Need some Advice

Hi LabRaat,

Welcome to HW.  Your post wasn't confusing, so no worries.  It sounds like you really love your family and I hope that you can stay together as a family.  BP is not only hard on us, but on those around us.  I have been learning that for quite some time.  And then when trust issues are thrown into the mix, it makes everything even harder.

Irritibility/anger, are symptoms of BP for sure.  But I know you don't want to be taking that out on your wife and especially not the little one (Jackson is one of my favourite names ).  Have you ever gone to counselling or better yet any support groups for BP?  I was in a support group for my BP and going at first was a bit awkward (even though I was very much used to therapy), but after a couple times and by the end, the group felt like a huge group of close friends.  We all taught each other so much, and the leaders of the group did too.  Just about how to cope with our symtpoms.  It might be really helpful for you.  And maybe that would make a difference in your marriage, I'm not sure. 

If your wife needs her space, as painful as it might be, it probably would be best to give that to her.  But maybe as a follow up to your conversation this morning, you could see if there is anything she wants or needs from you to make things right.  I'm not sure if you already talked about that.

Try to take care of yourself though.  The better you manage the illness, the better it will reflect on your family I can promise you that.

Take care, and keep posting.

LabRaat, I am a long time spouse to a BP2, rapid recycler. He has always stayed on his meds, and life is still difficult when he is not responsible about the BP fallout from low frustration and such. We also have 3 kids. But even after all this time, we are still learning and growing and this site does help. With that all said, I don’t have a lot of time and so I am going to jump in…

I hear you say that you love your wife, want to make it work, so I do have a suggestion for you. You can take it, or leave it…certainly YOUR decision. There is a thing in counseling for couples called an INTERVENTION SEPERATION. This 6 month separation has structure to it, and you would need to work with a professional who would guide you and work with you. The goal of it is to not in the end divorce, but to work your way through problems and bring your family and marriage back together. It takes committed work with a professional both individually, as a couple and as a family (although you child is obviously too young to participate).

NOW… based on what you shared…If you attempted this (AGAIN…ONLY WITH A PROFESSIONAL WHO IS TRAINED IN FACILITATING THIS) It would give your spouse the space she needs, give you both a comfort zone to help you both feel safe regarding your son, and it would give you the opportunity to step up to face what you need to do as well. And I am going to be honest here…It sounds like you need to TOTALLY take ownership and get the BP under control and do some work regarding being responsible about it, anger issues, etc.. The staying on your meds for yourself should be a non-negotiable agreement you have with yourself – and you should commit to keeping that agreement with yourself and DO IT – even if you think you don’t need to once you start feeling “better”. You are feeling that way because of the meds. If the meds aren’t working, or need adjusting…then YOU be responsible to ensure you work with your psychiatrist to get properly supported to be able to handle your life in a way that makes YOU proud. And if you don’t like what you see being reflected back at your from you wife…then work to see an image you can be proud of…no if’s, and’s or but’s….and you FIND a way to achieve this….no matter what. Then during this process, you work with your wife to salvage and save your marriage if she is willing. You work to rebuild trust. You demonstrate to both of you that you are capable of behaving and handling your life in a responsible adult way. You learn how to own when you mess up, and how to recognize when you are going too far and what to do to control yourself. You learn how to trust yourself to make the right decisions, for the right reasons…and that takes practice for all of us. Look, you both now have a child. You owe it to your son to try and both be the best you can. But…you’ve taken the first step by admitting that the work must start with you. So it is the first step in learning how to be proud of your self. Good Job. Now…keep doing the right thing and step by step you will get there. And if the intervention doesn’t work, and you don’t heal back together…you will have grown and changed in all the right positive ways and you will at least be able to work together with your spouse to be the best parents you can be for your son.

Good luck to your family. LFW

labrat

Hello I am new to the forum too, although I am not married, I'm 30 this yr and had a wonderful woman who loved me and I mentally abused her most of the time not out of my own volition but out of sheer frustration of not having space. Yet, like you I was afraid of letting go.

Then the final thing came in: we saw my therapist/pdoc together and he explained to my gf that this illness is going to be with me for the long haul, and that I need a really strong person to handle me as I attempt to stabilise myself. Thus, although I just wanted breathing space, the relationship ended up in tears and separation. My pdoc then advised me to give grief 3 months to subside. It has only been 2 weeks and its torturous.

I can't even begin to imagine what your going through being married and with child. And I have no opinion of my own except what the doctor told me: "by giving my gf a break, you are taking a step forward by taking control of your life and through a decision based on love, releasing your gf from the throngs of your disorder. You will now have to garner the strength to heal yourself... for yourself, only then can you manage others..."

Just wanted to share... I empathise with you and though I'm in Singapore, I feel you close to me.