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What do YOU do to get over your suicidal moments?

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Posted 12/18/2006 1:30 PM (GMT 0)
I'm going through my first depressive stage since first being diagnosed as BP II almost a year ago.

I didn't think it was going to be this bad.

I'm dressed to go to the hospital. But here's the thing.

With out healthcare (that Americans think is so wonderful..it aint, trust me)...

I'll be in for a good 6-15 hour wait before being seen, so I'll sit in a waiting room where a bunch of drunks and inmates who've been fighting, and ski-boarders with broken legs will be seen first.

A psychiciatist will just talk with me and tell me to go see my pdoc whom I can't get in to see until January 17th mad

I will just have another black mark against me at work for having taken another day off.

I'm trapped. I don't know what to do. If I take enough Xanax I won't give a crap about anything but be too stoned at work to concentrate.

I'm lost.

 

Posted 12/18/2006 3:06 PM (GMT 0)

I have had a lot of these recently - little things tip me over the edge.

I think I'm quite strange as I usually realise I'm looking at a knife or something so I put things like that away - I make sure there's nothing dangerous in view to temp me , so yes , I have to actually pick them up - I think it might be because I've got used to the feeling and know that it will pass so I just deal with it best I can. I'll wait for others to tell me if I'm weird or not?

I then usually go to a "safe" room , throw some stuff around (make sure the room you choose has nothing dangerous or move the stuff to another room when you are in a well state - this means you will have decided which room you use before you got suicidal) pillows , shoes , etc...

When I've no energy left I just lay on the floor crying while I go through a mental list of  people that would be devastated if I "did the deed". Think hard , think how they will feel , think how much you would hurt them. Have photos in the room to look at if that helps.

Can you still do it? No....all the dangerous stuff is outa sight , you've no energy left cos you used it flipping out in your safe room , and you don't wanna hurt the people you love and who love you. Besides , there is no magic way to do it - and you wouldn't want to suffer either.

When you've realised you're worth something , that you can't opt out and that you have to pick up the pieces and get on with it , do some deep breathing and stretch yourself out.

I don't know if what I've said will help - it's just my way of coping , I think we all have our own ways. It will be interesting to see what other people do.

As for work - you have an illness , you don't do this for the fun of it.

Take care *hugs*

Smiler tongue

Posted 12/18/2006 3:38 PM (GMT 0)
I remember as a teen going to my room and throwing pillow. It really worked!!

Smiler I just had eureka moment with thanks to a fellow BP coworker.

She reminded me of something.

When I was in my hypomanic phase and was going through a 'Diana won't shut up and stop telling strangers her life story phase' my pdoc increased my Seroquel DRAMATICALLY.

That was the EXACT time I started becoming suicidal!!!! sad

It never ocurred to me that my pdoc might be wrong. I guess, being an ex nurse i tend to think they can do no wrong.

I can't get in to see him for another month and a half but i'm going to taper back on the darned Seroquel (and yes, I'm goingto sent him a fax right NOW to warn him...since his secretary selectively gives him messages nono ).

Thanks so much for answering me so quickly. And thanks so  whoever bumped up the 'BiPolar' resources thread.

Because I declared bancruptcy last week I won't be able to make a donation to the board until January, but I sure will. I'm feeling very 'at home' here.  You are so kind. And I've had bad luck with another board that had a real 'know it all' facist attitude.

Thanks again

Posted 12/18/2006 3:40 PM (GMT 0)
I love the idea of having pictures of my supportive friend around.

