Wife that is Bipolar!

I think I have definetly learned or am learning the hard way! First of all I want to assure all of you that I am completely in love with my wife and her needs do come first - I know a lot of times I vent on here about what I need but that's because if I told her it would make her feel worse. Anyway we have never been through the depression stage before - maybe lower than normal but not this critical. She started getting what we thought was sick 65 month's ago then finally hit rock bottom so this is new to both of us. I try to handle her feelings delicately but I think maybe I talk to abruptly at points and she gets defensive. I'm not being mean or anything just talking normally as I would to her if she werent sick. Got to work on this. But this depression/bipolar thing is rough. One day she's worried I'm going to leave her the next she's not sure if she can live with me the rest of her life. Never know which it will be! Is thinking like this normal with depression? She says she scared to death to go to work cause she might say somthing wrong or lose it in front of her kids. She turns to me for answers and I don't know what to tell her - on one hand I'd love to tell her to stay home but on the other we need her check. Two educators just can't live on one check. And as soon as she stayed home she'd be miserable cause we didn't have any money. I don't know what to do> I can never say anything right at this point anyway. Thank you all for letting me vent on here and hope everyone is doing well. God Bless.

No worries -- that happens.

Well, financially, it only works for us because we've never lived on 2 salaries. Before, when I was employed, my dh was finishing his Phd and was only adjuncting. So effectively we "switched." It's a little bit better because my husband's at the university, but not nearly as much as you'd think. We're not going to get rich this way, but we get by, anyway. I seriously doubt your wife's going to lose it in front of her class. If she's anything like me, you go into that "teacher trance" and you're just doing your job.

As to the rest of your post, I read it to my dh, and he laughed, because he recognized so much of what you were saying. I don't know if that makes it feel any better for you, but maybe it will help you feel that what you are enduring is more normal. Here's one idea, and it's about the sexuality. I was so uncomfortable about it for a while that I didn't want my husband to touch me, but then, like your wife, I still craved intimacy. I wanted cuddling and sweetness, but no threat of more. (Note I used the word threat. It doesn't mean that the sex was bad, necessarily, but it just doesn't feel right when you're that sad. Sometimes being depressed feels like a low, constant sobbing. Can you imagine trying to feel sexy like that?) I would get so scared that he would take any little touch as an invitation that I stopped touching him at all, but at the same time, I still really needed that closeness because I was so sad. Catch 22. Finally we made a deal. We would touch and cuddle and kiss and everything and he wouldn't take anything as an invitation to more unless I specifically said so. On top of that I absolutely didn't want him to initiate sex. He didn't like this compromise, I'm sure-- but it made me feel a lot more safe, so he went along with it. We got more cuddling and love in, and eventually I loosened up again. (Pardon the phrase).

I know this is really crummy right now. I can only reassure you both that you will get through it. There will be a light on the other side.

serafena

Need Advice
Good Luck today with the pdoc. I have been reading all of your posts and I haven't chimed in much. Your sense of humor is certainly enough to get you through a lot of this stressful BP stuff!

One of the many bits of wisdom I have received from this site is "dont give yor reality away to someone who isn't currently rational" or something genius like that said by LFW. Basically, you know in your heart of hearts what is right.....and for the sake of your wife and baby, be the strong force in your family that is going to stand up for what is right in your home. Be the sounding board when your wife is having an off day and don't take it to heart when she says mean things.....or bite your tongue when you would normally be tempted to be drawn in to an argument. Yes, it may take every fiber of your being to do these things, but it will get easier once you realize you can control the situation rather than let the situation control you.

When I actually try....it works. It's remembering to do it in the moment of chaos and emotion that is hard.

Another key piece of wisdom....patience.....nothing is resolved overnight. It is a slow process. But the lovely people on this site are a testament to the fact that the hard work can pay off. You and your wife can have a wonderful life with dedication and patience, and the right pdoc and mix of meds!

Stay Strong and keep us posted!

Well the pdoc said he wanted to stay with the meds she was on and see what happened but she had been steadily feeling better and then I asked her how she was feeling this morning and she said "fine" I almost fell down. So maybe the meds are working more and more with each day. It was scaring me that she was having to take Zanax a couple times a day to keep her calm. That stuff is just too addictive. Anyway, haven't heard from her today at work but atleast she's there. Keepin my fingers crossed.

Mt appointmanet for what? Therapy? If this is what your asking - my wife has one this afternoon to get the ball rolling and then I told her we would schedule them weekly however she liked - together- seperate whatever works. I know I need to go alone some so I promise I will do just that. Thanks there personal trainer of the mind!

Well new development.  As of I think Wednesday morning the Depression just left - woke up and said she was feeling fine - no stress - no anxiety- no nothing- having great days at work - calling me to tell me she misses me - sending cards- all good stuff - does depression leave this fast.  She did up her lamictal last friday to 100 mgs - could this have helped that much? 

