Update on My BP Ex

Well done Casem! You did good! You held your ground. You emphasized his need to get well. You insisted he take you seriously. You've at least given him something to think about, and even if he doesn't chose to get help, you know you can be strong! You will get through this, one way or another.

Casem,

Thanks for keeping us posted. I too agree with Olivia and Serafena. You were very exact in the e-mail stating your position. He needs to be responsible for the next move. You're doing well and handling everything in a very positive way. I'm really impressed on how you have been handling everything.

Sincerely,

Casem,

Greetings..

I do not have BP, but like you, my partner has it.  I do not have any solid answer to make you feel better; no magic words.  I just wanted to reply to you to let you know that you are not going crazy.  Believe me, I've gone a bit bonkers trying to understand the inconsistancy the illness brings as well as the mixed messages it sends.

I started seeing a therapist in order to help me through it.  Along with educating myself as much as possible on the disorder, I am trying to come to terms with letting go of the desire to control the situation and letting go of logic.  As I go along, I'm discovering that BP doesn't exactly having a logical pattern to it.  Your ex (and now friend) is not thinking straight.  Unfortunately, he is not ready to take responsibility for his illness just yet.  It may take time or it may never happen.

The thought of having to say goodbye for your own well being must be incredibly painful and I am so sorry this is happening to you.  But it is the best thing you can do...for him and yourself right now.  You don't want to enable the disorder and that is what happens when you go along with acting like it's not there and not dealing with it. 

My partner has had it since childhood.  He takes his meds every day, and meets with his counselor every week and his pdoc on a regular basis as well. Currently he is having a depressive episode which has sucked all of his energy and passion away from him.  Inside, he is numb.  It's going on 4 months, but he keeps trying; charting his moods, seeing his doctors and doing what he needs to in order to get better and live a fairly normal life. 

The disorder is difficult to manage and it is something that does not go away, but is maintained for a lifetime with treatment.  It DOES not stop one from living a really great life. BUT, one must OWN the disorder in order to have the bast chance at a great life.  When I say own, I mean accept that it is an illness and treat the illness to get better; maintain a healthy lifestyle.

Just like a person who is a diabetic, they need their insulin.  Just like a person with a thyroid disorder, they need their thyroid supplement.  Just like an epiletic, they need their seizure medication.  While the symptoms may not be visual on the body, it is still a very serious illness that needs to be treated.   

Please have faith and a strong belief that you are doing the right thing right now.  By letting him know that you love him but also will not tolerate him not getting the proper help for his illness is the best way to communicate yourself to him.  It is really great how you separated the illness from who he is.  He needs to hear and see that.  The illness is not who he is but certainly is a part of him and he must be responsible for it.

If you need to vent or have questions or just want to share, I am here for you anytime.  You can email me or just add to the thread here.  I am not a professional and I'm not a veteran to this illness either, but from experience can relate.

Take care of yourself,

WCC

Casem,

Your continued stance on treatment for his illness or no family is exactly what you should be doing!  This, of course, is my own personal opinion and not a professional one.

It sounds like he wants to have the pleasures or a good life without working for it.  Please remember..what you choose to accept is what you will also be allowing your kids to accept.  How he is acting now and how he has acted in the past; is this acceptable behavior for your children to be around? You can have a normal family life with this man, so long as he seeks treatment and follows it for a lifetime. 

You are doing the right thing..please know this.

WCC

Casem, STAND STRONG. You already know the right answer here. WHAT LIFE DO YOU WANT? That is what counts...you already know that unless he is under treatment, successfully managing it for HIMSELF with some history under his belt about it...you have no future with this man. Wish him well, send him off with love, and remind him he is welcome to check back in with you when he has been successfully engaged in his treatment and is finding balance. This is HIS responsibility and not yours. If he ever returns in this healthy state, he is welcome to see where your life is at that time and see if you are willing to revisit a discussion on reconciliation then…NOT a moment before. At that time, you may or may not be still available. You are not planning to sit and wait. That will not serve either of you. But it is up to him how much time passes between now and then.

