a lot to deal with

At the beginning of March I had had enough with my wifes antics. For months I had felt a difference in her, she was distant and didn't talk very much to me, she was short with our girls (9,12), especially the eldest one. Back before Christmas I had feelings that she was cheating but for some reason I always thought "she wouldn't do that", maybe I just didn't want to believe it. I discounted our cold relationship as just being married for 15 years and that's what happens when your married that long. It always threw me off because she would do very nice things for me at times which made me feel that I was just being paranoid.

When I did decide to investigate things it took me only 1 day to start to unravel all the lies. I discovered a private e-mail account that contained e-mails from a former co-worker (back at university), the e-mails weren't that bad, more of a friendship with a lot of encouragement. I still was angry as this was hidden from me. I contacted this guy through e-mail and he sent me copies of e-mails that she had sent to him. These e-mails were of a different nature. Although she had told me that she confided in him that her marriage wasn't close and that was about it, the e-mails contained quotes of how "I made her feel like crap, and that I was a bad father, and totally fabricated stories. They were also a lot more suggestive than his were. This all came as a huge surprise to me as she had never voiced anything about being unhappy or "trapped" as she put it. Over the next few weeks I made discoveries of her taking him out for lunch and going for a walk with him but she always maintained that there was no sexual contact. I went through 2+ months of trying to get to the bottom of things and telling her how much I cared for her and realizing mistakes I had made in my life. I explained to her that this was an emotional affair but I always knew there was more.

One day when I was at work I talked to her at lunch, we were going to see our counsellor that night and I mentioned some things about her having a sexual affair and that we would be discussing it that night. She phoned me a few hours later and asked me if I could leave work and get some coverage for the next day as well. I knew what was coming. I came home and walked upstairs, she was laying on the bed. I walked in and said "here it comes, right?" she replied "yes", I lost it. She told me that she had been having a sexual affair with a different guy that had started back in October. After some prodding I got a name (i knew it was a fake name) and his situation (unmarried, customer that came into her store). She told me that the affair had stopped a few weeks before. I told her that I had been working my hardest the past 2 months on our relationship and she had still been seeing him. She maintained that it was over and she wanted to work hard to get back what we had. Over the next few weeks again we worked on things, we went away together and had a lot of fun and a lot of long talks. Something was still bothering me. After our weekend away I talked to her that night and finally got it out of her that he worked at her store and that she would talk to him every day at work, she said that the sexual stuff had ended about the time I found out there was a sexual affair (she ended that part because she said she knew I was going to catch her). The next day we saw our counsellor and that afternoon she went up and quit her job and she says that she told him that it had to be completely over. That was 7 weeks ago.

She has seen her doctor, counsellor and a psychiatrist. She is currently on Lithium. All of the things she tells me now (committed to me, loves me), I don't know what I can believe since she had told me a lot of the same things back in March and April when she was trying to keep me off the sexual affair trail. The problems have not been limited to affairs. She had binge eating, money problems and a lifetime of lying, sometimes for no real reason. I am being as supportive of her as I can, the past 4 months I have concentrated on getting her back on track and not thought much about myself. Lately I have thought more about what I want. I have told her that I will always support her and I will always be a great friend to her but I don't know if I can be her husband.

I guess what I need to know is what other spouses have done in a similar situation. I have an overwhelming desire to "deal" with this other guy (he's married) but my wife always tells me that I can't do anything to get myself in trouble because her and the girls need me. I have maintained that it isn't fair to his wife that she doesn't know. My wife is afraid that she will go public (we live in a small town) or do something to hurt or embarrass our girls. I feel like my hands are tied but I need to do something, I have told her the rage inside of me is sometimes overwhelming and I know if I see him I will do something (don't know him, don't know what he looks like, I know where he lives).

I am new to this BP thing, I have done a lot of research and am still struggling with understanding it. I think very logically and it is hard to understand. It seems to me that she has been running from herself for years and has progressively done more and more things so she didn't have to face anything. I have never seen a lot of depression until lately and have never seen the classic symptoms of mania. She says that a "wall" has been building for years between us over the way she has understood our relationship. She tells me things about our relationship that she believed but it is all things that she thought about us and not stuff that was ever verbally brought up. I'm having trouble with this as everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage because we never argue or fight. This has been because she never voices her opinion but wound up resenting me because of it.

Sorry for the long posting, it could have been longer. Any ideas or support will be helpful. My wife will read and most likely post things on this site as well. Thanks.

dear footballfan,

I am probably much younger than you (26), but I would like to reply anyway.  I don't know anything about marriage, but I do know BP.

I am BP and I do know quite a bit about the complicated mess this illness can be.  Having said that, I have learned that whenever we are looking at ourselves, our lives...our complications, our illnesses etc...it can be extremely healing to "simplify".

