HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

He Loves Me....today

Support Forums
>
Bipolar Disorder
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 10/31/2007 6:53 PM (GMT 0)
I am starting to be able to tell when he is sliping in and out of moods for the most part, but last night somthing weird happened...

Two weeks ago he was in Happy Mode as far as the kids went.... At all things, over everyday and really good with them... He never tried talking to me and as soon as the kids went to bed.  he left.... So OK... we never talked and I never even brought up the Dr's

Last Tuesday... you can see him slipping into miserable... snappy. grumpy... not eating...  Kids or I didn't see him from Wedns - yesterday.   Yesterday he calls and asks if I can pick Him up for my sons skating lesson.. Ok.... I did as the boys want and need to see him.... he talks to them, but very few wors to me... which i recipricated... at the arena... I stood on one end...he almost at the other....

After the lesson he asks to go look at the new arena in the building.... I litterally Saw a difference in him... he lifted his head... his eyes brigtened... His tone changed... he was talking away...

I go to drop hi off at his mom's house, he kises the boys good-bye and says he will see them tommorow... Comes and opens my door (I think he's goin to tel me something and he leans in and Kisses me and says I Love you and closes the door... WHAT THE.....  I didn't ven get a chance to say anything and he ws in the house...  Had I mentioned through  all moods he hasn't even attmpted to touch or speak to me for at least a month....

 

Posted 10/31/2007 7:25 PM (GMT 0)
Does your husband take any meds? Sounds like he could have a chemical imbalance. You need to get him to see a doctor and get a complete check up.

good luck to you.
Posted 11/1/2007 1:11 AM (GMT 0)
Oh scared_wife,

I'm so sorry. I know this must be a happy moment for you, I just totally think you deserve better. sad
Posted 11/1/2007 2:56 AM (GMT 0)
Happy.... No... No... you misunderstood me..... I was being fecious (however you spell that)

Laughing at the situation cause it's just so messed up... yep.... Confused and Frustrated are more the feelings I am experiencing, though I am used to them....

And although I was in shock... I am proud at how that did not make me crumble and cry myself to sleep last night.... I feel myself getting stronger... He was here today.. we took the kids trick or Treating.... I kept my space from him and when we got back... I said OK see you later and allowed him to leave.....  

And something I am happy to say.. is I KNOW I deserve better (That only took a year!!!!).... and that is in part cause of all the tough love on here....  I do whatever I WANT to do everyday, and I am Kind to him for the sake of my kids and am not closing the door completly as I will stand beside him if and when he gets help... If somone else hasn't caught my attention.... and believe me.... I have been asked a time or two and I am on the verge of saying yes....  

so for now... I am really good.... we'll see what my own mood brings me tommorrow.....

Posted 11/1/2007 3:09 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Scared

I am so sorry that this emotional roller coaster seems to be in full swing. I am glad that you seem to be very confident in yourself and are distancing your self emotionally from his actions, but I feel like it may be a temporary solution. I am only speaking from my own personal experience....so I hope I don't offend you. If I do, I apologize.....you can yell at me anytime!  I have been there. I have felt that joy when you feel in control and you are laughing at how insane it is because he is being so loving to you now and he was so mean last week. And then next week comes and has anger and apathy breaks your heart into a million pieces all over again. Just when you think you can't get hurt again.... BAM.

You may be creating this safe little bubble for yourself so that you don't get hurt...right now. You have created this world that you think is safe for you and your children in which you have tried to cover your bases and prepare your self for the worst case scenario of his mood swings and his push/pull tendencies because that is what you have become accustomed to. You have adapted to the life he has forced upon you. You are used to his behaviors and you are accepting them as par for the course. That shouldn't be acceptable. IMHO, you should expect more for yourself. If he wants any type of life with you or your children....he needs to get help. PERIOD. He shouldn't be allowed to come and go as he pleases and see you when he chooses. You are making it extremely easy for him to NOT GET HELP.

My thoughts.....take advantage of the strength you have found and take it a step further.....tell your husband that you want a better life for you and your kids and that his inconsistent behavior is not healthy for the kids. Tell him that you are here for him WHEN he does get help, but you do not want anything to do with him until he does.

You shouldn't have to be left on your own interpreting his moods if he isn't even concerned about his moods or his behaviors and how they are effecting you and the kids.  Hold him accountable for his mental health or he will never have any incentive to get healthy.