My thoughts anyway...Hugs, LFW

WCC, I was still on so I thought I’d clarify this for you, Casem does not have kids. The kids she is referring to are his kids from his first marriage, although I know she loves them dearly, and misses them terribly. Just thought I'd let you know. But when kids are involved...I agree with you 100%! LFW

Welllll....here is the latest with me and my BP ex.....

We sat down yesterday and had a calm, rational conversation about the cold, hard facts. He acknowledges that he has been trying so hard to fight the BP by himself and that it is making things worse. He accepts that he has BP, but is just still mad about it. We talked, in detail, about what happened two weeks ago. I think, more than ever, he sees the drastic changes from mania to depression and realizes he can't do it on his own. I told him about HW and encouraged him to use the site. 

I explained that I know 100% that I want a loyal, committed, devoted husband, and to have atleast one baby. I said that I need to plan my life and make decisions that will move me closer to that goal. I told him that I would love it if our family was me, him, and the boys, plus one of our own. (Which we have never agreed on for sure). BUT, I am OK to walk away if we can not fill each other's needs. And I meant it.

He says he wants a life with me and he feels in his heart that his place in life is with me. I told him that I love him, and if we are ever going to have a wonderful, healthy life together, he needs to focus on getting balanced. I said I didn't really even want to talk about reconciliation until he has started to take his BP care under HIS control by regular pdoc/therapist appts. and taking meds.

I bought two copies of "The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide: What You and Your Family Need to Know" by David Miklowitz. (GREAT BOOK! Thanks for the recommendation.)

I gave him one and kept one for myself. I told him that HE needs to lead his effort to be healthy and I will support him 100%. I told him that I love him, and I am here for him if he asks for help.

We proceeded to watch the Indians kick the Yankees butts. YEAH! We had a nice calm, enjoyable evening that ended in a very promising note. I feel good about where I am. I have managed to support him while still holding strong to my boundaries.

I will continue to focus on myself and making myself stronger, without any expectations of him. If he works hard and commits himself to managing his BP, I am open to a future. But I am also much more grounded in my own reality than I have ever been. In the past, I would let him lead the conversation, trust ever word he was saying, and be "blissfully ignorant" to the never ending roller coaster we were on.

I can't thank you all enough for helping me gain a new perspective to my life. I feel encouraged and empowered. I know only time will tell....but I am hopeful for both of us...for different reasons.

I didn't tell him that we couldn't talk and to only call me once he is balanced. I am open to occasional conversations and spending time together. Do you think this is a mistake? As usual, I appreciate your candid feedback.

Thanks!

Thank you , serafena.

He is very receptive to "owning" his BP. I think he is a bit overwhlemed, but he said that he has thought about it, and obviously knew before he called me that it was going to be a necessary thing in order to make a relationship work, and he wants it to work with me. I believe him, but I also know it is a lot of hard work, so now he needs to "put his money where his mouth is". he said his next step is to schedule his appt. with his pdoc and get back on his meds.

I kept telling him all of the stories I read on HW and how he would see himself in them. He was very interested and relieved to hear there are so many other people that share his struggles. I hope he uses this as a wonderful resource and outlet.

Casem, Wow, great work! I hope for his own sake he stays committed so he can have a bright healthy future, but also because you are a wonderful person. I DO caution you however to please do not get sucked in yet, or create too much hope until the evidence and time shows you it’s safe to. It is VERY easy to fall into that without even realizing it. (Been there, done that!). I think speaking with him is fine on occasion...but perhaps you should put some space about that in the beginning after this talk. You know, as an example, in rehab, they don't allow patients to speak to their families for the first month. They need to get further along in their recovery first. You have had this wonderful talk, you seem to have gotten through, his responses were very promising....NOW, let him really take action for himself. Perhaps you should ask to not speak the first month, but set a date to speak one month from now to touch base with each other. You have plenty to do for you in the meantime, and it will keep perspective for you. Then, if you want to speak on occasion once he is on his way - as it were – then do that. But it isn’t until stability is recovered, and consistency exists over a good long time... you can begin to work on that potential reconciliation you spoke about if you both still want it. Does this make sense? I know I sound like the voice of reason here, and you have shared how balanced and grounded you feel - and THAT IS TERRIFIC! I see that in what you wrote too. I want to see that continue for you. If he is going to pull out of this, and be the man you hope him to be, then he will be that whether you speak to him right now or not. But it protects you just a bit. Just the mommy in me rearing up again...LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 10/5/2007 12:48:13 PM (GMT-6)

And that is why I ask the questions...you guys are wonderfully awesome.

