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Posted 9/5/2006 2:00 AM (GMT 0)
My 17 year old Bipolar teen (see OUT OF CONTROL TEEN) is now in the hospital since the 1st of Sept. He really hates me and won't return any phone calls or speak to me when I call. His dad is the one who visits him. It was suggested that I would just upset him if I went to see him. I have three questions...

1. Should I go to see him anyway? He's really high on meds.

2. If he hates me now what's it going to be like when he comes home? I'm not used to being "hated" and to be honest, I'm afraid he's just going to run away! He didn't HATE me until I "put him away".

3. I was told the average stay was only 5 days...How much good can they do in just 5 days???
Posted 9/5/2006 2:22 AM (GMT 0)
First of all, who told you that you shouldn't visit him? If it was his dr. thats one thing, anyone else and I might have to follow my gut instinct.
You did what you needed to do. That was a very difficult and courageous thing that you did. He's angry. You've taken away his "control". Being a parent is not a popular occupation. He wants to control his own world and thats not whats best for him right now. He needs to be stabilized, once he is he'll calm down. If he runs away, it isn't because you haven't done your best.
I too am shocked with the 5 day average. The gift of the modern insurance programs. Perhaps the goal is to drop them out of the Mania quick and try to stabilize him in that amount of time.
Your name is A.F. Mom, does that mean your're a military family? If so perhaps he could get into a program on base that is more prolonged.
I know you're in pain hon, just hang on to the fact that you're doing this for him. You're trying to help him when he's in a situation where he can't help himself.
Hang in there, hopefully he'll come home more stable than when he went in and in that 5 days they can convince him he needs to stay on the meds.
Take Care
Ellie
Posted 9/5/2006 4:23 AM (GMT 0)
Staying out of the picture was my idea and the nurse agreed until he could be stabilized, whatever that meant. He actually talked to me a few minutes ago! He sounded good but agitated...I'm really hoping they'll keep him longer! Because of the holiday weekend we haven't even met his doctor and I don't know if we ever will. From what I hear he's got a million patients in many hospitals! His office is in EXPENSIVE CORONADO CA. so I don't know how accessable he is to lowly low income parents like us. Sigh...

My older son was in the Air Force over in Kuwait twice as the war was starting. Then he developed Crohn's so they kicked him out, sad...
Posted 9/5/2006 4:25 AM (GMT 0)
I'm going to go see him tomorrow.
Posted 9/5/2006 10:48 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Diane,

I'm so pleased your son's spoken to you. -- Sounds like the treatment is beginning to break the mania and he's beginning to recognise that you did what was best for him. It may be a bit up and down for a while, but you hang in there: your son's got a lot to adjust to right now and he'll need you. I'm so pleased that you're going to see him tomorrow (or today now!). I have my fingers crossed for you that it's a good and productive visit for you both.

Does your son already have a pdoc? If so, are you happy with progress with this person? Don't assume that a pdoc like the one at the hospital (who is probably great at crisis care) will necessarily be the best person for ongoing sessions with your son -- plus, if he's really busy with his practices and lots of hospitals, he actually might be best avoided anyway as you'll want someone that can see your son soon and be easy to get hold of at more difficult times. Also, I'm sure someone will talk to you while you're there about what happens when he comes out, and you could ask about pdoc options that would fit with your budget.

(((Diane)))

Rosie x
Posted 9/5/2006 5:31 PM (GMT 0)
He sees a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist. I'm not sure what a "Pdoc" is, that's a question I've had for quite some time but I didn't want to appear uninformed, not knowing all the lingo yet.
Posted 9/5/2006 5:34 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Diane,

I don't think it's an official term or anything -- just shorthand I've picked up on these boards for "psychiatrist"! (And don't worry, I wondered about this for a while until someone else asked on a post and I found out from the answer they got! :)

Are you happy with your son's regular pyschiatrist and psychologist team?

Rosie x
Posted 9/5/2006 5:36 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you!! Does the other mean hugs?? I'm not a computer person, LOL. If so then... ((Rosie)) You've responded to a LOT of my posts in the past!! I'm gald you're a moderator now, whatever that entales.
Posted 9/5/2006 8:28 PM (GMT 0)
I'm happy with the Psychologist, why do they make these words so hard to spell? Maybe THAT"S why they shortened it! But then does it refer to Psychologist or Psychiatrist?? Hey, throw in a Psychoanalysist and we're all bouncing off the walls spelling wise! And they wonder why the mentally ill are so confused! LOL How about "shrink" for Psychologist and "pdoc" for Psychiatrist.
Posted 9/5/2006 8:40 PM (GMT 0)
I hope "shrink" doesn't offend anyone. Sometimes all this serious psycho-talk and paperwork, and dr.appointments make me want to join Matt in the manic state of mind, know what I mean? Sometimes if I have one more person call me and ask how Matt is in that woeful tone of voice I swear to god I'm gonna reach through the phone, grab 'em by the throat and say "Read the mass e-mail!!" LOL Just kidding. Don't mind me...I'm a cartoonist by trade so I exaggerate everything. Sometimes I just have to let it loose. Better to joke than cry.
Posted 9/5/2006 9:37 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Diane --

Yes (((Diane))) means I'm sending you more hugs -- see, you're getting great at this computer lingo! :) -- and that one's a smiley for you!

