Really, really need to talk

KG, Please let me say that while I am not a woman in your situation, as none of my family is in the military; my heart goes out to you, your husband and your kids. It seems PERFECTLY reasonable for you to be upset. While I support our men and women who are bravely a part of our military, I believe many are deployed that should not have been sent, such as the "none active duty" National Guard members. They should be kept here at home to help in our own country when needed for border protection, catastrophe help and keeping order (think moments like the Rodney King incident situation with the riots in L.A.), etc. And frankly, I think that we should have a better control on what is happening and had a better exit plan to bring everyone home by now. Plus, once someone has served a tour of duty, I think they should be done with being there unless THEY volunteer to go back. But...I won't get into my political views. The fact is, you have EVERY right to be upset, and I do not think anyone should deny you that.

As a mommy, with kids around the same age as yours, while it will be hard, kids ARE resilient. They will take their queue from you as to how upset, scared, worried, sad...etc. they should be. The “get it together part” that you mentioned should be definitely around them at all times. Keep your upset, fear, anger, worry...for your private moments. Plus, it seems to me that you will have PLENTY of time to deal with that AFTER he leaves again; So DON"T waste any time now on it. Enjoy and relish and honor your husband with the best ??? months of his life with laughter, love, passion, family and joy. Those are the memories you can build that he can take with him to keep him until you are together again when he comes home SAFE and SOUND...WHICH HE WILL.

As to the depression that sets in, be pro active like you did today by coming here and writing us, join a military spouse support group where it is a safe and accepted place to rage if you need to, see your doctor and take a mild anti-depressant medication if you know you will need it if you did before. There is NO shame in this, perfectly understandable in MY EYES!!!! Now, grant you, we are on the Bipolar sight, and perhaps you meant to be on the depression one. But I know that we all are caring people. My point to you is this, continue to reach out. Don't hide your feelings, be honest with them, but choose your moments to express them which will not taint your time with your husband, or put wedges into family relationships, that whether said or not, during times like this can run at a high octane level all around, and work to not be counter productive in how your want to raise your kids, or how this will or won't affect them. I know what you are facing is hard, and I can only share from my heart that in spirit, you are not alone. I hear your rightful upset. You have some hard months ahead. Face them with equal courage as your husband whenever possible. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Come vent WHENEVER you need. We are here. We are GOOD listeners. LFW

Thank you both for all the support. No, I am not bipolar but I was diagnosed with cyclothmia, which is almost bipolar but generally not as severe. My mood swings are the same but with mine, they tend to come and go at quicker intervals. I used to say that if I was having a good morning, I would have a bad afternoon. I hope you understand. I was diagnosed with it 2 year ago, after my husband had been deployed for 8 months. When I researched what it meant, I finally felt some relief because I had always felt that I had something wrong with me but could never figure out what it was. My ups are really crazy sometimes. The only way I can describe it is that I feel like I'm drunk or on drugs or something, like I'm high. I feel like doing crazy things and I feel sooo sexually charged. That's when I can make really bad decisions that I will regret. Then I get depressed at times, like I don't want to get out of bed. I want to find a hole and hide in it. I used to cut myself when I was a teenager so that I felt physical pain instead of emotional pain. I don't do it know, even though I want to at times, because I know my husband would put me in a hospital. When I'm depressed, I don't want to talk to anybody because I don't think they will understand and because I feel like they are going to think that I'm whining. So, I don't get much done during the day except for what absolutely needs to get done and then I feel guilty because I didn't do much all day. So that depresses me more. I have had suicidal thoughts since as far back as I can remember (which is at least 12 or earlier). My doctor actually told me that he was surprised I had lasted this long without becoming an alcoholic, a druggy or trying to kill myself. He said I must have been in hell for a long time. Anyway, you get the picture.

As for my kids, I know they will be okay. I just feel bad that they have to go through this again. I am holding it together whenever I'm around my kids. When my husband left the 1st time, my son had just been born. My daughter was only 1 and 1/2. So that she would remember her father, I kept a picture of her and her father on her nightstand. She gave the picture a kiss every night before she went to bed. I will do the same kind of stuff when he leaves this time.

I do talk to my husband about this stuff but it's hard to tell him everything, especially about all my emotions of my disease. Just telling him normally helps but he doesn't completely understand.

Anyway, thanks so much for the support. I am really hoping that this forum as well as the army wives forum will help and that I can make a few friends. I like the fact that I can come on at 2am, if needed, and vent. I can't call my sister at 2am crying my eyes out. She works and has 2 kids of her own.

Anyway, thanks again.

Absolutely. Cyclothemia is just another stop on the BP spectrum, and we're all about that, so settle in. Not that we wouldn't welcome you anyway. I just wanted to make sure you were going to get the help you needed. So you don't have a deployment date yet?