I'm being stalked by someone who wants to SEE me dead. I keep seeing HER face instead. Sigh. She is 'stealing' my strength and power and has for months. That's part and parcel of my whole suicidal phase. But if I take my own life, God's greatest gift, then she wins. And I WILL not let her win. Ever :)
Posted 12/18/2006 4:29 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Diana, so glad you are doing so much better.. Smiler gave you some really good tips! The pictures are especially good.. helps to keep what is truly important in perspective... Don't worry about making a donation, right now.. you take care of you.. we will be here whenever you need us.. Hang in there and keep smiling!
Posted 12/18/2006 4:49 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Ducky, I'm really trying. I guess everything is hitting me all at once. The disappearance of the man I love and I'm being stalked (for six months so far by his even-more-crazy-than-I-am separated wife (I've had to change my phone number, my email twice, all my IM's) I have a restraining order against her and she's still at it...problem is-she's in the US and I'm not, it's Christmas which used to be my favourite time of year (I'm alone now...I have no family..they've all passed), the Topamax, although it helped me drop 100 pounds, is now rotting the teeth out of my head and I have to get dentures, I have a roommate I utterly despise (who is also a coworker and is right now talking about me to a fellow coworker but not whispering quietly enough that I cant hear...and this broad at 28 is heir to 300K in a few weeks while I just declared bancruptcy last monday!!!), and this newly diagnosed BiPolar II.

On the positive side, the roommate is going to meet her 'boyfriend' who is milking her dry for $, overseas, in a month. I hope and pray they get married and she doesn't come back. I'd love to move out but I cannot afford first and last month's rent right now. That's like $1,500 for a person who just declared bancruptcy last week. eyes   But I just know, living alone would be the best thing for me.


I'm just overwhelmed to say the least.

Posted 12/18/2006 7:11 PM (GMT 0)

Ravenswing-

Having been there 3 times in the past 7 weeks, I can totally relate. I threatened to OD on Halloween. That landed me in a psych unit for a week. Then I really did OD on the 17th of November. I took a bunch of xanax, esgic plus, benadryl and I can't remember what else right now. That put me in the hospital overnight for observation and then they sent me home. We locked up all my meds in a fireproof safe and I have to ask my hubby for my pills. So I went to Walmart and bought Simply Sleep and Benadryl, then I OD'd on them on the 28th of November. That landed me in the ER and had to drink charcoal and some other crap. Yuck! I was in the ER for hours and then the doctor blue slipped me and back to the psych unit I went. I wasn't going to sign the paperwork to go. I called the doctor every name I could think of, I insulted him, I was a brat. I did not want to go back to the psych unit. I wanted to go home. I promised my hubby I'd be good and that I'd see my counselor 3 times a week if he let me go home. But by then it was out of his hands because of the blue slip from the doctor. I was pissed that my attempt didn't work. I was mad at myself for attempting again. I was just plain angry at everyone.

I've been on the survivor end too. I know how my family and friends would feel if I had succeeded. I had a boyfriend kill himself when I was 18 yrs old. He will have been gone 20 yrs in March. It was one of the most devastating things to ever happen in my life.

So now when I think of these acts, I'm trying to remember my friends and family. Do I want them to feel that same way? No, I don't. It's the most selfish act anyone can do. I KNOW this. But sometimes it doesn't make it any easier to deal with things, nor from wishing for things to happen to you.

You have so many people here in your corner. I know I do too. It helps to have this forum to come to and vent and have other "get it". Hang in there, I'm hanging on the branch next to you!

Posted 12/19/2006 3:30 AM (GMT 0)
Oh Ravenswing, you are just in a really rough patch right now! Exiting out of your life won't really solve it. It is very very true that it is always darkest before the dawn. It seems like it is dark enough that dawn should be coming along anytime.

It must just seem that things are coming at you from all sides and all at once. You can come here, you are not alone, talk to us. Don't let your psycho stalker win by doing it for her!

Counseling online is a big no no and besides which, I am not fully qualified as yet. I do read people's posts on this board and I think there is a lot of information to be obtained by how they write what is on their mind. I can spot high flying anxiety and mania real quick. You seem coherent by your typing. You also seem overwhelmed and a little scared, but overall coping to the best of your ability. You want someone or something to help you out of this spot you are in, but I think that is up to you. And, it is up to you just when your resources seem particularly low (bankruptcy, stalker, loss of a relationship). You are stronger than you know and you are more resourceful than you know. If we are never tested, we never know our own strength. This is a test and one I think you can pass with flying colors.

