Just upset

I know I'm not the only one who feels like life is chaotic and that when you get up in the morning, you just don't trust it'll feel much like it did when you climb into bed that night. Maybe why that is one reason I delay going to bed as long as I can. Sometimes, I've just not bothered to go to bed at all. Too much stuff happens. I get through one crisis, then something else steps up to take its place. If I actually believed Gary Zukov (no offense please to anyone who feels helped by his writing) or what's in that book called The Secret, then I'd have to accept that I keep creating things that from the outside certainly look beyond my control. I'm so angry about some of the things that have gone wrong in my search for new pdoc that I can't write most of it, but here's a small piece. I was lucky to be sent to one pdoc who holds the same understanding as I do about trauma and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but it was just a consultation arranged to look at my medication. This pdoc, very unfortunately for me, is near retirement and not taking any new patients. He told me that I am not bi-polar, that it is the PTSD and being multiple that makes it look like I am. That's all well and good, but since right now I have only 1 name of a pdoc taking new patients, that my chances of him concurring (if he even considers taking me on as a patient) are probably zero. The consulting pdoc's orientation is not quite mainstream, although certainly proposed by some very influential psychiatrist/researchers in the field of trauma. If I wasn't sure where I belonged before, I'm really confused now. I also found out from an impeccable source that the pdoc I escaped from, thank goodness, has lost her license several times but keeps getting it back. She is the one who diagnosed me as bi-polar and since she actually knows the Harvard psychiatrist whose trauma theory I admire, as does she, has maybe, but maybe not, messed up my diagnosis. I'm not even sure myself anymore what I am. Add to that my session today with my psychologist of 10 years, in which we discussed her views on depression and revealed that she doesn't put a lot of belief in depression as biochemical. I felt so defeated. Here I am experiencing a major depression and she's ascribing most of my behaviours - all resistant - as something over which I have control if I choose to take it. No wonder I've felt invisible to her; she's not seeing me as I truly am, struggling to stay alive. It's not a time to push and challenge. I need support and empathy. Am I engaging in self-pity here? I've lost perspective. I'm not saying she shouldn't challenge me to grow, it's a matter of poor timing and not seeing that some of the mistakes I've made when I've been in a meltdown are not good, but pretty logical considering the situations. On the other hand, I sense something is wrong in her life and I care very much about her and am worried. We've been through a lot of crap together in the last 10 years and I've been noticing things that lead me to suspect she isn't well, or maybe that there is some other big challenge in her life. I can't ask her and she wouldn't tell me if I did. She keeps her boundaries very well and I know this very important for both of us. This is a very hard place to be in. Any advice, thoughts or suggestions?

Blessing Waters

Hello Serafina, no I'm not offended or upset. I understand I rambled. I just wrote an explanatory reply and accidentally closed the window and lost it, now don't want to write it all again, so I'll respond, but not explain in any detail. I can see how you feel confused - I'm confused. Basically, my GP sent me to see two different psychiatrists at two differeent clinics thinking it would be a one-on-one regular, doctor/patient scenarion. Neither he nor I knew that in both cases, these psychiatrists were part of a DBT team. Both told me I didn't fit their criteria and would not accept me, not the other way round. It is true that I do not like behaviouristic models, but that is a side issue that made some interractions uncomfortable, but if push came to shove, I'd consider trying it. It was a third psychiatrist, that the group in the second clinic arranged for me to see for a medication review, to help me out since I had been needing this to happen since I left my former psychiatrist in June. I have never gone back to her and never will. It was this 3rd doc that told me about her having her license pulled a number of times, validating my decision to leave her care after 7 years of trying to make it work. He also said it was a good thing that the DBT people had turned me away because the way he sees things, his orientation and experience is that they would eat someone like me alive. It's not a good mix, truama work and DBT. that is why I was refused at the clinics, because of the therapy I've been doing for ten years.

As far as my diagnosis, it is and it isn't important. I a focus is made on bi-polar to the exclusion of DID, it will hurt me. Expectations about what i am able to take control of behaviour wise, are different. I'm going through thiis blip with my psychologist of 10 years, right now. Yesterday was a very hard and frustrating experience for both of us as we try to negotiate our needs and expectations from each other.

