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Posted 10/16/2007 5:08 AM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone. It's nice to know there are others out there who will understand what I am going through - I hope. I'm feel ing very scared. I'm taking Nardil and it's been working pretty well for about 3 years, but I've lapsed into a major depressive episode and my former psychiatrist increased my dosage, but it's been 2 months and no improvement. Ther SSRI's were nightmare. Where now? Due to some unusual circumstances I am without a psychiatrist and it could be months before my family doc can find one for me. I'm also multiple and I need someone who believes in the diagnosis. My doctor thinks I should consider ECT, but I did some research and you can't do it when you're on Nardil - could be lethal, and i'm afraid of what it might do the memories I don't even know about. It may not sound reasonable, but I don't want to risk losing my history when i don't even know yet what it is. No matter what, I'll have to go off Nardil completely before trying anything new. I feel very depressed and dejected. I know lots of you have also been on the med merry-go-round. Not fun. I've been trying to make life meaningful by writing, but I'm afraid if this continues, gets worse maybe, I won't be able to do anything but sleep and cry. I'm venting. I don't have much of a support system. I rely on crisis lines to keep going. I keep waiting for life to settle down a bit so I can catch my breath and gather some strength. I think maybe that's going to happen soon. tomorrow I have to tell my doctor about A lump in my breast . I went through this in May and it was only fat. I'm sure this one is too, but it wasn't there in May. I dread the exam way more than any fear of cancer. I'm a survivor of sexual abuse, so the exam is really, really awful for me to endure. So, this isn't a good night, but I'll get through it because I have too. I have three precious grandchildren and one on the way.

Now that I re-read this I want to delete it - it sounds so "poor me," but it's my reality, so I'll just say thanks for hearing me. It helps.

 

blessing Waters

Posted 10/16/2007 1:37 PM (GMT 0)
This is what the forum is for, Blessing Waters -- support and "hearing" one another. Feel free to vent, and no need to apologize.

You've certainly got a very unique set of circumstances. Your drugs have stopped working effectively and you're already on what is considered, by many, the "last stop" for depression. I've got to say I'd agree with your doc that ECT is probably your best option. You'd have to get off the Nardil to do that, obviously, but you will to try another drug anyway. I can imagine how frightening the prospect of losing memories is, but you've got to weigh that against the agony of your current mood. And as I'm sure you've seen in the research about ECT, long term memories aren't the ones which are in particular danger -- it's the short term memories -- those immediately surrounding the procedure, which are most likely to be erased.

It must be awful to have MPD and have trouble finding doc who will treat it. You mentioned your family. Are they supportive and helpful?

Good luck with the breast exam. Try to remember that the doctor is just doing his or her job and wants to help you, not harm you. We're crossing our fingers for you.
Posted 10/17/2007 3:06 AM (GMT 0)

Thanks so much Serafena for your kindness and support. As far as family goes, I have had to "divorce" them to feel safe. I have 6 brothers,all older, no sisters. At least two of my brothers sexually abused me, but I suspect more. Both my father and mother also abused me, as well as my paternal grandfather. No one in the family beleives me. My father is dead and and my mother is 91. I still see her, as the guilt is too much to not do so. I tried for about 4 years, but it just got to me, and I started seeing her again. She is in complete denial over everything. Everyone thinks she is the just the nicest old lady...

I saw my doctor today and he wants me in the hospital, but whether or not there would be a bed is a huge issue. He wants me in a safe place to sort out the meds, as I have been cutting. I have promised that I would not commit susicide and I mean that, but I've been at the bottom for many months now and it's just time to do something. My psychologist is really against the ECT, but hasn't said why. I am against it, too, but that's a decision I can make only when it comes up as a real proposal. I've never been in the hospital, so Im scared, but I'm scared anyway. I'm presenting a seminar about DID on Friday so I have to keep it together until that's over because it's really, really important for me to do it. My doctor said if "any little thing happens" on the weekend, I am to go to the hospital for sure. Problem is, I can't say I know what he means by "any little thing!" I see him on Monday and I expect he will be sending me off to the hospital. It's weird, because I look at his face and I can see he is more worried than I am. I guess I'm dissociated from my feelings and that's the whole point of having DID - it's protective, but it isn't real. I couldn't face the breast exam today. I was freaking out last night because of it and of course did some cutting. I chose to let it go until next week and he forgot - he told me not to forget and I didn't. I'm really very naughty and manipulative, aren't I? I was thrown off though, when a resident walked into the exam room. I'm usually asked if I mind, and I would have said I did mind, but the nurse didn't ask. I will deal with it on Monday when I won't have to be trying so hard to stay upright. I'm really not worried. I think I'm a bit manic tonight. I had 3 hours sleep last night (again) and didn't need to nap. I'm feeling a bit jumpy. I really hate it, flopping around like a big fat fish out of water. That's what being bi-polar feels like to me. Take care all, Blessing

Posted 10/17/2007 1:07 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry that you had such an awful upbringing. What a weight that must be to carry around. I'm surprised you've not been in the hospital before, given your history and dramatic symptoms. If you do go, it is stressful and scary at first, but after you get there you'll find that it's just a hospital. You can walk around, you go to a lot of therapy sessions, the food is awful and you're bored out of your skull, but it's not nearly so awful as it seems like it's going to be.

As to the breast exam -- you can request a woman do it, if that would make any difference to you.

I'm a cutter also, so I sympathize there, but I managed to kick it, and here's how. You have to remember it doesn't really solve anything. It doesn't actually make you feel any better. It helps you disassociate, that's true, and it feels numbing for a time, but then you come crashing back in and you've got the evidence and it just reminds you how screwed up you feel, and actually gives you PROOF of how screwed up you are. It's counter-productive, like being an alcoholic. It's a short-term high. So when I would have the urge to do it, I would get out of the room I was in and do anything else. This was REALLY hard at first and took superhuman will. I found going shopping helped, because it gave me that same "out of it" feeling without having to hurt myself. (Don't buy anything crazy!) I'd put on loud, loud music. I'd smoke a cigarette, which worked because I don't smoke, so I still felt like I was hurting myself without doing any visible harm. I'd call a friend. I'd write. Anything else but sit there and do it. It was really hard and took about a year, but I did it.

Why? Because it's important to start treating ourselves better than those abusive parents treated us all those years ago. We deserve better.

I'm thinking about you. Let us know how things are going.
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