At this moment in my life, there is not one person that I can talk to about how I'm feeling that understands. Only a handful of my friends know that I'm BPII, and they have given up on me. I had a good friend that got me a job in her law firm as a receptionist, but I ended up hating it and quit, and she has since decided that I am not helping myself so she is now more of a "fringe friend" who doesn't want to be close. Another friend that I hadn't seen in a while, an old co-worker, met me for lunch a few weeks ago. We used to be very close but had been out of touch for a while. We used to tell each other everything. I told her about the BPII, and haven't heard from her since. I guess she doesn't want to have a friend who may be high maintainance.
I try to be a good friend. I listen to others, provide support, etc. It seems like when I open up all that changes. So now I feel very isolated and unsocial. I am working at a restaurant, serving, and have a few aquaintances there, but no friends. I meet with a group of women nearly every week to knit and socialize, but the friend I mentioned above who got me the job that I quit is in that group and I think she "warned" the others about me because they treat me differently now. I've been going through a lot lately and have no outlet to process this stuff. My husband is wonderful but has always shied away from conflict and honestly he does not know what to say or do to help. So I immerse myself in activities that distract me from thinking about how I feel. Can't afford a therapist now...am on meds but need an adjustment because I'm in a severe depressed state. Going to my doctor for that on Thursday. She's been great in the past about listening to me about the meds and working with me. I don't qualify for assistance on the therapy. We have insurance but don't make enough to afford the amount of therapy I need. I tried this [therapy] before and ended up abandoning it, owing my psychologist money...just another thing to feel guilty about.
I'm a creative person. I teach knitting classes and can do just about everything "crafty". It's really been a salvation but I do tend to immerse myself into it so much that I avoid problems in my life. I also used to be a writer but feel fuzzy on the meds and can't seem to get my act together enough to get back to it. I left a well-paying job of 10 years as a result of the BPII. I couldn't handle it anymore, wasn't doing what I was supposed to, and left before they could fire me. Since then life has been pretty rough for me and my family.
I don't really know what I want to gain from this post. I guess I needed a place to express how I'm feeling because I know there are others here in the same boat as me. Perhaps some suggestions on how to cope better. I know I would benefit from therapy but until that's an option again, what else can I do? As far as the meds go I am on Lamictal (200 mg), Effexor (150 mg), and Estrogen/Testosterone (2.5mg/2.5mg) because I had a hysterectomy a few years ago and need the hormone replacement. Something in this combination is not working because the depression is getting worse. I'm considering Lithium because I've heard that sometimes works quickly to alleviate depressive symptoms. Suggestions?