Long distance partner with bipolar disorder

Hello, folks. Well, I'm a little new to all this, but am pretty frustrated.

My significant other has what she says is Bipolar 1 even though I can see 2 as well. Just a few minutes ago, she's yelling and swearing at her child. She and I spend a lot of time talking about how he shouldn't be in environments he's in. She's recently divorced and living at home. Her mother does much of the same thing, which in turn, upsets her. His dad lets the kid get away with whatever and it frustrates her when he doesn't listen. He's not my son, but she and I have differing views on discipline.

She also makes comments about not wanting to be alive anymore relatively often. I don't know what to say to that. Seldom do I say the right thing. I often get a, "That's not helpful." I don't want to be alive either, really, but I'm not allowed to make such comments, so it's an odd double standard. My depression is pretty bad and most days feel like a waste, but that's another story.

Health permitting, I'm supposed to move to her this year because of custody issues which stresses me out. I'd like to think if I'm in her presence, things would be easier, but will they?

I'm a noob to this and don't know how to be helpful. I've read some tips on Google on what to do like just listening, for one. I'm probably not the only one that's ever experienced this, but I don't know.

She warned me some time ago that I hadn't really seen the bad regarding bipolar. I underestimated the warning.

Thanks.

-smooth

It's good that you wrote in.

I don't know how y'all have made it for 5 minutes so we can start with a pat on the back.

The situation seems very complicated, and in a way it seems very simple.

The simple is, if she's bipolar, why doesn't she go to a psychiatrist?

I'm bipolar (1 the net says which is full manic, bipolar 2 the net says is hypomanic where the mania is not as severe).

I didn't go to a psychiatrist, either, for a long time, and I too was described by others as they felt they had to walk on eggshells when around me. I thought it was just them making mistakes, not me being too critical.

So, I didn't recognize my problems, either. I think they say people often have to hit a crisis before they go to a psychiatrist. What as my crisis? I had something like a panic attack.

Is there anyway she would go to a psychiatrist? Especially if she already knows she's bipolar.

Why am I so calm right now and she's so upset? Because I'm taking Lithium. Hello! How difficult is that? It's pretty easy, actually. I just take 2 pills a night and I can function.

(I also take Mirtazapine anti-depressant. With bipolar, you need 2 meds, Lithium for the mania and an anti-depressant. If they diagnose her as depressed, and give her an anti-depressant only, it will send her into mania, so she needs a stabilizer (like Lithium) also.

I remember when I took my first lithium (she's never taken Lithium so she doesn't know what the difference is going to be), I felt like a 100-pound weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't know I was so uptight.

What was it like before I went to a psychiatrist? I just kept getting more and more wound up without knowing anything was wrong. I did know in a manner of speaking that something was wrong, in that as I kept pacing around my apartment and thinking, "I need to go to a psychiatrist."

But then my negative feels came up and turned down that idea, "Well which one are you going to get?" and I gave up on the idea. So it was negative feelings in connection with my bipolar that got me in trouble.

Are you generally positive when it come s to solving problems?

Tim Tam,

She's been to a psychiatrist and has also been on Lithium. I believe she has weekly appointments and I honestly don't recall what her reaction was to the Lithium. Possibly some interaction with another medication? It's hard to remember because it's often so much.

I would say I don't handle problems well. It's just one more thing to add to the plate of things I don't want to eat. lol. I feel people walk on eggshells around me at work because I'm moody myself.

I hope and think I covered everything in your reply. Thank you for your time!

Well, that is a world of information.

I thought we were going to be climbing Mt. Everest to get her to a psychiatrist, and then another obstacle to get her on Lithium or some other stabilizer.

But you say she already goes to a psychiatrist and has taken Lithium.That is wonderful. But then I'm wondering why she hasn't calmed down?

You said, "Just a few minutes ago, she's yelling and swearing at her child. She and I spend a lot of time talking about how he shouldn't be in environments he's in. She's recently divorced and living at home. Her mother does much of the same thing, which in turn, upsets her. His dad lets the kid get away with whatever and it frustrates her when he doesn't listen. He's not my son, but she and I have differing views on discipline.

