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Posted 6/7/2007 5:28 PM (GMT 0)

I'm here to get some advice concerning my (ex)boyfriend. I met him a couple of months ago and on the first night we went out we had a great time. Towards the end of the date he got distant and cold. I didn't understand why and so I left. He ended up calling me a few minutes later to tell me he just had a weird feeling but that he wanted me to give him a second chance. And so I did. Things from that point on were hot and heavy. He is the nicest, most thoughtful, considerate, giving, loving, intelligent, and incredibly funny guy I have ever known. I was hooked. He was hooked. He showered me with gifts, asked me to move in with him, told me he loved me, I was the coolest girl he'd ever met, etc...you name it. I felt so lucky to have met this man who posessed all the qualities I had only ever dreamed about.

 On a few occasions, he seemed to sink into a low. Everything would be fine and then it was like a thought he had would trigger a quietness about him, a sadness. We got all dressed up one night and went out to eat. As I was having a conversation he abruptly interrupted me and asked me what I would do if things were to change. He said he was on a spiritual path and he doesn't know how things will be oneday with us. He told me it was an ego thing he was dealing with  I told him that I wasn't looking that far in advance and asked why he was say that at such an awkward time. He could see I was visibly upset. I told him I was going to change the way I viewed us as because I didn't want to have false ideas of us being together long term. I got over it, and we had a good time anyway. From that point on he showered me with love. I always had in the back of my mind that conversation but I ignored it because I didn't know what he was talking about. He was very open to me about past experiences in which he said he saw his angel and spoke to him on a regular basis. He even knows the name of his angel. I was intrigued with his ideas when he speaks of spirituality. He is very spiritual and seems everything he talks about always has a spiritual undertone. I think I get carried away with his talk of spirits, oneness, duality, higher consciousness, perceiving reality as physical. I was interested as I am a spirtual person as well but I have never heard of such faith in a person. He seems so knowledgable and assured. I started to become a believer too. Although I thought his beliefs were more extreme than what I was used to, he had so many awesome qualities that I just overlooked it.

I went to his house last week to hang out. We had a few drinks and all of sudden he became weepy. We were having such a good time, laughing, playing, and getting carried away and then in an instant he started to cry. As usual, he blamed it on his ego and spiritual growth. He told me it was a good thing. The next day he didn't want to see me. Although we talked throughout the day on the phone/text, he refused to see me. The next day, he couldn't wait to see me. I hung out with him, had a good time, talked about his spiritual growth, and then he broke up with me. He told me I was perfect and I didn't do a single thing wrong. It was him and how he didn't feel whole. He said he didn't want me to be effected by his moods. I felt almost like, "How dare you make me fall in love with you and then take it all away because you think you know what's good for me!" We talked, and talked, and talked about what he was going through. He's always sleeping, has no motivation, and doesn't want to know anything of what's going on in the world around him.I decided to be distant and try to move on after reading some threads about other girls who had bipolar boyfriends who would constantly change their mind. Many of them said to run. As I tried to detach and he sensed it, he called me upset and crying. He insists that we stay close but he just can't be with anyone. He stays in contact with me all day just like when we were together. It almost seems like he doesn't want me to move on but doesn't want me completely. He still tells me he loves me. When I stop talking to him he gets extremely upset afraid I'm going to run. One minute he's telling me he doesn't want to be physical with me anymore and the next minute he says he wants to be all over me. In our talks, he asked me what I thought was wrong with him. I told him I have never experienced this type of thing but it sounded like he was depressed, possibly bipolar. He said, "there is no pill that is going to fix this! I am not depressed or bipolar. It is all spiritual and I've been going through it all of my life." I feel like he is in denial. He cries everyday. He tells me everyday how he feels so much doubt and suffering. But he thinks that everything can be healed with the mind.

 He drove over an hour yesterday to take me to lunch. I hadn't seen him him since we broke up. The sparks were still there. I could see it in his eyes. It was so nice to feel like we were back on track. We do all the same things we did as a couple but he insists we cannot be together because of his problem. I didn't care that he has a problem. He asked me why I was still hanging around when anyone else would run? Which leads me here....why am I still sticking around when he's trying to tell me it could potentially get worse? How do I convince a person who "knows it all" because he says he's been through experiences that I cannot even fathom, spiritual of course. Last night he told me how he used to see Lucifer and various forms of Lucifer. It did freak me out. I asked him if he thought they were hallucinations. He says it's real and is completely convinced he is special in a way that he gets to see these things.

If anyone has a similar experience, advice, or input, I would appreciate it. I'm so torn, confused, bewildered, and in love. I don't want to turn my back but I don't want to set myself up for further heartache

Posted 6/14/2007 1:10 AM (GMT 0)
alotlikecherry,

First, I would like to welcome you to the HealingWell family. I am happy that you found us and I hope that you find the support you are looking for here. I am really sorry that you are going through a hard time, I hope things get better with time.

It's really hard to say if your ex-boyfriend is bipolar or not, he has some traits, but I can't trully tell what he has. He should probably have a psychiatrist or a trained professional diagnose him, and I do not want to give you any misinformation.  I am hoping that things get better for you.

