What the fudge is it?

Now, before I begin ranting, I would like to point out that I am not completely sure that I am bipolar. I have not asked a doctor about it at all. In fact, I haven't been to a doctor in around a year and a half (they scare me.).

I have a feeling I am bipolar for the simple fact that my mother is and her mother before. I am only fifteen so I really haven't really gotten to know myself that well, one could say. But what I do know is something is a little out of sorts with me. It may be a phase, who knows, I'm just really fed up with it.

I guess my main reason for concern is frequent hallucinations that I experience an hour or so after I fall asleep. It started around four years ago when my parents divorced and had a harsh custody battle over my older brother and I. I became very withdrawn and stand-offish. Over time I have come to realize it was mostly depression. I think the stress over that was a major trigger and I can remember lying in my bed when I heard a clicking noise. It slowly got louder and louder to the point where I got confused and opened my eyes to find thousands of spiders on the celling of my bedroom (the clicking being the billions of feet against the plaster.). That was the first time and one of the most frightening.

Around a week later it happened again at school (I fell asleep while skipping class in a bathroom) but I was so afraid I don't even know what happened. I just kinda blacked out and the next thing I knew I was covered in my own blood and had trashed the girls' bathroom, mirror and all. Shortly after that my father finally gave my mother a chance and my brother and I moved to Kansas with her and my step-father. As things calmed down the hallucinations got less frequent and certainly less scary. I have gotten much better since then all around. I do well in school again, I am social, and most important in my mind, I am happier. But alas, they still persist. Thankfully, they aren't spooky anymore. The last time was around two weeks ago when my pillow was gnawing on my hair and trying to get me to play with it, but I told it to let me sleep and just rolled over.

I have told both my mother and my father: Mom believes me, Dad thinks I am just taking lots of drugs like my eldest brother and sister. I have also spoken to my two brothers who share the same mother. They both have had similar experiences and have come to a consensus with me that, what ever it is, we are all effected by it. All three of us also have these episodes of extreme anti-social moods. I won't speak to anyone for weeks at a time, even though I am well-known in my school as happy-go-lucky and a class clown. The last thing is an unusually severe paranoia that we have non-stop about everyone and everything.

So, please tell me what you think. Because I really want to have other inputs on whether or not this is just a random and mistaken conclusion I have drawn or a real possibility. Also, if anyone knows any ways to help with the hallucinations I would love to hear them.

THANK YOU FOR LISTENING. <3
Much love,

Chelsea.

Music Box,

1st I would like to invite you to the HW family.

I'm with Shine on this, I have been diagnosed for almost 3 years and have had BP for at least 5.  So I do know a little about BP, and what you describe does not trully describe BP.

As much as you are scared of Drs., you need to get this checked out by them or a trained person.

Yes, and some of the hallucinations are after you are asleep, so they might be how you  conscious processes the ugly things going on around you.  You have gone through a lot of rough changes.

Hhallucinations that can occur as one is falling asleep and hypnopompic hallucinations occur when one is waking up.

When you hallucinate you know you are, and this is a good thing, you are not retached from reality.

I have had hallucinations before, and they are no fun.

I hope you can talk to someone and get things sorted out.  Hang in there.

Music Box,

How are you do these days, I hope thing got better for you. Hang in there.