Bipolar and Infidelity

These are very interesting posts and I check in here from time to time.  Thank you for your honesty.

I am the wife of a BP who, 7 years ago when everything hit the fan, was finally dx'd.  The money was gone, the house was gone, the marriage was gone......3 years of an affair finally revealed.  I stayed for some reason, quit my job to take over business and finances, went to therapy, alone and with him, worked really hard to keep my head above water emotionally, physically and financially.  The debts are paid (after 7 years of living hand to mouth), marriage still intact, he's on meds that are working for now and keeping on schedule with psych., life is better (as long as I don't dwell on the affair).  It would have been much easier to walk away and I commend those of you who stay and at least try to work things out.  I'm glad I did.  Things aren't perfect but who has a perfect marriage?  And I still have problems when I see "her" driving down the street (She was a friend of mine) and want to ram her car.  I recently went back into therapy for myself.  I have a lot of anger issues concerning the affair.  Istill see the highs and lows in my husband but they aren't the same as before.  He tries really hard to not let himself "get into a loop" and has been very successful at recognizing this kind of thinking.  I love him and I'm proud of him and the way he chose recovery. 

I think you guys are great!  Your truthfulness gives hope to countless others.  Boo

You sure don't want to hear any of my insights(lol).  We'd celebrated(?) our 25th wedding anniversary just prior to my finding out about everything.  I still have good days and bad days.  But like I said before, I really do try to focus on not getting into the "loop".  My thinking can create turmoil where none exists.  My husband is a good man with a disease.  I do understand what you said about things not being the way they were before.  I look for ways in which they are better.  Sometimes I even have to physically make a list with pen and paper.  Just please hang in there.

Hey Boo- thanks for sharing. Your not taking space with your posts, I guess thats why we are here. Its all good to hear from survivors, how they cope, how they lived. The more wisdom I can gather from others on these and many subjects gives me strength. My gal is a wonderful woman, smart, crafty, charmer and a looker to top it. As you know she posts here as well. We have come a long way from the dark ages, and she is doing fine- found good meds, works pt, and found a side project that could make money. All of our ducks are in place, and I'am doing my part as a husband, bread winner, and I'm wanting to move up to a new level- but....., I guess now in my life I'm wanting to reach goals that are so causing sleepless nights, new home, financial security, sex life, and a kid! Does everyone reach a level that is healthy, but stays just at that suitable level? I want to begin a new chapter, and she does too, but we are suck> Do you think I should see a shrink? Am I being unrealistic about stepping up? Or should I be happy with the way our life is?

Thanks, I guess things could be worse. I'm my worst enemy when it comes to measuring a degree of happiness. I'm always looking to older wiser folks to get answers about life and bp marriage.

I know- its not all gloom and doom here either, dont get me wrong- I would have left a long time ago.
You might be right, the disease has caused a higher attention- just trying to make it passed the pains of old- and get to a place we both can feel content. Even if she says things are great, the uncertainly of learned BPD is in my system and makes it hard for me to rely on that. Count my blessings, Im sure we all do.
My gal is wow too- wild opportuntistic woman

Sir William and Racketball, just checking in and wondering how you're doing. Boo

Hi, I am a newbie to this site and my husband of 26 years was just diagnosed last week with BP. I have read through the posts here and oh, my Lord, I understand everything that I am reading!! My husband (48) is manic most of the time but cycles through depression about once a week, lasting briefly. I (45) am overwhelmed with learning about BP because it is my husband to a tee. I look back on our life together and realize he had BP symtoms even when we got married. In fact, our courtship was fast and furious, we were in love, got married in 6 months of meeting each other. I've always believed we were brought together and he is the love of my life! I've lived through so much confusion and angst; I always blamed myself and he did, too. I teach emotionally impaired children (by the way, very intelligent, not cognitively impaired whatsoever) and I just kept adjusting and adjusting. We have four very bright, beautiful children, whom always knew their dad was a bit quirky but he was a great dad. Now the children are 20, 22, 23, and 25 and my husband has gone off the deep end, so to say. 15 months ago, he told me he needed to make up his mind to leave me for a woman he met on the internet or stay with me and the kids. I about died. Literally, I contemplated suicide. Thank God I came out of that pit but it has continued on for 15 months. He has had one emotional affair after another on the internet. Last November, he began testing the waters at the office. He finally found a willing woman in his office and has been having an adultrious affair since Feb. He's left and come back 10 times. Each time crying and confessing his love for me and wanting to desperately make our relationship work. And each time, my heart broke, and I took him back. He kept seeing her and I fianlly said, "no more". He lies and lies, decieving himself, me, our children, our friends, family, and even the other woman. Apparently they have screaming matches because she cannot stand me, his wife. He has professed his love openly to me and he says he tells her he "can't leave his wife because I love her dearly." Nothing makes sense to me until now. He has BP. We have been seperated for almost 3 months. I have filed for divorce and served him. He's still telling the kids, "Your mom and I are trying to work things out." I'm still dealing with getting myself healthy.

