Is This Bi-Polar?

Scared, don't be so welcoming. Even by saying, “actions speak louder than words”, you are still welcoming him to try again with you. The point is to let go and move on. If he comes to get the spare key, don't let him in. Hand it to him at the door and be pleasant and say you hope he has a good day and then shut the door. Don't have conversations with him about anything except the kids and the legal stuff necessary. You will not be able to FIX him – you have given him all the information of what to do to start to sort out what’s going on with him, and he doesn’t want to. So there is nothing more you can do but move on and protect yourself and the kids. In order to get well, HE has to do this for himself, you can't help anymore...you have done all you can. HE has to make the decision for, and about himself. He can't be doing this for you or the kids. It has to be about HIM. Otherwise it is a complete set up for failure. More than wanting to scream at him, I am sure you also want to scream at yourself for getting sucked into a grain of hope again. So my input to you is STOP. Believe me....if he get's him self together - FOR REAL...you will know it. THEN, you can ask to look at the possibilities for reconciliation at that time. Otherwise, it is just the GAME of it all. Sorry to be so blunt, but I don't think you should fool around with this thing. He's reaching to you because he is getting uncomfortable with it all. GOOD....let him be uncomfortable. He needs to be to see what he has lost and is loosing. That is ALL a good thing. But when you open that door even a grain, you let the steam out of his pressure cooker for him and you loose ground. You need to do TOUGH LOVE and all that sort of thing. You really have to mean what you say too, and that includes not listening to him, or you don't seem like you mean it either. It then just looks to him like he needs to figure out a better way to manipulate you so HE can get what he needs a little, and then HE doesn't feel so bad. Think of it this way...a fisherman casts out his line with the hook on it and trolls for a bite...if you bite in ANY WAY you are on his hook. Just learn how to see the line when it is thrown and DON"T BITE. Then you won't be so angry at yourself and you will be taking better care of YOU. Good luck...LFW

Thank You all.... I am hurting so badley today and I am not really sure why. mostly I have been numb, as this has been going on for soooo long. Venting on here and feeling like I have something in common with alot of the other spouses makes me feel so much better. I still havn't heard a word from him since wednsday and I his mom told me he has been on the couch in fromt of the tv except for work since then. except today he's been gone all day came in and took on over night bag and said he was going to help a friend move....

WHAT??? I can't get him to do anything around our house at all and he has energy to help a friend move? and he needs an over night bag to do it? It's times like this where I think maybe I am completly wrong about being sick and he is just an @ss....

Hi Scared Wife,

I wanted to respond to your question about racing thoughts and wandering if they would be noticeable. Racing thoughts, from my experience, are constant and not all of a sudden. You say your husband is fidgety at times and has to get away? Does he leave and come back calmer?

In a few of your descriptions of some of his behaviors it doesn't convince me that it's bi-polar.  There are similarities but BP doesn't just occur overnight. A few things you could look for: does he stay awake for a few days at a time? then crash for a few? do you see any over the counter allergy medications? specifically vicks product? like vicks inhalers? or nyquil? I'm not accussing him or saying he is using drugs but his behavior definitely mimics some type of substance abuse.

Just a few thoughts

Take care of yourself,

VaOutCast

VAOutCast, 

Drugs are something I definitaly have not closed the door on, but am seeing no Physical proof. Missing money, drug parafanalia or even consitency to the way he's acting. 

When he gets fidgety and leaves I generally don't see him till the next day or a few days but he is going home to his parents house and not out.   He dosn't stay awake for days but he sleeps very irregularily.. Lately he has been sleeping SOOOO much.... In bed by 8am and up for 7 at work napping alot on weekends. 

Alergy medicine..... YES!!!! (No vicks, or eye drops) I even called the drug addiction line about this and they said it was nothing to worry about... but he always has a Allergys. 

* Moody and negative, always has something negative to say about everything, he even "hates" what used to be our closest friends.

*He goes through days where he is talkative and will spend hours rambling on about a tv show or a sports game and then days where  he is alone and won't talk to anyone. 