Feel free to email me off the list, I'll listen and I WILL answer back, you have my word. Hang in there babe.
Posted 12/19/2006 5:35 AM (GMT 0)
My doggie keeps me from doing it. I imagine him just laying there with his snout on me waiting for me to wake up and it just breaks my heart. Then I think of people coming to my funeral and I actually can think that they would be saying how much I had going for me and then I want to puke. I can't do it to them either. I think about it all the time though and I'm in jeopardy of losing everything now, including my dog and if I lose my dog, I don't know if I'll make it.
Posted 12/19/2006 11:58 PM (GMT 0)
hopeful...

I guess I'd say, you need to start looking at all the good things you are and how much you do have going for you. I can't see anyone as all bad, I feel like everyone has so many good things to offer the world, if only they are brave enough to let it happen. There was a time when you could not have convinced me, but a lot of excellent therapy helped me out of that hole.

Trust that you CAN dig yourself out of this hole and that YOU WILL do so. Where there is a will, there is a way. It is not the way that is so difficult to find, it is the will. Once you find the will, the way will present itself.
Posted 12/20/2006 1:58 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all so much. I left work early today. Cut back big time on the darned Seroquel. And has that ever helped. I'm actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow.

You'd never know it, but I'm actually and attractive person. I used to be morbidly obese. I'm in the shape of my life. Men actually stare at me instead of through me and if I actually looked for man I could get one now. But my soul mate was in rehab (for alcohol and PTSD) until 4 days ago and without seeing him for 2 straight months (he was not allowed to talk to me) now that he's out he seems to have forgotten me, the boards I met him on, my number and gone back to a marriage he swore he despised to an enormous wife can't get out of bed who abused him, had him arrested, has a whack of kids (3 of which arent his through affairs). It's like he's forgotten the boards, me, everything. As of yesterday, no one knows where he is. period.

That's at the brunt of all this. I meet a man at my age. My first real love. And he has forgotten me, and now...disappeared.

So it's a little more complicated than originally thought.

And yes I HAVE been considering writing a book.

My friends say move on, he's a jerk, he played you. But my guy? This man saw pictures of me when I weighed 120 more than I do now, first, and fell in love with me. Then weeks later saw pics of me now. I've never known unconditional love unitl now. That's why I'm THIS devastated.

I'm not gonna do myself in. You are all so right. So many people would hurt. But this hurts so much it feels like someone ripped my heart out stamped on it then threw it to a shark.

Seechell thanks SO much for opening my eyes to what an overdose really is. No frickin thanks!!!! :)

And LadyDragonfly, whom I feel an attachment to because Dragonflys are my 'symbol' you hit it out of the part when you said this "Don't let your psycho stalker win by doing it for her!"

I just pray she doent read this board, she can't get out of bed so she has nothing else to do but follow me all day (seriously she has sniffer software installed on his computer for months)..... but no WAY will that 'thing' win

God Bless You All

You are just what I need tonite!
Posted 12/20/2006 8:26 PM (GMT 0)
Diana,

Hi there! :-)    I have been in your shoes SO many times. Matter of fact, the day I located this message board, I called my DH at work and told him I was going to go admit myself to the Psych floor. I was just laying there in the tub thinking of ways to hurt/kill myself. Finding this board was a real life saver!

 

I also have my two kids. I have an 11 y/o daughter and a 8 y/o son w/ Cererbral Palsy. I love them more that anything, and that's what I hold onto. I can't imagine leaving this earth and having them think that Mom didn't love them enough to "stick it out!" It's so darn hard! sad

 

I once (well more then once) was so down in the throws of my rapid cycling, that I admitted myself (not saying this is for everyone) to the hospital. I got my meds adjusted and after a pretty long stay, knew I was ready to come home and take care of myself and my family.

 

This isn't for everyone, and please, I hope I don't trigger any negative emotions about this, but I took 3 weeks of ECT. It was both good and bad for me. The best part was, it stopped my suicidal thoughts. The bad thing was that I have lost so much long AND short term memory, that I get down about that. I feel the ECT saved my life though. That's just for my experience. I know a lot of people think badly of it.

 

I hope I have helped in some way. Just know that I am here to "talk" to. I know I am new. I know it will take time for ya all to get to know me, but I come here with the very best of intentions. tongue   I want to share these things, and just perhaps help someone else, while I'm getting help and input from all of you.