You are absolutely right....don't stop here...don't let the comfort sink in while things are calm.  I need to give the tough love. I like the idea of checking in around one month from now to check in on progress. That will help me stay focused and help him stay focused, if he is sincere.

It is so easly to slide right back in to those patterns.....thanks for the tough love....i needed it, and that's why i asked for it.

I will have a conversation with him today establishing the ground rules for communication. 

Thank you so much for caring!

Hi Casem, it's a wonderful thing to love someone and accept them with a disease up front and support them, and I know that you are a strong caring woman. Not many women out there like us. I would like to add some insight to you about boundaries. I don't want you to get offended I'm just saying this so you can be aware so I will tell you what happen to me when I failed to keep boundaries with my husband concerning his meds. We played the going back and forth game. I would get mad at him in an episode then kick him out and he would got to his moms. He would call and say he wanted to come home and especially tell me things like, I'm taking my meds or I'm going to take my meds for you. I would trust him and do away with the boudary I declared because I was so eager after he told me what I wanted to hear. Then he would do the same thing---get off his meds or say he ws taking them and end up manic, cursing at police and doing al kind of disruptive stuff. I would call the ambulance and they would ask him if he was willing to go to the hospital and he always said no, he was ok. Then they would leave and I would be stuck with him and his verbal abuse. I would tell him that he had to leave and go live at his moms if he wouldn't take the meds. He would get his things but he would come around and end up speding the night and he would be the same. Not serious about his meds and missing pdoc appointments.

We developed a pattern of him leaving the house in rage, going to sleep over a friends house that night then calling me yelling from there, getting arrested within that week and hospitals--back to moms house then back to my house after he said I will take my meds I love you and I am sorry for everything I did. When he was around and not taking the resonsability for his illness I would see the destruction caused by his noncompliance with treatement; casino gambling with my money, disrespectful words said to me and anyone we knew, walking the floors all night long....the list goes on, then I would feel so GUILTY for not keeping my word and letting him back hm so soon. I felt like it was all my fault since I knew what needed to be done Then he would end up in the HP and in jails and I would bail him out for fear that things would get worst. I would feel too guilty to kick him out of the house and stay at his moms because I would say "He's ill, he didn't know what he was doing!" Put it like this, I said over and over again what I was going to do but when I didn't stick strongly by what I said, he pushed me into dealing with him just being manic and dangerous.

Finally I noticed that I was drained of being pushed into a relationship type that I really didn't want and like LFW was talking about----I opened my eyes to what I truley wanted out of a man and for my life. Because when it comes down to it, I am still responsable for my own happiness, joy, peace and safety and I cannot knowingly hang aroung him in a terrible state that he won't take responsability for and take care of myself. Loving myself is not exposing myself to someone who is being purposly careless about something that can become extremely dangerous. I love my husband too, and I am in the wrong if I know what's best for him but won't go through with it to help save his life and my own as well. We really don't know how far BP can go when unchecked. It can be devestating and what your doing for him is possibly saving his life if he takes advantage of that opportunity, by chosing to step away from the relationship until he does what he needs to do for himself. I know it's hard because I too am battling with the phone calls from my husband to my house, cell, and my job and I made a choice to not pick up the phone as well. He needs time to reflect on something that can cost him his life---not a relationship. He needs his health to be truley happy with me and so do I.

Also after seeing how bad his last bp made him act out towards me and the family---I never want to be with him unless I know I can take care of myself and HELP him take care of himself. I realized that I cannot handle a chaotic relationship that turned abusive emotionally. Never will I accept this. So please keep doing the right thing by keeping your word with him, he wil respect you for in the end.

Post Edited (drawingboard) : 10/6/2007 12:16:25 AM (GMT-6)

Those are all such wise words. I'm so with you guys. It is so easy to get drawn back in, isn't it. I hope he follows through, Casem. Keep on doing your thing, though, and being your fabulous self. Time will tell with him.