Where i live, leaving your psychiatrist is a huge deal. there is no shopping around. what i meant about seeing this new person is that the referral has just gone in and i don't even know yet if he's taking new patients or even if he'd agree to see me if he was. I'm told i'm complicated with having so many diagnoses. I'm at a point where i don't care anymore if a new pdoc even beleives in DID - some don't - but was told that if a doc felt uncomfortable with the diagnosis, he or she is not likely to agree to take me as a patient. The hospital where this new doc practises, has had a reputation in the past for not believing in DID, as they are mostly pschoanalysts. I don't know how much stock I put in that, I just recognize that I'm highly unlikely, if you consider probabilities, that this new fellow would be anything like the one I saw for the medevaluation. He was awesome and he was retiring. Too bad for me, that's the way it is here. It's all a crap shoot. I hope this has made things clearer, although you may still say the same things to me about my diagnosis. That's okay. I'm still reeling from all this running to one and the other places for assessments that have been very difficult to manage and I am likely to settle down some over the next week. Still, I feel very vulnerable and scared, mostly about the time it is taking when I am in the throes of a major depressive episode. It started coming on last February, so yes, I've been in and out of crisis and this has been a source of frustration for my psychologist because of the emotionally out-of-control phone calls to her by scared child alters. DID gets worse with depression, so naturally, I've been erratic and made some poor choices in trying to stay safe. that's my story in a little clearer form, I hope. All this comes from being scared. I don't have a lot of faith or hope. My life experiences have made that very hard for me. I don't go there usually, at all. right now, I kind of have to as I seek appropriate medical care. I'm determined to work things out with my psychologist. We made a big step yesterday even if it was painful. I appreciate your honesty Serafina. I asked for input and insight because I can't know exactly how I'm coming across to others. I know my thinking processes are not great right now. I want to do better. Fear can really interfere with good decision-making. I hope you have seen here that I am capable of tolerating imperfect relationships, as I have hung in with my psychologist beyond many instances of conflict of beliefs. I must go now. Again thanks. You listened and that's really important to me.

Dear Serafina, I really do appreciate being able to just purge some of my huge frustration sometimes. All I want is to try to get back the ground I lost. My expectations for true healing and mental health are not optimistic. It's true that I get defensive when I'm labelled unfairly, when some of these mental health professionals take a tiny snapshot of how I (or any of us)present myself during an hour's "assessment" then believe they've categorized me into one of their rigid boxes. Of course they don't all do that. The one pdoc I saw who looked at my meds but could not take me as a patient was such a good fit for me that it really makes the poor experiences stand out even more. I've also been lied to, had my right to confidentiality breeched and I really resent that. And as a survivor of sexual abuse, trust is hard come by and very easily betrayed. When I'm upset, I know I lose clarity in my writing but don't see that until later, so I must seem at times to be very scattered and I am. I'll try harder to be clearer.

I do hold a lot of trust in other people who have mental illness, at least in holding compassion and understanding. There's also so much lovely freedom when walking into a room of mentally ill and no one caring what your diagnosis is or defining you by it. No one generally asks your diagnosis and if my do disclose that I have multiple personalities, they don't react. This helps me feel less isolated and alone, even though I've actually only met one other person with the same disorder and she is my best friend. I believe that sense of caring, non-judgmental  community is what has drawn me to this forum. I don't feel afraid to say what I need to say. You have challenged me, what you heard, not based on some preconceived ideas about how "people with __________ act." I appreciate that frank honesty, so thank you for caring enough to tell me when I'm not making sense.

On to better news: I got a phone call from my daughter and son-in-law the other night. They have two sons, ages 3 1/2 and 2, and I am very close to my little grandsons. They live several provinces from me, moved when the boys were 2 and 6 months. I was heartbroken, as I had taken care of them a lot and felt like a second Mom almost. I was able to visit twice this year, but because of circumstances none of us knew when we'd be together again and this has been a large part of my depression. The great news is that my son-in-law has gotten a job a few hundred miles away and they will be "home" when he is finished university in late spring (2008)! I am so grateful for this news, as they might have ended up even further away. He is a gifted opera singer and opportunities are where the opera companies are. The eldest of the two boys, Sam (he'll be 4 in April), called to tell me he is moving to a new house and wanted to know if I could move there, too! He melts my heart! This has given me more than any medication ever could. I don't know if being re-united will fix my wandering thoughts, but it will definitely boost my mood!

One last wish: if anyone reads this who has a dissociative disorder, or knows of someone who does, I really want to hear from that person. I think it would be very helpful to me and hopefully to anyone seeking the same kind of dialogue.

I hope everyone stays safe these next few weeks and can hold some hope for good days in 2008. Blessing Waters