New to this forum

Welcome Stephanie.  I am glad you decided to take the jump from just lurking here.  I think that you will find alot of support.

Living with bipolar...I am a firm believer that "getting it under control" is nearly impossible without correct medications and most of the time talk therapy.  I know that you say you are not looking forward to feeling like a zombie again....but you know that you really have to give these types of medications weeks to regulate, sometimes months.  And even then you may find that you are not on a good mix for your body.  It is really trial and error, and maddening until you find a good combo.  But now being on theother side of things myself...I see how those weeks of being extremely tired, and moods going crazy, well...it was worth it to be where I am now.  I am on an anitidepressant and antipsychotic, I am bipolar 1 and a rapid cycler.  I caused alot of damage, both financially and emotionally during my unmedicated years...and I fell so much better about life now.  I also go to therapy every other week.

Trust me...your children would much rather see their mom enjoying life and really being there with them.  Give yourself that chance to feel better.  Don't let the suicidal thoughts cloud your mind.  You do not really want to leave...and you need help getting it under control.

Wow Stephanie...you have a lot on your plate right now.  And good thing you know just how close to your breaking point you are.  You need help now.  I do not know how your insurance works.  But on the back of the card, call their 1 800 number.  Tell them you need the number for mental health.  Tell whomever you get on the phone that you are dealing with an emergency and that they need to help you find a provider asap...that waiting a month or two won't do.  I am sure they would rather get you in, then to have to pay for an expensive hospital stay.

Remember.  Everyone makes mistakes.  You wrecked the car, it could have just as easily have been your husband who did it.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  Everything always seems worse right when it happens.  You know when I was 5 months pregnant with my youngest, I was heading out to the grocery store...I backed my car out of the garage and backed right into the front bumper of his truck.  Pretty talented to be able to crash one of your cars into the other.  Yea I felt stupid and my husband was pissed.  But you know what...we laugh about it now. And we had to pay $1000 on deductibles for both cars. 

And as far as your parents are concerned...I know you are younger, so it may be a bit more traumatic.  But you are also an adult now and need to remember that you don't know everything about their relationship.  There are things that go on between parents that kids are not privy to.  So be open to both of them, and most defianately do not take on any pain or guilt about this.  You are in a bad place right now you need to concentrate on getting you over this hump first.

Welcome to HW You are definitely supported here.  I feel like HW is my only support these days.

I wanted to reply about the meds.  I did the same thing you did.  I had to quit b/c of the zombie feeling.  I have to be able to function, go to work etc. but definitely be able to physically get out of bed.  With so many of the bp meds that just isn't possible.  I don't think many of us can truthfully say that these medications that are out there (most of them) for this illness don't have that effect--b/c they do!!!  But some people can tolerate it.  I am not one of them.  So I was off meds for just over a year.  But then my episodes started getting more frequent and more intense.  My pdoc said this would keep happening if we didn't do something; but it was my decision.  I was slipping fast and hard.  So I recalled the only medication I didn't have that zombie feeling with--Lamictal, and decided I would try that.  So far, not bad, could be a lot better, but I'm not willing to go on anything else.  So I try to manage the best I can in other ways.

I would suggest thinking back to the one med that maybe didn't make you feel so bad, or talk with your pdoc about trying something new--there are a lot of meds.  Pdocs can pick all kinds of medications to try and help us balance our moods.  They don't all have to be antipsychotics.

I'm sorry to hear about the lack of support (?) from your husband.  It's all just so hard.  It's hard for us to suffer so much, but it's also hard for our partners to watch us suffer and there's nothing they can do (or so they think).

I too, am feeling overwhelmed right now with stress, which means that I am at high risk right now for sinking lower and lower.  You are not alone, and although I feel I am, I'm not either.

Many ((((((Hugs)))))) to you.