flat to sad to okay.

new to this bipolar stuff. seems i plummeted into major depression that rapidly cycled to nothing. then yesterday, like a bubble popped, i felt good, did dishes, etc, then back to flat on the couch watching fluff. got so bad that all i could manage was funniest videos or some such trash. used to show interest in things. now can't deal most of the time. t/w priest yesterday. feel like i'm letting everyone down. why can't i have a cast on my leg so people can see that i'm hurting and hold me, help me? not dealing well with dx of bipolar at all. have always feared it because of someone i know who has it, and i've seen him in manic state. really scared me. know i don't have that but still worried if i am doing something because i want to or if just manic. how do you sort it out? how do you know when cycling will hit? scared to go out into public for fear it will hit me. have had TLE for years, and took a while to get used to that, but those seizures are just self-punishment. this is worse. don't like the flatness. just went on depaikote & seraquel friday. does it ever kick in? lot of "what ifs" on this one. keep feeling guilty that i'm just pretending i'm sick so i don't have to do things that need to be done. afraid to ask for help. i'm too needy. linda

it's shutdown time. cannot deal with previously caring friends who are now too busy to care any longer. told you, i sap people. too late. cannot deal with them any longer. hurts every time i get told they're too busy going to this committee meeting or another. other is in co-counceling and says there's no such thing as mental illness. time to turn off phone, ignore the outside. can only go where i can be totally ignored. this cycling is bull. it's me. i ask more than i deserve. all gone. pdoc doesn't return calls, so i must be okay. also questioning if anything i ever did was because i was manic. does not compute. i don't understand. see therp later and will cut her free too. she has others who need help more to see. god, i feel horrible. like knives in my brain. cannot deal. plus screwed up telling you what meds doc gave me. it's fetchin' lamictal not depakote. but 5 mg. or what he called baby dose. still on carbitrol. nothing is working. too impatient. too alone, too scared. linda

i give up. am i feeling normal or manic? doing things, eating up a storm. but is it feeling better or manic? who am i? did i do all those past things because i was in manic state, or because i had energy and commitment to a cause? why/how does any disappointment hurt so much no matter how small it it. feel blown off no matter what it is. doctor doesn't call, so i'm blown off and he must think i'm fine. friend can't do something, so i'm blown off and just will keep her at a distance from now on. cutting off/shutting down as much as i can. don't know why i'm bothering to post here. one place i feel safe i guess. people look at post and move on. getting blown off on the internet somehow doesn't hurt quite as much. used to it.

linda