You are doing great. You continue to get stronger every day. I am so proud of how far you have come, and your strength is what is going to get you through this. You deserve a wonderful, loving, respectful, life and family. Now, while you are ahead of the curve and feeling great.....keep going....don't wait for the bottom to fall out before you have to pick yourself up and start all over...

Move forward with your life the way you want it to be, and tell him what you expect from him. If he isn't willing to be that healthy, loving husband you deserve....move forward without him.

My two cents, for what they are worth......I know a marriage with children is very different than my situation, so I know there are other factors to consider.

Again, I am proud of your strenght.....just don't stop there! Don't make it so easy for him to continue to NOT give you and your children what you need!

Posted 11/3/2007 11:20 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Scared

I was just thinking about you and the boys and I hope things are going well. Drop us a line and let us know how you are doing!

Posted 11/4/2007 12:29 AM (GMT 0)
Casem,    Thanks for thinking of us....   we are doing OK....

I should have started a new tread entitle "he HATES ME".... cause Thursday He had another Flip out....    he came over to watch the Boys for me to go to my dance class ... he was fine when I left and playing with the boys....   when I came home my three year old was up playing in the living room and he was GONE!!!      (the nanny was home but had no idea that he left)   ....

I let my emotions get the best of me... put my son to bed... asked the nanny to watch them and went to see where the hell he was... at home in his parents basement... talking on the phone to HER>>>>

I said "Nice to see your OK, Glad to see you phone call to her was more important then your sons"   Turned to leave and he flipped....   came back to the house to get the rest of his stuff and ran threw the screen door....  called me all kinds of names, treatened a whole bunch of crap.....  and drove away....

Yesterday.....I changed all the doors and all the locks.... Havn't spoken to him since... But have told his mother and the Nanny He will not see the kids alone again....  It sucks for the sake of the kids cause they miss their dad.... even my one year old walks around and says "where Dad"   it hurts my heart... BUT....  I am trying hard to heal and realise we will never be "That Family again"...

Posted 11/4/2007 2:30 AM (GMT 0)
SW,

I am sorry that things went sour, it started out so well. I'm glad you changed all the doors and the locks, especially if he was threatening to you. I am glad that you and the kids are okay. Please know we are here for you.
Posted 11/4/2007 6:05 AM (GMT 0)
SW, The realities of what you are facing are in full swing. Between the threats, inconsistencies and now the unbelievable irresponsibility of endangering your children by leaving them alone and not informing the nanny that he was no longer going to be overseeing them - therefore she must - it is TIME to take the next step. I know you had mentioned early on that you filed for legal separation. Perhaps now it is time to file for the big "D", and FULL custody officially of your kids – on record. Once all this is in place, then you'll have a real shot at moving forward and being able to control what goes on with the kids. If he is not allowed visitation without supervision officially with the courts, which at this moment can be a stipulation for their protection, by making it official...it becomes part of the court documents through the witness accounts and it can force the issue of a FULL psych evaluation if he wants to continue contact. While the kids miss him, the damage this is doing to them by see him like this (the ups and downs - the erratic behavior...etc) is causing more long term issues for them that will alter them forever, because they are sponges right now, and if you don't do something now the damage will be done. Is this tragic...you bet honey, but it is FULLY up to you to be the strong one here and protect those kids – and yourself and your futures. In the state he is (and I am referring to the fact that he is "untreated" for whatever his dx will turn out to be), I believe you are all in danger on a multitude of fronts if you don't handle this correctly and quickly. Taking these steps could be the thing that prompts him to FINALLY force the help he clearly needs. But either way, I believe it is time to have all this a part of the court records from now on and THAT is YOUR protection so if you need the law to ever step in...you have everything in place and spelled out.

The thing is, whatever actions you take, and whatever decisions or outcomes come of it now…remember, it is NEVER irreversible if he really ever does straighten out long term enough to either be your husband again, or at least a proper loving responsible father to your kids. Look at Britney Spears…there is a case…nothing is written in stone…but, the protection is in place for the kids.

I know this is painful, but I believe you are now strong enough to face what is next and build a bright future with your kids. TOO much damage is being done to turn back now, and as you can see…it is not getting better…only worse. Good luck to you my dear…be brave. LFW
Posted 11/4/2007 10:47 AM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry to hear that, Scared. Be strong. Accept this is done. Move on. There are better things in store for you in the years ahead. I'm so so sorry. We're here for you.
Posted 11/7/2007 2:47 AM (GMT 0)
So he called me today... and he was home when I dropped something off at his house and he's back to knowing somethings wrong... he wants me and the boys same old blah blah blah....

