mehh!!!!

So I'm not sure if I have BP or what I have yet. I'm still looking to find out exactly how one should feel if they have bp. I know that somethings not right and I know taht I tend to be depressed but what exactly is a manic episode? I do feel sometimes like I am going nuts because I am overwhelmed with a lot of thoughts at once and sometimes they are really rational but just way off of any normal train of thought. Almost like I analyze things too much and sometimes come up with incredible conclusions. I know by now I have some kind of disorder and it has affected my relationships and my friendships and I stopped going to school this semester. Now I have to see my girlfriend going out with a complete dumb**** and thats not just me being jealous. I know for a fact that she deserves a lot better. I just don't get why some things happen in life.
I know a lot of you have replied to my earlier posts but I would really apreciate it if instead of recommending me medications or suggestions you could help me even establish if I do infact have the symptoms of bp or not. I am slowly getting better and fighting it more and mroe each day. It jsut seems like every night I have really heavy lucid dreams and when I wake up I will start thinking up a storm and I just can't settle in my own skin until a couple hours after I wake up. My mom has mood swings and she knows what I'm going through and I always try to help around the house to try and not sleep all day but she makes my life a living hell with her constant  pointless nagging and it just makes things so much worse. I am completely irritated at everything. I always think taht I wish I was never born or that I hope to just get run over or something because I would never take my own life. But sometimes the pain and vagueness of not knowing what the hell goes on with my life is too much to even try and play by ear more and more each day.
I jsut want some closure to all this. My life's going by so slow and yet I still can't grasp a hold of it. Its been like this for about 6 or 7 months now and I am having an incredible amount of patience.
Like I said before my doctor had put me on prozac and that didnt do squat. Now my pdoc put me on Depakote ER.. I have been taking it for only 2 days now so I don't know if its right for me yet. I guess I'm jsut looking for some comfort from you guys cause u have done it in the past. And maybe you can help me figure out whats going on. I know I'm not schizophrenic only because I am rational most of the time. And I can write all of this pretty coherently, although very emotionally distraught ;(.
This feels far from a depression.. of course the restlessness builds up such negative energy but I've been through a depression before and if my physical state and my mind just stabilized.. I think I've had the patience and the mind power to beat this thing a long time ago. It's more a feeling of being overwhelmed than anything else.
Anyways, wahtever information u can give me.. ya know..  I'd apreciate it.

Thanks again

Hey Dolly! I am sorry that you are having to go through all of these mood changes...I myself don't know how I am hanging on! I just started my meds today and I know that it is going to be a while before it gets better...especially since I am starting out slow! I agree with Ellie that we, of course can not dx you. I went for an entire year before seeking help after I was told by my counselor to be evaluated for bipolar disorder. I knew that I felt depressed...but I didn't say any mania symptoms. It has been just recently that I have been awaken to my mania symptoms and I am still not used to what all happens. If you would like some info about what manic attacks are like, I describe some of mine in the post titled "The low down on manic episodes?" I know that everyone experiences different symptoms, but with me it is like I can't slow down...my mind goes non stop and I am full of excessive energy...I am so full of the energy that I don't make decisons clearly and I lose my judgement...like I am high or drunk...but I am not. My symptoms seem to be getting worse...so I would recommend getting help before your symptoms get any more severe. You can also find quizes online that asses your risk for bipolar disorder. I took the mood disorder questionare and took it to my doctor....based on my symptoms I was diagnosed....this was just yesterday. I wish you luck and I hope you can find some answers...hang in there!

Are you taking meds and have you talked to your doc about bipolar disorder? I am sure that meds will help. Even though I just started taking mine, I am noticing a difference in the way I feel already. The way you described racing thoughts and muscle tension describes exactly what I have been through. My medicine makes my mind and body feel relaxed. I still am myself, and I don't feel drugged...just comfortable and not so tense. I really do hope you get the help you need and hang in there! We are here for you to talk to! I find that praying helps me alot..its my way of meditating.

I hope that things get better for you! How does your girlfriend react to all of this? If you feel guilty about the way you are feeling and acitng..you shouldn't! You can not help the way you feel! I hope that your girlfriend is supportive, and remember that it is not your fault!

I am glad that things are starting to look up and I am really glad that you know it's not your fault. Sometimes really sad or bad things happen in life, and we have no clue why. Somewhere down the road you may find a new girfriend who is very supportive that loves you very much, and may end up getting married. I had two relationships that didn't work out prior to my marriage with my wondeful husband. Both of the guys didn't truly care about me and it would have been bad if we were together for a long time. My husband is WONDERFUL and he is very supportive...he has changed my whole life for the better and he helps me understand myself! I hope that one day you will get this some privelage and remember that it may not have worked out with her because someone way better will come along!