*He is mostly alone but when he goes out he generally is gone overnight

* He eats, but not like he used to

*SELFISH

*Spends money like crazy (but all on useless stuff)

*Talks suicide when he's trying to manipulate me

*Crys often

* somedays is "daddy of the year" and then goes a week without seeing them or even asking about them.

I am at a lost.  I am in wait mode and just trying to move on with my life.   I just wish I could understand.  I read in another post about how Needs ADvice sorta tricked his wife into councelling and I could try that, but I really think the first step is the Dr.   and if it is drugs that would show up in bloodwork right (They won't do hair testing here as suggested earlier).  If he was a women I could physically drag him there.... 

I read the posts from the other spouses and I often am nodding like it's my storey, yeah he does that...  But the key diffrence is beside a few minor depressions this just appeared...  

SOme more background and A few more things that happened pre-january

* I had a new baby and was having some baby blues and aimed some unwarrented frustrations at him

* I had a fall with our new born and he got a broken leg and was in a full body cast for a month

* our two year old was suffering from Night terrors and severe growing pains so we were stressed from that

*our baby needed surgery and had this a week after coming out of his cast ( A birth defect and planned surgery)

* he was turned down for healthcare cause f a previus illness

All this stuff led up to one big explossion where I accused him of having an affair, hence my thinking this could have been triggered....

 

I Have another Question:

for those of you with BP do you find yourself spending alot of time alone. 1. Long drives, walking around shopping malls, eating in pubs all alone.

2. Have you ever found yourself carrying on a relationship that is completly self -destructive to you. Be it an affair or just a friendship with someone who is way to involved in your life, damaging your relationships with your spouse and family members. NOt caring what this person says or does to the people you love?

Hi Scared,

1. Being alone is what I do best. I have gotten beyond taking long drives alone. I don't play well with others so I tend to isolate myself. Mainly, staying home. Even at home when my husband gets home I go to my room and that is where I stay the rest of the evening. This is my way of avoiding conflict. Alot of days the slightest sarcasm will set me into a rage. So I avoided it at all costs.

2. Destructive relationships? I've had my share. I left my first husband during a very bad episode. For the next three years I found myself hanging out in bars, picking up men and befriending the type of people I would, normally, never associate with. I thank God I never got hooked on drugs. I would hang out with alcoholics, drug addicts, theives, you name it. If it was bad, it was good for me. I was meeting guys from the internet, which scares me to death now that I look back on it. My ex-husband and I were getting ready to move back in with each other, when I found out that I was pregnant with another man's child. I broke his heart but I could not let him live the rest of his life supporting another man's child so I let him go. He would have had no problem with it but I would have not been able to live with the guilt. Instead, I married a man that I didn't love and we fight constantly.

It's not just relationships that are self destructive. For me, anytime I'm having an episode I can be self destructive in many ways. ie: spending too much money, not sleeping, not paying my bills, etc.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for. It has to be very hard to see someone you care so much for go down hill so fast.

Keep us updated!

VaOutCast

Thank You all so much,

My Husband does spend ALOT of time alone... I had thought he was lying but people have actually just seen him driving around and always alone. he claims to have eaten supper alone in restaunts and gone and had drinks in a pub all by himself and he says exactly what you were saying that he needs time to think....

As for the relationship... It's the very same women whom I have talked about through all my threads... She is married and both of them claim to only be friends.... She is HORRID to me... ( now I understand her not likin me as I accused her of having an affair on her husband with mine) but she goes out of her way to hurt me... I have found e-mails and heard voice messages between the two of them that pretty much re-assure my idea of an affair, but she claims they new i was "spying" on them and they did this on pourpose. She has called me names, spread rumors about me and is extreamly disrespectful of our children. (keeps saying there the reason for my marridge falling apart, as she hates children)

No matter how much he claims to love me... he won't get her out of his life. I have heard them fighting... he is sometimes as much an a@@ to her as he is to me... yet she keeps clinging around... her Husband believes they are just friends and says he is with them most of the time and NOTHING is going on....

