Boyfriend having hard time dealing with my bipolar

'm 22 years old and my boyfriend is 24. We've been together for about 5 months. I have BipolarII. The first month we were together everything was perfect.. I had no episodes whatsover. Then I started going into a depression for a month or so. Then things would get normal. Now I've been having stages of hypomania that have been lasting about 2 weeks at a time. I get EXTREMELY irritable and mean. I say things I don't mean and EVERYTHING upsets me, I'm very irrational. When I'm "normal" I am the best girlfriend anyone could be. I cook him dinner everynight, breakfast everymorning hes over, rub his back after work, hes remodeling a house and I go over during the day and help his father do work on it (I even brought a trailer load of trash to the dump with him haha), I take care of him when hes sick... I would do anything for him. The hypomania is starting to become too much for him. Before he would just get frustrated but he always wanted to see me everyday of the week. Now its getting to the point where hes walking away from me and not wanting to see me. I asked him today if he misses me and he said "yeah when you're you." He understands (as much as someone whos new to this thing can) what Bipolar Disorder is and does, but its still hard for him to sit there and take the abuse. I'll do things like start bashing his cousin out of nowhere saying shes easy and a biotch (hes very close to her), I'll get upset over myspace if he changes his picture to one that I"m not in, I get upset over the littlest things and blow them into huge fights. Its like I literally can not control myself when this happens, but when he goes to leave I freak out and start crying and begging. I am very insecure (well sometimes I get the cocky side of mania where I think I"m the hottest thing out there, but a lot of the time everything in my life seems unsure). I get upset if he doesnt want to have sex with me. I just get upset about anything and everything. I don't know how to control myself. The doc is upping my lamictal and gave me some xanax to take when i start to get out of hand.
Anyways I went to his house today, which i wasn't supposed to do, to bring him a gift (A CD and a card I wrote a huge letter in)... and we talked. He gets it but he just can't handle it and seems so burnt out from it all. He said we would talk tomorrow and we'll hang out at some point this week (at least by thursday). I'm scared that if tomorrow he doesnt want to talk or see me I will lose it. I dont know how to just relax and let things run their course. If I lose it it will probably be the end of us because I can't keep doing this to him.
Does anyone have any advice????

Hello KathG,

Welcome aboard. I hope you find the support that you are looking for here.

I too have bipolar and when I was first diagnosed it was very hard for those around me to understand that it was very hard for me to control my actions.

What helped me the most was talk therapy. It sounds to me that you could benefit from this as well since you have a lot of insecure feelings and are having a hard time dealing with your mood swings. Of coarse medication adjustments are key but you also have to make an active effort at trying to control your behavior. Medications aren't going to do all of the work. Therapy will help you learn ways of managing your outbursts.

That is what your boyfriend needs to see is that you are catching yourself during these moments and trying alternative things to try to avoid situations like that.

In the end...your boyfriend has the last call if he is willing to work through your illness with you. You've only been with him 5 months and this is a lot for him to absorb and he is seeing you in a whole new light and it's not a very pleasant one. You can try to give him information about your illness and get into therapy and maybe he might have a change of heart but it takes two people to make a relationship work. You have to work out issues for yourself and he needs to figure out if he is willing to walk through this with you. It is a lot for him to absorb as well and your asking him to walk this walk with you. With bipolar it is a life long illness and those around you need to be supportive of you. He may not be ready for that?

Good luck to you. But please remember, most people with bipolar do incorporate the help of a therapist as part of their wellness plan.

Good Luck.

KathG said...
'm 22 years old and my boyfriend is 24. We've been together for about 5 months. I have BipolarII. The first month we were together everything was perfect.. I had no episodes whatsover.

I can relate to this very much. Before marrying I was in and out of a lot of relationships and the point I'm getting at is in the beginning I felt better, things were great, that initial elation of meeting and getting involved kept me distracted enough in each relationship that my symptoms would disappear for a while.

Then of course the illness would emerge again, I didn't know I was bipolar until very recently but all the signs were there.

Anyhow, there would be the inevitable return of symptoms and like you, irritability and irrational anger were much a part of that. I've had to learn how to manage what I knew was irrational thoughts and moods. With my husband who is very understanding and accepting I have learned not to overcompensate when I have one of my flip out sessions by being so guilt-ridden and apologetic, that only makes you feel more vulnerable and guilty and ultimately feel worse, but by admitting it was my error and that I will continue to try to not let it affect our relationship or bring an unhealthy aspect into it. What that breaks down to is time alone when needed, and telling him I need to go take a run to basically exhaust myself from the emotions.

It works out when I remove myself from a situation that is annoying me and coming back to the situation with a clearer head.

I hope you find what will work for you and have the support of those you love.

I think we may feel things a little more intensely than people without a bp diagnosis and perhaps we expect them to match our intensity when they cannot.

I'm very content with my opposite, he's a stabilizing force even if he lacks a little passion.

serafena said...