 Its great don't get me wrong but confusing. And yes I think Jillian is her name - don't think she could handle this situation though.  Takes a lot stronger person. 

Hello all BPs and Spouses of Bps. I am the wife of NA. I felt encouraged, by my husband, to join, or at least peruse, this forum - that was a week ago. With hesitation, I decided to take a look this morning. I now regret having done so. I believe it to be the BP in me that affords me the misfortune of having either an extremely overrated opinion of myself or the ability to convince myself I am not worthy of anyone's opinion at all. This morning I logged on, expecting to find my husband's "delicate" take on his experience, as the spouse of an UNQUESTIONABLY AMAZING WIFE (with a little hint of BP). Well ......halfway through his second post, I was sobbing uncontrollably. After picking my heart up off the floor, I managed to take back control ...reminding myself this is not about me right now - it's about my husband. That being said, I still remain shocked, angry, hurt, and somewhat betrayed (for some odd reason) by many of the blanketed remarks made by my husband; yet, extremely appreciative of how much my husband seems to be gaining from your empathetic advise. I suddenly feel compelled to tell you everything wonderful I know to be true about me ...pull a Sally Field and shout at the top of my lungs, "They like me. They really like me!" Before medication, I would have had to do just that. I would also have had to unload on my husband like an unmerciful machine gun, so I could feel better about myself, of course. Perhaps you can help me, without the need for heavy artillery.

Wife of NA,

VERY recently I shared with my husband that for almost 6 months, I have been coming to this site for support. I told him that while I love him with all my heart, he is not easy to live with. He is BP, I am not. We also have a son with BP. Anyway, I was REALLY scared to share with him what I had been doing, but I finally did. He took it well. I too encouraged him to come on and begin to gain support here, but I also told him that if he were to see my postings, I've been very honest and real about MY experiences, feelings, struggles and pain being on the receiving end as the spouse. I have told the truth for me about what it is like. I also told him I felt I have been quite respectful to him in the process, although I was sure he may or may not be able to receive what I shared that way - figuring it might trigger him off. I asked of him, that if he decided to come on and look, he do so thinking of himself as being me for those moments of what it looks and feels like over here, on my side of this coin. I told him I feel I have never said anything without sharing first my deep love for him; because I DO love him deeply. I don't believe I am inaccurate here about that.

Please understand that being a spouse to a BP is no easy thing. That doesn't mean we think our spouses are crazy, not worth the efforts it requires to make the relationship work, or that they are a burden. But, easy would never be a word used to describe what it is like to be married to a BP, regardless of what level their condition is. I also don't believe any of us spouses believe we are saints as the other side of the coin for our BP spouses in return. Every human I know has foibles – BP or not; it is just that BP's come with additional nuances in addition to the "average" amount of issues between two people that arises in ANY marriage, and those nuances add additional things the spouse does have to deal with as a result. And, based on what I have witnessed, most BP spouses do have a lot of patience, understanding, strength and love inside them as common traits. The point I am trying to share, albeit perhaps not well or articulate, is that while I have come here for support, to vent, to learn and have been truthful about my feelings….I have also done it with the same respect I have always worked to give my husband in our lives together, and through the communication of my love for him.

I want you to know, I believe your husband has done this as well. We are ALL clear your husband loves you DEARLY. We are ALL clear you must be a wonderful person to inspire such love and devotion in someone. Perhaps it is time to remove your ‘rose colored glasses’, as you put it, and see what it is actually like for him. The efforts he makes, lovingly and willingly, because of his deep love for you, and how contending with BP for a spouse is hard and sometimes very thankless and painful. That isn’t a statement of blame towards the BP, just factual information. Perhaps you can see what he shared not as a negative, but as an AMAZING gift and insight into reality for him, and you may learn some truths about both of you this way. It could open up amazing communication and bonding between you if you let it. It can bring in a whold new meaning to the term “team” for your wellness. That decision is up to you. You also can learn even MORE about yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you so dearly, which will assist you in being even more the person you believe yourself to be, and desire yourself to be. But none of us can get there if we don’t start with some truths about ourselves…again…BP or not. And being a BP, I do believe you should want to get honest with yourself and see how the ups and downs affect’s those YOU love so much as well. That is what will give you awareness, choice and control over the BP, and NOT the other way around. But again…that is only if you let what he shared not lock you into anger, guilt or shame…but instead…enlightenment through his love and pain. Does this make sense to you? The choice is up to you. I truly hope you elect to view it this way. HW is a GREAT place to tell the truth, gain support, and meet people with not only common experiences, but also different facets of the same issues that can create wonderful growth. Glad you elected to join in. We are here for YOU too. LFW