Hang in there, and know we are here for you.  :-)
Posted 6/19/2007 8:17 AM (GMT 0)
I am going through the exact same thing and would love to talk about the stuff i'm going through with you maybe we can help each other through this
Posted 6/20/2007 5:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hi and welcome.

What kind of experiences have you gone through with this person? Spiritual? Changes mind constantly?

 

Posted 6/21/2007 4:43 AM (GMT 0)

MountainDude,

Welcome to the HealingWell family, I am happy  that you found us.  I hope that you find the support you are looking for here.

Posted 6/21/2007 9:55 AM (GMT 0)

alotlikecherry said...
Hi and welcome.

What kind of experiences have you gone through with this person? Spiritual? Changes mind constantly?

Well the relationship was perfect for about a month, things actually went pretty slow, (slow for me anyway) but they progressed very fast as far as talks about the future, "oh I miss you so much when I don't get to see you" and she was very consistantly with calling me about the same exact times each day, and even text messaging me almost every morning a "good morning sweety". We connected right away, she acted like she wanted to see me all the time, she was planning weekend trips places, and we were very comfortable around each other. We had even gotten to the point where on the weekend we would just sit around and listen to music and talk about everything under the sun and cuddle and go to sleep.  We had sex about 3 weeks into it, and it was very good, very romantic. She lit candles, put on music. But right afterwards, she began talking about marriage and having babies, that her biological clock was ticking. And she could see herself having children with me, etc.  She asked a very odd question though, she kept asking "what would you do if I got pregnant?" "would you run out on me?"  "would you be willing to spend your life with me" almost like trap questions, I almost felt like any answer wouldn't be the right one, it really put me on the spot.  (That was the first time I really felt like she might have some commitment issues or something in the past she hadn't told me.) 

Well one weekend was a little off, she acted weird, kinda distant, extra moody, and as if she didn't want to see me, or was very interested in what i had to say, or even seeing me at all. As if she was having second thoughts in other words.  Well she kept saying "let's hang out this night, I don't feel well."  And when that night would roll around she would break plans and say "i'm tired I think i'm going to bed early, I'm having a bad headache."

Well things went downhill from there, we saw each other a few times after that, then the phone calls started dwendling and then completely stopped.

I tried calling a few times, left messages and to no avail.

I finally text messaged her "is it over"  then she replied and said, "i've been really busy at work, i'm not ignoring you"

well an entire weekend went by after that without one phone call or text message.  And then i started getting worried that maybe there was another guy or something, i was desperately trying to pin her down with some direct answers as to what happened and why stop in communication.

I finally  had to resort to calling one of her friends that I hardly knew for answers.  Well that was the straw that broke the camel's back. The friend "played dumb" acted like she hadn't really talked to my girlfriend in a while, and when she did that she hadn't let on like anything was wrong.  Well I apologized for bothering her and hung up the phone.  Well ironically one day later my girlfriend ended up calling me and we had an excellent conversation. But the next day my girlfriend went to dinner with that friend and of course the friend confessed that I had called.

Well my girlfriend called me not really in a temper, but not pleased that I had called friend. She said that she didn't think she wanted to be in a relationship anymore and that she still wanted to talk to me and hang out with me, but really need a break. Well we've talked on the phone twice since then. And that has been about 3 weeks ago.  I'm heartbroken. I had a lot invested in the relationship in a short time, I really had my hopes up that this was the one. She  made me feel soemthing I haven't felt in years.  I'm not sure what to do, she did call me last weekend and said she wanted to see me, but then she broke plans twice and hasn't  called since.

Now with all this said she never once mentioned the fact that she had bi-polar. She had made comments about a doctor a few times. "oh i have to call my doctor, theres soemthing wrong with my medicine, I think I need new medicing." but she told me it was for headaches.

I would say it was right after that I noticed she was becoming uninterested and very lethargic and tired all the time.  It was through a co-worker of hers that has known her for years that told a mutual friend of mine that she was bi-polar.  So thats how I found out.

Now my question is, I'm just not sure what to do, should I let her know I still care about her and let it go. Or move on or see if she tries to contact me again and try and let her somehow know she's bipolar. I know that would be very touchy, as she obviously doesn't tell many people about it.

She also told me she's only been in 2 other relationships before this one. and also that she'd been single for 6 years before she met me, and in the last relationship she had gotten hurt really bad.

 I'm not if that was a sure indication or not, but nonetheless think its relevant maybe.