Hmmm. Still sounds weird, SW. That woman sounds awful. I hope you keep her away from the kids. We already knew your husband wasn't making wise choices, so his relationship with her is no surprise (weird though it may be). Sounds like maybe she'd like there to be more going on than there really is?

How are YOU doing? What are you doing to make your life more livable these days?

serafena.

Now here's an Update...

For two straigt weeks he was "Normal", loving helpfull, considerate and all aound the man I once knew. I kwpt waiting for the other shoe to drop and help back on getting my hopes up, but this is the longest he has been in this mood.

Sunday, gets up, goes driving hasn't spoken to anyone in two days. He didn't go to work yesterday and has received a warning letter (His mom found) stating he is missing too much work and is being put on probation this is the second time this year... he is going to lose his job if things don't start looking up.

last night I went to his parents house looked him in the face (his eyes seemed so empty) and said you have two choices

1. sit on this couch and Rot and keep going down this path and end up with nothing or no one in your life or
2. Do something stand up and be a father and if you choose a husband who is loving and kind... If you choose option 2 we set an appointment with the dr and we go together ... NO more lies... I tell the dr. the changes you see and we go from there....

He agreed..... so.... I have set the appointment with our family dr for next monday ... So I am praying he follows through..... But should I do up a list to take to the Doc... How honest should i be with the dr in front of my husband... should i do a pre-visit...... This is the first time he has agreed for us to go to the dr together.....

SW, BRAVO to you on ALL fronts. 29 and a smart cookie! Okay, here is my opinion....set up 2 appointments. One with a TOP medical doctor, and one with a TOP psychiatrist. YOU go to both appointments. You make lists of EVERYTHING you have seen, and you TELL everything. NO hiding or holding back. No softening the truth. You still don't know if this is something medical (brain illness, tumor, etc.), drugs, or mental illness. Write up a detailed history, all your questions and also make a chart of the man you had always known with the attributes...consistent, calm, empathetic...whatever they were. And then, ANY of those traits you have seen shift indicate the shift and by what degree you are referring it has shifted...slight, extreme... When you go to the meeting with the doctors do not talk about the "story", your pain…etc. – as easy as it is to go down that road….just stick as much as possible to the facts of behavior, attitude, conduct. HOLD NOTHING BACK. Not only does he need to hear it, but you need to give ALL the info to the doctors so they can be armed with knowledge to hopefully get the right dx and what directions to look in. YOU keep being this strong. You saw that is the first movement you have seen in him for the positive. All your commitments here are pointing in the right direction – keep it up. Kids come first, you do what is best for them, you take care of you, and then him. Just remember that love sometimes doesn’t look soft and sweet and compassionate. Sometimes it is hard, commanding and tough. Right now, you need to stick to that for both him and you. YOU continue to stay in charge of this situation for you and those kids - like you are. You keep those appointments no matter what. WRITE OUT EVERTHING…every question, concern, history. Make a copy that you can leave with both doctors. The bottom line is, if he goes to the appointments you may find some answers. If he doesn’t…then that is your answer and you must act accordingly. This is his pivotal moment. I hope for your sake and the kids, he takes it.

As to your pain, there is no getting around it. But if you stay strong and committed, you WILL get through it and find happiness again. There will be that part of you that will always love him, that love however - does not require that you stop your life, and sacrifice future relationships. You can still love and let go and wish him well. He will always be the father of your children. Love may not die, but it can change, it can be mourned for the loss of, and you can heal. If he turns this around, finds out what’s wrong, and GETS RESPONSIBLE and strives sincerely for wellness, then there is nothing stopping one day in the future reconciliation either. But the healthier you are too, the more joy awaits your future, with or without him. LFW

LFW is so cool. I wanna be her when I grow up.

It's true. Manure makes us pretty flowers, right?

SW,

I hope you get your appointment soon. Please hang in there till then. We are here for you if you need to drop us a line.