I believe, you need to first think of yourself, if in fact you are feeling you want to separate.  If that is the case, if you think after everything, "you can no longer be her husband", then I think you need to take care of your girls and of yourself.  Your wife has a long road ahead of her, so I think you need to figure out if you are going to be husband for that road, or friend, or maybe even more distant than friend for awhile.  It could stay very complicated if you do separate but try to remain her closest friend, caretaker. 

Your trust in her has been broken...if you want to stay with her, your trust needs to be repaired, which will be extremely hard b/c she's going to be going through symptoms, treatment (hopefully).  There is so much to think about and to consider.  It is complicated.

I hope she does well w/her treatment, it's really hard.  Hopefully no matter what happens she can begin healing, your girls need both of you.

And you deserve credit for trying to educate yourself about the illness.  You & your family are in my thoughts, I wish you all well.

dear dutchie,

I was so touched to read your post today, I was wondering if you would read mine, and I hoped that I didn't hurt any feelings or offend anyone.

It sounds to me like you are ready to begin healing.  I say that b/c it sounds like you are starting to accept what you've been dealing with, and you are being understanding, very understanding to how your husband must be feeling.  Good for you.  I think that is wonderful that you understand where his pain is and why it's there.

On your journey you are going to need to love yourself, take care of yourself, and learn about who you are.  And I understand that has all been confusing for you.  You have caused pain, but you've also been in pain, so take things one step at a time, slowly.  Reach out to anything that is available in our community for support, so glad that you have a counsellor too.  Try to simplify the complications, so that you can focus and don't get overwhelmed.

It's hard to give any more advice b/c I don't know you (or your husband) so hopefully I've been general b/c I'm definitely not a professional either.

You and your family, again, are in my thoughts, and I wish you all the best.

Dutchie seems to be trying very hard to improve our situation. She is doing everything possible to win back my trust. When I am at work (such as now) she will drive the 20 minutes here to bring me a coffee. I tell her she doesn't have to, she says she knows that and that she wants to do it. Whenever she has to run errands she always takes one of the girls with her so I know she isn't up to anything. Things like this make me feel good but I am still unsure of what is real and what isn't. March and April have really messed things up for us, as I have said she seemed to be working on things but in reality was just trying to mask the truth. Every night when I am working I call at 9:30, our talks during March and April got longer because of the situation and she had asked me to call earlier than 9:30. I came to find out that she wanted me to call earlier because she was going out afterward and meeting him and it was getting too late. The part that really burned me was that she would leave our girls at home in bed while she was going out, she would leave a note with her cell number on it in case they woke up. This is why I never caught on, I never dreamed she would leave them alone. It is stuff like this that makes me wonder what is real.

footballfan,

BP is very complicated, but your question isn't dumb.  The situation that you are both in can be found in marriages without a BP spouse.  Maybe if I relate how my BP affects me and my life, you might be able to see how the BP has affected your wife, and your marriage.

Keep in mind, it also really depends on what type of bipolar your wife is dealing with...BP I, II or mixed states.  That's really important.

I am BP II, also experience mixed states... and during my times that I am depressed, my insecurity can really get the best of me.  I have a boyfriend who lives with me.  We've been together a year and a half, living together just over a year now.  I know when I am experiencing my lows (depressive symptoms) I feel worse about myself, I worry that he'll leave me or I'm not good enough, or he likes someone else.  I'm not saying this is how your wife was feeling.  When I'm hypomanic, I feel great about things, and I know that my relationship with my boyfriend is wonderful and I feel great about myself, appearance and all.  My bf works long day shifts, and right now I am home all day b/c I'm waiting to back to school.  So symptoms can really affect me when I'm alone.  When depressed, being alone is scary for me sometimes.  I get extremely lonely.  If I'm alone and hypomanic, and if I had money, I would go shopping. 

I have read a lot about manic states in bipolar (again, not sure if your wife is experiencing full mania, or hypomania...hypomania is "less mania") and from reading I know it is extremely common for people to do things they would not normally do... from breaking the law (very common) to maybe having an affair, things like that.  It doesn't excuse this behaviour for anyone, and I know your wife would agree, but really it is what can be behind it all, the control of the illness.  The symptoms are overwhelming footballfan, and very hard to manage or control.

I think that is why your wife has felt like someone else.  I feel that way when I'm experiencing major symptoms.  There have been things that I have felt, that I wish I didn't feel (like the insecurity) b/c my bf is very trustworthy, but my symptoms don't allow me to see that all the time.  I feel like I'm not the real me sometimes.  But I have learned to acknowledge those moments as the illness acting...and try to use the things I have learned, to work through them and not let them take over.  That takes a lot of time and learning and practice.

What you said about "not facing problems...etc...".  In the past, anything that was stressful for me, I wouldn't want to deal with it, b/c symptoms become much worse w/stress and therefore I would just not deal with the issue...It would always get worse, but I wouldn't deal with it the right way b/c it was too overwhelming for me, so it was better (not really) for me just not to face it.  It was too scary to face.  And it all is very scary to "talk about" as well.  And hard to talk about.  I still don't really like talking to my bf about my symptoms, the illness.  I would much rather talk to someone who is BP and understands, or my pdoc.  So it really is something that is hard to talk about.  And guilt plays a huge role as well.  If my bf and I have a fight and I know that my symptoms may have played the bigger role, I feel ashamed, that I wasn't myself, I feel guilty for upsetting him or us. 