I repeated my self like I did everytime... Prove it... go to a dr... Blah... blah... blah....

Here the exciting thing...before this... I got asked out for coffee by a guy from work tommorrow and i said YES!!!  It's only coffee and well is it stupid that I am really excited and scared and GUILTY... what's up with the guilt...  Anyway... I am not sure if this is a good step... what do you think, is it too soon?

PS... My father in Law has a new theroy for what it's worth....  2 years ago.. my husband was away on a hockey tournament where he ended up getting punched to the point where it cracked the bone by his eye... His dad is wondering if this may be physical from that injurey.... I don't know... regardless if he ever goes to a Dr.....    

 

Posted 11/7/2007 8:28 AM (GMT 0)
SW, I only have a few moments to respond right now and I think it is important you gain some perspective here. So in a nutshell here it is, and please forgive my candor...

#1, the assumption has been that your husband is either BP, doing drugs, brain tumor - or some other physical malady. Your father's theories are as valid as any other, but as you know, until your husband gets checked out from head to toe to rule out things...you are stuck. As you have seen, trying to coax, finagle, demand...has not worked and won't until he does this for himself. Is this sad...VERY. Do you still have to find ways to move on anyway as you are left with NO choice??? Absolutely. But...

#2 the elation you are feeling about being asked out, answers the question any woman in your shoes would be feeling which is "will anyone else want me...single mother with two young kids and all this baggage!" So okay, you got your answer....and as you can see it is a resounding YES. I am thrilled for you...it is important and comforting for you to know that. However with that said, I must honestly share that the reason you feel "guilty" is because you are going ahead with an action which you are not free to do, and you know that. You are an ethical woman and you know you will not be free until you complete the situation you are in - officially. This action you are about to take by agreeing to see this man (even just for coffee) is simply premature and I believe in the end, it could blow up on you personally, and collectively with your situation. My advice to you is to re-think this. My suggestion, and it is only my opinion, is to say to this nice man the following (or something like it), "I am extremely flattered and grateful you asked me for coffee, and as much as I would like very much to go, currently with the situation I am in, I can not offer any emotional availability back to you. I am currently entangled with a very messy break up with my husband who’s behavior has been quite erratic, and it is not far enough along to be close to official over yet. I am just getting a real grasp on the fact that my marriage is most likely over. With your agreement, I would very much like a rain check on our coffee together when I am actually free to say yes to you. If of course you are still available to say yes to me at that time, then we go forward with our coffee. Until then, I would like to look forward to getting to know you as a friend and colleague at work. I genuinely hope you understand." Then leave it alone until you decide to either file for divorce and it is finished and officially over and done, or elect not to and wait out the dx on your husband. But either way, I don't think it fair to you or this man to entangle the situation you are in with your husband with this emotionally charged added addition were something to progress with this man as a way for you to feel better about this situation you are in with your life right now. That really isn't fair to this man, or as I said - you. Does this make sense to you?  It is a matter of timing, and the timing IMO isn't right here other than to answer that question about will you REALLY have "life" after all of this. And you now know YES you will. Too many BAD decisions can get made for you right now, and the fall out from that is something you DON"T need.

Choose well my dear and good luck...LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 11/7/2007 11:25:03 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 11/7/2007 3:32 PM (GMT 0)
I hear what you are saying, LFW, but I'm going to disagree slightly with you here. I agree that beginning a new relationship at this point would probably be a really bad idea, SW, having coffee with someone isn't any sort of promise or commitment. It is the very lightest sort of social engagement. SW has already given up over a year of her life to this chaos. It feels good to have someone affirm that you're still young and attractive and interesting. Why not "begin" a new phase of life by vowing to make some new friends, which is, after all, all that coffee is.