"She also makes comments about not wanting to be alive anymore relatively often. I don't know what to say to that. Seldom do I say the right thing. I often get a, "That's not helpful." I don't want to be alive either, really, but I'm not allowed to make such comments, so it's an odd double standard. My depression is pretty bad and most days feel like a waste, but that's another story."

Have you ever been to a psychiatrist for your depression? How about, one problem at a time, and be positive about that problem?

How did the Lithium affect her, and did she take an anti-depressant at the same time? Since bipolar is 2 illnesses, mania and depression. Could you find that out? What is she taking now? Is she still going to the psychiatrist?

Do you think you're going to solve this, since what's going on in your mind can have a large affect on the outcome?

Again, as a bipolar, I take Lithium for my mania and Mirtazapine anti-depressant for my depression.

Tim Tam,

I think there are a lot of triggers, but am not sure. A lot of what you've asked me are helpful in what I could ask her. As I have said, she's a few hours away/long distance. She's pressuring me about whether I'm going to have a child with her and when I'm going to get up there. ALL that stresses me out. I tried to go into a deep explanation as to why or why not and she told me it's a yes or no answer which I disagreed with. She's also talking about getting another Masters. If it was any field that paid better, I could be more supportive, because trust me, she needs money.

I've been to a few different mental health professionals. I essentially spout off for an hour, don't put in the time to help myself outside therapy, and come back with the same stuff. I even tried TMS. Waste of money. Lots of money.

I'm sure I could find those things out. She's told me, but I have memory issues. It seems like she talks about how birth control affects this and that more than anything. I believe it helps her period, so she stays on it. She has a session weekly or every other week with a professional.

I don't see myself solving this. I thought treating her well, listening, being thoughtful would be enough, but doesn't appear to be.

TT take your hand off it.
Let me guess you were raised in a negative household and learned to be!

Not every person who has been raised in negative homes turns out having a learned behavior of negativity! If
Anything many are the most positive because of it! HT

I am. I was raised in trauma a d abuse.

HT,

I hear you. My parents and grandparents were smokers and I decided to not go down that route because of this and that. :D Not quite the same, but you feel me.

The woman who wrote the column on being positive when trying to solve a problem, said in paraphrase:

1. Some people are good at solving problems, some aren’t..
2. Solving problems is not a genetic trait.

3. Steps that can help:
4. Best thing for solving a problem is your attitude, times 10.

5. Think optimistically. If you think you aren’t going to solve the problem, you’re right. If you think you are going to solve the problem, you’re right. So, again, it’s not the problem, it’s what you’re thinking (unconsciously) about the problem going into it.

6. Being a pessimist is not genetic, it’s what we learned as children.
7. Problems often have more than one solution.

8. If you think in advance you’re going to solve the problem, you chances of solving it increase greatly. (Because your unconscious mind is dependent on what you think going into the problem. If you think you’re going to solve the problem your unconscious mind look for ways to do that. If you don’t believe you're going to solve it, your same unconscious mind turns off it’s powers, obeys your childhood mindset of negative and looks for ways to fail.)

9. One step at a time.
10. Ask for help if you need it. Don’t ask for it if you don’t.
11. You’re not going to solve every problem, but you will gain experience. Which will help you with your next problem.

12. And lastly, if you can’t solve the problem, give yourself the same support you would give to any friend.

One time, before I read this column, I had a big problem. Let’s say, I was in a dangerous situation in the room where I was. My conscious mind thought, open the door and walk out of the room. My unconscious, which had learned as a child to be negative, piped up with a counter-belief to that. It said, “The door is probably locked. Dive through the window.”

I dove through the window (a negative because I got hurt), but I solved the problem because I got out of the room (a positive). This represented my mind (conscious is positive/unconscious is negative).

I walked over to the door and turn the handle: it was unlocked the entire time.

That’s a true story, in generalities. Two years later when I read the column and thought back to that tough situation, I saw my conscious mind at work. I remembered it saying: “open the door and walk out of danger.”

I also saw my negative unconscious mind at work: “You can’t open the door and walk out of danger because…… (make up any excuse).”

When you think positively before going into the problem that you can solve it, it opens up your unconscious that you can’t see, and your unconscious starts to look for solutions, rather than looking for defeat. If you’re negative unconsciously (and you don’t know because you can’t see it), it takes an actual key (“Think positive, Think positive, Think positive”) to open it.

