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Posted 1/13/2007 12:01 AM (GMT 0)

My boyfriend was diagnosed with Biploar when he was in his early 20's.  He was married and then sufferred depression during his marriage, his marriage ended as he did not want to be in the marriage and during that time he was diagnosed. He was hospitalized twice.  I met by bf and we dated for about 10 months the relationship was amazing we, were happy, we were always positive and I was positive about him and for him. He called me 10 times a day and always told me he loved me and missed me. During our 10 month relationship he went through some ups and downs with his job but, but in the end he finally found one. He's not quite happy with it but as he says its a means to an end.  One day out of the blue he decided he no longer wants a girl friend and that he needs to be alone. We talked about it, I cried more over it and asked him why he felt this way, he said he doesn't know.  I said what do you mean. He said exactly that again. He said he couldn't understand why he felt the way he did as our relationship was really good, I was the most beautiful girl he dated and we were so compatible.  Since then he rarely speaks to me, gets aggitated when he talks to me and has been moody. His mom says he's moody and usually always is by himself. Doesn't talk or say anything to anyone.  I asked him if hes' stressed and he says no...he's fine and that everything is good. I have been devestated by the break up as we talked about marriage and having kids and everything was great one day and then it was all over the next.  Now he barely speaks to me and gets aggitated if we talk for more then 10 mintues and always wants to get off the phone.  I spoke to his cousin and he stated hes' been very moody and that he doesn't really want to hang out with him and told him exactly that and he doesn't care.  When I tried to ask him why he no longer speaks to me after 10 months of talking to each other 10 times a day and hanging out 4 times a week, he states cuz I don't feel like talking to you and when I do I will call you.   I've been told by his cousin he's had two relationships since his divorce and both ended in 6 months and my relationship is the 3rd.  I'm devestated and love him dearly. We have never ever had one fight always had a good relationship.  Is this typical Bipolar behaviour? If so how can I help my ex and is there a way to save the relationship?

I don't think my ex is taking medication and he is not seeking help.  He doesn't think anything is wrong with him.

Posted 1/13/2007 5:44 PM (GMT 0)

Hi there Optimistik ,

Welcome to Healing Well.

I've read your post a few times now but I really couldn't say , I'm not a professional , and each persons symptoms are different. It may or may not be the BP.

I'm sorry you're being put through this , it's not very comforting to know that he has done this twice before - but I "think" it sounds deeper than just cold feet. Do you know if he has gone straight from one relationship to another?

You say he is not getting any treatment - unfortunately unless things get beyond control , this is his choice. You don't think he's on medication....have you ever asked him/his mom/cousin?

Maybe this job is worse than he's letting on and has dragged him down? I really couldn't say.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help but I don't like to see a post go unnoticed - keep posting here , I'm sure other people will be along with their thoughts. Let us know how you are and what's happening , more info might help us get more of an insight into what's going on.

Smiler tongue

Posted 1/13/2007 11:31 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Smiler for responding.
I'm trying to take it one day at a time, even though its been really really hard for me. I've been trying my hardest not to call him even though I have an urge every single day to do so considering we spoke all the time (I still do on the odd occassion). It's just hard for me to understand how anyone who loves you deeply and spends every waking moment with you decides to end the relationship with no reason as to why other then I don't know why I feel this way. In any case I am meeting up with his mom this week to talk about it with her. She herself said he doesn't go out and just stays home and is very very moody all the time. I really don't know what to think. What hurts me the most is that he tells me its a crapy deal for you and that every relationship you have to take something positive from it. I asked what did you take from me or learn from me. He said trust. He said he always had an issue trusting people or women and with me he learned how to do so. What hurts is that he learned how to trust because of me and made me feel the opposite.