 

Best wishes,

Wendy

Posted 12/21/2006 2:50 AM (GMT 0)
THanks Wendy (hug) I have had four miscarriages, no live births. I'm 42 in a cpl of months. The man I love? Well his 'wife' has 7 kids. sigh. not all his of course. i'll never forget the day she emailed me and said 'since you are such a 'f'ing loser and can't carry your own kids why don't you buy a dog you retard'. Nice huh? And one wonder why he (who is also bipolar) tried to kill himself 3 times during their marriage. So I dont even have kids to live for. I have my cat. And a lot of great friends. Right now I'm obsessed with the boyfriend. He's been in rehab. For 9 weeks. He's basically disappeared. At Christmas. What used to be my fave time of year. Now I just want it to go away. I reported my pdoc's secretary to the Mental Health Association today for not giving him messages that patients phone (both our receptionist and I have the same problem). They gave me some great alternatives :) I found some ideas for add on meds on another board so I'm going to talk to someone at a local mental health walk in clinic about it :) So it wasnt a wasted day. But I tell you folks, I love it when I take my meds to sleep, but these days, I hate it when I have to wake up.

I just pray that one day I'll wake up not feeling like that anymore.

Bless you all
Posted 12/21/2006 1:51 PM (GMT 0)

Diana,

For some reason my computer won't let me e-mail you via the board way. I tried...... 

I guess I just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you, and what that man's 'wife' said to you is unimaginable! OUCH! I am a beleiver that what comes around, goes around.

I can't imagine the loss that you must feel re: your miscariges. I lost (3) pregnancies before having my son, and I know. (hugs)

Anyhow, feel free to write to me any time. I am sending happy thoughts your way. Take care & I hope today and a better and brighter day!

Best wishes,

Posted 12/21/2006 10:55 PM (GMT 0)
wouldn't you know it?  i have to be a contrarian.

perhaps it's because of the way i was raised (raised myself), but i don't worry about anybody else when i attempted to commit suicide.  sure, i am conerned with my wife, but when i'm that down i figure she'll be better offf without me.  our daughter, granddaughters and great grandkids wouldn't even know i wasn't there.  out of sight out of mind.  "save" myself for someone else?  makes me want to puke my guts out.

i usually am able to stop myself by realizing that "this isn't you, warren.  you don't do these things."  when i'm down enough to attempt suicide, that is about the only thing that brings me around.  when i'm that down, i don't have the energy to have a good bm, let alone try to wear myself out throwing things.

i'm for from saying that my way is "right" and other ways are "wrong."  the original question was "how do you cope."  i am providing an alternative method of coping.

a few thoughts about your "soulmate."  if he is a cyber buddy, you must remember that the greatest thing about the internet and the worst thing about the internet is "anonymity."  if he is a "cyber friend" he may be flakier than all of us in the website put together.  if birds of a feather, look at his stalker flakey wife.  these are just cautionary thoughts from an old man who doesn't like seeing anybody hurt.

warren

Posted 12/21/2006 11:04 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Warren......

I hope my post didn't offend you in any way. If it did, then I apologize.

For *me* the only thing to keep me going are my kids. My grandmother took an overdose of drugs when I was a little over a year old. I found her. I was only 1, but I will never forget the sight of her being taken away on that gurnie (sp?)

I'm really glad that you are able to think your thoughts through and tell yourself not to be thinking that way. I'm working on that right now. I need to want to be here for me. I need to know that I am worth being around. Does that make sense? probably not. lol

Wishing you a good day. :-)

Wendy

Posted 12/22/2006 10:21 PM (GMT 0)
when i'm depressed and usually feeling suicidal at the same time (i'm not bi-polar but i am getting depression from coeliacs at the moment)

i have two solutions to my depression.

the most relaible although with limited yet consitent(sp?) success is to read something or doing something productive. when i'm down the last thing i want to do is something useful yet i know i'll feel better if i do so i throw myself into some housework or studying!