It will do either of those things equally well.

But it must be set on positive before you begin looking at the problem.

That’s why when thinking about how to get the car out of the back driveway, I did not think about getting the car out of the back driveway. I thought first about reading the column on being positive.

And before I got to the fourth paragraph, my unconscious said, “Smith’s garage has a small wrecker. We’ve used it before.” While I was still consciously reading the column.

Smooth, I have a 42 year old niece that is bipolar 2. She was 17 years old when disgnosed, mental illness runs on her mother's side of the family. I won't bore you with all the details of her life except the longest relationship with a guy lasted 18 months. She will go on medication for a bit & seem to do good & then decides there is nothing wrong with her, the drs & everyone around her is lying. It has been a viscous & destructive cycle all these years.

As you mentioned you have your illnesses to deal with, you dread taking calls or answering text messages some days. I would listen closely to my inner feelings. What happens to you if you decide to move & once there you see that you shouldn't have? How will this affect you, loss of a job, a place to live things of this nature. Maybe even sit down & make a list of pros & cons. Some may not agree with that, but it's worth putting on paper & looking at.

I wish you the best no matter what decision you make.

straydog said...
Smooth, I have a 42 year old niece that is bipolar 2. She was 17 years old when disgnosed, mental illness runs on her mother's side of the family. I won't bore you with all the details of her life except the longest relationship with a guy lasted 18 months. She will go on medication for a bit & seem to do good & then decides there is nothing wrong with her, the drs & everyone around her is lying. It has been a viscous & destructive cycle all these years.

As you mentioned you have your illnesses to deal with, you dread taking calls or answering text messages some days. I would listen closely to my inner feelings. What happens to you if you decide to move & once there you see that you shouldn't have? How will this affect you, loss of a job, a place to live things of this nature. Maybe even sit down & make a list of pros & cons. Some may not agree with that, but it's worth putting on paper & looking at.

I wish you the best no matter what decision you make.

Susie,

I've pretty much checked out and have ignored her for 21 hours now. She bothers me with relationship crap at work which is unacceptable. Upon doing some reading, it's important I set boundaries. I've not been allowed to express my feelings without considerable pushback. I can't say or do anything right. She's no longer insured, so that will cause an issue with staying on the meds. I've learned not to end the relationship during a manic episode, which I believe she is currently having.

In this state, it's hard to come up with any pros. I'm actually afraid to talk to her and I told her that. It's as if none of the things I'm going through matters if she's having an episode. She downplays my mental illness. I've actually gotten the bipolar diagnosis before, but I wouldn't say I experience any mania. I'm considering tackling the Herculean task of finding a psychiatrist to help. I definitely need a new psychologist. The fact the psychologist can't prescribe meds still annoys me.

I'm difficult to get along with at times. I'm an only child. I am cognizant of that. If I can't accept her for what she goes through, what kind of person am I? I have all those GI issues and she's usually pretty understanding. I basically sleep in a recliner. Do I deserve anyone? I am good at quitting when things get hard. That's been the case my entire life. I don't know how to overcome.

I definitely don't want to be stuck moving up there just to be miserable. I considered going up for a week to see how that goes and feel that that many days could be pretty telling. Honestly, I just don't think I have it in me. It's excited me at times, but the feeling is mostly fear.

I've probably repeated myself a little from older posts, but memory issues. I'm taking Xanax daily now which isn't typical, but can contribute to some of that. Could be some of the residual COVID, too.

Thanks for writing.

John

You’re actually in pretty good shape.

1. She’s divorced with a child from that marriage. In that, you don’t have a child with her. You’re in better shape than you know.
2. The child is in a bad environment, but you’re not in that environment.
3. Her mother is trouble also, and you’re going to be outnumbered, 2-1.
4. Your affect on the child will be zero.
5. All you’ll be is ground chuck, preferably male, something for them to chew on. Everybody else is steering clear of that house. Wonder why? All they need is for somebody to walk in. Why not you?
6. She doesn’t want to be alive, but we don’t know what the dx is or what meds she’s taking or not taking. And she’s still hollering at the child, showing she’s not on the right meds, but won’t discuss medicine with you. Use her male child as a weather balloon: If you move in, that’s what’s going to be happening to you.
7. You have depression, and are going to go to a psychiatrist, which is good.
8. What do they say: Looking out for number one? That would be you, not her.
9. If you have the strength, I think you should stay away. If you are alone and have problems, the temptation could be to go towards her, even with her problems. I was in a similar situation with someone who had huge problems, so I have an idea of what you are going through.