Thank you again for your response it was greatly appreciated. I'll post again soon after I speak to his mom.
Posted 1/15/2007 11:40 PM (GMT 0)
 I just happen to drop in here after reading a couple of things on bi-polar.I actually think my husband of 13 years is.This same thing happened to us.It was out of the blue.He says he don't know why he feels like this.And I have looked at other things over the years.Anyways it is almost the same thing with us....Please take care...I hope you hang in there as I'm doing.His leaving will destroy our son...

Posted 1/15/2007 11:46 PM (GMT 0)
Hey countrygal.. does your hubby think he is BP? Maybe you could talk him into seeing someone so that he could get a diagnosis and treatment... Hang in there, and please keep us posted...
Posted 1/16/2007 1:04 AM (GMT 0)
 No he does'nt ever admit anything is wrong.And he is a really good man.And when he has feelings that are not hisself,he just shrugs it off.He hayes meds of any kind.He grew up having cleft lip,cleft palate surgeries as has our son.If we all have to go to therapy for our son.I know he will go...and maybe they will recognize what I have noticed and help him...Thanks!!!!!!

Posted 1/16/2007 1:33 PM (GMT 0)
That is a good idea.. normally when you go to therapy like that, the counselors will do one on ones with all parties before they do the group.. you should air your concerns then, that way, you can get an unbiased opinion about your husbands behavior.. hang in there and keep us posted!
Posted 1/16/2007 2:14 PM (GMT 0)

Hey there Optimistik - just posting to see how you are , have you spoken with his mom?

Look after yourself ,

Smiler tongue

P.S. To countrygirl - that's a GREAT idea.

Posted 1/16/2007 11:48 PM (GMT 0)

 Thanks guys! I Am hopeing it works out that way because if I bring it up he will not listen,not like if a professional.I read where early on most do not believe their behavior is abnormal...And with him it has been such a gradual thing.He just keeps saying he don't know why he feels this way.I will try to be patient and wait for him to have to join my therapy.After that if he does'nt get help for it.I will talk with his family.I still want him to be okay...

 Optimistik...I would do the same...talk with his mom or family.They don't understand why they stop caring about you...I'm just glad I got as many years as I did.Who knows,maybe if he figures it out he'll get treatment,it might work out.I don't want him to have a lifetime of messed up relationships....Take care

Posted 1/17/2007 12:26 AM (GMT 0)
It's hard to see that something is wrong when you're the one with the illness... Know what I mean? Like me for instance, I think I look the same as I did 5 years ago, however, when I take a picture and compare the 2, HOLY COW do I look different.... Kinda see what I mean? Maybe after going to therapy, he'll start to see it or maybe the counselor may point it out to him.. hang in there, you'll get through this, we'll help you as much as we can... keep us posted..
Posted 1/20/2007 4:20 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Smiler, thanks for checking up on me.  I haven't spoken to his mom yet but we have scheduled to meet up next week.

I'm trying to hang in there.  I still call him every other day to see how he's doing.  Its been hard as he doesn't call me at all and when I call, the calls are pretty short. Sometimes he ignores me.   He still seems to be agitated by my calls, yet out of the blue last week he called me to give me his new cell number which I surprised he did.  Things are still the same.  When I try to tell him I'm here for him and if he needs to talk he tells me stop acting like my shrink.  Don't know why he would say something like that.  I love him dearly and I still tell him that everytime I talk to him hoping he will snap out of it...but its wishful thinking.  All I get from him is you need to move on ...I'm surprised at you that you would be this way I thought you were stronger then this.  I basically told him its not as easy as it is for him to just turn your feelings on an off. I told him I had genuine feelings for him and that it was going to take time for me to get over him.  He just tells me to get over it.  When he tells me things like that I hurts a great deal.

I just recently spoke to one of his female cousins who was shocked that we had broken up and figured I broke up with him.  When I told her that he broke up with me she was surprised.  She said when she saw him last she said she could see that he still loved me.  She also said she really liked me and thought I was really good for him.  Then she told me that her cousin (my ex) has a compulsive nature, one minute he can be obsessed with something and the next he changes his mind completely.  She also stated that she was told by him that he was diagnosed with Bipolar as well.  She's planning to meet with me tomorrow so I can kind of unload about my feelings for him.  I hope that by me telling her how I feel it will ease the pain.

