she was an angel or what. And as they also say, one person can make a difference. She made a difference.

After that, I never felt sorry for myself again. Whenever I tried, I saw that woman’s face, and I heard her voice, and the baby that had been in me was not there. There was no reward for that, only a woman who I respected more than my mother cautioning me.

So I grew up that evening. And it has helped immensely.

And then you said, “Also I’d like to point out that the therapeutic part of this site is that I am able to know I am not alone, along with being able to talk about my life. Again, thank you all for sharing.”

So I felt you didn’t want advice you wanted some stories.

But I wanted to add a word of caution for that, so I said, ““Here of late, I haven’t gone that far back into my past, my childhood. It might be because of a woman who gave me some advice at an Al-Anon meeting, which I want to tell you about later, but you said it was therapeutic to know that you are not alone, “along with being able to talk about my life.”

So that’s the story of the woman at the Al-Anon meeting.

I haven't been on this site for a bit. I see where you are coming from. Nice of you to share all those stories <3