I can totally appreciate the way the irritation gets the better of you. As someone who is, like Sukay before me, married, let me second the notion that the key to being in a relationship with bipolar is that you have to make a really deep effort to control your moods. I truly understand how they overtake you. I also slip up and have my moments where I just feel the need to rage on about nonsense, but I also recognize that in these moments, I am yelling because I'm bipolar and not because my husband has truly done anything wrong, and I tell him that. For example, after yelling at him for say, 3 minutes, about not taking out the garbage or some other stupid thing like that, I realize it's just my mood and not really because I'm angry at him. So I tell him. "It's not you honey, It's my mood. I'm really sorry. I'll go be alone for a while until I've got it under control." Then I go to my room and calm down because it's not fair to take my irrational anger out on my husband who has done nothing wrong.

This is exactly what I was going to write to you. I do the same thing and I am so lucky that I have someone who is way beyond understanding. Like serafena I make sure to take the time to make sure my partner knows it's not him and that's it's my moods...he's nothing but wonderful to me and I never want him to feel like he deserves or has done something to get the crap I throw at him sometimes. We've been together now for almost 3 years and I'm very proud of that.

I've learned a lot from my past mistakes in past relationships...boy did I cause some drama, and I think it's just something we all go through and eventually start to learn how to fix or at least make it as understandable as possible for our significant others. I don't know how long you've been having your bipolar issues or how many relationships you've been in, but you're still young...I make it sound like I'm old and experienced at 27, but people grow a lot in their 20s and sometimes in order to learn something we have to go through the bad and have to make mistakes. You're definitely on the right path because you recognize what you're doing...that's the first step.

When I was like 18 through about 21 I  had no clue how to deal with my moods and was very insecure. I still am to be honest, but back then I did the same things you're doing now. I mean exactly what you're doing. I had a boyfriend, the love of my life at the time, and we had a very hostile relationship. He wasn't violent or anything like that, but we were both young...he was in his early 20s...and had no clue how to handle me. So he would walk out and I would get hysertical. I would do the crying, the begging...it was bad. Honestly that pushed him away even more because it hurt him to see me like that so he would be pissed about how I was treating him then he'd feel hurt because of how I would respond to his way of dealing with me. Eventually we went our seperate ways which was the hardest thing EVER especially since our relationship was on and off since I was like 13. We got more serious when I was 18 and that's when a lot of my mental issues really came to surface. Years have passed and with a lot of fighting, talking, some periods of not having any contact whatsoever, and both being in serious relationships..he's married now and obviously you know my story...we're good friends again. In order for that to happen though we both had to be willing participants in making things better. Sometimes you're not meant to be when it comes to a romantic relationship, but that doesn't mean you have to give up on each other. Anyway now that I've gotten off track a little...I'm just trying to show you this is not something you're alone in dealing with...I think many of us have been there. The crying and begging though, in my experience, makes you feel worse about yourself. I mean begging to anyone especially when they're walking out is going to crush you later. I did the whole begging thing in 3 relationships. It took me 3 screwed up relationships to learn so it's not going to happen overnight.

So my advice....yes I'm getting there, I tend to ramble lol, really read what everyone here has said. Try to incorporate some of the advice given in your talks with your boyfriend. Also as painful as this may be you might have to realize your boyfriend is not ready to handle something like this. I know a lot of people who can't handle stuff like this, not because they're bad people, just because they've never been exposed to it and I think it takes a special kind of person to have the patience to deal with it. Something else I've learned in therapy is when I was at my worst I wasn't really in the right frame of mind to be in a serious relationship so maybe time apart isn't such a bad thing. If you're determined, and so is he, to fight for this relationship be honest with each other, give each other space when needed, and if possible bring him to some of your appts so he can learn about what you're going through and how to handle it. Like many of the previous commenters have said when you're in a mood like that it's best to remove yourself from the situation. You'd be amazed what a little time alone can do, even if it's like an hour or two, to calm you and him down. Just apologize, explain it's not him, and tell him you just need a little time to yourself to calm down. This is definitely a hard thing to go through and honestly it never really gets "easy" but with the right tools and experience we learn how to manage it. You'll get there...it just takes time. Please keep us updated...I hope we've helped you feel a little less alone and helped you get some ideas on how to make things better. Good luck and we'll be thinking of you. *hugs*

***sorry for the novel! I hope you made it through it all lol. I just really know how you feel and your post reminded me of myself like you wouldn't believe.***

you sound exactly like me. my relationship with my boyfriend was perfect for about two months. then everything started making me upset, and he would never want to see me because i was always yelling at him for something. i stopped taking my meds, now i'm really, really depressed, and things with him are messier than ever. his sister is bipolar, so i thought he'd be a little more understanding, but he's not. he's 21 and he wants to feel like he's living his life to the fullest and be carefree and not tied down, and i'm just a little too much for him right now. i guess he loves me; he used to tell me that he's never felt the same about anyone. he just can't handle my mood swings and irritability.

the whole situation with him made me blame the disorder for ruining what i had with this guy i loved and all my friends and blah blah blah...

but i need to start taking action to control myself. i thought my ex would be there, and i thought if he was there i'd have a reason to keep going and a support system to help me. but i was wrong. he's never there for me, and he could care less if i cry or scream or even hurt myself. it's really hard realizing that bipolar has the potential to ruin a part of my life that was and still is extremely important to me, and it's hard to take responsibility for it. but it's over and there's probably no getting him back now. and i just feel like, wow, i have a lot of growing up to do now.