Is This Bi-Polar?

He could be bipolar, but your post reminded me of the way my brother treated his girlfriend, and he was using drugs. I'm not saying that's for certain going on but I"d keep an open mind to the possibility.

Scared_Wife,

Welcome to the HW family, I am glad you found us.  I hope you get the support you are looking for here.

I am with Ellie on this one, it could be bipolar, but it can be other things too.  It's hard too say, from what you have describe.  Your husband is definetly haveing mood disturbances, but it is hard to say what is causing it.  Especially since he has not seen a doc about what he is going through.  Best wishes, and please keep us updated with what is going on.  Hang in there.

Hi Scared_Wife, I am a wife to a BP. And, it has been my experience that the BP doesn't suddenly "show up", there have been issues for the person to some degree all their lives, they just didn't have it identified before. (Please chime in everyone if this is not a correct statement as it is only my experience I am speaking from.) If this is a complete shift, as unimaginable as you think, I wouldn't rule out drugs, affairs, or any other issue. Some drugs are not necessarily costly at first, but highly addictive. I have a friend whose brother sounds like this. He was hooked on meth. Yet he seems to still function in the world most of the time. So....stay open to whatever it could be.

The issue is, first and foremost, protect yourself and your kids. It sounds like whatever issues are coming to the forefront for him; violence is playing a part of it. It sounds like it is wise to have him living elsewhere, but you may also want to legally look at your options to protect your savings, and asset accounts from him during this erratic time he is having. Whatever the reason, clearly he needs help, but as with ANYTHING, you can't force someone to get help until THEY want it. Sadly, it doesn't sound like he is ready to acknowledge something is really wrong, and therefore you must look at legally where you stand to protect your financial future. I know that may sound callus, but, you have two children to think about first and foremost. Their futures are what counts and as their mother, you have a responsibility to be pragmatic about it. I am sure you love your husband, but no matter what kind of help your husband needs, if he is unwilling to get it, he is eliminating your options.

Just another thought for you… If this came on so suddenly, have you considered a brain tumor or something like that? I have always heard that can also cause this kind of complete personality shifting…and again, even if it is that reason, you will want to protect all your financial futures during the time you work to straighten it all out since he is currently not capable. Perhaps if you suggest that to your spouse from a place of fear, love and concern for him. He could then hear it from a place of it maybe isn’t his fault??? - Which I am sure that is all he is hearing right now when you try and talk to him. Then perhaps you can get him to the doctor’s - and that could lead to finding out more stuff. Then if it turns out to not be a medical condition, you will have at least ruled that out and because Dr’s run blood tests, you could also rule out a drug problem too because the doctor can run those tests simultaneous to also check for that possibility. But your husband doesn’t need to necessarily know he is taking those tests from the doctor too. I suppose you would have to have a doctor who would be on board with that – which could get tricky unless you have someone you trust. But, you really do need to also rule out it is not being prompted by something physical.

Hope those thoughts help. Good luck. LFW

Hello Scared-Wife,

What you're going through must be so scary, frustrating, and heartbreaking but the common wisdom is that you can't make a person go into treatment. He has to agree to it and want it before it's going to be effective. And if he's doing everything in his power to shut you out (which it certainly seems he is) then that is going to be very difficult for you to influence his decision to seek treatment. Loving and Honey Bee are right that BP doesn't generally "switch on." A person usually shows some symptoms earlier - depression or ADD like symptoms dating back to teen years usually. I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my late 20s but I'd been struggling with my moods almost since childhood. I think that's pretty typical.

That's not to say there isn't some mental problem happening here. Just because he's spending loads of money on clothes and gadgets doesn't mean he's not also spending it on drugs. If he's staying out and up all night, eating very little, he's getting all that energy somewhere. Meth perhaps? Cocaine?

Consider talking to a health professional about the safest and most effective way to confront your husband about his destructive lifestyle-- An intervention, so to speak. Show him how concerned you are and that you'd like to save your marriage, but make it clear that if he can't change his ways, his marriage is absolutely at stake. And mean it. If you can't back that up, he'll know it. Perhaps the knowledge that he could lose his wife and children will be enough to shock him into wanting to get help.

