wats wrong with me

Hi Horizontal,

HI, I'm Judy. I was saddened by your post. I am also very glad that you made it to this board to post. If you have made this step, you still want help and you need support, friendship and acceptance.
You will find all those things here in our bipolar group. I welcome you with open arms, as I am sure others will.

I have had depression for over 25 years, but was not diagoised with the bp2 until about 10 years ago. I understand the suffering, the stigma, the desperation, and the times when you dont think you can make it another day.


As I read your post, I felt your anger, and I felt a bit angry myself. The thing that angers me is that you went for help and because of that, your life changed in such a negative way that you are now having a more diffiuclt time that ever,, or so it seems. I am wondering what kind of doctors and therapists you have had over the pasat 4 years. By now it seems that you would have found some stability with medication counseling, and work on your part to make changes in your life to help yourself. Also, a good support system. Do you have that? If not, please find one in your area. There are bipolar groups in most ciites. There is also a group called NAMI, a national orgainization for those of us will mental/psychiatic symptoms. They offer support for us, as well as any family members.

What are you doing with your life now? Do you work? Do you have family? Are you on medicaton?
I hope I'm not asking too many personal questions. I'de just like to try to get to know you.

This illness can be a real challenge to live with. At times there doesn't seem to be any hope. Those are the times that you lean on us here at Healing Well. We will help you through those times, and you will find that many of us have been right where you are. We are here, and we understand!!


I hope you will write again. I check this board often, and will write back to you.

Praying for you the AM,

Judy

opps, don't know why my post got posted 2 X's. That happened earlier today too.

 

Message from Moderator (CounterClockwise): It's ok, I deleted the "spare". -- I don't know why this happens somentimes either! I'm always a bit nervous about deleting a "double" message in case somehow it takes the original with it!! (Copied your message before I did it just in case!) All best, Rosie x

Post Edited By Moderator (CounterClockwise) : 10/16/2006 2:12:17 AM (GMT-6)

everryone else have covered the bases.  you have all of the advice that i would or could give.  it's up to you.  do you stay on dead center and maybe off yourself, or do you get the medication and help that you need to claim your life?  that's the choice you have as i see it.

i'm not getting religious, but your diety, whatever his/her name may be, loves you with a love bigger than th universe.   and that's amazing.  and you are amazing.  you have potential and strength inside of you that you don't even know exist.  tap into that strength.  it carried me through when i was in your situation in 1970.  that inner voice said "this isn't you."  at that instant i began to claim my life and my happiness,  listen to that voice, hoizontal.  it won't fail you.

warren

Hi Cliff -- I'm in the UK too!! :)

Never worry about sounding self-pitying: you have good reason to feel frustrated -- this has been going on for a long time and you naturally feel exhausted and anoyed that you are being told to give it time. That said, if it's only recently that you've been diagnosed with bipolar, a little time for the meds to start taking effect actually might be just the thing (they could just do with explaining the process better!!).

Seratalin is the same as Zoloft (for you folks in the US with your whacky med names lol), and is a depression/anxiety med. Diazepam is a benzodiazepine, and is also used for anxiety (more a med for crisis moments than a maintenance med). Have you started taking these meds recently? Your psychiatrist may be waiting for you to adjust to those before adding anything else to the mix. If this is the case, do ask your psychiatrist what his/her plan for your medication is. If you have been on these meds a while now, then there is one crucial question: why on earth have you not been prescribed a mood stabiliser? (In fact I think, fromn what you've said about your changing moods, a mood stabiliser is the *first* thing you should have been put on when you were diagnosed with bipolar, but your psychiatrist may have good reasons for taking a different route, so that may not be a problem in itself). Please do ask your psychiatrist about this at the earliest opportunity. Apart from anything else, although anti-depressants are a very useful *part* of bipolar medication, on their own they can actually trigger mania.

I really don't think you should feel you have to hide the fact that you're bipolar from your close friends and family. For a start, bipolar has a strong genetic element so you may well find out some interesting facts about some of your relatives! Maybe you could start by asking your sister to help you in finding out more about the condition and the way it is treated. There are some great websites out there with information and loads of useful books (this is where I recommend David Miklowitz's "Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide" again folks! -- you can find it via the Resources/Books in the yellow column at the right of this page). I posted a list of really useful web resources for Chelle (seachell), who's also just been diagnosed, the other day in the Anxiety-Panic forum. Here's the link: https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=9&m=623705

I'm so sorry about your mother -- a very difficult time for all your family, and at times like this you probably need extra support (a terrible thing for anybody, but it counts as a "trigger" situation for bipolar, so it's no surprise that things are especially difficult at the moment).

Lovely of you to ask about us too! -- I'm 31 and live in the UK (down Portsmouth way). I came here at the start to find help with my ex who has bipolar (was my partner then -- yes, bp claims many relationships when it's not being managed properly). I found this group so warm and welcoming -- full of great insight and advice. As I say, since then my partner left (went completely blank, not taking bipolar meds, all very messy and painful), but I have remained here because I think it's so important for people who do reach out to have support and for us all to help each other through the tough times. I couldn't help my ex with what I've learned in the end, but I am so happy to be able to help all the lovely folks here.

Very best wishes to you Cliff.

Rosie x

 

hi warren thanx 4 your reply i look 4ward 2 finding out about your sence of humour no matter how down i am i still like a laugh i have found the suport i have recieved from all on thissite so helpfull 2day ifeel alot better no more bad thoughts im going 2 try an make myself heard when i see psych this week
ps some one asked my girlfreind if she talks 2 me when shes having sex she told them yes when i phone her lol

LOL Warren -- official status is granted to your thanks! :) (Used my sparkly magic wand for this!)

Keep us posted on how you go with the meds/doc questions Horazontal!!

Rosie x

I wrote this last night in the Panic forum, and decided I would repost it here and see what replies I get.  DOes it sound like I could be bipolar, or is it all just FEAR, FEAR, FEAR?... Thanks.

I have been suffering from PD and some agoraphobia for 2 years now.  The last week I have been breaking down and crying a lot.  Tonight my sleep has been broken just like in the past. on and off.  I am SO worried about going crazy.  The stress makes my tummy hurt beyond belief, forcing me to run to the washroom in the middle of the night.  I broke down crying at 2 am tonight and clung onto my sleeping b/f for dear life.  I am so afraid when I go through this, except it doesn't exactly feel like just a Panic attack the way I have them in stores and outside the home. Often at home I go through these weird majorly depressive moments, where I am still consumed by terrible fear and a major sense of impending doom.  I just feel like I should be going to the hospital at those moments.  I worry about being bipolar, because my brother suffers from something like it.  I can't say for sure that I have ever been manic, but the lows I have been feeling ever since one of these awful 'episodes' at home make me worry I am going through some weird depressive psychosis.  My b/f says there is nothing of the sort.  Yet it seems far too intense to just be a bout of normal depression that can accompany PD sometimes.  I am SO afraid, and I don't want to go and ask for heavy meds if it's just all in my head in the end. In addition, I am absolutely terrified of taking medication.  Sometimes I feel I am not even thinking any awful thoughts about going crazy and then this anxiety creeps up or a major moment of depression where I just break down and then am freaked out and scared for my life!  It's hard because I feel bewildered during these moments sometimes, and I worry that I am in some other realm and will lose control.  I don't know what to do.  I have ativan to take when I am terribly anxious or panicked, but when I feel this 'high' the last thing I want to do is take a sedative.  I really need reassurance or some advice, please...  I just don't understand how I can be a bit nervous because of not sleeping, for example, then decide to get up and have a smoke, change my focus, go to use the washroom, and as I am about to lay down again- I break down big time!  I just start crying and feeling SO afraid!  There is definitely always FEAR and major TERROR linked to each of these doomed moments.  I just don't understand myself lately, perhaps they are panic attacks accompanied with depression, but the intensity is so severe because I am ay home (apparently my 'safe place') and I often see no triggers.  I just needed to express myself and plead for help.  I am so tired of feeling so hopeless and like I need to be institutionalized and babied all of the time.  Please help.  *Even now I am worried that because I am typing this at 4:23 am and my thoughts are pouring out, that I may be hypomanic right now or something*.  Ahhh, Help! Please. Thank you all.