SW, my take: It may be too early to take on a new romantic relationship, but it is not too early to get out and try to learn how to enjoy yourself again. Go, have a nice time, if it seems like there's any chemistry there, you may want to forestall that, but otherwise, keep it ultra-light. The last thing you need right now is another responsibility!
Posted 11/7/2007 6:57 PM (GMT 0)
Serafena, in the situation that SW is in, she is going to gravitate towards anything that makes her feel better right now, and yes, I agree coffee is "casual" if someone says from work..."hey, you want to go grab some coffee?" and you go right then. But, when it is handled as asking someone for a "date" for coffee, the implication is different. My point was that with how vulnerable she is right now it is a dangerous situation for her because the "wise" choices in this area will be harder for her to make given how unhappy she has been. Only she can ensure that this man knows that she is not untangled or free to start something...should the chemistry be there. See, if she says what I suggested...a man worth his salt who is interested in more than just the obvious, is going to say back to her, "thank you for being so honest, I'd still love to have coffee with you as friends then." And it won’t be a big deal. Then, the "coffee" is now a different implication. And both know that for the moment, friendship is the only thing on the table. Does that make sense? I saw this same thing happen with my sister in law, she wanted out of her marriage SO badly that she started up talking with someone from work who made her "feel" better about herself, it eventually progressed as you can imagine. She used this new relationship of hers to give her strength to finally tell her husband she wanted a divorce during a fight. Then this man was now involved, and she felt guilty for putting her daughter through this severing of her “family” (not that my brother in law wasn’t a massive jerk she needed to leave), but the guilt was that she had USED this man as the catalyst and then had to justify her actions so she convinced herself she loved him, ended up marrying him, moving across country to live with him, her daughter got COMPLETELY messed up for several years as a result, and in the end - that marriage nearly ended too because he was an alcoholic that was out of control and verbally abusive once married life was settled into, and he had “won”. In the last year he has finally stopped drinking and they have been in intensive therapy. She even admits now that she was too messed up to have made wise choices here or to be able the think clearly, and if she had it to do all over again, she would have owned her unhappiness, ended her marriage clean, and then moved forward. This man ended up mucking up the situation SO much for her. The fact is, it is NEVER wise to tease yourself with any new involvement under these circumstances, until the one you are in is complete. Then you are free, otherwise, it can make a mess of ANY situation. And YES, I totally agree with you that she has been unhappy for a year with this situation and deserves to feel better. But then she needs to make choices, take action, and free herself so she can begin her journey to be freed up to feel good again. That’s all I was trying to share. We all want her happy again, I just want her to get there wisely. Does that make sense? And hey, it is great that she how has 2 different perspectives on this issue that will give her food for thought so she can think about this from all sides.  Hopefully it will help her choose wisely for herself now.  I think that is wonderful.  LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 11/7/2007 1:28:29 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 11/7/2007 7:09 PM (GMT 0)
Absolutely, I totally see your point, LFW. You are a Woman Most Wise.

Well, there you go, SW. Two points... :-) But I think we agree that you need to let him know that you have nothing available for him emotionally. But it is nice to be asked out, huh?

serafena
Posted 11/9/2007 12:31 AM (GMT 0)

I didn't go....

Work got busy, I wasn't in my office when he came by and he just left a note for another time...   Before this I had made it clear I wasn't ready for anything other then friendship.. it was Just the excitement of his interest....

The thing is LFW is right....  I LOVE my husband and don't have it for anyone else right now.  I know I need to move on, I know I need to be really free and I know I need to do this but The simple fact I'm not ready to file for divorce.... I'll get there but I am not ready.... I have been with this man Half my life, all of my adult years, and I am aloowing myself tie to be ready 

Now that does not mean I am going to sit idle.... I am going to continue to Move on in other ways... I colored My hair completly different today (that's big for me)...  I am continuing my Weight loss plan... and Making Plans for me and the boys....  I am trying to make things Not so easy for him,   but know in my heart on good days he needs access to my boys but more importantly they need to see him (Not alone!!!!)..... 

Posted 11/9/2007 12:44 AM (GMT 0)
SW, Don't file until you are ready, and ABSOLUTELY continue to move you and the boys forward in the meantime. Make new friendships, go out with your gal pals for a night of fun with dinner and dancing...whatever. But do begin to allow yourself the forward motion of getting use to the idea of letting go. Plus, as people ask you out, practice a simple respectful response that you will be comfortable with. This way, there should be no guilt. As you did, stay VERY HONEST with your self and anyone who approaches you for social stuff. (Forgive me men out there...) Keep in mind, men WILL say whatever they have to at times to accomplish thier agenda's, so just be cautious and remember you are vulnerable right now. You honor who you are by keeping integrity about all this. But gosh, it SURE IS flattering to be asked. I am so glad you now know that there WILL be life for you outside this situation. Good job...LFW
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply