i'm new to all of this

Hi. I found this site while digging around on the net for some sort of anonymous support. I am trying to accept a bipolar II diagnosis .... I've been denying it off and on for almost 10 years. I was trying to 'push through'. Trying to prove to everyone (including myselrf) that I can 'get over it' and be just fine. But you know what, when my head was in the sand .. something else was up in the air! And what woman wants everyone to see her waving her butt in the air! lol. so ... today isn't so bad. yesterday was rough. the day before that was one of those horribel irritable yell-at-the-kids day that makes me feel so guilty i can't stand myself.

I think that when I'm somewhere between hiding in bed and hanging from the ceiling, I can be a good pal. Supportive, cheerful, funny ... a great listener. But for now .. I am the one who needs a buddy. This whole thing is so isolating ... and nobody seems to get it. I'm tired of trying to find words to explain what I don't understand myself. I feel like I'm from another planet sometimes.

Anybody need a new friend?

thanks for the reply to my post! and for all the nice things you had to say.

I have been seeing a psychiatrist for a couple of months now. Once or the the initial DX, then one other time for a med check. He's pretty 'all business' ... not a therapist ... he just wants to talk about symptoms, treatments, and med plans. Which is fine with me. There was one thing that he said to me the first time I saw him that really got my attention. He said "you can spend all of your energy trying to prove to everyone that you are fine ... OR you can take this prescription and spend all of your energy BEING fine." dang ... what a concept.

I went to him because I started having panic attacks after taking anti-depressants that my family dr prescribed. My mom was diagnosed with cancer, and i was having a hard time dealing with it for lots of reasons. You know ... it never occurs to me to go to him for help when i'm 'up' ... so he didn't know about my ups and downs. just the downs. Anyway, the zoloft set me into a spin of panic attacks .... and I ran into a dear friend who is also a fantastic counselor. She called me the next day and said that after all these years of being friends .. for once she was gonna put her counselor hat on and say something that I didn't want to hear. She suggested that I needed to see a psychiatrist .... that she had seen me up and down and up and down for a long time, and she thought it was getting to be something pretty out of control. she was right. i'm so thankful for her. if she hadn't called .. i'd probably still be denying it.

anyway ... that's the story in a nutshell. the thing is .. it's so isolating. i don't want anyone to know. so i can't talk about it. and that makes it hard to process. i talked to my mother .. and now every time i get irritated or the tiniest bit blue .. she refers to ' my condition ' ... it's like she's thankful to have something to blame it on now. that drives me nuts! people who aren't bipolar get angry ... and sad ... and they have days when they are energetic, or tired. but now i'm labeled in her eyes. that is something i don't think i'll get used to.

the other thing that i'm struggling with is that even though i am so thankful to be getting a handle on this mess ... i am having to re-evaluate so much about myself. this new 'normal' isn't normal for ME. i MISS my up days when i was bullet proof and got so much done. i was outgoing and friendly and confident. i had a sparkling house and volunteered all over the place. but now ... well .. i don't know that i LIKE being 'normal'. i know it's good for my kids ... and for my health. i know FOR SURE that i don't miss the 'down times'. but i don't feel so much like me anymore ... and you know, there were days when i really liked who i was.

sorry .. i'm rambling. i guess this it just the first chance i've had to vent. god bless ya if you read this whole long thing. whew! i feel better though .....

Hi Badkitty,

Well, your pdoc may be all business, but he certainly has a way with words! Love it! And I would thank my lucky stars for a friend like the one you've got who said about the ups and downs. -- We need support systems, and I'm so glad yours worked for you.

That said, I entirely understand what you say about your mum and blaming every mood on "the condition". It's infuriating -- but it's a very "mum" thing to do, and yuou know if she realised it wasn't helping you in the least: that you talked to her about it tells me that you trust her, which is why I'm confident that she'd be mortified if she realised she was hindering not helping. What I'd suggest is getting some reading that you can go through together. Internet resources are one thing, but books are more thorough -- and somehow more human. My favourite -- and it's great for sufferers and family/loved ones -- is David Miklowitz's "Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide": it truly is a book that you could go through with your mum -- and it will help her see when putting stuff down to bp is and is not helpful! :)

You're far from alone in clinging to the "up" times, but the truth is that they are not just the sum of the times you feel good: those "up" times come part and parcel with -- and linked to in terms of cause and effect -- the "down" times. You will never have one without the other. And you know what, "normal" doesn't mean living without feeling great ever: just as your mum shouldn't be putting every bad mood down to bp, don't you think that every good mood is going to be eliminated just because you're being treated. -- Good and bad things happen in life and it's normal to respond to them all: you will feel wonderful at times -- not out of control wonderful, but wonderful because life can throw us good things; and you will feel low at times -- because sometimes that's what happens when we have bad things to deal with. Sometimes it's not that simple -- and then you have to readdress your meds with your pdoc -- but if the meds work well, you stick to them, you will be able to see that the emotions you are having are human reactions -- real reactions -- not reactions based on silly chemical imbalances. :)

Rosie x

Hello Everyone....
What a "site" this is. I was browsing to find more information on Fibro and came across this site. I have been Bipolar (rapid cycle type I) most of my life (now 39). And recently have been diagnosed with Fibro also. UGH!!! now at least I understand why I physically feel crappy along with emtionally all over the place. I have been on several different meds for my BP and so far have found that Lamictal is the winner for me. It helps with the racing mind and keeps my mood swings to a controllable level... for now anyway. Wellbutrin has helped with the "crashes" and naproxin has helped with the all over muscle discomfort. I can finally say I feel "better" (although I don't think I will ever be better). I can totally relate to BADKITTY. It was not that long ago when I was going thru the SAME thing. My family, especially my parents, had an AWEFUL time of understanding let alone accepting what was going on with me. It was always "you're just over emotional, too sensitive". HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT. Even my (ex)husband could not grasp what was going on. AND YES my BP played a major role in my relationship (of 16 yrs) ending up in divorce.
I have been in counceling now for a couple of years... finally found one who I "click" with. That really helps. After all these years to finally have someone "understand" and help put things in to perspective WOW, it sure makes me feel better to know I am not as "out there" as some of my family has told me I am. Feeling accepted for who and what you are is difficult enough not being "sick" let alone when you are. Especially when it is not "cancer, a cold, etc" something that people understand, can actually see.

BADKITTY, keep writing and I will do the same... GOOD LUCK keep your head up