I still wish things were different...the 10 months we were togther was amazing......

I wish there was some way we could help people that we love with Bipolar Disorder.

Hopefully I can get some more information about what is going on with him.....thanks again...

Posted 1/20/2007 10:26 AM (GMT 0)

I hope everything goes OK.

Have you tried texting instead of ringing - I hate talking on the phone most of the time and I seem distant , uninterested or rude which I don't mean to seem , a text is much less invasive - less pressure thinking what to say next and he doesn't have to answer right away , he will feel more in control.

You take care hun , let me know how you get on ,

Smler tongue

Posted 1/20/2007 4:21 PM (GMT 0)
I will try that and see what happens. Thank you.
Posted 1/20/2007 5:24 PM (GMT 0)
 I hope things are going okay with everything optimistik..... :-)
Posted 1/20/2007 5:41 PM (GMT 0)
Keeping my fingers crossed for ya both :-)
Posted 1/26/2007 12:42 AM (GMT 0)
I sound very similar to your boyfriend:  moody, irritable, agitated, don't want to talk, etc.  I was originally diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder but antidepressants didn't help the depression and my anxiety worse so I had to take high doses of Xanax.  After doing some research on my own and talking with my Pdoc, he thought it actually may be bipolar mixed, in which you experience mania and depression at the same time and often manifests itself in moodiness, irritability, agitation, etc.  I, like your boyfriend didn't want to talk to anybody, even my wife.  I was always blowing up at my family.  Since then I have been taking lithium, seroquel and depakote and have been taken off antidpressants as they are known to make this condition worse.  I have been responding ok to the new med combination, I regularly see my Pdoc and my wife and I are in marriage counseling.  I've felt like throwing in the towel at times, but I just keep trying to make things better at home.  I've also gotten a lot of advice from people who have went through a divorce and they assure me that I don't want to do that.  Perhaps someone in your boyfriend's family can convince him to see a Pdoc.  If he does, he may have to bring up the bipolar mixed thing on his own because a lot of people will automatically default to a depression or anxiety dx, when that is not the case.  Take care
Posted 1/26/2007 3:54 AM (GMT 0)
Green Lantern, thank you for taking the time to reply to my situation. I am glad to hear that you are making a real big effort to work things out with your marriage. Makes me feel like there is real hope for me. I hope that in talking to my ex boyfriends family that they can some how convince him to see a doctor. My ex doesn't really talk to me anymore and when I do call him he gets very moody and agiated and wants to get off the phone. Do you have any advice as to how I can handle this in the mean time while his family and I figure out how to handle the situation. Do you have any advice on how to get him to open up and talk about what he is feeling? Also if you don't mind me asking what do you do to make things better, or what does your spouse do to help the situation?
Posted 1/26/2007 6:05 AM (GMT 0)
One of the things that's difficult about this disease is that it generally hits you when you are pretty young (teens or early twenties). During that time there are so many things changing (you, the world, your relationship with your family, friends). It's difficult with Bipolar because your very self of self goes from being top of the world one minute to being at the lowest, lifeless feelings you can imagine. It's hard to tell what the difference between when you are in the middle of a bipolar mood swing, or when you are just acting immature and like a jerk.

