I"m so tired of this

THe anxiety was bad, so my pdoc reduced my meds.  Now the depression is coming back, those terrible intrusive thoughts are back, the irritability is back, and the anxiety is no better, in fact, with all thats going on it's probably worse.  I've struggled with this all of my adult life, and it's never going to end.

I can't get in to see the pdoc til April 1.  My 4 year old found me sobbing this morning and was rubbing my back telling me it was going to be okay.  THis is not okay.  I'm supposed to be the one taking care of her.  I"m just barely holding back screams.  I feel such terrible anxiety building up and theres noone to talk to and I"m trying to hold it together for a houseful of kids that won't understand.

 

Ellie, BREATHE....now BREATHE again.....and again.... Okay, from one mommy to another. I understand you not wanting your daughter to see you cry, I even understand the feeling of roles feeling reversed about who is taking care of who...BUT...here's reality. Your kids have a mom with BP, it is AS much a part of their lives as it is yours. That is just reality for both of you. That means that while mommy is strong and takes good care of us...once in a while mommy will have a few moments where she needs us to help take care of her back. In and of itself....NOT a bad lesson. What makes things scary for a kid is when they don't understand what is wrong, get told everything is alright - when they clearly see it is not, are lied to and they can feel that. If you haven't already, explain to your kids what is BP in very none scary terms. Explain it like diabetes...how when insulin is off it makes your body sick and have problems - so people take insulin and when it works...everything is normal and healthy...but when it is off...their bodies get sick. Explain that you are no different, but when your chemicals are off it affects your emotions. So, sometimes when you are crying like that...while it feels very real....it just means mommy's chemicals are off and just need a little adjusting. That it is not anything they have done...ever. That you thank your daughter for how loving she was to you, and you are so proud of her for her sweet nature. Then remind them that although BP is a part of all their lives...you are their mom - the grown-up, and will ALWAYS be there to keep them safe, take care of them, and love them....no matter what. Then, if and when they see this again they understand it, and will not fear it.

Look at what a great job you are doing with those kids Ellie...what compassion your 4 year old daughter showed you. She certainly would not be that without some great parenting and example setting on your part. Your reflection looks good so far...be VERY proud of yourself.

As to the other issues...CALL the pdoc and tell him, just like Serafena said, that you are in need of an emergency appointment immediately. Every good pdoc would allow that. I think that sometimes we women tend to minimize things in a passive way, and then no one really hears us...so...STAND UP...AND SPEAK LOUDLY....Tell it like it REALLY is and demand to be seen right away. April is simply TOO long to wait to be seen by him. Demand he, at the VERY least call you back within 24 hours. Then tell him all the ugliness you are feeling and do a phone consult if he can't fit you in.

Good luck Ellie, I am sending HUGS and good thoughts...HANG IN THERE....LFW