I agree -- lots of psychs -- psychs me out a bit!! Tee hee. No, I'm not at all offended by the word shrink -- a lot better than some of the names my ex uses for his pdoc!!

I also know that feeling of dreading the "how is x?" question. My ex is currently pushing the world away -- in fact he's refusing all contact with myself (hence "ex" currently) and his best friend at present... funny that we are also, coincidentally (!), the only 2 people in his life who know about his condition... I just kind of accept it these days that things will be all over the place with him until he's seeing his new psychiatrist (starts tomorrow -- hooray -- I hope he goes...) and gets on the right meds. The thing is that it's quite clear to members of my family that something's wrong with him (even if they're not sure what exactly) as they know I worry a lot about him (partly from phonecalls I've taken while at mum and dad's). And so they ask how he is a lot. I dread these questions, mainly because I don't want to break my ex's confidence, but also because progress is *so* slow -- and sometimes things go backwards (like when he binned his last psychiatrist and stopped taking meds). There's just nothing to say sometimes -- or you just want people to know, absorb what little you can tell them and not ask any more darn questions cos you *don't know* any more!!!

Ooh, I feel better for that rant! -- Kind of nice to know there's someone else out there who gets fed up with this (even if I still feel a bit guilty for it!).

Wow, you're a cartoonist? That's great! -- What kind of things? I agree, a joke is good for easying the old tension. :)

Rosie x
Posted 9/5/2006 10:18 PM (GMT 0)
Sounds like you did the right thing. The first time in the hospital is the worst, I believe, and it’s something one usually isn’t able to do for them selves. The first time was strange for me I know. I learned a lot though, and got to talk to some people that really knew what I was going (or trying to grow) through. Later in my life, I found that I was fairly comfortable with taking a few me days “off” in an environment that was safe, and mentally healthful. Today, when I look back, I can see how overwhelmed my mother had been at that time. It took a number of days/weeks for everyone to recover from the emotional extremes. It can be such a growth experience, I wish your son the very best.
Posted 9/5/2006 11:36 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Diane:  My daughter was not happy when we recommended she go to an inpatient facility.  She is 32 so I couldn't "make" her go.  But she is emotionally still a teenager.  Once she got there and met other people who had the same problems she did, it actually made her feel better about herself and she opened up during some of the group sessions (I was told by one of her counselors).  I myself have been hospitalized against my will but in retrospect, it was for the best.  Hopefully, your son will open up some too and the meds will make him a little more reality conscious.  Best of luck to you...Luv...Lazy

Posted 9/6/2006 12:32 AM (GMT 0)
i was hospitalized in 1971, but it was of my own volition.  i was suicidal knew that something was bad wrong but could do nothing about any of it.  i was in my mid-20s at the time.

in those days they doped you up pretty well and left you to pretty much deal with your own demons.  i understand today things are a lot better.

you did the right thing, mom.  even after they are supposedly grown and on their own, they're still your babies.  you love them and you hurt for them and you only want the best for them.  sometimes it's the pits.  but even rose gardens have thorns.

you have all of the support you could ever hope for right here.  keep us posted and rant and rave to your hearts content.

warren

 

Posted 9/6/2006 1:04 AM (GMT 0)
Well, I just got back from visiting him and seeing the social worker. And yes, I'm still the enemy. Sigh...That was hard to take because he could care less about seeing me.

It's so strange, so very strange. All those years of sacrificing, all those years of going to ever single game, biting the bullet so he could go to camp, so he could get what he wanted for Christmas, plus all the patience I extended to him when he was/is sick...all temporarily forgotten...It's hard to take that he sees me now as this monster. Sigh...But I'm not taking it personally. My chin is up, sorta. I say this with my comforting cup of Chocolate frozen yogurt in hand! (low fat sugar free!)

I'm a Caricature Cartoonist and half the job is being a clown to the client and subject. We draw at parties and events. I now know many, MANY of the artists are totally, frighteningly MANIC and use it to their advantage. A lot act just like Jim Carrey on crack! It's CRAZY!!! I watch and listen to them as I work with them. Now that I'm personally involved with the illness I SEE SO MUCH OF IT IN THEM!! No wonder I can't compete with them entertainment wise!! I'M TOO SANE!!(darn...) I can draw circles around 'em but when it comes to "working the room" they leave me in the dust!

It's kind of sad because I hear about their lives apart from work. They should have their own sitcoms on T.V.

HEY...I just now figured that out! Maybe we should suggest that this could be an excellent career choice for artist Bipolars!!

