Suffering, need to vent

hi guys,

it's been a long time since i've posted anything here.  but i do come on here and read when i can. 

i recently stopped taking my meds october 27th b/c i couldn't take it anymore.  i'm bp II and no matter what we tried, i ended up being too physically ill from side effects and no combination could help my cycling, or my bouts of depression.

i just got to the point where i was so confused about medication and my bouts of depression were so bad that i almost ended up admitting myself back into the hospital and i cannot lose my job.  i thought for sure the meds were worsening my bp symtoms and making it impossible to cope.  since being off everything i am still unstable, but i've had a few normal days and the highs haven't been too bad.  i've been severely depressed the last two days and i've had to work full shifts, amother one today.  i don't know how i'm going to make it through this shift tonight.  i start in half an hour.  i'm writing from my work computer now.  i just need to talk before i start, otherwise, i'm going to completely fall apart.  i wish i could have called in sick, b/c i am too sick to work today.

i'm really upset that my workplace along with all the others, don't accept this disease for what it is.  no one here knows i'm bp and they won't b/c i know i would lose my job.  it just kills me being here some days.  there are some days i can push myself through it, but today is not one of them, but i don't have a choice.  ugh...i am so physically tired and i can't keep my head up.

anyway, thanks for listening and you are all in my thoughts and prayers,

mogs

Mogli, I have been where you are. I am also bp II. When I was in what we called "drug hell" I could not physically function and had to do homeschooling for a while. I lied and told everyone I had really bad mono. Now I have moved 1400 miles away from my friends and the few people who understood and accepted it and have been away from them for a year and a half. Now I am all alone in Ohio trying to pursue my dream (even though I despise it here) and I haven't made any real friends and can't find anyone who I think would understand. When I left school, I told a select # of people my secret. I lost a lot of friends. That confirmed what I had experienced earlier when growing up in a diverse household: people run away from what they don't understand. That's why I can't tell anyone, and living in a dorm with a roommate sucks when you have an anxiety attack. But I also know how it feels to be at work with no one who knows or could possibly fathom what you're going through. I know how you just want to go into the bathroom/breakroom and just cry or scream. And if you tell someone, you take a big risk with trusting them, and they can turn on you and label you "crazy." I hate that word.
As for meds, I agree with the other person, meds are not something to stop. Pleeeease don't stop them. Go back to the psychiatrist (and find one you trust, that is THE key) and tell them it ain't workin. And here's a valuable piece of advice for you and everyone else: If you are under 21(ish), for God's sake GO TO A CHILD PSYCHIATRIST. Sounds lame, and I thought my mother was joking when she told me she set me up with one, but that was the best thing that happened to me, she saved my life. The reason I say go to a psych that specializes in adolescents is because regular psychs sometimes don't take into effect that even though you may be done physically growing, your hormones are still out of whack and changing all the time. The 1st psych I saw put me on zyprexa, which once I wised up and got rid of her- my new saving grace took me off it asap, she said she never puts teens on zyprexa fore various reasons. But you get the idea.
Anyways, I know exactly how you feel. I'd be glad to chat with you more in depth if you want.

Keep pushing through,
Cait

I would tell you to see if you can't find another psychiatrist. I know that with mine, I straight up told him, I have lupus and I am extremely sensitive to medications. (I have had a prednisone induced psychosis, no less.) When we tried things, we started with a child's dose, not an adult's dose. We landed on Trileptal 150 mg in the morning, that is all I can tolerate, but it is enough.

Remember that BP is a MEDICAL, PHYSICAL illness, not true mental illness. It is akin to diabetes or high blood pressure, you monitor it, you treat it daily. Unfortunately, this problem carries a social stigma and if I had a dollar for every time I heard the word "crazy" in relation to myself, I could pay for my grad school education. This social stigma creeps into the hearts of everyone who suffers from bipolar illness and we feel a certain shame. The rest of the so-called "normal" people (remember, normal is a dryer setting. Why do you want to be normal?) are not likely to understand our secret and will likely to label us. It hurts.

I respectfully suggest you see if you can find a sympathetic counselor. If you find someone and you don't like them, try another. Just don't waste your time on someone who is not going to honor you as a person, or one who treats you like you are nuts and is there to fix you. You don't need "fixing" you need understanding and patience. It is possible, with a competent therapist, to decipher what triggers a switch in mood. We all have them and they are all different. You can work with the therapist and find ways to deal with your triggers and perhaps, if you are up to it, to figure out if these have a basis in your past. Some will, some won't.

I have had an excellent therapist. What I ultimately got out of it was the ability to be patient with myself and work with my problems, not against them. We all tend to be our own worst enemies at times. So many of us plunge into adulthood having no idea who we really are and trying to be what we think others expect. Something will come up like finding one is bipolar and trying to be what others expect is now completely impossible.

Ohhh I hate to hear anyone in such a desparate spot! I just want to reach out to you, hug you and tell you that you are a wonderful person just as you and we are going to figure this out together.