Good luck to you. Stay safe and be strong.

Scared, I’m not clear about this…does HE recognize at all that his behavior is off?  If not, there is nothing you can do but protect yourself and your kids from his extremely erratic behavior.  Ask his parents to help you do that.  Gain legal counsel about your options to protect assets from being hidden, pillaged, and sold off, etc.  But, if he does, tell him you are concerned about a possible brain tumor or some such ailment to explain his sudden personality shift.  If he agrees to see the M.D. then set up an appointment with a neurologist immediately.  Be sure and go with him to the appointment.  Since this is new and sudden behavior, you must rule out a physical ailment before progressing to a psychiatrist anyway.  I know you love him, but first and foremost you must take care of your kids and all of your futures.  I can only imagine living this way for anyone, let alone someone with young children depending on them, must be unbearable. 

I don't know if this will help, but when approaching my BP husband, I do know that sometimes my talking to him during what seems to be a balanced time (without pushing TOO hard) has more success than when he is over reacting.  If he is in a "normal" state, then maybe that is the time to CALMLY speak to him about it.  It doesn't then come from threats, just love and concern.  Maybe then he can hear you better? 

I wish you the best scared, it sounds like a very tough place to be right now.  LFW

Thank You all for your Concern and advice.... I want to reassure you all that the safety and futures of my children are My NUMBER ONE priority and will come first.

I have forced him (Via the police to move out) and added chainlocks to the doors that I lock every night.

I have retained a lawer and gained sole custody of the house and marital assets(at least temporaily)

He see the kids either at our house with me there or at his parents house with his mother there...

I watch our banking everyday, although cannot really do anything on this without going to court as both our names are on everything....

As for him knowing if his behavior is not normal, I think the anwser is somtimes.... But he truely believes everyone else is the issue(Especially me and his parents).... example he is more mad at me for calling the police then he is upset about the thousands of dollars damage he caused.... He Lies all the time, about even the stupidist things and won't admit the truth when I hold the proof in my hands that he is lying....

When he is in an OK mood and i Talk to him calmly, he generally agrees to go to the dr and therapy BUT>>> His mood has generally changed by the time an appointment roles around and he cancels or just dosn't show and tells me he never needed it....

He did go to the Dr. once.... Wouldn't let me come... got prescribed an Anti-depressent and was given the week of work as he was told it takes about a week before he will feel beeter (For side affects such as nausea) and 6 weeks before he would see a diffrence.... He took the pills 3 days and threw them away and has not been back to the doc..... I have gone on my own but he refused to give the Doc consent to talk to me, so all I can do is give him more info....

His parents have tried talking to him as well.... But... He treats them almost as bad as he treats me... somedays he talks a mile a minute about everything but his issues and others he lays on the couch drifting in and out of sleep talking to no one, and if forced to talk gives one word anwsers....

I am so afraid to ask him about a brain tumer, he had an illness before that almost killed him and has left him with minor health issues he will face the rest of his life and is petrified of Dr's and hospitials. He won't even see the dr on his regular check ups for that....

So heres my dilema... DO I turn my back on him and refuse to have anything to do with him and Ignor all threats untill he gets help... Or do I Leave things as is and ride the rollercoaster in Hopes that I can coax him to a dr eventually. I will never forgive myself if he did carry out a thrat, but am almost sure after this latest episode these are just for attention (another diffrence as we was never a drama queen, attention seeker before)!!!!

Anyone have a majic wand or crystal Ball... cause I really could use them now!!!!!

Poor Scared-Wife,

With more detail, whether it's a very severe episode of mania (which I'm no doctor, but I'd guess would require hospitalization and anti-psychotics to treat) or drugs, you still need his cooperation to get treatment. However, all his talk of suicide may be an opening. If at any point you (or his parents) truly believe that he poses an immediate threat to himself or anyone else, you can take him to the emergency room and tell the doctor that. They will evaluate him, and if he is indeed suicidal (which it sounds like he would probably deny to a doctor) they would be required to send him to a psych hospital. Barring that, I'd sadly have to agree with Mogli and say you that you have to protect yourself. By not cooperating, he's really not allowing you to help him, no matter how much you want to. Your own needs are as valuable as his and no one should have to live with the kind of chaos you've been putting up with.

serafena

Well, there's an easy enough way to see if it's drugs or not. Does he use any combs or razers in your house? If you can get a sample of his hair (make sure it's his or it's a waste of money)? You can have hair samples tested without requiring permission.