Dear Magaroo,  this may sound a bit strange to you but I want you to do something for yourself and for me ok?  wrap your arms around your waist, or shoulders and give yourself a great big hug.  And close your eyes and take ten deep breaths in your your nose exhale slowly through your mouth.  Did you do it?  Feel a bit calmer?  That was a hug group from us to you.  Everytime you feel anxious or fearful do that would you?  Deep breathing can be very helpful for a lot of reasons for a lot of people.  continue to seek your medical and professional help and you really do need to start on some kind of meds to adjust the inbalances in your body that cause your thoughts to race, and all.  I just want to tell you that you are not alone in this.  we are all here for you .  I also want to tell you that you are going to be ok.  It may take some time to get everthing worked out for you, but you are going to be ok.  You are talking to a worrier.  I used to be.  now I just have learned through counseling, meds and prayer how to handle what I can, and dont worry about the things I cant handle, that they always have a way of working themselves out, maybe not the way, I would like them to, but they work out in the end.  always.  I am not a religious person.  I dont practice religion.  however i choose my higher power to be God who I give the credit to because he always comes first, because he always comes through.  Find your higher power source and use it.  give your worries and problems to your higher power and start doing things you like to do for yourself.  Its ok to do that.  you deserve it.  a hot relaxing bath, a walk through wild flowers, or park, go window shopping, etc.    take yourself to a movie, its ok to do these things.  Start talking yourself up instead of down with self destructive ways, and verses.  This can all be learned in counseling, and groups.  We didnt learn these self destructive ways and thoughts over night, it took time, and so will the new positive ways.  You are worth the fight, so take a deep breath, got your running shoes on.  are you ready?  ok, then we will be waiting here for you at the finish line of your race, alot of us are still running it with you.  on your mark, take another deep breath, get set...................GO!.  we will be waiting to hear from you on your new life and new progress.  You are on your way to TRUE HAPPINESS AND FREEDOM.  YEAH

Wow, thank you all so very kindly! I can't believe how thorough and sincere all your responses were.  I am so glad I found this place; I feel better having read your replies already.  It's just been such a long journey already, and just as I am getting better for weeks at a time, I often tend to have setbacks and those change my mind state from positive to negative all over again.  I know I shouldn’t see these setbacks as failure, instead I should see them as opportunities for growth.  I will try and practice that more often.  It's just hard you know (of course you do), because one moment your life is in place, the next you are living in Panic and Fear nearly everyday of your life.  When your home is no longer acts as your 'safe place' it gets really tough, because where do you escape to then, right?  I'm 22 years old and really confused and unsure of myself.  One thing I was always good at in the past was being truly comfortable being with myself, that feeling has since disappeared.  I really want to be a better g/f for my b/f, offer him more laughs and smiles again.  I'd like to take care of him for once, he has proven to be a Prince for a while now and I have to say that in this way I am truly blessed.  I hope you all know I am here for you as well.  Btw, I just wanted to add that I have gone to the psychiatrist a while ago and he diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder, and then a few months later bumped that up to a Panic disorder.  He is definitely correct in his diagnosis, and even thought he told me that I am not bipolar- yet somehow I can't seem to shake that fear off though.  It's sad too because when I get happy at times now, there are moments when I will take that away from myself because I am worried that may indicate a manic state.  I practically live my life by walking one eggshells- if I don't cry today, that means it's less than what is needed to be considered majorly depressed- etc... I land up bottling my emotions up, and then hitting rock bottom.  I know I should just let myself feel what I need to be feeling at a given moment, but I just have this strongest urge to be in control at all times.  I think that I tend to forget that while I suffer from PD, I am still human and other things still go on in my life that may cause me stress or insomnia, etc.  I want to stop judging myself, I just haven't found a way to do so yet.  I know I am rambling now, but maybe it will help someone else here feel that they aren't as alone.  Maybe it will help people see that while our situations/disorders/struggles all may have a similar name, all our cases our quite complex in the end, because we are so uniquely beautiful and different.  Above all, we are human!  Thank you all so much for your replies, it means so much to me.  Even as I write this now I feel quite bewildered, high or even perhaps a slight sense of 'derealization' but I know it'll be okay now.  My emotions are stable and I feel okay, I am trying to remember that anxiety and stress can do extremely weird things to our bodies and for different lengths of time.  I need more sleep, last night was hard and my sleep was broken all night.  I will try and stay positive and calm, and I hope you all will too.  Let's fight all of this together.  We will persevere. XoooX.~

Post Edited (Magaroo) : 10/20/2006 5:59:45 PM (GMT-6)

Thank you for your response Warren.  I definitely have problems with identifying my triggers a lot of the time now because the anxiety has been so internal throughout these 2 years at times.  I have ativan for it, and I suppose I can try and take it more often.  It's just hard when I am feeling 'high' from insomnia or even a bit spaced- out from acute anxiety, because the last thing I want at that moment is a sedative running through my system and making me feel even more 'high'.  Suppose I have to find a median though.  Thank you again, take care.  Thank you all for taking my Panic disorder and fears of 'losing control' seriously.  Thank you for not seeing this anxiety disorder as a joke. But most of all thank you for giving me hope that this own't be my life forever. XoooX.