last day of school.

Most would be feeling rather relieved but I'm left with feelings of contemplation, sadness but most of all 'what to do next?'. My best friend is graduating, and my other best friend graduated in the middle of the year {she had to do an extra half year, semi complicated story but not really}. They're the only people I want to associate with and they're the only people I DO associate with out of school, I'm with them basically every day and there's nothing we don't tell eachother..

I hate this feeling of confusion.

Why can't anything ever be simple. I claim to strive for what's easiest yet end up with chaos and actually like it when it's happening. It's disgusting. My worst fear is being figured out.. that I'm not who I am. I don't even know what I mean by that because I don't even know what that would be.

My head is such a mess.

I see my psychiatrist/therapist today {he does both}. currently I'm on 25mg of seroquel 3x a day {75mg total}, 25mg of naltraxone a day, &topamax 50mg 2x a day. I have a love/hate relationship with medicine. I've been on concerta, klonopin, prozac, lexapro, risperdal, lithium, trileptal and abilify. antidepressants leave me suicidal. concerta {first medicine I was ever prescribed, not even by a psychiatrist, left me feeling manic with racing thoughts}, klonopin made me drowsy and zombie like. I was on trileptal and abilify both for a little more than a year, I feel they might have helped me for the short term but I don't know maybe I built up a tolerance? risperdal and lithium made me fat. lithium had horrible side effects. ick. Who knows. I'm almost 16. my developmental system is probably so screwed up from starting medicine at 13, that's just what I'm thinking. especially emotionally.

If I ever go in the hospital again I'd probably go in residential, as it would be my sixth time. I went in twice this year, once last year, and twice in eighth grade. Ew I sound really dumb.

sorry for this being so long and just.. boring.

If anyone ever needs to talk to someone please reply to me or something!

(:

-col

Reason for Edit:

 

I have taken 1 line out of this post for violation of rule #1 No discussion of any illegal activity. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm).

Post Edited By Moderator (olivia of course) : 6/13/2007 10:12:18 PM (GMT-6)

thanks for the reply (:
there's around 60 students in the highschool I go to.. it's in a therapeutic setting.. there's a school clinician assigned to each 8 or so students which we call a homeroom. there's group therapy every day. and really small classes. each kid meets with their clinician whenever they need to, to have sessions and whatnot. every person in the school has an IEP and the teachers/aides are really nice and it's a friendly enviroment, like yesterday the last day we had a slideshow and a luncheon and that makes it even harder going for the summer.. but what ever man bc I'm going to summer school in like 3 weeks! lol. for 7 hours a day. and I live basically 4 min away. I'm ridiculously close w/ my school clinician as well.
Today is my last day in I have a new york state test {regents}. kind of sucks.
thanks for reassuring me about meds. my worst fear is that when I'm like 18, no one is going to hand it to me anymore and I'll be like 'oh well I don't need to take it'. because I take 2 pills in the morning, 1 in the afternoon and 2 at night and it's kind of going to be a pain to remember on my own, but I've been doing this for 3 years so far so whatever lol.

one thing to look forward to is I'll be 16 on the 16th {saturday} so.. that's cool I guess. I'm seeing wicked w/ my parents on broadway hehe
thanks so much for your reply
have a great day.
-col

Nope, haven't read wicked but I love broadway and the music so I'll most likely think it's good. My parents are usually supportive in my therapy and whatnot but not thrilled with the toll depression takes on me but whatever that's a different story. I was adopted at 3 months old, my birth mom was a schizophrenic. I'd love to talk online, do you have aim? If so reply back or something
-col

The easiest way that I can think of to remember the pills is to correlate it with something. Like the morning pills can be taken with breakfast or as soon as you get up. The night time pills have to be taken before going to bed no matter what. Just make it a part of the routine, like brushing your teeth. I think the hardest thing would be to remember the afternoon med. Maybe you could take it after work or getting out of class, or whatever event you have in the evening. I just take my meds at night so it is easy for me to remember.

Maybe you can talk to your parents and ask to have more control over taking the meds on your own. Just start with gradual changes and work to build their trust. If they are really concerned they could always count the pills for a while to make sure you take them. This way by the time you move out you will be used to taking the pills on your own.

When I was 19 I was first diagnosed with bipolar. I had things going on since I was 15, but it never really got diagnosed. Anyway when I was 19 I didn't really believe the diagnosis. I went off the depakote after about 5 months. It took my psychologist about 4 months to notice as I didn't have an episode right away. Strangely enough my psychologist told me that since I had been fine for 4 months that I must not have bipolar, and didn't need the meds. This was the reassurance that I was after, however this person was so wrong.

I was fine for about 11 months and then just crashed. I has a really bad manic episode and I barely finished that semester of college. I was unstable and severly depressed for months. The worst part was that I knew none of it would ever had happened if i had stayed on my meds. I knew the disease wasn't my fault, but it was my responsibility to take the meds. After that episode I will never go off the meds ever again. The good part is that I have been stable for 4 years on the same mood stabilizer. My best advice to you is just to stay on the meds.

Okay cool, my aim screen name is numerical lies so feel free to add me and i-m me (: