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I got sucked back in to the chaos of his BP....

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Posted 10/14/2007 4:31 PM (GMT 0)
How could I be so stupid? I actually got my hopes up and got sucked back in to the delusions of Michael and his bi-polar disorder. When we last spoke, I believed him when he said he was going to work on managing his bi-polar so we could be together. I believed him when he said that he loved me and wanted a life with me. I was so proud of myself when I told him that I wold like that too, but he needed to be managing his BP with PDOC and meds and to call me when he has made progress.

I had a terrible day this past Wed., not only did a close friend's husband pass away suddenly...I witnessed a tragic car accident. It was a police car, the police man lost control of the car, and crashed, and it burst into flames. Several men tried to get him out, but they couldn't and he burned to death. I actually witnessed it and the image will be with me forever.

In a moment of weakness, I called Michael. (Still thinking all of the above were true and that we were both on the same page in his recovery.) He seemed nice and stable and he was very supportive of me. Then....we made plans to see eachother Sat. night to watch the Indians game. We talked several times before then, but on Sat....I reconsidered. I told him that it would make things to hard, and even though I miss him and want to see him, we should stick to our original plan. I apologized for calling him and taking his focus off of his recovery. He was totally fine and wasn't mad, and said that it was up to me...he would love to see me, but understands.

Then...he called me later to say he was watching the game over a friend's house. Something about it didn't seem right....but whatever. His dad called me shortly thereafter looking for him. We talked for quite awhile catching up and it seems Michael has been lying to both of us again. His dad told me he hasn't been at work for (10) days and is in danger of losing his job.  He told me he has caught Michael drinking several times and even this week found him in the basement, drunk, with a 12 pack.

I repeatedly called Michael...he didn't answer. When he finally did, I confronted him about not being at his friends, and he told me that he was on a date!!!!  I screamed at him for 10 minutes and then hung up. I called all right after for an hour (like a freakin' pyscho) and he didn't answer the phone once.

His dad called me @ 8:30 am this morning and said Michael hadn't been home all night. I went to his dad's house, and he finally came home. We talked and fought and he was still drunk. He says he just wanted to go out and have fun....he didn't sleep with her....he slept on her couch. He said it wasn't my business b/c we aren't together. In my stupidity, I continued to fight with him and ask for an explanation....how could he say all of those things two weeks ago and then go out with another girl. (Mind you, this is a totally new girl he met on yahoo singles, not the one that he went out with a few weeks ago). He said he meant all of those things, but we weren't together now and he wanted to date other people. WHAT? I tried to explain to him that is basically the exact opposite of what he said two weeks ago. He said he does want us to be together eventually, when he gets his s**t together.  He was arrogant and stubborn and I tried to explain about the episode and drinking and BP, and he didn't want to hear it. 

Now I am here again, alone, crying, with a knot in my stomach, asking myself how could I let this happen again. I was in a good place. I had wished him well and went on my way. He just kept calling and texting, and he sounded so sincere. Am I the biggest shmuck in the world or what? I actually believed that he wanted to be with me, and that he wanted to get better. HE sounded like his normal, lucid self. Now he acts like I am the crazy one and why wouldn't he go out with other people?

Did he just call me in a bout of depression to make himself feel better? Did he just pursue me for the sake of his own ego to see that I would be there to support him again? He didn't sincerely want to be with me....he only manipulated me for his own gratification. How could he do that to me? I am smarter than that.....I BELIEVED HIM. I literally hate myself right now for being so STUPID. I was doing so great.

Posted 10/14/2007 5:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Casem,

I'm sorry. It must really hurt to be going through what you are with Michael. You know you're just in the same boat that you were in earlier. Obviously Michael isn't doing anything to manage his bipolar yet. This is just another eye opener/reality check for you. Look how you are feeling right now. You know this is not what you want. Michael is again trying to manipulate you, making you look like the mad woman. So, you made a mistake by calling him. But in a way it is good too. Because you now know that for all this time he has done nothing to help himself as you had thought he was doing.

Just dust yourself off and go back to everything that you had learned to do to go on with your life and survive all of this. You were doing so well Casem, but at least now you know How Serious Michael REALLY is about taking care of HIMSELF! So now you must go on taking care of YOURSELF!

Hang in there Casem. You can pull yourself back together. ((((Hugs to you)))) please continue to post so that we can continue to give you the support that you need.

 

Posted 10/14/2007 9:41 PM (GMT 0)
After a day of crying and tying my stomach in knots....I called him again...HE WAS AT HER HOUSE......the girl he just went out with last night for the first time. I was screaming at him,.......how could he do this to me? He has hurt me so much...he knows how much he hurt me this weekend, and he has no desire to talk to me. HE HUNG UP ON ME and now he won't answer the phone. I am that insignificant to him. All he could say is that he is sorry for making this so confusing for me, and that he is confused. I asked him to explain himself b/c what he is doing is so f'd up and he said he knows its f'd up and he can't explain it.

HOW COULD HE SIT THERE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN KNOWING WHAT A WRECK I AM? How can he go out with someone else after hearing me crying and knowing he did it? Is this what he wanted all along? To see what emotions he could get out of me...it was challenge to him b/c I was being so strong????

I literally want to die. I can't take it anymore. treating me like i am nothing. ignoring my calls,,,choosing to be with someone else when only a week ago he told me how much he loved me and wanted to get better for us...so we could be together. why> i just want to die....

Posted 10/15/2007 2:55 AM (GMT 0)
Oh dear, poor Casem. You poor thing. I wish I were there because you need a major hug. I hope you go somewhere where there is someone who loves you for real and who will just hug you. Find a friend or go to your family's and just get some love, affection and support, because that's what you need.

My take is this: You had two emotional, traumatic things happen, and you turned to the person who you were most used to relying on for comfort. He'd been showing signs of levelling out and getting dependable. It seemed a safe bet. But that's just not how it turned out. He'd been hedging his bets and being a schm**k. Now you REALLY need comforting.

I'm so sorry he's disappointed you again. Let him go. You're really going to be grieving this relationship full time for a while now, so go easy on yourself. Call in your resources again: your loving boardmates *jumping up and down and waving giant foam #1 fingers*, your family, your friends. We will stand behind you and remind you again and again if necessary that you are BETTER OFF without him.

I would also like to add that I'm sorry to hear about the death of your friend's husband. And witnessing even a minor accident always shakes me up, so I am very, very sorry you had to see something so awful, and I hope you can talk that through with someone and try to forget about it as soon as possible.

Let us know what you need...
Posted 10/15/2007 3:22 AM (GMT 0)
I would just leave him alone & get on with your life.He's not worth it..............
Posted 10/15/2007 4:51 AM (GMT 0)
Casem....Okay...I will first deal with the last issue you brought up and work my way backwards...so be prepared for straight talk my dear....

You DON"T want to die...YOU just want the pain you are in to STOP...AND YOU HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN....AND YOU WILL. Part of the reason the pain is so bad this time is that some of it is your own doing – and you know that. That feeling of "I want to die" is just your inner voice crying out with anger, frustration, and sorrow to be SLAPPED in the face with the truth you SO badly didn’t want to see, and the truths you feared and didn’t want to face. Plus the shame that you got so sucked in and you lost control of you and behaved in a way you are not proud of. So...here is reality....YOU will survive Michael and have a great life, HE will remained "F'ed"-up potentially for the rest of his days. You are angry at yourself for him TROLLING with a bated hook that you bit again. The good news is that after this last deception...it has broken the line the hook was attached to. The bad news is that you now need to swim away and remove the hook AGAIN (this can also be viewed as good news since this FINALLY without question, answers your "what if's"!). So...take your power back from this very ill person (as he DOES NOT deserve it) and keep it for yourself and NEVER give it away to him again. He has PROVEN himself untrustworthy REGARDLESS of ANY words he throws at you. You now know that his "words of sincerity" are nothing but manipulations to feed his own needs with NO regard for you. A well man would NOT behave that way. He would have a balanced heart, and even in a break up or during relationship mending, would have integrity. Michael has PROVEN he is NOT capable. His needs will always come first with him, and any concern for you won't even be on his list unless it serves a purpose for HIM. Wellness or not, is no longer the point. You will not be with a man this ill, who does not embrace wellness for himself. From this day forth, his wellness or illness can no longer be your concern. He will have to sink or swim on his own. HE has LOST the best thing in his life…YOU, and as he is TOO ill to realize it, if he ever wakes up to REAL wellness – he will spend a lifetime kicking himself for his cowardice to face his own illness in time to save what he had with you. YOU on the other hand will be JUST FINE…HAPPY, married to a GREAT healthy man, and a couple of kids in tow…I have NO doubt. You need to recognize what a person who wants to get well looks like…Dutchie is a perfect example of someone striving for truth and wellness. It is not just in her words, but her actions…and with or without FBF, she is CHOOSING integrity in this process no matter what pain she has to own and face. Michael does not remotely resemble that, and unless he did...believe it or not...he has just done you the biggest favor of your life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO...”want to die” sweetie...NOT A CHANCE!!!!!!!!!!!! You are TOO good for that, and he is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay…with all that said, working backwards in your postings…YOU are not stupid, YOU are human, and YOUR love exists in a pure heart. Did you make an error and leave yourself completely vulnerable for this to happen? Unfortunately YES. Does that make you bad and wrong…ABSOLUTELY NOT. It was your last bastion of hope, and his LAST snow job upon you. NOW you will never let this happen again. NOW you are ready to really heal…the rose colored glasses are gone. YOU are not alone to this experience; we’ve ALL been through it at one time. Did you loose your posture and turn into a screaming meme – dripping in desperation? Yep. And here is what I have to say to that….SO WHAT!!!!!!!!!! Sweetie, you can also view that as a huge crying out in pain having finally seen him for who he is. Rage that he has hurt you so deeply and taken your love and tossed it aside without a thought or care for you. So now there is ONLY one thing to do…FORGIVE YOURSELF…dust yourself off….pick yourself up….and start fresh and clean. SO you ask, how you will do that?…IMO, here is what you should do…1) re-read ALL your threads from the beginning again. 2) collect up ALL the things that are his, that remind you of him, whatever….box them up, and take them to his father’s and in BIG RED LETTERS on the box have it read….NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN…WE ARE OVER!!!!!!!!!!! 3) Attach a short note saying something to the effect…”You have NO interest in hearing from him; you will not answer his calls, texts, e-mails…etc. He is NOT to ever contact you again. As far as you are concerned there is NOTHING more for him to ever say to you, as you wouldn’t believe him anyway. There is no need for goodbyes, you are getting on with your life and it will no longer include him. He can spiral down into the pit, where truth and dignity don’t exist, but he will no longer pull you down as well. You will mourn the loss of YOUR Michael, as he is no longer him. You choose a healthy life for yourself and his actions have shown you, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he does not. You feel nothing but sorry for him, and will pray that one day his cowardice will end and he will face his illness and will allow himself to get the help he needs. That you feel his children deserve nothing less from their father!”…..THEN sign your name. 4) Give his father a loving hug goodbye and wish him well. Tell him you will miss him. 4.1) And then send that letter we spoke of on another post to his children saying goodbye and completing with them too. 5) Write a list of the top 5 things you want for yourself in the next month, and one sentence explanations for each one about how you are going to go about fulfilling that for yourself. 6) Invite your 1,2 or 3 of your favorite people over for the next “game” to watch and make it a pot luck with exotic foods or MASSIVE quantities of the GOOD junk foods!!!!!!!!!! 7) Call your mom and tell her you are coming to stay next weekend and you want LOTS of marshmallows in your hot chocolate and extra special mommy cuddles to wipe the booboo away. 8) The next Monday…clean your house and buy yourself some new couch pillows, a new bedspread/comforter, and a new toothbrush. It will feel like a mini cleansing. 9) Lastly, after this, try and meet a few gal pals at the classiest joint in town for after hour cocktails and toast to your bright, bright future….by then you will start seeing it again.

I know this is long…I will wrap it up with these final thoughts…I know you are in pain, and if I was there I would hold you and tell you to cry until there is nothing left for you to cry with. It hurts like hell to find out that love given so purely was treated so callously in return after all. There is NO getting around that pain, there is only through it. YOU will be okay. THAT I have no doubt about. Just grieve and realize the Michael you loved is gone…for if he was here, this would never have been how he treated you. Will he return? Right now the answer is NO…and you can not wait…that is not an option for you unless you are willing to go through this pain over and over…which we BOTH know you are not. And to the person occupying him now…there is NOTHING more for you to say…YOUR Michael is not in there and it is a WASTE of your precious self to try and find him. Vent into a pillow, vent to us, vent in a journal, go to a support group, see friends, spend time with mom…but recognize YOUR Michael is gone and you just didn’t really know it for sure until now. Forgive yourself for not seeing it before, let go, then let yourself heal and go on…. You are in my thoughts and prayers that your smile will return soon. You have a lot to be proud of yourself for…you are a strong and wonderful person with an even more wonderful heart that in time will learn to love again…. LFW
Posted 10/15/2007 4:17 PM (GMT 0)
Casem, I am also so sorry for the loss of your friend's husband, I am sure she will also need a lot of love and tenderness too. Perhaps you can hold each others hand through the pain until you both feel better footed to cope. Then after hearing that news, to follow it up with seeing such a grousom event, totally tragic for both the police officer and all the witnesses. Try and remember that as tragic as all these events have been, what to hold on to is the existance of each person. In a quite moment, send them both prayers of peace and let them know they will be remembered. Even if you didn't know one of them...their life mattered. Then...go leave some flowers, write a prayer for his soul, a note for how sorry you are that this occurred for him and leave it by the road where it happened if it is appropriate, or send it to his widow or parents...or put it on some helium balloons and send it up to him. Find your closure in the experience of doing this if you can. If you can't...seek help. Know that the images will in time fade. HUGS Casem...you're in my thoughts....LFW
Posted 10/15/2007 5:16 PM (GMT 0)

oh Casem I can so relate to what you are going through. If I could hug you I would. (My earlier post was 'did I do the right thing') I HAVE SO BEEN THERE! And I can actually feel all that emotional pain. Even to the thoughts of dying! The pain was so much. I also understand the hurt with everything going on in your life right now.  Before my bipolar boyfriend Paul  I had an Asergers boyfirend, (when I first met Paul I tried so hard not to fall in love with him knowing his problems and because of my previous relationship but he always said I would and by the time I had found out about bipolar it was too late and I did!). I told this previous boyfriend that when my sister in law died who was suffering with cancer I would really need him.  She was the last person in my life I was really close to.  I had lost everyone within a matter of 3 years.  The day she died he was really caring and took me straight home from work but the day of the funeral he left me on my own all day, didnt' even call and went to an internet party to see another woman! I wanted to scream and yell and just die. I couldn't understand how anyone could be so cruel!

I have finished with my bipolar boyfriend Paul now for 3 months after his constant drinking and taking meds only when he wasn't drinking and I have related these things to you just to say please don't torture yourself by trying to make sense of what he is doing or why he is hurting you.  THERE IS NO SENSE! And that goes for the emotions too. HE IS ILL.  His brain is not working like mine or yours. Whatever he says will only be for the moment, the next day it will be different. Accept what is.  Nothing will change and you may never find the answers.  If you keep getting hurt.. RUN. I too  have had the manipulation and the hurt. 

 I accept now while he is drinking nothing is for real. I too have been duped by him.  When I first split up with Paul he called me making out something was wrong so I went to him only to find he was drunk and wanted some company and comfort as his new girlfriend (a married woman who is going to leave her husband for him) hadn't text him. How could he do that to me? He also used to text me to say he really wanted to see me and other times he said he had been so  close to calling me and he could have been so happy with me. (All the time while he is with his new girlfriend). He has also text me letting me know he is drinking all week (his ususal ploy hoping I will get him out of the pub). I still can't understand why he wants me in his life but I don't look too deep into it now and have learnt to accept the illness and keep my distance.  Try not to ask questions that there are no answers for.  It will only drive you scatty and you deserve more than that. You really don't need that hurt in your life. He has tried three times now in various ways to see me but I have put him off.  I know if I see him it will only hurt me, and my health and happiness is the most important thing now. IT'S HIS LOSS NOW. I look after myself first thanks to the help of people on here. Someone suggested I read 'Co dependant no more' and it helped me stay strong and let him go. I can't help him any more. And I can't stop him drinking. Only he can do that. I let him text me just to let him know I am here as a friend and in case he feels down but otherwise I keep my distance and carry on moving forward. We will have blips (I had one last week, I let him get to me) but I have a night of tears and then the next day is a brand new day.

I am still here Casem and looking forward to meeting the guy that will be able to give me all the understanding and love that I need and I am getting stronger every day and starting to enjoy myself again.  I will carry on waiting whether it takes 1 or 5 years for that guy and in the mean time I intend to enjoy myself and everything life has to offer.  I really hope you will join me and do the same.  We both deserve so much more. By all means give him your friendship but don't let him have your heart.  Save it for the guy who can give you his back!

Big hugs

Posted 10/15/2007 6:01 PM (GMT 0)
Casem and Leaky, I caution you both about "giving him your friendship", it is a dangerous slippery slope that you are better not to be on. You will do yourselves both better to wish them well and cut off all contact and FULLY let it go. Otherwise...even just a little, you are still feeding their illness. That last bastion of comfort so rock bottom is never fully reached. And for yourselves...believe it or not...just that little bit takes energy to keep yourself in check with them. It keeps that grain of "hope" alive, and in your cases...that won't serve either one of you. Letting go and moving on means just that...they don't need your friendship's as much as you both need to be FULLY free. You shouldn't have the occassional "blip" as you pointed out Leaky, you have wasted enough on him. List me 2 positives the relationship with him serves in YOUR life RIGHT NOW...I bet you are hard pressed to come up with one, and if it DOESN"T serve you VERY POSTITIVELY, remove it from your life. This should now only be about YOU.  You already know you are a good person, you don't need to put yourself through any more to prove that...now it just holds you back from healing FULLY. Please think about it. LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 10/15/2007 12:22:25 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/15/2007 6:37 PM (GMT 0)
Casem, I am at work and have not read this whole thread... but none the less....

You have once again taken the thoughts right out of my head.... I have been riding this he loves me, he loves me not roller coaster ride for almost a year. And YES it hurts just as much everytime i get my hopes up. I try not to, I try and stay tuff, I try not to give in.... But in the end, I am just a girl in love with a "stupid boy", and my heart always ends up broke....

My point is your not stupid, and your not alone. It is human nature, female romatic's that make us want to believe our love can save them.... it's just up to us newbies to keep reading and rereading words from the others to get our hearts to listen to what our brains already know. I am thinking of you, please have a better day....
Posted 10/15/2007 11:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Casem,

 

You've been in my thoughts all day. I hope you are doing a little better today. ((((Hugs for you)))))

 

Sincerely,

Posted 10/16/2007 1:55 AM (GMT 0)

Hey Casem, I am fairley new to this forum and I would like to give you my deepest sympathy to the accident you witnessed and your friend's husband.

I want you to know that you are not alone. I too have been disappointed by my own husband to the point that I decided to do what you were doing to micheal which was moving on and not depending on him to feel free to live your life. I can honestly say that I have been in your shoes, maybe not exactly like what you went through but something like it. My husband in a bipolar fit made sexual references about other women to me while sick and it got so bad that I felt disrespected by him and I knew that in order for me to be free I had to cut myself off from him. I took his name off the lease, and off some of the bills and even stoped answering some of the calls. I try not to take him too serious because I never want my heart to be manipulated by him AGAIN!!! I don't really trust him to be consistant, while not medicated but I know that when he is stabalized he is a great man. Now his is compliant with his meds, and stuff and I believe it was because I would let him sink right to the bottom if he didn't do it. I had to do things to him that I thought were mean for a wife to do; like refuse to give him what he wanted from me(money, closeness, conversation) I had to do this.

No matter how much you love this man and forgive him for what he did----never forget what he did and take it into consideration no matter if he calls you and apologizes. He would have to be a totally changed person in order to be safe for you. I say this because I would forgive my husband's offenses and decide to let him in the house or be around him with no real proof of change. I would desire his closeness only to be let down and badly hurt. He is an ill man and try not to take this personal because you reacted like a real woman in your shoes would have reacted if she found out what you did. It was an honest response.  But you really have to take care of yourself because "You deserve it" you need nurturing and care and the more you do this for yourself---mentally he will start to dissappear from your mind. Next thing you know you will start to get your energy back and see goals being fullfilled in your life.

I know this because I started to take care of myself and my husband does not over crowd my thoughts with bipolar because I no loger take on the responsability. He will have to sink or swim.

Posted 10/16/2007 9:07 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you LFW.  I have taken your good advice on board as I did before and will carry on doing so and i hope Casem will too.  As far as any hope goes I have moved on and know that out relatiosnhip is truly over.  THERE IS NO HOPE. He has hurt me too much for that.  The only reason I allow him to text me is when we split up he asked if we could still be friends and I don't want to go back on my word.  But...I am learning very quickly especially from my little blip and know that getting too close is asking for trouble.  That is why I won't see him anymore.  I suppose another reason I allow him to text (and that is not very often these days) is he always used to try and do what I asked.  He tried to take his tablets, he tried to stop drinking.  And he always said he needed to sort his life out.  I just leave that line open in case one day he really does want to sort his life out and he needs my advice like I would any other friend but nothing more!!  I know there will never be a future.  I'm moving on.  Thoughts of him get further away every day and I am happy.  My little blip was maybe for the good times that we had and the next morning I felt another part of him was out of my system.  But thats where he will stay.....in the past. And once again thank you for your advice and help.

     

Posted 10/17/2007 3:23 AM (GMT 0)
Casem, how are you doing? I am concerned, we have not heard from you since Sunday. Please check in with us and let us know you are alright. I think I can safely speak for everyone and say we really do care about you. You're in my thoughts.....A BIG HUG TO YOU. LFW
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