Sometimes, I push my bf away when I'm not feeling well.  He'll ask me what's wrong, but b/c he can't understand fully, I push him away and tell him I'm fine.  I'll become distant sometimes.

I'm really hesitant to comment on the specifics of your marriage, b/c I don't know you or your wife, AND...I'm not a professional.  I do think she is remorseful, sincerely and I also know this is a struggle for you.

I hope this helped a little, keep in touch.

Mogs: I appreciate your responses to our posts. My wife could really use a friend right now and even though you are who knows how many miles away you are being a great friend to her.

When this all came out Dutchie had spoke of not wanting to go through all of this and then lose me in the end. I have always turned her attention to focus on finding herself and dealing with all the problems so she can learn from past mistakes and have a productive, fulfilling life. I did mention to her last night that in the end I didn't see things working out for us but I couldn't bring that up because I needed her to stay focused on her needs. She said from the beginning that she knows me and she knows that I won't be able to get past any of this. She knows me well. I don't know what is going to happen from here. I know that I have felt awful for the past four months and I'm tired of feeling this way. These events have dominated me, they have affected my work, my sleep, everything. I'm just tired. The constant thought of what is happening while I'm at work drives me over the edge, we talk on the phone constantly for my reassurance but it still eats at me. Today I didn't return any of the phone calls. I just focused on my work so I didn't have to think about any of this and to try to make the 12 hours go by quicker. I don't know if it worked, I know I don't like feeling this way and have thoughts that maybe some time apart will do me some good. I don't know.

I have questions about rapid cycling. As we have said before, Dutchie doesn't show the obvious signs of manic or depression. I talked to our councellor the other day and she said that all the destructive behaviour was manic behavior. I guess my question is why would she act "normal" while I am around and then go manic as soon as I leave? I mean severe, damaging stuff that she could only do if I wasn't there. I look at this affair and I'm sorry but I see this as a regular, run of the mill affair. Bipolar may have affected her reasoning as to how she was feeling and to how she felt I felt but this comes down to morals doesn't it? I mean she had to know that this wasn't a great thing to help our marriage. She must have known that if it was found out it would be the end for us. Did she not care or did she think that it was worth the risk because I probably wouldn't find out? Well I found out. I don't mean to sound heartless but through all of this I have been lied to, decieved and tricked into believing everything was ok.

Mogs: Afew posts ago you said you didn't want to comment on our marriage because you don't know us. As far as I knew we had a good marriage, we worked towards the same goals and looked forward to the future, because Dutchie could never voice her true opinion on things and make decisions she wound up resenting me for things I thought we were both working towards. I am not a control freak, I am a supervisor of 25 people at my work, at times I think I need to think for all 25 so when I come home the last thing on my mind is being in control, I'm sick of it and I want Dutchie to make some choices. In a sense this made her face problems and she couldn't do it. She resented me even more because I am the only person in her life that has made her accountable for everything and have made her make decisions. I have tried to be a team player in this and it has exploded back at me. Please feel free to make any comments you want, it will not be taken as judgement but rather as a helpful point of view.

I love Dutchie and I want to help her as much as I can, but the pain sometimes becomes unbearable and I need to find a way to put an end to all of this. Any ideas?

I have been to the councellor once by myself. It is difficult to talk about how I feel and how I am dealing with everything, maybe eventually I can become more comfortable with this as I know I have issues to deal with.

You have it dead on about Dutchie not being able to talk about things. She talks a lot more now but in the past everything was avoided because that would bring her down and make her face facts. My mom (who is close to Dutchie) feels hurt that Dutchie wouldn't discuss any of these problems with her in the past. I have explained that Dutchie wouldn't talk to anyone not even me. We were at the councellors yesterday and I asked if Dutchie had been in a manic state for the past year as I never saw her get really down. It was explained to me that all the manic stuff was to keep her up and make it easier to avoid all the guilt and problems she had. It is difficult because all the stuff I read on the internet about bp is so black and white, it talks about symptoms and how she would act, sleep patterns, etc. The councellor and you Mogs talk to me about all the grey areas inbetween, this is very helpful for both of us to try to gain an understanding of this.

All of the avoidance of problems in the past, is this a symptom of bp or is this a different problem altogether?

Dutchie,

Thanks for keeping me in your prayers, it could not be needed more.  You are in mine, depression is torture and completely painful, I am so sorry you are experiencing these symptoms.

You're doing great...I can relate to the memory loss, it's total confusion.  Just try to focus on what you know now, it's okay not to have all the answers and to say honestly "I don't know".  You are being honest.

Have to go, sorry so not well again today.  But keep posting, I'll be here.