the second is the most fun! i am an extreme sports enthusiast. i mainly mountain bike, so when i feel really depressed i take to my bike and have a real hard ride. Not only does that channel some of the energy the extreme side is useful too. There are certain aspects of mtbing that are scary and dangerous (this will sound a little badly thought out!) these aspects go well with a depressed moment, i simply attempt something dangerous and if i do it well i get a rush of adrendaline and i feel good about my self for my achievement, combine that with some more health bike thrashing and i'm good for the next few days!
of course the other end may occur and i could fall of and inury myself. To me thats an achievement too! its means i'm trying hard enough and proud of that too, plus theres a whole load of adrenaline that comes from that too!
nothing like living on the edge you let you know that falling off is the last thing you want if you get what i mean!

another thing is a will power one, don't let yourself feed the depression. what i mea is avoid drawing sympathy from people. i at times do this and the more i od the harder it is too stop, like an addcition!

and my last offering of wisdom is in the form of a book and a course. the book is grow rich with peace of mind! its full of positive stuff with a very mild slight connection to amking money. the course is the isa experience, i did it and i spent the next 6 months being seriously positive and happy!


hope i didn't ramble on too much! maybe these ideas will work for you too.
Rob.
Posted 12/23/2006 10:29 AM (GMT 0)
Wow , that's great Rob - really positive stuff yeah
Posted 12/25/2006 9:27 PM (GMT 0)
ok, maybe i gave more than two solutions!

Posted 12/31/2006 2:10 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks everyone. Rob, bingo, thats exactly what I do. I call it comfort books :) I used to weigh 100 lbs more than I do now. And to be honest God bless Topamax. I've never looked so good. people actually STARE at me instead of look past me. Its like along with this curse (the BP II) came a 25 year blessing (wanting to be at my goal weight..I dont know how many times I've been told 'oh you are so pretty if only you'd lose weight). Well, I'm that person, looks wise I've always wanted to be. So I guess there is always a give and take. I don't love my brain chemistry any more, but I love 'me' for the first time. Yep a walking contradiction ;)

I got through the suicidal phase. And books and music played such a huge part of my recovery. Thank you all so so much. I was doing so well yesterday until a freind on MySpace gave me a url of people telling lies about me on other board I used to be on. I was/am devistated. They are saying I am lying about losing four babies to misscarriage. I had to take 4 Xanax, that's how upset I was. I just can't win. And they announced I was BiPolar..without my permission. I have no idea who they found out. And they were laughing it up, lieying. I was devestated and sat at the computer and cried. First of all I know my friend was trying to do me a favour but it just threw me the rest of the day. I think I'd rather not know. I can't believe how much I care about what people say behind my back. I guess its just that I'm not a lier. I have emergency room records for all four miscarriages and why would I lie about something so painful?? I'm just sick.

And it's all due to one woman. And yes this sounds like a soap but it's been my life since June. I met a man online, fell head over heals for each other. It was on a mental and emotional heal board. We talked for weeks then more personal. He NEVER told me he was married. We talked for hours on IM, webcam, then the phone for hours. Then someone on that other board told me, after I posted pics of him, that he was married. I was devistated. He said they were separated. So then his WIFE comes on the board and starts stalking me. She's done so by phone, IM, email. I've had to change everythign at least twice .... for the past 7 months. Right now, he's in rehab. And she's still stalking me. Thank God I changed my number. But now she's found me on another board :(

So I may be relying on you folks a littlemore. So far she doesnt know about this one.

So here I am. In love with a married man, who has been in rehab for 2 months. She's still stalking me. I have two CD Roms of vicious emails...and her police department were so freaked out by the voicemails they put a restrianing order on her.

Here is my question after that huge post....

How can I NOT let this CONTROL my life??? She weighs 400 lbs, is bed bound, in the southern US, thousands of miles away, she has 7 kids (and no they dont all belong to her husband) who take care of each other.

I can't keep running away from every board she finds me on. Doesn't that mean she 'wins'??

How do I stop someone from 'stealing my self-esteem' I KNOW I'm the better person here...just how do I tell that to my brain.

Here is my other question, and I would love to ask this of the BiPolar I men....have you ever fallen in love with someone for 7 months only to have it be a 7 month long hallucination???? I wonder if I've been taken for a ride here. He asked me to marry him, the works...but I wonder if I was some bipolar hallucination or a drunken bad decision. I'll be devasted, but I need to know.

Di
(sorry for the novel...but its actually true)
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