need advice

Please , tell him how you feel. Tell him that you need to take one day at a time , that you need to stay focused on the present as the future is too overwhelming right now.

You need to find a new therapist , so that you can get well. Only when you are well can you start thinking about babysitting again.

Let me know how you go ,

Take care ,

Smiler

i am taking a slightly contrarian perspective here (who would have ever guessed?)  i agree that one swallow doesn't make a summer - this illness puts us all into it fopr the long haul.  by the same token we must all have needs, wants, dsires, and, most important, dreams.

when i was in high school, more yrs ago than you are old, i was playing football (all 137 pounds of me) and broke all the muscles in my left knee.  the dr said i might never walk again.  i told him i would be playing football by the end of the season.  i was in the last game of the season, but never played again.  we compromised.

when i was growing up my birth family was very dysfunctional and abusive.  i swore that i would go to college and get a phd.  i put myself through by working 6 jobs at one time.  i ran out of steam after my masters, again a compromise.

life is full of these ompromises.  but you must have the want, need, desire, or dream in order to make a compromise.

other people won't listen. where have i heard that before?  they don't own you and it's not your responsibility to get them to understand.  it's nice if they do, but it's not a requirement.  as much as ysombpdy loves you or you lov somebody, they can never undersand our illness and what we go through.  it's just not possible.  we are all separae entities.  what you have to do is take the fire out of your attempting to make them understand and for you to be strone enough to do what you know needs to be done.  i know that this is hard, but "god never puts more on us than we can handle."  i know you can accomplish this task.

hope this helps.

warren

some say life is a giant crap sandwich and every day you have to take a bite.  i don't afgree, but wanted to get your attention. 

everyone's life - rergardless od culture - is marked by "rights of passage", or "epiphanies" in which a person's life changers irrovocably forever.  in the usa, graduating from hs is one of these.  marriage is another.  for a woman, and less so for a man, having a baby is one.  for some of us unfortunates, getting a divorce comes to mind as life altering.  for my wife, getting a diagnosis of diabetes and another for cancer were definitely life changing.  in 2001, after a botched epidural steroid injection, i was in so much pain that i was downing a bottle of my opiate pain pills when my wife stopped me (fortunately) and eventually this led to my diagnosis with bp.  this episode changerd my life forever. 

your having this illness means that what was "normal" before will never be again.  yiou can neveer go back.

don't talk to me about life being "fair!"  the first rule that we taught our grandaughters was "don't panick" and the second rule was "life isn't fair."  let me give you some tough love, grow up."  this is said with all of the liove in the universe and with no intention of adding to your burdons.  i want to help, not hurt.  but if life were "fair" we would have affordable health insurance or national health care and congressmen would vote according to the wishes of their constituants rather than according to who donates the most to his/her campaign.  real politik as henry kissinger called it.

i am concerned with your sleeping.  i had the same problem and my pdoc rxed sleeping pills.  i didn't want to add an addiction to my other problems, so asked him if there were an alternative.  he suggested melatonin, 3 mg, an otc food supplement which is the checical in your brain that tells your body to go to sleep. i get it at heb (a grocery store chain here in the south west) or at wal-mart (if you want poor service and helping to make the walton family even richer).  (sorry, i'm also a cynic).  i take it at about 8:00 pm and am ready to go to sleep at about 10:00 pm.  it only helps a little if i am manic or overly excited/stressed.  under usual circumstances, it works extreemly well.  i am asleep within an hour (which is good for me) and wake up around 7 - 9:00 am, depending on how lazy i want to be.

one other thing concerns me from your post.  i'm not a dr or a pharmacist, but i do know that valium are very addictive.  just be careful with you use of them.

oh, yes, two more things.  first, "other people" do not own you or rule you.  if you want to spend A DAY (note that is singular, not plural) sitting and crying, then do it!  there is something healing in crying.  i don't know this from my ownexperience, but i have heard it on good authority.  second, if you had a debilitating physical illness, such as (god forbid!) ms or cancer, would you have the same feelings about "not being able to do?"  i think not.  i also believe that your family and friends would treat the physical illness with more compassion.  odd, isn't it?

sorry for this diatribe.  you asked some tough questions and i wanted to give a complete answer.  hope it helps.

warren

i sincerely appologise if i gave you the impression that some of your beliefs are stupid.  mia culpa mia culpa mia maxima cuilpa.  it's just that you hit a live nerve in this old body.  my 27 yr old grandaughter, for example, will complain about how her ex is treating her and the kids  and blatently cries, "it just isn;t fair!"  grrrrr!  i wamt to shake that child sometimes.  and this girl is very bright ( and that's not said entirely becauise she is mine .

i know how insenmsitive people can be - probably only because i've lived and survived longer than you.  friendships are formed for (among other things) mutual benefit and support.  if this equilibrium is broken, friendships ae are redefined.  god knows that my relationsjip wit my wife has changerd over the past 30-odd yrears!  relationships grow or they die.  because we as human beings are always in a change of flux, our relationships must reflect this growth and change.  from your last posting, it sounds like your former support system had died and may not be able to be resussitated.  not to worry.  i bel;ieve that wehen you look for something in life, like a support group, nature (god?) whatever will provide it.  you alone?  i doubt it.  it doesn't seem to bein the cards for you.  frustration and similar emotions are just  a part of daily life.  it can be fun if you approach it from differing pointsd of view.

god,you hit a spot with wishing for a better world where everone was compasionate and supportive.  in ther jewish tradition every portion of the mishna ends with the phrase "taku" which means "at the end of days we shall know."  i'm not one for hurrying ther end of days, but i do look forweard to this knowledge being revealed.  for right now, i just don't understand how people can be so crass and uncaring,  but that's reality.  we have no choice but to adapt to it or turn it off.  i usually turn it off. 

once, when muy niece was getting married in phoenix we were staying in a very nice (4 red stars) hotel.  i don't walk well and haven't for several years. i was wearing my traveling cloths consisting of shorts and a pull-over t-shirt.  i was also weearing red suspenders.  as i [passed the bar a young man, about three sheets to the wind, shouted at me "do you yodel?"  i ignored the affront and carried on with my business.  the young man was, if anything, persistant and kept at me.  when i had completed my transaction the bar i turned to this "gentleman" and asked "do you fahrt?"  his wife broke up.  i quietly walked out of the bar and to my room.  really, these transactions can become a source of fun and games if you let them.

i have beentold that i'm far from stupid and iq tests have rvealed that i test well for what they ae looking for.  but i. too, ache for a world in which we can al realize that we are all connected to all matter, anamae and inanamit.  the difference between a monkey and a human being is less than 5% of the chromozones.  interesdting thast science is now "proving" what mystics and metaphasicians have been saying for hundreds of years.  we are all all one - and i'll go farther - we all all one wit god in all of his names and depictions.

carry on, my friiend.  live and grow and learn.  god isn't through with you yet.  that's a sobering thought.

hope this helps, at least a little.

warren

I could agree more.

And boy have I felt the same way. I agree I think you are stronger that you think. But I really admire you for your truth

Di