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Posted 9/27/2007 1:42 AM (GMT 0)
Stress is my number one enemy.  It causes such pain and brings on the depressive states with a vengence.

I am extremely depressed (and stressed) right now.  I just want to sleep through this pain, I do not want to be awake.  I don't want to hurt myself or anything like that, but I just don't want to be awake right now. 

Things have been hard again with me and my bf.  Ah, I just don't know how he really feels about me and this illness sometimes.  I don't know if he ever looks at it the way I need him to; which is to understand that I am in agony, that I am suffering, emotionally and phsyically.  I would like to feel some empathy from him.  I feel so alone right now.

I am really struggling lately with trying to cope with this illness.  Lately I am hating it more and more.  I feel like there is no answer, no hope.  Meds are too hard for me and not being on meds is very unstable as well. 

I am exhausted.  But the only time I can sleep is when I take my Trazodone at night, which is only about 6 hours, I am sure I will be upping my dose soon.  I seriously need to have a nap in the afternoon after school, to help me feel better.  But the insomnia won't let me sleep at all.   It would help me so much if I could just sleep for an hour during this depression, after school. 

I cannot believe the panic attacks I have had over the last two days.  One right after the other, at school, at home.  They are awful right now.  The muscle tension in my neck and shoulders is the worst I have ever experienced.  Oh and of course, I don't seem to be getting any better with my bladder infection.  I am sure that is b/c of what I am going through.

I am sorry to go on like this you guys, but I had to get this out to those who understand. sad

Posted 9/27/2007 2:25 AM (GMT 0)
Oh Mogli honey, I'm so sorry to hear that. You're absolutely right. All of these things are interrelated. What can you do to take a little time for yourself? You need a break from your stress and exhaustion and sorrow. How about a movie? How about a massage to relieve some of that tension? How about a coffee with a girl friend? I know these things are especially hard when you're depressed, but that's when they're especially critical too. Hang in there. When do you see your doc (bladder) and pdoc (meds) again?
Posted 9/27/2007 3:45 AM (GMT 0)

Mogli,

I am so sorry that you feel so down.  Stress can def. break you down.  As Serafena suggested why don't you try outside activities with your friends, or others.  Keep your mind occupied, but not with stress.  I'm definetly for the massage, that will get rid of the tension that you are feeling.  At least till you can see your docs again.  Hang in there and please know we are here for you when you need us.


Posted 9/27/2007 4:58 AM (GMT 0)
Mogs, don't apologize for reaching out. That is what we are all here for. Sorry if I am going to sound a bit like a broken record...Did you ever look into those yoga classes or tapes. NOW would be a great time for them; or, how about a meditation tape to calm you, and slow you down? You can rent several and see which one you like before you buy, same thing on the yoga tapes. Just go to the video rental store, select a few that say "beginner or easy level" and try them out. Not costly and very EFFECTIVE. I agree with Serafena and Olivia too, grab a girlfriend and go for tea, or bake a coffee cake and invite one over and make tea (go for caffeine free!)! Maybe make some delicious scones??? They are quite easy and YUMMY with tea and clotted cream and jam. Okay, I just made myself crave sweets...darn it, and I have been doing so well with my eating.....okay...distract myself....ham, sausage, bacon...darn it, wrong thing for a nice Jewish girl....chopped liver...now there's an idea!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I am back on track now...(sorry for a general interlude into a hungry mind - LOL).

Look, Mogs, you already know that you simply (before you say it, I know it is easier said than done...) must manually override whatever feeling you are having inside. If you feel anxious, meditate and slow yourself down and distract your mind. If you are feeling depressed, do NOT focus on it, go to the movies and see a comedy, or put on a comedy CD from your favorite comic. If you can't sleep and want a nap in the afternoon - go lie down without the expectation of sleeping, just rest. Put on a meditation/relaxation tape, calming quite music, and just close your eyes and rest for that hour. Will it be the same as sleep - NO, so don't expect it to be! But, will it support you and give you the quieting break you need - YES ABSOLUTELY. That alone can be rejuvenating. As to the BF thing…I know how hard you are trying, but the surest way to burn something out is to continually hyper focus on it. Perhaps, as apposed to everything being about the BP for you and gaining his empathy or full understanding, you should tell him during some of the times you feel yourself fighting off some swing, that you’ll skip seeing him that day? Hugs, kisses, but from a far that day…or do you live together? In that case…put a picture on the front door indicating what you are feeling that he will see as he comes in. You know the simple ones that identify mood; happy, sad, anxious, stress…etc. Well, just on a plain piece of paper draw the one indicating what you are in the throws of, tape it to the door and then he’ll know what to expect when he comes in and he is prepared. THEN DON”T DISCUSS IT. Tell him he can enquire how you are doing; you will say better, same, or worse…then for that moment, let it go and the discussion will be over. Then, try to let his being home refocus you to other things besides giving some of this too much attention. Because it becomes a vicious cycle otherwise…he comes home, you are in a bad way, you want him to empathize with you, he doesn’t, you fight, you’re more stressed feeling like he doesn’t “get it”, now your in a worse way…etc. So, stop the cycle before it starts with this simple idea and then get on with other things…How was YOUR day dear? Best way out of your own head is to focus on something or someone outside of it. Maybe make him a delicious dinner, go out to a special restaurant, treat yourselves to frozen yogurt at a shop near by - but you have to walk there holding hands and not drive….etc. Anything like that could help…NO?

Hang in there Mogs, this too shall pass. Do whatever it takes to stay focused on SCHOOL so that stays successful for you. That should be your top priority right now. Hugs…LFW
Posted 9/27/2007 1:42 PM (GMT 0)
Side note: LFW -- remind me to tell you of the time my very reform husband and I took sausage meatballs to a conservative bar mitzvah sometime. :)
Posted 9/27/2007 1:43 PM (GMT 0)
How you doing today Mogs?
Posted 9/27/2007 2:43 PM (GMT 0)
Sounds like a great story Serafena! LOL

How you doing today Mogs? My thoughts and hugs are being sent to you. Breathe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SLOWLY! Close your eyes and see the breath as it goes in, then watch as it goes out.....that's it...your doing great...LFW
Posted 9/27/2007 9:54 PM (GMT 0)
Mogs

Sorry to hear you are feeling low. Footballfan and I are thinking of you often. I know it is very difficult when you are low to see anything positive. But from your posting I see (and I'm sure you know this) that you are being consumed by the negative feelings. The "I can't" are getting the better of you. You are stronger than the negative stuff. We have to be stronger than the negative stuff. It is the "I can't(s)" that stop us from growing. For instance, instead of dwelling on the fact that you can't sleep...forget that. (Like LFW has said) What you can do is take some time to rest. Lay down (don't worry about falling asleep...that is not your goal) listen to some relaxing music, light a scented candle, read, snuggle with a pet if you have one. If you give your body a chance to get used to the idea of letting itself "relax"....the falling asleep may become a natural side affect.

I love scents in the house...I love candles. That is something Footballfan and I have looked into is the aromatherapy. There are lots of different scents that promote relaxation. And even if this aromatherapy thing is a crock....(which I don't believe it is) at the very least your home will smell lovely! But there are other things besides meds that can help you out...things that will help you deal with the stressors. Warm baths-bubbles,scents,oils,....
camomille tea, walking/exercising, listening to music, healthy eating (don't eat after 8:00pm) and for me (I have told you I am certified for manicure/pedicure) massaging Fooballfan's feet is something that is very relaxing for me. Most people want the massage--which yes that is nice as well--but I do find giving the massage to be relaxing.

Try some or all of these things. Take the time to let your brain relax.
We will be thinking of you and wishing you wellness.

Dutchie
Posted 9/29/2007 12:26 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Guys,

Things are much better today.  I am sure the Trazodone kicked my depression right out the window the other day 'cause it didn't last long.  Normally when I crash it's for much longer.  But I am feeling much better.  I made a point of reading your replies right away and made efforts to try your suggestions. 

LFW-I will try yoga some day, but I did try the resting thing, and it helped a little.  I'm going to do that more often.  I have a plan I am going to try with my bf.  When I get that together, I may post it to see what everyone thinks.

Dutchie, thank you so much for your support.  I too believe in scents and their effects.  I have been lighting my Pumpkin Spice candles all week...I love this time of year, fall, and when those candles are burning I feel comfort.  Also thank you for catching me on my negative thinking...ooops...! 

Olivia & Serafena, thank you so much for writing and being here for me.  I spent a lot of time with my dog and my cat too the last couple of days which helped.  An update for everyone...

I am having a support person through CMHA assigned to me.  Actually, the support is going to be from another group affiliated w/CMHA; WOTCH.  That was great news.  I will be sitting down with this person and making a plan in about 3 weeks...They said before the end of October.

Meds, pdoc...I am going to give it one more month before I make any decisions.  I didn't keep good track of my moods this past month, so my mood chart is going to be filled in every day for October.  I need to see exactly where I am. 

I did see my physician yesterday re the bladder infection.  I am done my antibiotics, but she is getting more testing done.  So far it looks like the infection has cleared up, but my doc is keeping on top of this.  I will continue with the cranberry juice.

Anyway, thank you guys so much for reaching out to me.  Once again your support got me through.  Thank you.

Posted 9/29/2007 6:16 PM (GMT 0)
Mogli,

I am happy for you, I am glad your depression didn't last that long. I guess the Trazadone is doing it's job after all. I hope your tests go well (@ the Dr.) , and you feel better soon. Bladder infections do not sound pleasant at all. I am also glad that you got to bond with your pets.
Posted 9/29/2007 6:50 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Olivia--I like your 10 good things list.  I'm glad school is going well for you.

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