10. I hope you can find the strength to avoid this difficult situation.

11. In a way, it’s lose/lose. You may feel like you lose if you’re alone, and you lose if you’re with her. But I think if you can get positive, positive in general, positive that you can make it without her, you can get through this.

Hey smooth.

The difference was, (with my situation) dealing with a mummy and daddies girl.
They did all for her, everything. At the time i was 40 and she 52.
She in UK, me Australia. I was attacked savagely by the mother and father.
Why is he coming, who, etc etc. Then the attacks of character. She was under their thumb.
She lived episodic depression. What transpired after i left last visit i'd rather let be.
HT

Susie,

My GI issues are second to none (probably not true, but I'll say it for effect) and I feel like I'm going to get an ulcer. I've recently said, "You can't please everyone and even if you could, you'd still have that one jerk be displeased simply out of spite."

That was a concern. If I'm paying for a place and he's staying there, I'd need to have some say and some rules. I spoke to her tonight and she just wants the opportunity to try to have another, but she doesn't know if she can. Informed her I don't think it's in the cards for me as much as I tried to make myself believe otherwise.

I basically ended it this evening. She actually let me speak and didn't get angry. I don't know if she feels blindsided or what. We both stated we're unhappy. Long story short, I told her I don't see things getting any better and she asked if I wanted to end it. After pausing for what seemed like a minute, I said, "Yes." She said, "OK, bye." We were on video chat. A follow-up text read, "If you don't want to fight for this, I'm not coming back."

I feel terrible. The relief hasn't set in yet and it's all very raw. She asked if this is what I really want. It's not that I WANT this, but I feel it has to be this way. Sadly, I said give me some time to think about it... a day, whatever. I think I wish she would have ended it. Frankly, I thought it would be mutual. Neither of us are happy. I'm realizing how short life is and all that.

Thanks for all the kind words. I realize you all only see my side of it. Perhaps her perspective is different. Once I felt afraid to speak to her, that was kind of that. I talked to a few friends on the phone today about it and they agree I did the right thing.

I know insurance and such is her responsibility, but I just feel for her. Divorce, attorney's fees, lack of child support, insurance, no place to call her own, her parents are struggling with their mortgage, her job stinks... and it just doesn't end. This all weighed heavily on me, too, and I'm unable to really deal. I'm reminded of when my GI issues started. This was coincidentally when we were together before. Trying to make all these lifestyle adjustments plus all of her stuff on top of it. Heavy.

I'll be giving the Healthgrades a check now. I've got her texts on ignore for the time being. One of the friends I talked to said not to respond to anything for at least a day. I'm seeing some practices with good reviews, but the docs aren't broken down.

Yes, we don't share many common interests. While I've gone into great debt for it, my collectibles bring me some joy and she was never supportive. Every time we spoke and she'd see my walls... "Too many toys." It wore thin.

I worry about stuff like, "Since I have to be put under, who will be my ride to endoscopy appointments when Ma is gone?" I don't know if I'll want anyone. I just don't know. People with chronic issues feel a bit burdensome on others; at least I do. I'm also not big on myself. Nobody will ever help me like me. No one should have to. There were times when she was supportive and it just wasn't enough. She was understanding that I couldn't do this and I couldn't do that physically. Something as simple as lying down is challenging for me because of the reflux. Maybe she's better than I give her credit for sometimes, but she just complains so, so much. It's always going to be something.

I'm sorry about your niece. I think I have family strife, too. My relatives are mostly four hours away and when I moved with my parents, that basically ended relationships with them in a natural fashion. People just drifted. Still love my aunt.

I'm just torn up. Thanks for reading a few times. I'm sorry if I repeat myself, but my issues with my memory are a little concerning.

Bless you,
John

Post Edited (1039smooth) : 3/2/2021 9:15:54 PM (GMT-7)