New and need to talk

Hi!  I was diagnosed with cyclophmia a year and a half ago and was given all kinds of drugs.  Today, I don't take any.  The doctor didn't want me to stay on them indefinitely.  Sometimes, I really feel I need them and other times when I'm feeling good.  It's hard when most of your life is going good but you just feel unhappy, sad and depressed.  I can't explain it to my husband because, even though he would try, he would not understand.  I hate going through most days feeling that I would rather die than go through life feeling so much pain.  I look at my 2 kids and wonder how I can feel this way when I have them, which I love more than life itself, & feel guilty.  Does anybody know what I'm talking about?

My doctor had me on lithium, lamictal, something to help me sleep, something to calm my "rage" moods and Klonopin wafers. See, I knew my whole life that I was not "normal" because I had feelings at a very young age that I didn't want to live because it was too hard. My moods would swing so bad at times that I knew it couldn't be normal. However, I was never really that bad that anybody really knew. I hid it from everybody. Plus, with all the things that were happening in my family (divorces, alcoholism, custody fights, etc.), nobody noticed. I put myself in counseling by the age of 19 and stayed with it for 5 years. However, I was never really truthful with her so I don't know if she knew how bad I was. I tried other counselors later on in life and it just never seemed to make a difference. My moods got really bad about 2 years ago when my husband told me he was being sent to Iraq. I had a 1 and 1/2 year old at home and was pregnant with my second. Plus, we had major, major, major house issues at that time. Then, I started having work problems, and not because of me. I went to see a Therapist and a psychiatrist and finally I seemed to be getting help, real help. I had some relief when he diagnosed me because I finally felt that I wasn't imagining it.

I was fired from my job early last year and knew that the new insurance I was going to be using was not going to cover my therapist and psychiatrist. I figured I was better and frankly, I didn't want to look for new doctors and start my story all over again. I am now a stay at home mome, which I love, but I still have my mood swings at time. It would be really hard to find sitters for them while I attend sessions with doctors, plus, I really don't have the money for all the copays. Since I don't see them, I can't get refills for my meds, so I don't take them.

Anyway, that's my very short story of my life. Obviously, I'm having a down mood right now. I just really needed to talk to somebody who would know what I was feeling. My main worry at this moment is money and it is preventing me from getting to sleep. I'm just sooooo tired of hiding my feelings.

So, you really like this forum? Does it really help you?

Thanks Ducky! Actually, today, I am much better. I guess I'm recovering from my down period. It helps that my husband is home today. (He went through 8 months of training in the states and then was in Iraq for 10 months. He got home in Nov. of 2005.) Plus, we are going to a Superbowl party today at my sister's. I talked with my husband today too about how I was feeling, which always helps. He is very supportive with everything I do.

But, I am too nervous to tell him about my occassional thoughts of suicide. I don't know if he would understand. Most people don't or wouldn't. I have had thoughts of not wanting to live since as far back as I can remember. That's a long time. My docs are not surprised. They say that I'm not as suicidal as I think. More that I just want the pain to go away. I always knew I needed help when I would start planning out how I would do it. I'm not at that point at all. I just think life is so hard what's the point. At times, I feel bad for my kids because of all the hard ache they are going to have to deal with. My kids are what keep me going though. I would not want them to grow up without a mother.

Anyway, thank you for your responses. I am a little disappointed that I didn't get more responses but oh well.

Are you supposed to be having Lamictal at gradually increasing doses?

Hi Shorty's girl/Dawn. I'm glad to meet someone with the same thing as me. Hopefully, we will become friends through this and help each other.

Smiler - I'm assuming you were asking me the question regarding the Lamictal, right? If so, after I got fired from my job, I couldn't remember to take my meds on a regular basis so I was kinda slowly reducing my meds until I stopped all together. So, I didn't have any withdrawals.

Seechell - remember, there is never a dumb question. Cyclothymia (excuse me if its spelled wrong) is very similar to bipolar except the manias are generally not as extreme. You can think of it as very bad, bad mood swings (happy, sexual, upset, depressed, wild, etc.) that you get all in one day. Because your moods are swinging all day long, you feel like a crazy person. I used to say to people that if I was in a good mood in the morning, I knew I would be in a bad/depressed mood in the afternoon. Not to say that you can't be in a depressed mood for days, but generally they last, at least for me, anywhere from an hour or 2 to most of the day to three or four days at a stretch. Then, I generally move onto the next mood swing, like feeling like I'm on a high.

Thanks for the responses. I hope to hear from all of you again.

The thing that works for me on a quick basis is the klonopin wafers. They work within an hour. They always calm me down. I would call your doctor and suggest that to him. See what he says. He might suggest something better. Please try to stay calm. Take a hot bath or read a book or do something that relaxes you, if you can. My kids are little - 4 and 2 and 1/2, but frustration from kids is the same, I guess, whatever the age. I was so angry/frustrated with my daughter, before I went to a psychiatrist and found out what I had, that I had an overwhelming desire to shake her. I did one time but I didn't shake her very hard. I was able to just stop myself. That's what really got me to the docs because I wasn't sure if I could stop next time. I know its a pain in the you know what to call the docs but if he can give you something to calm you, it will be worth it. Not try recreational drugs or alcohol becuase that gives you another whole set of problems. I know. My mom is a recovering alcoholic. I'm here for you. I'll just back in an hour or so. Hang in there.