Posted 6/21/2007 10:19 AM (GMT 0)
oh another side note:

the last time I talked to her, was last friday night and we talked for at least an hour, she sounded really down, she was talking about quitting her job, possibly going back to school. She also mentioned she was burned out at work, and wasn't getting along with a co-worker. She didn't sound like herself at all, she is upbeat and positive usually.
Posted 6/21/2007 7:20 PM (GMT 0)

Everything you said about her sounds just like the way my guy acts. He told me he's only dated a couple of girls several years ago and hasn't had a serious relationship since he was 18. He's 30 now. It was red flag for me, but I always give people the benefit of the doubt. The only difference is that he's admitted to having an emotional problem and he blames lack of involvment with me on that. She obviously doesn't feel comfortable letting you in...or anyone else for that matter since she has had few relationships. Don't you want a person to be 100% sure you are who they want to be with? What I learned to do is give him space. I let him have all the space he wants but I don't ever ignore him or treat him like I'm hurt. I treat him as an equal friend. If he calls me, I'll answer. If he texts me (which is nearly all day), I text back. I just never give him more than he gives me, since he was the one that pulled away. If she pulled away it was for a reason that doesn't involve you, I'm certain. If I start to back off from my guy, he starts calling and texting and asking me why I'm ignoring him. I'm not ignoring him, I'm just not giving him special attention anymore. I'm not going to sit around and feel sorry for him having an illness thinking I'm the person that can help him, save him. That's not going to happen, as I have learned. I just recently came to the realization that I'm the unhappy, sad, and depressed one. I have entangled myself with a person who isn't emotionally connected to me because of their fear, doubt, worry..I don't know. But I feel he keeps stringing me along just enough to keep me around. Isn't that kind of how you feel? I thought I could be his friend and be there for him, but he doesn't want my help. He's in denial and not willing to accept and embrace what he can't change on his own..Much like your girlfriend. If she can't be open and upfront about her being bipolar then she's not ready. If you mention it you will probably piss her off..push her away. I just recently realized that I'm cutting myself short but not fulfilling what makes me happy. If he's not willing to let me be apart of his life, bipolar and all, than I'm not willing to compromise. Since not giving him special attention anymore he has been slowly saying those sweet things again, telling me he won't be able to control himself when he sees me, is making plans again. I wasn't trying to play hard to get...I just lost interest and now all of a sudden, he's interested. I don't know if it's a game, control issue, lack of something..and maybe he doesn't know but I wasn't looking for that when I met him and I'm not settling for it now. Not only that, he ALWAYS makes the plans. Fun plans. And he ALWAYS cancels since we've broken up. It's like one minute he wants me back and the next minute he remembers he doesn't. I want a complete and whole relationship with a person who is equally crazy about me, not theirself. What about you? I'm not bipolar and I don't know what is going through the mind of a person who does (or I wouldn't be on this site) but I know that it doesn't make it ok when a person treats you as the object of their desires one minute, and totally disregard you the next. It's too confusing for me. Unless she's willing to change for you or try, I'd move on. You'll eventually grow tired of coming in second, third or last.

 

I hope you found this a little inspirational. I feel better after typing it

Posted 6/22/2007 5:26 AM (GMT 0)
I definitely felt like she was stringing me along for a couple of weeks when she wouldn't call, and then I would finally resorted to just asking her if it was over. Then she would respond and get mad like "I've been busy at work, I don't have to justify my work schedule to you." "I promise I'm not avoiding you." That was just very bizarre, because it made me feel like ok, so I'm supposed to just take this treatment, and let this relationship just switch to her terms, whenever its convenient for her to talk to me or see me. I think a simple "hey I have had to work a bunch this week, I'm not ignoring you." That would have been at least something, or maybe a quick call, if she wanted to make it work. But know I had to force her to tell me that, she didn't volunteer that. I told my brother about that, he's in the army. and he told me, that even when he was getting shot at in Iraq he still found the time to call his wife. That's a totally different situation, but still, he has a point, if you care about the person you should at least make an effort to let them know that you're still there, and thinking about them, even if you are busy. Thats just what I would do. I think to just ignore the person and expect them to sit by the phone is really immature, and really puts some red flags about how they would handle other situations. Its just shady behavior. And if you call them on it, they make you feel like you're doing something wrong? I just don't think its right, and I put up with it because I really care about her and want this to work. I still think about her all the time, and wonder what she's up to. How her day was, what I wouldn't do to get it back to the way it was, or even half-way to what it was. I'd settle for a call every now and then, and maybe see her once or twice a week. Just because I enjoy spending time with her and talking to her, we do have a lot in common. I by no means even need it to be all the time like it was in the beginning. Where we are now is really made me feel helpless, because I am not trying to call and contact her, I'm done with that. I figure if she wants to talk to me, she will. She knows how I feel, and maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder, and when she snaps out of this, maybe she'll remember all the great things she says she loves about me. But I feel like a sucker, cause I'm stuck just kinda waiting around until then. And I do think once she calls me again, I'm going to ask her some questions, and tell her that I need to know where I stand. That I love hearing from her, and when I don't it makes me batty. And if she sees us trying to work things out. Because I need to know if I'm supposed to start dating other people or what. Right now I've just been hanging out with friends and trying to keep my mind off her and focus on other things in my life that I need to get done. Thats all I know to do. But I miss her, and unfortunately that feeling isn't going away. I can't shut my feelings off that easy. Oh well, I'm glad you felt better after writing that post, it was good. I'm so glad I'm not alone in this, I swear I thought I was in the twilight zone for awhile, everyone I talked to about it, was completely baffled because one minute we were so happy, and then she completely shut down. And I was left holding my hands up, like "what the hell?" Definitely keep posting, this definitely helps me. (I wish I had a way to email correspond with you, this public stuff is kinda weird) but anyway, please write again if you have time.
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