If your boyfriend is Bipolar, chances are he is as confused by his own feelings as you are. If he's not Bipolar, and he's just acting like a jerk, then he better smarten up and grow up a little. Because if he doesn't he'll wake up one day and wonder why he let you get away from him!
Posted 1/26/2007 2:38 PM (GMT 0)
It seemed like he was confused at the time when he ended things as he kept telling me he didn't know why he felt the way he did.   Thereafter he just totally distanced himself from me 100%.  He just did a 180 where by he loved me 100% one mintue and now he can't seem to have a conversation with me let alone see me.  Perhaps he is being a jerk.  This is really hard to deal with.  Is there anything I can do to help the situation.  I've tried to let him know I am there as a friend and I'm trying to help him every way possible with his job situation as in finding a better job.  But he won't take any help from me.  What do I do I care way to much.
Posted 1/30/2007 9:05 PM (GMT 0)
We talk about it.  I tell her when I'm stuck in the peed off at everything all day mood and she tells we when I'm being an ass on an otherwise good day.  We talk about ways to work around the days when I'm mired in the bad moods.  We talk about what things put me in a bad mood and we try to avoid those things.  We go to counseling.  She gives me time to myself to unwind at night.  Just little revisions in the schedule of life that keep me in balance. 

Post Edited By Moderator (smiler) : 1/31/2007 4:27:24 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/31/2007 3:42 AM (GMT 0)
Its nice to hear that the two of you are trying to make an effort to make things work.  Unfortunately for me things are not working out for my bf and I..he just doesn't talk to me anymore..won't pick up my calls or respond to my e-mails or talk to me on msn.

Smiler in answer to your early question, does he go from one relationship to the next.  No he actually takes a break for a while and then starts up dating again after a few months.  In speaking to his cousin...he basically told her its over.  He just felt that something wasn't right but hasn't told anyone what that was.  I guess there is nothing I can do but move on. Let him be.  :(

Posted 1/31/2007 1:35 PM (GMT 0)
So sorry to hear that Optimistik.. how are you holding up?
Posted 1/31/2007 2:15 PM (GMT 0)
Not holding up to well. I still love him very much.  It has been really hard. I'm 100% stressed out all the time. 
Posted 1/31/2007 3:17 PM (GMT 0)
I know it is so much easier said than done.. so sorry you are going through this.. stay strong, we are here for you.. have you tried talking to him at all?
Posted 2/2/2007 3:33 PM (GMT 0)
I have tried to speak to him but he rarely picks up my call and if he does he just gets aggitated.  I spoke to him about two days ago once again to let him know that I love him dearly and that I care for him and that if he needed anything I was there.  I also let him know that we could have been really good together.  He basically laughed at me and said can't believe your still thinking about it. He also said if I dated someone else would you feel hurt I said yes and he said well then don't call me for about a few months until you can deal with it.  So in saying that I guess its time I left him alone.  He refuses to take any help from me what so ever as far as a job is concerned or anything else. He has missed out on so many good opportunities. 

I spoke to his female cousin last night and she said he was doing better then when we originally broke up and that he stated he did not want to date anyone at the moment, when she brought up the fact that she really liked me. We spoke about my last conversation with him and that I was going to give some him space.  She agreed that would be a good idea and that maybe he would realize what he was losing.  She also stated that this is typical behaviour for him and that she felt I could do so much better then him as she always did when we first started dating.  She also stated that he has never been able to stick to anything.  He has not been able to maintain a job or a relationship all his life.  She thinks he seems to get bored and moves on to the next person.  She also told me that when he was married he caused a lot of stress for his ex wife and that his ex supported both of them by working and going to school.  She tried to make the relationship work but she couldn't.  Again since then he has dated a few people but it never worked and he just let them go after a few months. I was the longest relationship he had since his ex. Everyone thought it would work as he expressed so much love for me and they all thought I was a really positive influence on him.   She also stated that she never knows if what he is telling her is 100% truthful.  

I don't know for sure if he truly has Bipolar Disorder.  What I know is what he had told me and what his male cousin told me which was he was diagnosed.  Alot of his behaviour seems to match that of the disorder but then again this could be him in general.  Either way I love him dearly and will still be there for him if he ever needs.   I still pray that things will work out for us eventually as I hoped that my love and support would help him stay on the right path.  Sigh...i'm hurting...love is definitely blind...

Post Edited (Optimistik) : 2/2/2007 6:16:47 PM (GMT-7)

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