On that note, there are definitely cold and allergy medications that may show up as illegal drugs. Tylenol may show up as THC (it's actually a pro-drug for the cannabinoid AM404 which is devoid of psychoactivity) anything containing Ephedrine or Pseudephedrine may show up as any amphetamine (unsubstituted a-methyl-PEA, methylamphetamine, probably MDMA) since Ephedrine and Pseudephedrine (optical isomers of eachother) are oxidized methamphetamine analogues. Vicks inhalers contain the (generally devoid of psychoactivity) optical isomer of methamphetamine (the L or Levo- isomer instead of the D or Dextro- isomer) which they've avoided public complaint by labelling as "levmetamfetamin"- a good idea since not many people would realize it's lack of addictive potential if it was labelled L-methamphetamine. There's another inhaler that contains cyclohexadrine which may show up as amphetamine, as well.

Cough syrups containing dextromethorphan have the potential show cause false positives for both PCP and opioids.

I'm not super familiar with how hair tests are done, but I assume it involves some sort of GC/MS which should avoid any false positives. Urinalysis through simple dip-tests available at supermarkets, would be nearly impossible to conduct without getting permission or at least arousing suspicion. They're also extremely prone to error.

I'm prescribed Adderall, and one day I was experiencing chest pain so I went to the ER (without insurance, mind you). I told them about my prescriptions, including the two for controlled substances and about a month ago I had once partaken in a common misdemeaner here. They did a dip-test and found none of my prescribed medications or my midemeaner, but instead found PCP, something I've never, ever even considered taking or had ever heard of anyone using (didn't it sort of die in the 70s with rampages in the poor black community?). I still haven't figured that one out- best guess is that it was from taking Nyquil to sleep a few nights prior. When I asked how the test was completed (ie: UA dip, vs. GC/MS) it was given even poorer treatment and told that it was "suspicious" that I knew about different types of drug testing. Despite the fact that I've been employed in the past as a "drug-tester" and worked with the DEA as an expert on psychoactives ("I'm not impressed that you were an informer" I was told, rudely, despite the fact that my work wasn't remotely related).

If I had to guess... I'd say no to both drugs and Bipolar disorder. How old is he? My bet would be on mid-life crisis.

Looking at statistics, it's pretty uncommon for Bipolar disorder to appear out of the blue in older men, and drug abuse and addiction (especially stimulant addiction) is very, very uncommon to start in adulthood, especially if there's no history of it in youth. Alcohol addiction is commonly first diagnosed in mid- to late-adulthood, but even then it's usually years into the disease's etiology. What you're describing doesn't sound at all like alcoholism, though. Stimulant abuse does fit best with your description, but I think without a history of it (or information that this other women has a history of it) it's pretty unlikely. It's common to portray meth as the biggest thing since crack ruined the ghetto, but the fact is that outside of certain populations (the very poor, homosexuals and maybe one or two others) it's use is actually declining for the first time, and never remotely approached those of crack addiction. It's main reason for the massive publicity is the way white people in suburban and rural regions are using it, and the major accidents kitchen labs are prone to enduring (explosions, toxic gases).

Hammilton

I'm not saying it's cheap- hair testing is probably the most costly way to get results, but it's also likely the most effective. Not knowing case law in your country, it's hard to say if it's legal or not. As I recall pre-employment testing is prohibited, though.

Certainly if he's left his hair at your house he's done so voluntarily, even if he didn't realize it at the time. I'm reminded of a certain US custody case that involved the a phrase that went something like "if the donation was voluntary, even if the result wasn't intended, you are still liable."' It ceratinly ranks up there with "I know it when I see it"

But this sort of thing doesn't really apply to any sort of criminal penalty no matter what. At the most, in an eventual custody hearing it would be excluded from admission. That's not really pertinent when you're just trying to find out, though.