It feels good to write about something besides Matt, my son...Good therapy for the mom.
Posted 9/6/2006 1:38 AM (GMT 0)
You hang in there Diane. Warren is right. You've done the very best you can for him. I know what its like to be the enemy in one of your childrens eyes. I asked my 24 year old pregnant daughter to move out of my home with my two grandchildren a few months ago. It was the right thing to do, but she hated me for awhile. We're still working on repairing our relationship.
You will build this back. He's angry, but thats okay, he's safe for now. In the end if this changes his life for the better, and he stays on his meds, you may have very well SAVED his life.
Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Anyone who thinks we mom's (or dads) have it easy obviously never sat up with a crying baby all night, or next to an ill child, helpless to do anything but hold their hand. Or watched their 16 year old drive away for the first time, and smiled, while inside they were terrified it was the last time they'd see them.
There are wonderful, beautiful moments, but there is heartache, and pain and responsibility all woven in with every one. This is hard, what your doing. But it's right. You are a very strong woman, and I have faith that this will eventually have the result you seek.
Stay strong, we're here for you
Ellie
Posted 9/6/2006 1:42 AM (GMT 0)
Rosie...Regarding the "ex" situation. Mine was/is Schizophrenic and while we were married he refused to get traetment of ANY kind, that's why we're divorced.

But does anyone ever truely "divorce" the lone, friendless soul of the mentally ill disabled ex?? I swear, his mom and I are his only "friends" and between the 2 of us we take care of him. It sucks...

I often ask myself "Didn't I divorce this guy 14 years ago?? If so, why is he living on my couch?" Dr. Laura would throw a FIT if she knew! LOL But he's on meds and a pathetic monotoned ***** cat now.(I still don't like him though...) He wants to be near his kids and be as good a dad as he can. He's dirt poor living on SSI in So.Cal. so he ends up on my couch between living situations.

Sounds like you are stuck with having to "mother" your ex too. It's a weird relationship isn't it. But HE'S YOUR KIDS DAD (if you have kids) so what can you do? As much as you hate it, you need to honor your kids feelings. Totally sucks.

But then he's here to help ME this time around, so maybe it doesn't suck...that much.
Posted 9/6/2006 10:49 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Diane,

Wow, things with your ex sound very tough. It's less of a burden with mine. I still love him very much and just want him in treatment with his psych and on an effective set of meds. It's just so very sad to see him like he is because he really is the most wonderful man but the disorder has taken over and he's good with physical illness but terrible with mental illness. He's always laughed at the idea of a "shrink" or "trick-cyclist" as he calls the, and now he finds that *he* needs this help. I know that until the bp is under control our relationship doesn't stand a chance, but I still hold out hope that when the time's right this will start to work out too. He's a strong and proud man who has come up against the fact that he isn't in control of himself at the moment and that he needs help. Sometimes, yes, I'd like to shake him -- not for having bp, or for acting as he does when it's bad, but for being so darn stubborn when it's come to treatment. I know he had an appointment today and I just pray they he went and did his part in helping himself.

So it's only really how to deal with other's questions and staying calm when my ex is stubborn about treatment that really bugs me these days. I handle the other stuff by knowing that it isn't personal and that he's a good man in great difficulty.

But things really do sound difficult for you with your ex and I'm so sorry about that.

Rosie x
Posted 9/6/2006 4:29 PM (GMT 0)
It sounds like you really do love him. That's good that you still have that feeling. When I think of my ex and the term "love" I just kind of gag...nothing is there at all and nothing will ever be there again. I can tolerate him and occasionally be nice to him and sometimes almost "like" him but that's where it stops. Kinda sad, but that's life. Too much water under the bridge. But GOSH what a can of worms that is!

An unmedicated Schizophrenic abusive spouse for 10 years is/was hell, plain and simple. And I've got the journals to prove it. The movie "A Beautiful Mind" was a walk in the park, but somewhat accurate...

To be honest, I am SO thankful Matt has Bipolar as opposed to Schizophrenia. "S" is your worst nightmare, more specifically, Paranoid Schizophrenia...it's the worst!
Posted 9/6/2006 6:18 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Diane,

Wow, you had a really tough time with your ex. -- I'm not surprised you find it so difficult to be around him. I'm glad at least that you can work as a team at times for your sons' sakes. Your ex is medicated now, right? I bet he thinks back to some of what he did back then and feels pretty lousy about it too. The thing with all of these illnesses is that they can be really kept under control by good treatment (therapy and meds), but adjusting to can be really hard for sufferers -- not least because the conditions change their mental processes -- and often rejection and further spiralling comes first. Sounds like you really bore the brunt of this. -- I'm sorry for that, and not surprised that you could never consider going back there: some things are too big, and abuse is very big as things go!

You take care hun,
Rosie x
Posted 9/6/2006 7:49 PM (GMT 0)
Oddly enough, no, he doesn't look back and wonder or take responcibility for his actions...But then he's stubborn and hard hearted, it runs in the family.

I guess sometimes behavior is just that. I think we can't trace everything bad back to an illness some people are just jerks and that's that, LOL.

But he's not as much of a jerk as he was before. I'll just leave it at that...He's trying, but he has a LONG way to go!
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