We were married young, 19 and 22 years old. We loved each other fiercly. Now that I look back, it has been about 4 years now that I recognize a profound change in him (and probably longer as we suspect). He has always had feelings that coincide with BP but he could never put a finger on why he was feeling the way he had and is. I had always wondered about my husband and had often thought that he had some syndrome or another but he was an absolutely wonderful man, and worked so hard for myself and his family. We were strong until recently it seems he was unraveling at the seams. To make a very long story short, he is still continues to spiral out of control and is on a path of distruction, but since finding out about BP and being diagnosed by our psychologist, it is as if a lightbulb has gone off in my head!! Of course! Please don't condemn me for not using my profession on my husband... it was the absolutly last thing that crossed my mind. I thought it was "my fault" as he was so convincing. We just had a conversation, as we still spend a great deal of time together, and are both amazed to find some kind of answer. At least we now can take some action instead of circling and cycling. He seems to almost be relieved to have some hope, though he continues to cycle. He sees his psychiatrist tomorrow for the first time. Years of confusion, hurt and a horrific amount of pain was like journying to Hell's gates and back, not once, but several times! I still love him and see the depths of his soul; I see the man inside he once was and I believe in him ever so much.

What do I expect now? We are headed for divorce, he can't give up his girlfriend and I can't allow that to be part of my life. Like I read in one post, he wants us both. He says he doesn't love her, knows he's using her, but doesn't want to give her up as an option if I divorce him. She is extremely unhealthy herself (her husband says he's been trying to get HER BP treated for years and she refuses), and I'm afraid his reckless behavior will distroy him as it almost did me.

Thank you for your support. I just can't tell you what it means to know I'm not losing my mind!!

Belle

My

Nice to meet you Boo And thank you for your reply. I also was shaken to read so many stories like my own. What a blessing to know that I'm not alone!

I have been in therapy for a year. It has taken that long to get to this point. My husband goes to his own psychologist. We've been in counseling together off and on for aver a year. Recently, we've seen his psych together for about a month. My husband is finally coming to some reality and realizes something is wrong inside of him instead of blaming everything externally including me. He still feels very overwhelmed with the house, lawn, pool, and his job. We make a six figure income but our debt is overwhelming because of spending habits and his insatible need for "things" to make him happy. We have it all, so to say, but he is enjoying none of it. We are both professionals, yet he has mucked up his job and reputation at his work because of his affair with the OW, who works in the front office at the service window. I have come along way in relationship to where I was a year ago, 5 months ago, and even 3 weeks ago. The OW is younger but also has a seven year old daughter. She is seperated from her husband but still married, also. She worships the ground my husband walks on. She is only a clerk while my huband is in administration. He has told me he is afraid she will go ranting and raving to management and he will could lose his job. He wants to let go of her slowly so she will be let down softly. He has "called it off" with her a dozen times, once right in front of me on the phone. Letters have been written etc. , etc., yet he continues to lie to her and make things up to see her again. I realize his relationship with her is totally unhealthy and that she is very ill herself. I do handle myself with dignity and force myself to rise above the situation. I am also a Christian and my faith has helped to sustain me. I know she tells him aweful things about me, he's told me many things. That is one thing my therapist just doesn't understand; my husband wants to tell me details that a wife just shouldn't hear. He unloads his other life to me and I don't know why. I suspect it has to do with some form of control, so now I calmly tell him, "It's none of my business." He calls me to say good morning, calls 2,3,4, times during the day, and then wants to come over after work. He calls to say good night as well. Then there are days when I don't hear from him at all. He says he forces himself not to call me; he "needs space." This gets me to thinking and that's when I need to keep my emotions in control the most. It's difficult.

I have been working on myself and realize that I need to get healthy. I've been changing and growing so much! I'm proud of myself for coming so far! He sees my changes (both physical and emotional) and says he realizes he has way too much to lose. He's afraid he's going to lose me to some other man who'll come laong and sweep me off my feet. I'm just not ready for that! Those are his clear days. Then there are his manic days where he just goes a hundred miles an hour, has no time for anything or anyone, and is too busy doing this and that to talk, see his children, or take time for himself. He talks often about taking time for himself, to be alone and think things through. He hasn't done this once even though he has talked about it every day. The OW is very controlling and dictates his life. This must be something he feeds from because some days he thrives on the dictation on his life (I sometimes wonder if the OW hasn't become his personal activities director) but then I hear how he can't stand to be told what to do and she's a controlling *****. This is part of BP, isn't it.

Learning about BP has changed my life. In my profession, I see it in the children I teach and work with. Why has it taken me by complete surprise to see it in my own husband? I feel so foolish, and even shake my head because I completely missed it or considered BP symptoms in my own husband. I can be gentle with myself and say because "It's just his quirkiness and I love him so." He had so many terrific qualities, but I see how he has changed and how BP has been raging quietly but now out of control. If someone told me ten years ago that I'd be going through all of this now, I would have said never in a million years! I know we have so very much to go through, from personal self discovery to the realization of BP and recognizing its presence. It truly is a long journey ahead and I'm not sure about all of my feelings. I do know that we talked last night and I am willing to be his teammate to recovery and dealing with BP. I struggle with his infidelity and am in agreeance with you Boo; I will not share the "throne" with another woman. I am very vivacious and outgoing. I have been a strong and faithful wife. My husband tells me often how much that means to him (hard to take because he seems to not respect me in that area) and how special that makes me to him. Do you think he's sincere? And why wouldn't he consider his own faithfulness to me? This is where it gets tough for me; his double standards. I keep calm, and deal with him tenderly. I've been told by many that I'm enabling him to carry on. I should boot him out of my life forever. What do you think? I'm giving him my support and knowing him best, I truly feel this is the right way; patience, kindness, understanding, and staying clam. Firm but calm. I also realize this is my personality, and I've considered being much more aggressive. I've laid my boundaries (and reevaluate them daily). What works best for BP? Agressive or gentle? Do I force issues on him or let him discover from his own heart and head?

Ok, I've talked your ears off! Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks to all!

belle