Things are still Up and Down,   He has been taking off out of Town alot so I have been filled with Worry, but also a sense of peace as I know he won't just show up....

He took off last Wednsday after an argument with his dad, said nothing to no one.  Normally he dosn't contact me at all. But he started txt Messaging me at two AM.  He kept asking if I was staying with the kids all weakend???? What where else would I be... I didn't respond untill the next day and anwsered him with one of his favorite anwsers "Why?".  he calls two minutes later asking to talk to the kids and how am I doing and all very nice and courtious, Though seemed very anxious about me leaving the boys with a sitter. I asked him if there was a point to his call as he had not spoken to me for 4 days prior to this call and Yelled at me to get the **** away from him the last time I saw him.  He said "well, the phones gonna die can I call you later" said he'd be gone till Monday.

came home(To his parents house) yesterday and spent some time with the kids.  He kept them for a few hours and then brought them home bathed and ready for bed. He then put them to sleep and walked around the house like he owns it and then said Ok.. so I guess I'll see you later.. I said yep, see ya and he left....

I hope I am doing the right thing giving him the cold shoulder... If He is Bi-Polar... I would say the last few days he has been in the"Middle" state.  But I Hvae seen this before.. I Could give in and be nice and get him to agree to a dr and By Monday his mood will change.... Am I doing the right thing?

 

I completely agree with Ellie here. The fact is, your ONLY chance of reconciling is if he gets A LOT of help and finds out what is wrong with him...physically or emotionally…or both. Unless he does this, no matter "how" sweet he is...You have NO life with him that will have ANY consistency. What you have now will be your life FOREVER. Do you want that? To continue to view and handle the relationship as OVER is the best thing you can do for you and the kids. Keep moving forward legally to protect your financial futures from his erratic behavior. A legal separation agreement/divorce if you must. The fact is, if he ever does get help...it could be next week...or 10 years from now...or NEVER. So ask yourself how much of YOUR life you are willing to sacrifice for him to wait. If you “get on with it", life step by step will reveal what is best for you. Your joy in life can not be crushed waiting in HOPE for him to return after almost a year. I am not saying to rush any judgment...just don't waste your life either. Happiness is out there for you if you make space for it. The choices are yours to know how much of your life you are willing to spend waiting. If wellness is in his future, he will respect you all the more for having demanded better for yourself and stood strong against his behavior - and if you are still available when this occurrence happens, there is nothing stopping you from exploring reconciliation then. If wellness it is not in his future, you loose NOTHING by moving forward. A lot to continue thinking about…LFW

Urggggggg.....  OK... So I'm staying tough, I am not chasing him, leaving him alone when he's in a bad mood and strangly enough for a few days he seemed in a calm, yet he was making excuses to call and come over. 

Sunday night he calls and asks if he can come over cause he forgot his keys to his parents house and can't get in.  I say sure Come get the spare key... He comes trys kissing me and I keep pushing him away and he tears up and asks me why.. I say I am not a yo-yo and he needs to get help.. blabla same old same old.    He goes to leave cause he is mad, but stops at the doorway and stares at me for a long time   (at least 15 minutes) I say nothing.  He then comes to me grabs my hands and tells me how sorry he is and wants to come home, he will be better... I said Actions speak loader then words....

Next day... he's perfect... take the kids to park.. go out for lunch....take the kids visiting his parents.. nice day.... He's been ignoring me ever since.  asked him to help with a few errands... nope... Didn't make the appointment... basically an exact repeat.

so do I.... do nothing and continue to ignor him, And repeat myself when he comes around again OR Send him a note, a phone call or something to let him know he dropped the ball again. 

I am so frustrated, and I really really want to yell at him....

Also, can someone tell me... could he be having "racing thoughts" and I wouldn't know it... he gets into these sates where he's all fidgety and it seems like he just needs to get away from me and I almost wonder if he is starting to have painic attacs.   (I have asked him and he says no to both)